mabuhay ang dance/blog!

My Top 11 for 2011

2011-12-31T19:14:00.003+08:00

This year ender Top 2011 list goes on my blog for this simple reason: It's very personal. It's about what was important to me, and not what was important to the rest of the dance community. Despite last year's resolution to see more dance this year, and I did see more dancing than I did in 2010, there wasn't a lot of dance to go around, and in general the dance that I saw - while not entirely bad - didn't move me.

So, you could say this is a cop-out, but my justification for this list comes from Mahatma Gandhi's most famous line: Be the change you want to see in the world. These events affected me personally, but in a way that what I need to do on a bigger scale is much, much clearer now.

1. The Company of Dance Artists
January 2011
This is the company my father launched this year. We didn't/don't perform aggressively, but I like that Dad had a lot of creative output nevertheless. And I like that we didn't pander to commercialism - the company doesn't do corporate gigs, though we were engaged for a good governance conference (all these military soldiers were our audience) and we still performed our repertoire according to the theme given us, and not some commissioned entertainment.

Also, for a bunch of people who have work outside the dance scene, that we were able to have any performances at all, and still build repertoire, is extraordinary to me. *pat on the back*

2. New York City Ballet in Hong Kong
March 2011
My birthday gift to my dad (and a gift for myself too) was to watch the New York City Ballet at the Hong Kong International Festival. It was a culminating activity that I never had since my days as a dance major in college, and it gave me so much. You can read the review I wrote in Runthru here.

3. Ang Sayaw ng Dalawang Kaliwang Paa
April - July, and December 2011
Early this year, my friend Alem Ang told me he was excited to apply for Cinemalaya with a film that incorporated feminist poetry and dance, and could I tell him if we offered packages on studio rentals so that they may shoot there? Later on, he and director Alvin Yapan asked if my dad could choreograph the dance sequences, and again later on, I was learning the movements to teach their actors. Later on, I was shooting the epic sequence at the end of the film, awake till 2 in the morning, and feeling very "So this is what showbiz is like."

Seeing the film in its entirety made me tear, because I was part of this wonderful movie that said so much about art and love and life. I don't think it made any significant insight into dance, per se, but that didn't matter to me (I know it mattered to some people).

Dad asked Alvin if he could mount the sequences as proper dances for stage performance, some of which we premiered in our annual recital on the 22nd of this month. Since I was cast in a lot of dances, I actually suggested that I could be taken out of "Litanya," then immediately taking it back because Litanya was soooo wonderful to perform. I'm hoping Alvin and Alem can get to watch these Mga Sayaw Mula sa Sayaw ng Daliwang Kaliwang Paa soon.

4. The National issue
May 2011 and beyond
I'm so over this issue, so read about it here and here. Why it is a Top 2011 event for me is not that it stirred people into fighting for equal opportunity, but it cemented my resolve that I need to be more aggressive about my stand for forming a platform for dance that will benefit more than one sector of people. I know I'm not going to achieve this right away, but I've been taking baby steps. Some of my plans are underway, and I'm really looking forward to 2012.

5. Encantada and The Nutcracker
August and November 2011
Putting these two productions together does not mean that they are similar in any way; the only thing they have in common is they were put on by resident ballet companies at the Cultural Center of the Philippines main stage. But they're in one item to me because I feel they are the best effort that I saw each company produce this year. (Of course, I did not see Ballet Philippines' Inamorata and Sleeping Beauty, nor Philippine Ballet Theatre's Romeo and Juliet, but I also could have easily not mentioned any production at all. No, I don't know what I'm arguing here, exactly.)

Encantada - While I was glad for the revival, and I applaud Judell de Guzman and company's hard work in recreating the Agnes Locsin piece d'resistance, I couldn't shake off the feeling that the older restagings were better. I realize though that it's easy to romanticize something, especially something you've been part of once upon a time, so much that new attempts to rework it will inevitably fall short. I MUST STOP DOING THAT. That said, I wish I had seen the perfectly cast Adea sisters, and would like to give the Best Performance of the Year award to Richardson Yadao for his brilliant portrayal of the lead fraile.

The Nutcracker - I have a weird relationship with Gelsey Kirkland's version for PBT. There are parts that I adore, and parts that I just find, what? Whenever we performed just the divertissement in outreach shows (back in my PBT days), I felt that we were the coolest company in the world. But when I see the entire thing, I'm always, Oh well. I guess I don't agree with some of the restaged bits, like the part of the dolls, and the mice and soldiers. This year, I wasn't too keen on there being a different Clara and Sugar Plum Fairy, as Clara's blossoming into Sugar Plum was integral to the story. But may I say, it leveled-up several notches from the 2007 staging and made me proud of how far PBT had come. This year's Nutcracker definitely deserves a Top 2011 spot.

6. Sayaw Salita, University of the Philippines
August 2011
This dance lectures series (because it seemed more a lecture series to me than a forum) deserved more attendance than it received, but it excites me because those who did attend seemed earnestly interested in the research and not just there because their professors required it. The series will continue in 2012, and there's so much potential here for the development of dance research, something that has been dying/dead in our country.

I also love that one of my mentors, Steve (Basilio Esteban Villaruz) has new insight into what needs attention in dance scholarship. His paper on the rice cycle in dance and its place in education is very informative and engaging. He had an entire hour and a half to discuss this in detail, which I am glad I was able to catch, because when he read the same paper in Malaysia the next month was only given 20 minutes, and missed discussion of a lot of important points. But then, lucky us, and hopefully there will be more chances for dissemination in the near future.

7. Asia Pacific International Dance Conference in Malaysia
September 2011

I attended this conference to inform myself of what people were looking at in dance research all over the world, with the goal of coming back to my own dance scholarship. Steve and Ruth Pison read papers here, as well as my friend Wayland Quintero, who is now based in Kuala Lumpur to pursue his own PhD. I wasn't able to send in a proposal in time to also have something to read for this conference, and subsequently also failed to send in any proposals for upcoming conferences next year. However, I'm slowly getting to what I really want to study, and that is more important to me than sending in a half-baked research topic just to be able to speak at a conference. Like I said earlier, baby steps.

8. Donna Miranda on Real Time Arts Magazine
September - October 2011
I did say it was a personal list, so while I'm happy that Donna was able to go to these laboratories in Berlin and Australia this year, I'm also happy that I was able to document the latter for an international audience. I'm very proud of this article and had a grand time interviewing Donna for it. I hope she liked it as much as I and my editor did.

Read the article here.

9. New work at UP
October 2011
There were two recitals at the UP dance program last October - Al Bernard Garcia's Sulog sa Kinabuhi and Chaya Joyce Baris and Sarah Maria Samaniego's Past Forward. The latter was also a good opportunity to pay tribute to the recitalists' teachers, Vella Damian and Lisa Macuja respectively, and was interesting to see how future generations of dance makers are working with the different genres they're studying as students and later, dance majors. I have yet to post up my review of their recital in Runthru, but will alert you soon as I do.

I was not able to skip work to see Al's Sulog sa Kinabuhi, but I'm very excited that he's trying to restage it in Quezon City in early 2012. Although a preview trailer is never an easy indication of what the whole work will look like, there is a lot here that will make you share the excitement too.

10. Investigating Cross Borders Collaborative Works in Bundanon Artists Center, Australia
November 2011
I don't know why the original writer couldn't make it, but I'm really glad that they asked me to replace him. And very, very glad that they were happy with the resulting blog. It was a very interesting two weeks and the it's some of the best work I've done so far in my life (some lang, of course hehe). You can check it out here.

11. Swan Lake
December 2011
When I was little, right before each annual dance recital, I would announce, "This is my last recital." What I meant was, I don't want to dance anymore, you can't make me, it's so stressful, I never want to do this again. This year, I've been hinting around that "This is my last recital," but for a more practical reason: I'm 37 and nothing in my body works as well as it used to. Of course, this year, I'm not as in shape as I was last year due to the fact that I spent two weeks in November observing a bunch of contemporary dance choreographers and couldn't properly get my groove back after because of work craziness.

I have to concede that what I restaged was quite awesome, according to the audience members who would say so tearfully to my mom outside the theater. I had an understandably unfortunate variation but a pretty good pas de deux and an amazing show, overall. Despite what I may think, it's never really my last recital and even when I'm in a wheelchair, I believe I will continue making dance. That is who I am, and what I want to be.

So, it wasn't a very exciting year for dance in 2011, but it was a very good year for me, and I'm looking forward to so many things in 2012.

I wrote a separate year ender for Runthru, which you can read here. Happy new year, everyone!

Digitizing my scholarship

2011-12-29T16:57:00.006+08:00

These are files from my academic research. Or some of them, most of the most recent ones or the ones I feel are most important. They are so NOT ORGANIZED the way I want them to be. They are also collecting dust in that corner of my room and each time I have to look for a reference, I have to do a little spring cleaning first.

Since the new year is upon us and people are making resolutions and projects, my 2012 project is to digitize all my reference materials. I have my work cut out for me, as you will see below:

These are the books by my bed that I've been attempting to read. Haven't picked them up recently because I got a Kindle for Christmas.

I like being digital, but there are things I know I will keep physical copies of (the books beside my bed). The rest of my room, though? Digital, here we come.

Have a happy new year, everyone :)

Eve of the Show

2011-12-21T21:27:00.002+08:00

By this time tomorrow night, I would be taking my bows. Kinda excited. More than kinda.

Recital season (or another post about being so busy)

2011-12-11T22:34:00.003+08:00

I arrived from Australia over two weeks ago, and I was supposed to keep updating the Cross Borders Collaborative blog, but I actually still have the current entry I'm working on in the exact place I left it while editing the article on the 8-hour flight on the way here and have not added to it since. This is because 2 big things have been happening to me lately: 1. We (the telecom whose online portals I manage) are launching an "improved" main portal on December 13, and 2. We (my family's ballet school) are having our annual recital on the 22nd.

(There is also the matter of a quite disturbing conversation I had with somebody about the state of dance in my country, which really did bother me, so much that it would have thrown me into depression, or at the very least, ennui, had I the luxury of time. But I don't.)

This weekend was crunch time on several levels, and it was more action packed than the A-Team movie, but it was only after I read an annoying email regarding day job issues that I had to take stock of how much this weekend rocked. Rehearsals are going very well, and unlike the last two weekends which found me feeling like I was dying with every attempt to do anything more complicated than a port de bras, I got a lot of my strength back. I don't think I'm in tiptop shape yet, but I'm getting there.

Retiring from dancing, or at the very least from ballet, has crossed my mind this last few weeks, especially when I can't complete a decent renverse, or when my back gives up in mid-execution of any step, or when I wake up really sore and exhausted the next day. Add in that bothersome conversation I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, wherein I was made to feel that this style of dance that I was killing myself for was not worth anybody's time (will blog about that another time... Or remain a secret with me, let's see how I feel eventually). Ballet is really a demanding art form but I realize that there ARE rewards. Last Sunday, in flats, I managed to escape a pas de deux rehearsal with my brother because he deemed it more important to rehearse the part in the ballet where I reveal that I, the black swan, am not the queen of the swans the Prince fell in love with and have successfully thwarted their romance forever. As we went through this mime, I remembered why I danced/dance, and not even why I dance ballet, but why I dance at all.

Yesterday, we finally run the Black Swan pas de deux en pointe, which we haven't done since I arrived from Australia. It wasn't perfect but it felt awesome. Yesterday's and today's rehearsals were quite awesome, too. There's still a lot of work to be done, but awesome still.

As I write this, I'm propped up in bed to strategically stretch my sore lower back, and my legs are throbbing and threatening to fall off from my hips. Retiring is still a reality I will have to eventually face, but I'm hoping not so soon. In light of these last few weeks that have been unbelievably crazy and stressful, and in light of disturbing conversations that make you question your life's directions, I want to remember how happy I was this weekend, as it was the kind of happiness that obliterates bad energy and makes negative events not matter. In life, I've learned, there's just so much out there that makes you forget.

Busy at Bundanon

2011-11-19T10:51:00.002+08:00

I arrived at Bundanon on November 14, but it's been a seriously busy last few days. You can keep up with us (though lord knows I've not done that yet haha) at the official Bundanon Dance lab blog at http://crossborderscollaborative.wordpress.com, if you're interested in how the Investigating Cross Cultural Borders Collaborations is going.

And since I was really busy, I was only able to put up the article on Philippine Ballet Theatre's Nutcracker last night. The production starts today, so do rush to CCP after you take a little scan of this: http://www.runthru.com.ph/home/news/philippine-ballet-theatre-nutcracker-2011.

It's hot in Bundanon today, and everyone's down by the river while I'm here, blogging. Will get this done with and join them soon. Cheers!

Good evening, Australia

2011-11-12T22:10:00.002+08:00

So I landed in Sydney tonight and spent forever at Immigration (it wasn't me, it was the volume of people) but I'm finally at my in betweener Hotel Pensione on George Street for meetings before the trip to Bundanon on Monday morning (where the Crossing Borders dance lab will be held).

While I have nothing to report (except I have arrived, weary yet safe and enthusiastic for the upcoming activities), I'll discuss some of the interesting things I've accomplished this week.

First of all, realizing that I would be missing the upcoming Nutcracker of Philippine Ballet Theater on the 19th, I stopped by Meralco last Wednesday evening to watch rehearsals and basically keep up with artistic director, Ron Jaynario. It's been a good year so far for PBT, with the highest headcount (audience turnout) this season. So proud of the company, especially without aggressive marketing. The ballet is shaping up well, with a strong corps made up of both newbies and relatively more senior company members (for example, Tiffany Mangulabnan is Dewdrop in Act 2, but is also a snowflake in Act 2) and no airs about rank or privelege, which is something PBT has always been known for.

Anyway, I'll be finishing the pre-show feature on PBT by tomorrow and will have it up on Runthru Online soon after.

I'm also getting stuff done for the Projects Committee of World Dance Alliance-Philippines. No official announcements yet, but if you're interested, you can send me an email through joelle.jacinto@gmail.com.

Before I go, I'll just share a short anecdote about going through immigration in the Philippines. On my departure card, I wrote that my occupation was "Writer." My immigrations officer asked me what publication I wrote for and I said Runthru Dance magazine. The officer beside her started asking me where can she get my magazine and that her daughter loved dance. I gave her the website address, but kind of in shock. I would never expect that, not in a million years. It made my day.

Hope you had a good day with dance in it, too.

Donna Miranda on RealTime Arts magazine

2011-10-13T23:13:00.002+08:00

I love getting magazines in the mail, especially if it has something I wrote in it. As you can imagine, this only happens when I write for an international publication. I mean, to this day, I still haven't seen my interview with the late Ramon Obusan for the Philippines Yearbook in 2005. Anyway, last Monday, I got the latest issue of RealTime Arts Magazine in the mail because my interview with contemporary dance artist Donna Miranda was published, just in time for her 3-week residency at the Campbelltown Arts Centre in Sydney, Australia.

You can read the interview online, which is how I usually enjoy Real Time: www.realtimearts.net/article/105/10441

In our interview, we talk about how "opportune" (the word I used in my article) that she was invited by Goethe Institut to attend a 10-day workshop in Bundanon in New South Wales shortly after her Campbelltown residency. You can imagine my surprise when last week, I was invited to observe this dance lab and write about it. Yes, precisely why I'm getting my blogging skills out of storage.

It's quite interesting how the universe unfolds, isn't it?

Mabuhay muli

2011-10-12T01:22:00.004+08:00

Reanimating this blog, which I've been purposefully neglecting for some time, under the pretense that I'm so busy yadda yadda. I do realize that I have previously updated the blog to say how I'm going to do more dance writing and focus on more dance scholarship, yadda yadda, and then I don't blog again for a few weeks/months. And so, this is not a blog post about getting serious about dance writing and/or scholarship again, although I do exactly have those plans. But no, must not blog about that.

I must say, however, that I've been asked to attend a choreographer's workshop, not as a choreographer (haha.. Ahem) but as an observer who will document the proceedings with a blog. I am quite honored they thought of me, though I was probably engaged for my more popular published writings rather than my blog posts, because as all of you will note here, I have not been blogging much except to say, "Hello blogosphere, I am going to start blogging more because I'm going to be more serious about dance writing from now on..."

That said, I have been seriously writing about dance, more so this year than in 2010, as you will note with how updated Runthru magazine is this year compared to last year. And I've kinda relaxed the last couple months, but I'm quite dedicated again. Check out the proof here: runthru.com.ph.

I won't say I'm going to blog more regularly from now on. Instead, hey, mabuhay. :D

--
In essence, "Mabuhay muli" is "Mabuhay again." Of course, the actual translation for "mabuhay" is "Go live," but I'm using "Mabuhay" as that phrase we keep using in this blog. Trying to be witty.

A word on being National

2011-05-30T22:53:00.002+08:00

It was a hectic last few weeks for the world of dance, with summer season coming to an end. Particularly the last week, as Ballet Philippines' bid for National ballet company status came to an unexpected possible reality with the help of Sen. BongBong Marcos. Artistic Director Paul Morales noticed a furor over this piece of news on Facebook - most of it negative - and requested a meeting with all interested to discuss where they were coming from, given that a senate hearing was scheduled last Tuesday, May 24 (but was moved to sometime this month).

Mr. Morales will be releasing a position paper on this bill soon, which you should read whether your concern for BP being named as National is positive or negative. In the meantime, I can only say that while I wish a bill was created instead to benefit the entire dance community vs just one dance group, I wish Morales, Ms Margie Moran-Floreindo and Ballet Philippines the best of luck. In the spirit of Alice Reyes and how BP was born in the first place, they forged ahead and dictated their destiny, which I respect. I hope that someone who feels just as strongly for Philippine Ballet Theatre will do the same.

I would like to emphasize that I am not on Morales' side in this issue. I'm not taking sides in the first place. But I can understand concerns such as being asked to cut down on Rehearsal Hall days, and being made to pay for overtime use of facilities you are supposed to enjoy and not worry about as a resident dance group.

However, as I've already mentioned, I'm a bigger believer in equal opportunity for everyone. If the government will be involved in arts, the assigned agency/agencies should be better managed and not self-serving. I know that some who are vocal about the BP National bill have been crusaders for the improvement of government funding for the arts. Sometimes, though, I have to ask if we didn't aim high enough, or why didn't more people do enough. Because now that someone dared ask for the height of what the government could give them, we are so quick to accuse them of it.

Morales and BP supporters are quick to point out that in having this bill passed, they will be establishing a platform for other groups in the future. I'm not too sold on this; the Bayanihan has been a National Folk Dance Company for some time now - a platform has already been established. In this light, I think the platform must be re-thought.

Ultimately, we cannot blame BP for wanting better working conditions, compensation and accommodations. Instead, let's go and seek that for ourselves as well.

Happy International Dance Day

2011-04-29T23:54:00.002+08:00

I danced once this week. Once. I didn't even warm up, I just jumped into rehearsal, and it lasted all of 15 minutes. Then I cooled down. I arrived late as I had deliverables at work, and the problem with having a full-time job that isn't dance-related is it's quite difficult to squeeze a lot of dancing in, especially when you'd rather spend your free time passed out at home.

For example, today was the royal wedding and while everyone was glued to their TV/live stream, I was able to leave the office relatively early. Today was also International Dance Day, and there was a street show in Cubao and a gala performance in Quezon City. But instead of heading to these venues, I went home and vegged out in front of the TV.

It was a trying week for me, actually, a lot of office politics, deadlines, coordination, etc. It would depress me except I got a little bit of dancing in the middle of all the craziness. I remember when I was a few months into the full-time job and set to go on a Visayan tour with PBT and had to rush to rehearsal straight from work. I'd be so weary from work, I'd wonder where I would get the strength to rehearse after. But as soon as I stepped into the studio and started dancing, the weariness would all disappear.

The same thing happened yesterday. It was just some arm movements and simple steps and some pretzel rolls and it felt AWESOME - all fifteen minutes of it.

Being able to do this only once this week is still quite sad, but I want to tell myself that each week is different and next week I'll get more dancing in, and maybe even more the week after that. Maybe not so much dancing the week after that, but maybe it will pick up again in the next week.

What's important is that I was able to dance once. In the middle of a very difficult week. And on the eve of International Dance Day, too. It reminds me of what I should be grateful for.

Hope you had dance in your life this week too. Happy International Dance Day everyone.

Read this year's IDD message over at www.runthru.com.ph.

Runthru 5 Coming Soon (but Later) and other Excitements

2011-03-24T00:10:00.002+08:00

No apologies, just announcing that the next print issue of Runthru is coming later than expected. Was supposed to launch it last January, but there was just too much going on and now it's March. As I have to reconfigure the editorial line up, as well as reset the printing schedule, best for us to say it won't be coming out any time soon.

In the meantime, check our Online magazine for news and reviews. I promise I have loads to put up this coming week. There's a review of Gaelle Piton's documentary on Philippine dance, some thoughts after seeing Jerome Robbins' Dances at a Gathering at the Hong Kong Arts Festival early this month, and I may talk about a couple of local shows as well.

In between, I plan to start publishing the mini-reviews I received for the Best of 2010 feature that's meant for a January issue of Runthru Print. The rest of the magazine can wait, but this part of it cannot. If you still want to contribute your own nominations for the Best of 2010, do email me at joelle.jacinto@gmail.com.

I'm currently reading Jennifer Homan's Apollo's Angels, which is a very thick, very exciting history of ballet. Not dance, but specifically ballet. I am ecstatic over this because I've been planning to publish my master's thesis as a book on Philippine ballet history, so I have an instant affinity for it as we share the same goals and aspirations in dance writing. Also, when I was supposed to be writing my dissertation on cultural identity in Philippine dance, my mentor at the time advised me to differentiate what makes American ballet American, and Russian ballet Russian and how is it different from French ballet, and so on, until I can find what makes Philippine ballet Filipino. That was such a difficult task! This book makes the task more exciting, though.

Hope there's lots of excitement in your life and dance as well.

TEAM Dance Studio at CCP's Pasinaya 2011

2011-02-12T23:41:00.007+08:00

So, the year got off to a good start, with my family successfully launching a new project. We performed at CCP's Pasinaya Open House Festival as TEAM Dance Studio's Company of Dance Artists. So TEAM is the school, and CODA is the performing arm. We're planning, among other things, for a concert in August to celebrate TEAM Dance Studio's 30th anniversary.

We performed new works by Eli Jacinto: a work in progress called Kailaliman, the relatively new In the Sisterhood (see photo) and an extended Metropolis, which is Dad's tribute to the city where he started to develop his choreographic style.

The festival itself was quite chaotic but I loved how there were more and more dance groups at the Rehearsal Hall this year, and how people had difficulty lining up for the groups they wanted to see because there were too many people already lined up before them. That's not usually a good thing, I know, but having a big audience for dance, under any circumstance, is always really awesome.

If you were there, thanks so much for watching :) And I hope you see get to see more of us this year.

Happy new year!

2011-01-01T12:30:00.001+08:00

2010 was an awesome year. Here's to more dance and more dance writing for 2011!

Cheers,

Joelle Jacinto

the Christmas rush

2010-12-22T00:55:00.005+08:00

I just wrote my last email for the day (by day, I meant yesterday, as it is now 1am and it is a new day, after all) and I set up my very efficient Out of Office Assistant so that I can concentrate on my school's recital tomorrow. My school is the near-30-year old TEAM Dance Studio, and we'll be doing the full-length Nutcracker and some new works by my dad, Eli Jacinto. This is why I haven't blogged much, or updated Runthru much -- at this point, let me apologize to those who have features upcoming, I'll get to them very soon. For the rest of you, do check http://www.runthru.com.ph for new stuff by next week (at the latest).

Admittedly, I'm always busy when there's a show; the work-life balance (wherein "life" translates to "dance," as it does to all who dance) is very challenging when you need to take time out of your 9-to-5 to rehearse and perform. But with our school's recitals, performing and rehearsing is the last on my mind. And then, we always have the annual recital three days before Christmas. You can see how things can get quite crazy.

At this point, I think I'll take the liberty of not promising that this, the inability to update Runthru Online, won't happen next year. This is so going to happen again next year. No apologies. Many people have Christmas family traditions, like completing Simbang Gabi together, or decorating the Christmas tree, or going up to Baguio to roast marshmallows in a fireplace. My family's is putting up a recital every year.

I used to feel bad that I couldn't watch others' shows during this season - either I'm too busy, or I got sick I'm so busy - but when I think of it, I owe a lot to TEAM Dance Studio, and there shouldn't be anything to feel bad for at all. This is where I started dancing, but at the same time, my dad started TEAM Dance Studio because of me. As it approaches its 30th anniversary as a school, I realize that I myself have been dancing for 30 years (well, I'm counting from my first ballet class at the age of 6). In a way, TEAM Dance Studio's history is my history, and of the many kids who've studied dance under me, the many kids I've restaged recitals for. It survives because I chose it as my priority. This makes me proud and, sincerely, quite moved.

If you're around the Alabang area, TEAM Dance Studio will be presenting The Nutcracker at the Insular Life Theater tomorrow evening (December 22, 2010) at 7:30 pm. You'll find me onstage with this big, proud grin on my face.

Would also like to mark the milestone that is The Nutcracker becoming a part of Filipino culture, what with the manic number of Nutcrackers put on this month (which has always been an American phenomenon, never a Filipino one), the use of the Overture and the Waltz of the Flowers as pipe-in music at coffee shops and restaurants and the army of Nutcracker Soldiers strewn all across the Ayala malls. Thank you Ayala, for the free advertising.

Earlier today, on our way to the theatre and worrying about breaking our Nutcracker -- the doll is supposed to break in the first act, and neither of us were keen on breaking a particularly good Nutcracker even for a show -- my brother stopped the car in front of his neighbor's house and said to me, "Quick, go get the Nutcracker on his gate! We'll return it naman..." Some of the other neighbors had the Santa lights with the racing reindeer up front of their house. This family had two Nutcrackers guarding the entrance. It just fills me up with glee.

Of course, there will be those who just looove to say that even if it's becoming a "Filipino" tradition, isn't that still an elitist tradition? Well, gee, isn't Christmas at its capitalist best? Don't rain on my parade, Ebenezer.

Okay, gotta get my old, decrepit body ready for tomorrow's craziness. Good night, everyone! Happy holidays!

Photo from our last Nutcracker back in 2005, taken by either Francis Reyes or Nina Sandejas. That's me as King Rat, one of my favorite roles, ever.

shift in priorities

2010-11-21T23:16:00.002+08:00

This is sort of an update to this blog entry, where I discuss how I have to prioritize my dancing over dance writing and how I was planning to blog more to make sure my writing doesn't get rusty. I realized that if my time was dedicated to only dancing, I was effectively not seeing the dancing of other people, and therefore I'm limited to quite narcissistic topics, aren't I? Hence, the almost non-existence of blog entries posted up after. I mean, there's only one entry and it's about my niece/godchild.

Also, I am in the process of reconfiguring my life to move my priorities around a bit. I believe this is more exciting than it has been in the last few months. Hopefully, it will continue to be exciting and I'll have more blog posts up here soon.

Thanks for reading, and staying. Cheers!

The Day of Berry

2010-09-19T23:15:00.007+08:00

For those who don't know yet, Berry is my goddaughter, my baby brother Lucas' first (and so far only) child. She loves Minute Maid orange juice, spaghetti noodles and ensaymada. She also loves to dance. The first time she danced, she was inside her mommy's tummy while mommy was watching me, my siblings and my family's ballet school perform Don Quixote at the Insular Life Auditorium. Seriously, as the entrada started, Erica's tummy started pounding as if there was a furious basketball inside.

She spent the day with us today, she arrived at our ballet school as I started class for our second level kids; she was wearing her tights, ballet shoes and a ballet skirt made of tulle. When I started rehearsals for this year's recital, she walked over to me and held my hand. So when my students started rehearsing, she was dancing with them also, sorta. Mostly she walked around as the students carefully danced around her, sometimes holding my hand, sometimes on her own. She would also stand in the midst of the girls doing skips and ballet runs, sometimes shaking her hips and shoulders. Since we're doing The Nutcracker this year, she would run about with her own wrapped gift (for the Christmas party scene) or holding a clump of fake flowers (for Waltz of the Flowers). At one point, while my students were swaying and galoping side to side, she would sway her head and shoulders along with them.

This is how I always envisioned how it would be when I have my own child, while I'm teaching or rehearsing, she or he would be hanging out in the studio with me; kinda like Twyla Tharp and her son, except not as cool. Of course, there already is the constant harassment to actually have my own kid and not play pretend with my brother's, and no, I don't mean my mom as she doesn't really mean to pressure me, she just likes the idea of having grandkids (and she won't admit it). The constant harassment is my own biological clock tick-tick-ticking away, at odds with the pact I made to keep dancing for as long as I can. I truly feel that when I do get pregnant, I will not be able to recover from it and dance the way I am dancing now. I'm giving myself a couple more years. The thing that frightens me though is what if after giving myself a few more years to dance, I find that my childbearing years have passed? I have recently been convincing myself that I'm not too old to have children and won't be too old to have children. After all, Jenna Elfman had her second baby at the age of 38 and she was producing and starring in a tv show the entire time she was pregnant. A couple more years is just about right. I hope.

There are days when I have this idea in my head that I can live the rest of my life childless. That it's okay to be selfish in this way in this day and age, that I'm just programmed for a different life, that I don't want to eventually deal with a sullen teenager (especially if it turns out that they take after me), that we all die alone anyway as I won't force my kids to take care of me in my old age. And then there are days like today.

priorities

2010-09-15T02:59:00.005+08:00

I haven't been updating this blog, nor Runthru online as of late, and neither have I actually been going to watch other people's shows because of 2 things. First of all, at the day job where I'm working full time (that I've been doing for over a year), I was assigned to a new boss and there has been a turnover from simple website publishing to full blown strategic editorial concerns which has not been easy. It's a total paradigm shift, and not just a matter of getting used to the demands and quirks of the new boss.

I was hoping that this won't last forever, that this is just a really extensive turnover phase, but realistically, it does seem that this is going to be how life is going to be like for me, given the new demands of the job. And so I am forced to decide what to do with the little free time I have left, as there's not much room for so many things. Although I will try my darnedest to get some writing done, and will continue to post up events and news on Runthru Online, it is no longer a priority. The priority, of course, is dancing.

Yes, dancing is the second reason why I haven't been actively writing. I find that there's just not enough time in the day for both dancing and writing. At this point in my life, it's kind of obvious why I would pick one over the other. If you'd like, if you can convince me otherwise (or at least present a strong, almost compelling case for writing over dancing), I'll give you tickets to the next PBT show. (Yes, my day job has trained me to push interactivity with the audience haha).

In the interest of keeping my writing from getting rusty, I've promised myself that priority or no, I have to keep updating this blog - at the very least. It's not a big commitment - blogging is not the same as writing a review of a performance which deserves deliberated construction. It's just bits and pieces of thoughts on what's going on in dance. Sure, there's going to be more reflections on my own dancing, but I do promise not to post whining about how old I am and how difficult it is to rond de jambe my left leg higher than 90 degrees. I still have a lot of drama left in me, but I think I'm not that puerile anymore.

Will write more tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll have time to publish what I write some time between meetings, supervising my team and stretching my hamstrings.

In the meantime, I've recently put up Donna Miranda's performance notes of Agnes Locsin's Sayaw, Sabel and a profile on ballerina Carlos Garcia on www.runthru.com.ph. Baby steps, yeah?

Sayaw, Sabel

2010-08-12T01:49:00.004+08:00

Just came from watching Sayaw, Sabel at the CCP tonight. It is, in one word, phenomenal. There is so much to say, that I'm worried that it won't fit in a review. Will find a way to to be able to say more about it, adequately. Will also get back to you when I do, hehe.

Photo of Sayaw, Sabel by Darrel Sicam for Runthru Magazine :)

Regional Dance Critics Workshop in Jakarta + 3 Reviews in Real Time Arts Magazine

2010-07-27T20:24:00.002+08:00

I haven't blogged since March and I apologize, there was just so many things happening that I couldn't stop to discuss. One was I danced in a local version of Swan Lake, and it's no mean feat to rehearse everyday, and run a ballet school, and update a corporate website, and update the Runthru website AND see the actual magazine out in print. See, so many things happening.

In the middle of all that, I was invited to attend a Dance Critics workshop by the good folks at Goethe Institut in Jakarta, Indonesia from June 14 - 18, moderated by Real Time Australia's Keith Gallasch, a very lovely man who walked in the rain with us. The workshop fell on the same week as the Indonesian Dance Festival and it was a whirlwind of dance, writing about dance, and talking about what we wrote. Despite all my years as a dance critic, I still learned a lot from that workshop, especially how to clean my words and word choices, and how dance criticism is a responsibility and not just a blowing off at the mouth. I know all this, but I needed them reiterated.

Here's Keith's account of the experience, with lots of photos of me (okay, 2 photos): http://www.realtimearts.net/article/97/9920

And here's a list of the three reviews I wrote in that crazy week.

Aspiration and Influence: Final Night Program at the IDF

They look out from behind the frame as if from a window, peering at the audience as we inescapably stare back. The man in the tutu, revealed to be the source of the relentless singing, pauses only to rudely ask, “What are you looking at?” From a choreographer who has danced for Madonna and appeared in films, Supriyanto is obviously questioning such scrutiny and what all the hoopla is about. What I find compelling is that the audience gets this.

Journey Into Light: Asri Mery Sidowati's Merah

The dancers are only very slightly illuminated by a smattering of light on the cyclorama that simulates moonlight shining through thick leafy branches. Because we had been in the darkness so long, I was not even sure if the second dancer, situated in an upstage corner, was indeed actually there; he seemed to blend into the cyclorama so much that my still-adjusting eyes were convinced that he was merely an image projected on the screen.

When Does Forever End?: Meg Stuart and Philipp Gehmacher's Maybe Forever

In Meg Stuart and Philipp Gehmacher’s Maybe Forever, the pair then sit with legs outstretched and backs to the audience, leaning to the side at the same angle, plagued by a weight that neither can ignore. The performance space is hazily semi-lit, reminding me of the way light creeps into your bedroom at dawn. There is little stylization in the way the couple suddenly grab each other and spread against each other full length only to discreetly remove themselves from contact to find another spot on the floor; but this push-and-pull feels like a dance.

Remembering Giselle

2010-07-25T00:06:00.005+08:00

(Lucas as Albrecht, me as Giselle convinced that "he loves me not" during the mad scene)

While putting CDs into storage (because who uses CDs in this day and age?) and checking on a bunch of unmarked discs, I came across a DVD of my school's 1998 recital, where we did Giselle. It was unmarked because it was originally a VHS copy that I had digitized, and it had snow and static from the deterioration of the tape. Still, I went on and watched parts of it (forwarding is easier when digital obviously) and marveled at so many things.

First, I'd like to comment on our choice of a full-length Giselle for a recital. After the show, we (my family who owns and runs the school) all agreed that it wasn't such a good idea for a school recital - the story was too sad, and almost scary (Erin is caught off cam saying to our videographer, "Daddy, I don't want to watch ballet na..." while I'm losing my mind in Act I) and the kids only got to be 2 characters: peasants and wilis. Swans are okay, even fun, but wilis? As Lucas put it, it seemed we just wanted to do a full-length Giselle and we forced our students to humor us. Granted that none of them complained at all, and they really got into the story as much as we did, it was still something we never did again.

Secondly, you know how it's easy to say, oh it's just a recital? Therefore, not really taken seriously? Given that there were kids as young as 5 who made up the corps de ballet (we simplified a lot of their steps), if you look closely at myself, Lucas (who of course played Albrecht), Quincy (who of course played Hilarion), Jacqui (who of course played Myrtha) (of course, I was Giselle, if it isn't obvious yet), and even at our Bertha (Mimi) and Bathilde (Besy), we were oh-so-seriously doing Giselle. Very seriously, really.

This struck me right after I died in Act I, when Lucas and Quincy blame each other for my death - how real they were portraying it. Before that, I was watching the mad scene with amusement - how Ika was just a baby but she was already acting and projecting, how the kids were filed in single line watching me go crazy, how my Capezio pointe shoes didn't show off my instep at all when I was not en pointe (I hated Capezio, but I only discovered Gaynors around 5 or 6 years later), how fat I was and how super OMG thin both Lucas and Quincy were, and how my hair was giving me such a hard time because it was at the height of being balik-ayos (What I would kill to have that kind of hair again) and therefore falling all over my face at every opportunity. It's not that I wasn't doing it seriously, it's just that, as a spectator being nudged by this distant memory, I was noticing EVERYTHING. There were so many things about it that was so, "Wahaha, school recital!" but there were so many things about it that was very real, too.

Fast forward to where Giselle rises from the dead and tries to make her presence known to Albrecht, who is visiting her grave. I am flooded by memories of all the hard work I put into dancing this ballet - making sure my leg was high enough, the pains I took to make sure that my characterization emanated from each movement, practicing not jumping into the air but evaporating as would a mist. My technique 12 years ago is nowhere near what it is now (or better yet where it was 5 years ago), but I'm really impressed with my then-24 year old self. It's actually quite inspiring.

My mom would chide me when I get too emotional over preparing for a performance in one of our school recitals, saying the audience won't notice if I don't live up to my standards, that what I do is pretty good already. I love my mom, but this is one case where I'm glad I don't listen to her. If I found this video now and my performance was lackluster, I would wonder why I try to dance at all. Getting older and nearing that point where I won't be fun to watch anymore, I've been treasuring each day that I can still dance and the kind of dancing that's worthy of my time, that's worthy of me. Tonight, I'm realizing again just how lucky I am, and I'm very grateful.

Itim Asu on Runthru Online

2010-03-18T01:20:00.005+08:00

My first foray into dance criticism this year is challenged by writer's block over Myra Beltran's Itim Asu. So, finally getting it published is sort of a small victory. An excerpt:

There is a lot of text in Itim Asu. In dance, the movement can be seen as the text; but this piece doesn't limit itself to just movement as text, which is only practical as there is a lot of text to deal with. Actually, for much of the group dancing, there is no text. As if text took a breather for the audience to rest their minds a bit and enjoy the dancing.

Not that anyone can get away from the texts in Itim Asu. There is a synopsis, choreographers' notes, and dramatist's notes in the souvenir programme, and a voice over during the performance. Aside from words, there is a "sound score" and a film of old Manila in sepia to help evoke the era. The historical material is analyzed on many levels, including how the validity of Burgos' account of the murder of Gov. Gen. Bustamante has been questioned, and even bringing in Jose Rizal's own texts inspired by Burgos' contributions to the fight for freedom. At the end of the show, Moreno even decides to contribute to the text, by posing who is the real hero of the story, is it Bustamante, or is it Itim Asu? It's kind of a lot to take in at a time.

Thankfully, the piece is organized into several sections to address these levels and layers of text. This sectioning and sequencing of events and the use of text in its various forms helps set the dance free of the responsibility of telling the story and allows the dancing to be as abstract as possible, when it can. At other moments, the dancing tells the story and there is no need for explanation.

From "Reading into Itim Asu"

by Joelle Jacinto on Runthru Online

Read the rest here

Runthru is now online

2010-03-15T00:22:00.002+08:00

Ah, so here's the exciting news I told you guys to watch out for. Please visit my beloved pet project Runthru Dance Magazine as it's now live online on http://www.runthru.com.ph. Basically, it's the online component of the print magazine: we have pages listing the content of each issue we put out, and you can read our cover stories, and some selected features online.

Since we don't publish regularly, dance fans can get their regular updates here. We'll regularly feature local news and announcements of shows and events, and dance reviews. I actually have three lined up already (just have to finish/start writing them), so stay tuned. I've drafts on Myra Beltran's Itim Asu at RCBC, and Ballet Philippines' Neo Filipino. Just tonight, I saw Airdance's In Between Tenses and I'm excited to write about that too.

I also just recently proofed the new revised dummy of our Issue 4, which goes to the printers this month. It's lovely! It's going to be a good year for Runthru, yes it is.

This weekend: Airdance's In Between Tenses

2010-03-11T10:14:00.007+08:00

Airdance looks back and peers into tomorrow with its upcoming show entitled In-Between-Tenses. Challenging the transience of dance and fleeting memories through movement and multi-media, choreographers and performers struggle with sanity and self and the many possibilities therein.

The show will feature explorations in remembering, in living in the moment, and in hoping. Worthy of looking forward to are new choreographies from Rhosam Prudenciado Jr., Mia Cabalfin, Johnny Amar, Marielle Alonzo, Clarissa Mijares and artistic directors Ava Villanueva, Jed Amihan and Avel Bautista. Part of the performance is coming to terms with yesterday, with the company will also restaging dances from previous shows. The dance pieces are part of an attempt to reconcile the past with the present and hopefully be able to fuel a future all the while aware that the dance, the body moving, is reflective of the passage of time.

In-Between-Tenses is presented to you by Airdance with shows on March 13 and 14, 2010, at 7pm at the Dance Forum Space located at 36e West Avenue (diagonally across Persian restaurant Mister Kabab). Tickets are priced at P200 with 50% discount for seniors and students. For tickets and inquiries, call (02) 415-2185 or call/text 0916-356-6693 or visit our newly-updated website www.airdance.com.ph

AIRDANCE

36E West Ave., Quezon City

Tel. No. (63-2)415-2185

Mobile No. (63) 916-3566693

http://www.airdance.com.ph

Sa Itim, Sa Puti

2010-03-09T00:29:00.004+08:00

This is Yasnina Jumalon and Gianella Reyes' upcoming graduation recital, as part of their requirements for a Diploma in Creative, Performing and Musical Arts. It's a deconstruction of Swan Lake, which I heartily applaud because Swan Lake has been deconstructed many times before, the most infamous being Matthew Bourne's Swan Lake, with topless male swans in feathered pants. I didn't think of their current take on it, and I must say I'm excited to see it, given that the slant is very very Filipino.

I actually wish that UP Dance Majors would stop reconstructing ballets as their gradation recitals. The tradition began with myself and former classmate Angel Lawenko, who is now Angel Baguilat and part of UP's faculty. We put on a deconstruction of Cinderella as a japayuki (Filipina "cultural" entertainer in Japan) to the Prokofiev score. Since then, there have been Filipinized deconstructions of Nutcracker, Giselle, Petrouchka, Alice in Wonderland, and now Swan Lake. I'm pretty sure each recital had their own merits, I just wish the students would be more assertive about their original ideas come recital time. But that's just me.

Given all that, I think Sa Itim, Sa Puti will be great. Yasnina and Gianella are really promising contemporary choreographers, and I'm just waiting for the big surprise.

Sa Itim, Sa Puti

7 pm, Friday, March 26, 2010

Abelardo Hall Auditorium, UP College of Music, Diliman, Quezon City

ABAP's Pampanga Dance Caravan

2010-03-06T00:08:00.002+08:00

Because Dance should thrive all over the Philippines :)

For its kick-off event this year, ABAP (Association of Ballet Academies, Philippines) offers the public a FREE performance in PAMPANGA DANCE CARAVAN on MARCH 6, 2010 4PM at the MARQUEE MALL. Featured dancers are from Center for Movement and Music, House of Dance, Lilibeth Trinidad Santos Dance Exercise Center, Ridgepointe Ballet and The Dance Conservatory. This event is sponsored by the Ayala Malls and spearheaded by Bubbles Encarnancion, director of The Dance Conservatory, and the 2010 Executive Board : Chairman and President Liza dela Fuente Castaneda; VP Abigail Yee Alvia; Secretary Maritoni Rufino Tordesillas ; Treasurer Kathy Domingo and PRO Ma Rosario Nepomuceno.

Neo-Filipino - Dance in the Time of Change

2010-03-05T22:50:00.004+08:00

I'm not fond of the title of this year's Neo-Filipino (it always makes me think of Love in the Time of Cholera, yet not as deep or as witty), but I'm hoping that the line up of the choreographers (Tinnie Crame, Dwight Rodrigazo, and my very own Carissa Adea!!!) will more than make up for it. The gala was tonight but they only had tickets for me tomorrow, so I'm watching with Erica and Inky. So exciting in a time of change!

Please check back this week for more shows (I've got lots of posters to put up, but thanks to the moneymaker, I had to collect a backlog of sorts) and more importantly a very nice surprise. Thanks!

Eli Jacinto's Rhapsody in Blue

2010-02-20T00:12:00.012+08:00

Thank you for coming, hope you had a great time.

DLS-CSB Dance Major program, open for applications

2010-02-14T19:10:00.002+08:00

Want to dance and earn a college degree at the same time?

De La Salle-College of Saint Benilde

Bachelor of Performing Arts major in Dance (BPA-D)

In consortium with Ballet Philippines and the Cultural Center of the Philippines (CCP) Dance School, the DLS-CSB Dance Program is a twelve-trimester course that nurtures the dancer’s technical and artistic competencies. The College’s dynamic learning atmosphere and state-of-the-art facilities combined with the CCP’s environment, professionalism and ethics produces artists and entrepreneurs in the dance field with a strong theoretical perspective, firm technical and artistic skills, and good management capabilities.

Benildean Entrance Examination for SY2010-11 is on February 21, 2010.

Application period until February 17.

For more information, contact:

SCHOOL OF DESIGN AND ARTS

950 Pablo Ocampo Street

Malate, Manila, Philippines 1004

Tel. No.: 536-6752

Email: sda@dls-csb.edu.ph

www.dls-csb.edu.ph/admissions

CCP Dance School of Ballet Philippines

Ground Floor, Cultural Center of the Philippines

CCP Complex, Roxas Blvd., Pasay City

Tel. No.: 832-3689

Email: rubylee.gomez@balletphilippines.org

www.balletphilippines.org

This is where I teach, mostly major courses. If you're interested in applying, I do hope to meet you soon.

it's been a while

2010-02-06T23:37:00.003+08:00

Spent the day rehearsing for Pasinaya 2010 tomorrow: TEAM Dance Studio's slot is at 12:40pm at the CCP Rehearsal Hall, if you're interested. Anyway, it's been a while since I've felt this way - post dancing ache all over my body, but happy euphoric feeling all around. I'm not sure I was able to "feel" this after rehearsals for my school's annual recital, held last December; or perhaps I've not been dancing too often recently to remember how this feels. I know I used to feel it on a regular basis, back when I was dancing full-time around 5 years ago.

I really like what we're performing tomorrow: Rhapsody in Blue, choreography by Eli Jacinto (my father) to music by George Gershwin. The piece is a tribute to our school, as we're celebrating 30 years of existence this year and my dad got a wee bit sentimental. It's a fusion of jazz, ballet and modern styles, and he copy-pastes signature moves from his older choreographies, but to accentuate that this is who the company is, this is what the company dances. I was catching glimpses of it from the mirror (of course, the CCP Rehearsal Hall has a mirror) while we were doing our run through and regularly kept saying, "Wow!" Hilarious.

I think my dad is very underrated as a choreographer in the Philippines, mainly because he doesn't like to put himself out there as much as other choreographers do. He won a venue grant at the CCP in 1991 and was often invited to feature his works there, but he did/does not offer himself to other groups, nor actively look for venues for his choreography outside of our annual recitals. I suppose he felt that he didn't need to prove himself to anyone, and he can be quite the antisocial grump; something I've always felt I took after.

He actually, these days, feels that he's retired from it all - meaning from the networking, the politics, the winning favor parts, etc. Retirement is staying home all week, doing mini-carpentry projects, and spending the weekend teaching and choreographing at our school. The dance personages I happen to see while at "work," often ask about him, what is he doing these days, etc. They also sincerely ask me to give him their regards. I love this - although he's not written up in history books as a major, influential choreographer (hehe, which is another, much more intriguing story), he has the respect of many important people.

I don't go around telling people that a choreography he's done (and that I'm dancing in, to boot) is fabulous, because, yeah, that would be too weird and full of myself. But if I can be honest here, I think he's one of the best Filipino choreographers of all time. I don't love ALL his works (I have yet to meet a choreographer who's not done bombs), but he's up there in my list, and no it's not because he's my dad. And this is how cool he is: he doesn't want me to write about him. He says, he doesn't need it. These are exactly the guys we should write about more.

At the risk of sounding weird and full of myself, Rhapsody in Blue is beautiful. What's more, it's a delight to dance. You can tell I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Hope to see you guys there. If you can make it, do say hi.

"Wait, what's the step again?"

Open Dance Kitchen: Contemporary Dance Classes this February

2010-02-05T00:41:00.002+08:00

OPEN DANCE KITCHEN
Contemporary Dance Class (advanced and professional level)
Wednesdays 3-5pm / Saturdays 11am - 1pm
P300 per class
classes start FEBRUARY 10

Physical actions render our intentions and motivation. This training session is intended for professional dancers, actors, choreographers as well as people who wish to pursue further interest in contemporary performance. In this class, we shall activate mind and body connections, articulating dynamic movement material, energy, time, rhythm, via clarity of images and intention. Drawing heavily from releasing technique, the class progresses gradually from a slow warm up to rhythmical movement combinations as we explore different spatial orientations across space. As always we shall challenge our instincts, intuition, energy and perception looking utilizing gestures, authentic physical and everyday actions. Class will be taught by Donna Miranda

Transitopia Studio, Unit 4C Michel Apartments, 2030 A.Mabini Avenue, Malate, Manila
for inquiries call/text 09266635606 email thelovegangsters@gmail.com

Pasinaya 2010

2010-01-27T09:46:00.003+08:00

Choose from more than 80 shows at the Cultural Center of the Philippines as the CCP Resident Companies lead more than 2,000 artists perform excerpts of upcoming shows on Sunday, February 7, 2010.

Dubbed as the biggest one-day performing arts festival, Pasinaya 2010: CCP Open House Festival is the opening salvo of the National Arts Month in February. The event will be held in all venues of the CCP including the Front Lawn, the Promenade areas and the alley in front of the Production Design Center.

Highlights include the biggest gathering of "Tinikling" (bamboo dance) dancers at the CCP Front Lawn entitled "Bonggang Bonggang Bamboo: The Tinikling Showdown".

The public is invited to "see all they can, pay what they can" from 8:30am till 5:30pm. Various activities will be held in different "Zones" all over the CCP.

CCP Resident Companies regale audiences with snippets of their performance seasons in the Resident Company zone. Featured are Ballet Philippines, Bayanihan Philippine National Folk Dance Company, National Music Competitions for Young Artists, Philippine Ballet Theater, Philippine Madrigal Singers, Philippine Philharmonic Orchestra, Ramon Obusan Folkloric Group, Tanghalang Pilipino and the University of Sto. Tomas Symphony Orchestra. Other such zones are the Music Zone, Dance Zone, Theater Zone, Film Zone, Literary Zone, Visual Arts Zone, and the Children’s Zone.

Pasinaya 2010 offers workshops, information booths, exhibits, film screenings, puppet shows, storytelling, performance poetry, a culinary fair and cooking demos, and an arts and collectibles market. The CCP Pasinaya is held annually, and seeks to increase awareness of the CCP performance season and programs. This year’s Pasinaya is expected to draw crowds to the CCP anew as it offers audiences a day of fun and excellent entertainment through the popular "see-all-you-can, pay-what-you-can" scheme.

For particulars, contact the CCP Performing Arts Department at 832-1125 loc. 1611.

--
My group, TEAM Dance Studio, is performing Rhapsody in Blue, at 12:40pm at the Bulwagang Francisca Reyes/CCP Rehearsal Hall. Hope to see you!

Check out the full schedule here.

CCP Dance School Scholarship Auditions on Jan. 9

2010-01-07T23:26:00.004+08:00

I gots this through email. I remember my time as a scholar for Ballet Philippines, and what full of glee I was upon discovering that my hair was long enough to qualify my casting as one of the Kalikasan in Encantada. If any of you decide to take up the challenge, best of luck and, hey, have fun :)

--

The CCP Dance School will be holding scholarship auditions for its SY09-10 January-March term on Saturday, January 9, 2010 at the CCP Rehearsal Hall. Limited slots for full and half tuition scholarships are available.

AUDITION SCHEDULE

12:45-1:45pm for ages 9 to 13 and Male Scholarship Program
2:00-3:00pm for Intermediate and Advanced levels

Applicants are required to submit 2 pcs. 1x1 ID photos, dance resume and registration form with their audition fee prior to the audition.

For more information, please contact the CCP Dance School at 832-3689.

Happy new year everyone!

2010-01-03T14:10:00.001+08:00

Watch out for dance news and views and generally more exciting things all around this 2010. :)

summing up 2009

2009-12-01T01:14:00.004+08:00

I'm planning to write a piece about the shows I saw this year, 2009. This is not only brought about by the fact that this year is going to end, but also because we're seriously planning to launch the fourth issue of Runthru soon. That 4th issue was supposed to be released late last year, but we just didn't have the funds nor the time to release it. We (my brother Lucas, who is the magazine's art director, and I) agreed to release Issue 4 this year, anytime this year, but real life happened - he became a daddy and I became corporately employed. And, look, it's now December.

The original 4th issue has a Best of 2008 feature in it, and I'm quite proud of the compilation and felt that it was very definitive of the year that was. Now, however, it is time to write something about 2009. And 2009 proved to be more tricky. I ran into several things that seemed to break my spirit and my belief in this art form that I so loved. Last year, the only problem I had was the magazine was losing too much money and not paying for itself, like we thought it would. This year, while I had found the resources that could keep the magazine alive, there were many other challenges that I had to overcome. Some of which I am still overcoming. But that isn't the point of this blog post.

Many people say that 2009 was a very bad year all around. I am inclined to agree, but it wasn't all that bad. I realized a lot of things this year, I was really put into situations where I was to question what I had set out as my life's work, and whether it was worth all the hassle and stress and pain. However, the year wasn't a total loss because there were good parts as well. And through all the misery and disillusionment, I feel that I came out a much better person, that I have better priorities and a better outlook in general. And because of the trials of 2009, I believe that 2010 will be wonderful.

Thank you for reading me and for waiting patiently for Issue 4. It's going to be a goodie.

Sagip Sining/Art to the Rescue

2009-10-21T00:00:00.003+08:00

All dance events will be held at the CCP Rehearsal Hall, which is found at the basement along the corridor of the artist's entrance (where the Buffeteria can be found). See you there! My group, TEAM Dance Studio, will perform at 5pm!

artistic fulfillment

2009-10-12T00:48:00.002+08:00

I have to ask, what is artistic fulfillment in dance? Because it doesn't seem to be the same for other art forms. Dancers feel fulfilled when they complete triple pirouettes flawlessly or when they get to do an emilianovich, staying in the air all the way through. But is that artistic? Isn't that a skill you practice over and over until you get it right?

There is a very fine line between what is artistic and what is acrobatic. What is art and what is entertainment? What is art and what is spectacle? Of course, we first have to ask - what is art, in the first place? It is so dangerous to attempt a definition. I used to think, art is what moves you. Now that's dangerous as well. For example, when I first saw the woman with no arm and her partner with no leg in that pas de deux together, I found it hilarious. Now, people are forwarding the clip and posting it up on Facebook as so inspiring, so moving. It almost made me feel bad that I laughed at it before.

Almost.

Coming from a show by somebody who argued with me about artistic fulfillment, I find the need to stop and try to define "artistic fulfillment" first. What does this mean to a dancer? Dancers do not create the choreography, but we add in our little things. Some of us perfect the steps - we are then called virtuosic. Some of us inject so much of ourselves into the steps that we become one with the steps, that we become the dance. However, I don't think these dancers would go out and say, "I am artistically fulfilled." That would be too weird.

Instead, dancers say they are artistically fulfilled when they find themselves dancing at the company of their choice or working with a particular choreographer, or when they are given their dream role, or when they complete their 32 fouettes, or when they are bowing to a standing ovation and the moment is so big that tears just stream down their face. It has become a general catch-all phrase. And it has nothing to do with artistry, except that they are dancing.

I guess I just want to pick a fight. I'm crazy like that.

Lisa @ 25! - shows this weekend part 2

2009-10-08T11:30:00.004+08:00

Lisa @ 25
Performances were moved to Oct. 9, 10 & 11.
Aliw Theater, Pasay City
Tickets at Ticketworld at 891-9999

Alicia sa Bundok Dilim - Shows this Weekend part 1

2009-10-08T11:25:00.002+08:00

Alicia sa Bundok Dilim
Graduation recital of Nicole and Chantal Primero
Friday, October 9, 2009 at 7pm
Abelardo Hall, College of Music
University of the Philippines, Diliman

Relief for Typhoon Ondoy

2009-09-29T08:51:00.007+08:00

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well and safe. As you may know, Typhoon Ondoy ravaged parts of Northern Luzon, including a good part of the metro where I live (but not exactly that area, thank goodness). Here are a couple of announcements that I need to make in this light:

Philippine Ballet Theatre postpones Ang Pasaway

Philippine Ballet Theatre postponed their second and third performances of Ang Pasaway. It resumes on October 17 and 18 at 3pm, also at the Cultural Center of the Philippines.

DONATIONS

If anyone reading this would like to help, you can give donations of food, supplies, clothes or your able bodied self at any of these places in this photo that I grabbed from the net:

Sorry about the size of this photo, it apparently shrinks when you save it from the page. But I believe you can see the actual size here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/photo.php?pid=2665497&id=9655949961&ref=mf

The Red Cross Rescue and Relief Operations

The easiest way to make donations from wherever you may be in the Philippines is via mobile phone load. Send RED to 2899 (Globe) and 4483 (SMART). Globe's CEO has announced that there are no charges incurred for all donations made at this time.

FOR THOSE OVERSEAS - taken from Claire Agbayani's page on Facebook

To all you New Yorkers....Ondoy NEW YORK Disaster Relief drop off center @ Pandayan Center, 406 W40th St. Between 9th and 10th Aves. New York, NY 10018 or call 212.564.6057. Please spread the word! – from Bingbing Agbayani

for those in AUSTRALIA: Philippines floods: How you can help http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/1100222/Philippines-floods:-How-you-can-help- from Joey Alarilla

Repost from Rico Hizon: To all Pinoys in SINGAPORE, if you would like to help our kababayans impacted by the floods, the drop off point for relief goods is Afreight Cargo, #03-09 Lucky Plaza, Orchard Road. Contact Person: Maureen Schepers 6235-1011, 91117855. Please pass this information to fellow Pinoys and non-Filipinos who would like to help – from Arel Virtusio

To all those living in HONG KONG who would like to help the victims of Typhoon Ondoy, you may deposit donations in cash to HSBC Account No. 808-416564-001 – Ateneo Alumni Association - Hong Kong Chapter. Please text 62957677 the amount and time of deposit. Donations in kind could be deposited at Camille Genuino’s residence – from Marianne Carandang ...

Ah yes, Facebook. Gotta love it.

My friend Luna, who is currently in the US, compiled a more comprehensive list:

Moongirl: Donating to Manila from abroad
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Thank you to everyone who has helped/is helping or even, at the very least, empathizing with our country at the moment. Every little bit helps. When this is over, let's dance. :)

2 features on Asia Dance Channel

2009-09-18T23:20:00.004+08:00

I wrote two pieces for Asia Dance Channel: a review of Fitri Setyaningsih's The Colour of Inner Earth, and my impressions of Franz Anton Cramer's lecture, "Dance Criticism in the World and its (possible) Social Functions." Here are excerpts:

Dr. Cramer then discusses "dance history's master narratives," reminding us of the social, political and aesthetic categories in which dance exists. It is here that he differentiates modern from contemporary, after a brief historical look at the phases between and the different movements that came out of Germany, including expressionism, constructivism and Tanz Theater. Then he asks us what is contemporary, and what makes contemporary dance? Given that ‘contemporary’ equals ‘new,’ he posits that a work valued by its "newness" isn't properly assessed, and that the concept of "newness" is "extremely boring," and "cannot be the only criteria" for a dance to be contemporary. In a global setting, the definition is definitely more complicated.

He then talks about how dance is exoticized as West looks at East, giving several examples of exoticized colonies, including the 1931 French exposition and French archive of international dance, and books published within the same decade looking at folk dance practice in South East Asian countries. It would seem that Dr. Cramer is perhaps reminding us of instances where European and Asian relationships can go awry, which is interesting given that the dance summit we were attending was organized by Europeans for the South East Asian region.

from "Possibly Functional in Society: Dance Criticism"
Talk by Franz Anton Cramer
by Joelle Jacinto
Read the rest here

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The dancers are not just androgynous but also ambiguous. We do not know what they are or what they are doing, why they are doing this strange dance of alternating calm and frenzy. As this goes on for quite a while, I was beginning to create stories in my head about who or what they were and thought they fit right in the first Star Wars movie where the stocky desert people walked gracelessly over sand dunes in their bulky cloaks. The stage began to look like a desert then, and the faint pastels on the cyclorama behind them reminded me of the colors of the strange double sunset of the planet that Luke Skywalker had lived the first half of his life.

After what seemed a lifetime of this kind of movement, the ambient music began to get more frenetic, and the dancers began to get more frenetic as well. I don't remember how this started; sometimes, when we wait for something to happen, we unfortunately blink and realize we shouldn't have.

from "Enviable Exchanges in Jakarta
A Review of Fitri Setyaningsih's The Colour of the Inner Earth"
by Joelle Jacinto
Read the rest here

--

There are also reviews of Donna Miranda's Beneath Polka-Dotted Skies by Choy Su-Ling and Pichet Klunchun's About Khon by Constanze Klementz, as well as essays and opinion pieces by Su-Ling and Renee Sariwulan in this special Indonesia issue. Go check them out on Asia Dance Channel.

PBT's show - new poster, new title

2009-09-18T22:58:00.004+08:00

on blogging and putting yourself out there

2009-09-17T22:35:00.003+08:00

I am planning to put up an online version of my magazine, Runthru, very soon; I'm in the process of figuring out what to put in it, what it will look like, why you will still buy the print version even if there's an online version, as well as figuring out what platform to put it on and how I'm going to pay for it. I've been looking for pegs* and of course had to check out Dance Magazine's online version.

They have this section called "Blogs," like online versions of broadsheets and newspapers do (My favorite blog on a broadsheet is Mayo's: http://blogs.todayonline.com/forartssake/). So I was thinking, maybe I should link my blog to Runthru, too. But how different would my blog posts be once I put up Runthru, which I plan will have regular news updates so that it's current and relevant and not necessarily waiting for the print version all the time? Right now, I'm mostly putting up news bits on this blog, basically because I've been busy doing actual writing, among other things. I also haven't been comfortable about what kind of things I want to share on this blog, given that I don't want it to be a "personal" blog anymore. So I've been wondering, is this to personal to share here? Wouldn't people interested in dance in the Philippines be interested to read these things, also?

That's one thing about blogging - it's a public endeavor. Very, very public. I always have personal blogs that anyone can read (on livejournal, I do not lock my posts because I have friends who read my blogs who cannot be bothered to get a livejournal account just to read my locked posts), but I'm always startled and uneasy when somebody comes up to me and mentions that they read my blog. I have to watch what I say. Going from that kind of blogging to wanting to share a blog on the Philippine dance scene is quite a difficult transition. I'm worried that this blog is getting a bit boring; at the same time, I worry about its/my credibility. Such a difficult transition, isn't it?

So, hoping to solve my dilemma, I checked out Dance Magazine EIC's blog to see what she blogs about. It wasn't much help - she casually talks about a Ballet Russes exhibit (which she could have had a full feature on in her magazine), about the death of Merce Cunningham and how that affected her and the artists around her, her thoughts after seeing Pina Bausch's dancers perform after her death, all little editorials that could be bigger articles. Which I guess is what a blog of an editor-in-chief should be about.

I know I'll figure it out eventually. I hope you stick around for the ride.

--

*One of my pegs is CritiCine, the independent online film criticism magazine, produced by the late Alexis Tioseco, which is an easily navigable site, whose valuable content matched the site's gorgeousness. Interestingly, when I was going through the site to get ideas, thinking what a brilliant man Alexis Tioseco was and how encouraged I felt that I wanted to do the same for dance, I didn't know yet that he had died - I believe I was looking at the site the day after if not the same day. I believe his work continues even after his death, inspiring a lot of us to take up the good fight and keep fighting. And so I shall. Though I have yet to figure out my attack strategy haha.

La Fille Mal Gardee and Other Ballets - PBT

2009-09-09T15:02:00.005+08:00

EDIT: Philippine Ballet Theatre's La Fille Mal Gardee and Other Ballets is a Filipino version. The new poster:

This is the old poster, which I still find somewhat charming, so I'm keeping it. Schedules still apply.

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Fulbright Association Invites Applications For 2009 Selma Jeanne Cohen Fund Lecture On Dance

2009-09-08T00:36:00.001+08:00

It's too late for me to join (don't have any research ready), but some of you might be interested. Hurry, though, deadline is the 22nd.

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The Fulbright Association has issued a call for applications to present the 2009 lecture under the Selma Jeanne Cohen Fund for International Scholarship on Dance. Applications must be received by Sept. 22, 2009.

The Selma Jeanne Cohen Fund enables a dance scholar to present a major paper on previously unpublished research at the Fulbright Association’s annual conference. The 2009 lecture will be delivered on Oct. 31 as part of the Fulbright Association 32nd Annual Conference, “Mutual Understanding amid Global Economic Challenges,” in Washington, D.C. The recipient of the Selma Jeanne Cohen Fund award will receive round-trip travel and associated expenses.

The 2009 lecturer will be chosen according to guidelines that were developed with the late Dr. Selma Jeanne Cohen, dance historian and founding editor of the International Encyclopedia of Dance. The competition is open to all dance scholars. Guidelines and application materials are posted at www.fulbright.org/cohenfund.

Alison M Friedman, general manager of Parnassus Productions, Inc., presented the 2008 Selma Jeanne Cohen Lecture in International Dance Scholarship entitled “Between a Rock and a Hard Place: Carving out Space for Chinese Modern Dance in an Interconnected World.”

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A network for dance in the Asia-Pacific region

2009-09-03T00:25:00.005+08:00

My piece on the Goethe Institut's regional dance summit got published yesterday on Malaya. An excerpt:

The gathering was composed of dance choreographers and critics from South East Asia, New Zealand and Australia, who came together in the effort of building a network for dance in the region. Binding the summit together was the launch of the Tanz Connexions website, which aims to provide an updated view of the dance scene in the region, and to promote collaborations and further developments of contemporary dance.

There was a lot of buzz about the use of the terms "contemporary" and "traditional" in this summit. The theme of the summit was "Transforming Traditions." I see it as the Goethe Institut’s acknowledgment of Southeast Asia’s strong roots in traditional dance and how, coming from this background, choreographers attempt to explore the contemporary. Margie Medlin, director of Australia’s Critical Path, in her keynote address about the dance scene in her country, said that contemporizing dance meant to "take dance from outside and layer their heritage on top of it," which is normal in multicultural countries, and in post-colonial ones as well.

Of course, our own local dance scene has long dealt with the contemporizing of traditional dance and is looking towards other explorations than merely layering heritage on top of new choreography. Filipino choreographer Donna Miranda, who performed her Beneath Polka-Dotted Skies at the summit, is more interested in multimedia collaborations with other non-dance artists, both in the formation of ideas and in execution.

Read the rest here: http://www.malaya.com.ph/sep02/livi4.htm

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The Wifi Body Festival on Go Magazine

2009-08-31T09:23:00.003+08:00

I also manage an online magazine for Globe Telecom, and we have an arts and culture section. I asked Issa to write about the Wifi Body Festival for me and I published it a couple weeks ago.

The Body Evolving, Growing

by Clarissa Cecilia Mijares

Dancers and dance enthusiasts gathered once again to nurture dance and to celebrate the ever-evolving Filipino artistry in movement. The 4th Wi-Fi Body Independent Contemporary Dance Festival was held at the Cultural Center of the Philippines from June 25-July 5. Ambitious and spanning two weeks, the dance festival lived up to its promise of a bigger and all-encompassing festival.

Festival Director Paul Morales together with Angel Lawenko-Baguilat and Honey Brendia –Moraga had been successful in organizing the activities for this year’s Wi-Fi. Workshops, performances and competitions were spread out for the two-week duration of the festival and brought together more than a hundred dancers and other collaborating artists.

Dancers and dance enthusiasts gathered once again to nurture dance and to celebrate the ever-evolving Filipino artistry in movement. The 4th Wi-Fi Body Independent Contemporary Dance Festival was held at the Cultural Center of the Philippines from June 25-July 5. Ambitious and spanning two weeks, the dance festival lived up to its promise of a bigger and all-encompassing festival.

Festival Director Paul Morales together with Angel Lawenko-Baguilat and Honey Brendia –Moraga had been successful in organizing the activities for this year’s Wi-Fi. Workshops, performances and competitions were spread out for the two-week duration of the festival and brought together more than a hundred dancers and other collaborating artists.

Festival Mainstays
Dance companies like Dance Forum, Airdance, Chameleon Dance Theater, and UP Dance Company continue their support for the festival. These companies and other companies performed in IndepenDance and the Gala Shows of the festival.

IndepenDance featured independent dance companies and choreographers. UP Dance Company performed Pedro Kusinero, Filipino adaptation of Petroushka with libretto by Basilio Villaruz and choreography by Elena Laniog and Herbert Alvarez. Airdance staged a show featuring choreographies by Wi-Fi Body Competition winners Ava Villanueva and Rhosam Prudenciado. Japanese dance-artist Maki Morishita also collaborated with Prudenciado while the alumni of Ballet Philippines impressed the audience with the dances featured in IndepenDance and Gala shows. Having wowed the audience last year with their strength and forward-thinking, Dance=Pull led by Dwight Rodrigazo returned this year with even stronger dancers. They shared the stage with Kahayag Community Dance and Theater Company from Koronadal and Agnes Locsin’s Locsin dance Workshop.

Another main component of the contemporary dance festival is the new Choreographers Competition. This year, Ballet Manila’s Gerardo Francisco bested 12 others who vied for the grand prize with his piece “Balikbayan”. The festival organizers and judges decided to add Third place and Best Dancer awards. Zyda Baaya won second place while Johnny Amar placed third. Yasnina Jumalon took home the Best Dancer award equivalent to the previous years’ audience choice award.

The festival's Emerging Talent Showcase featured school-based dance companies and dance schools from all over the Philippines. Watching the younger dancers was refreshing and they showed great promise as the future of Philippine dance.

New Additions
New components were introduced in this years’ festival. Among the additions were 2nd Step, Uncensored Bodies, and the Dancing Body.

The dancing Body is a photo exhibit of dance photos taken by various photographers. Uncensored Bodies dance Film competition is the first of its kind to b e held in the country. Short dance films were submitted by Filipinos and foreigners alike. RR Basco bagged all the awards with his two entries, Siete Dolores and I love, I hate.

Finalists from the previous Wi-Fi Body New choreographers’ competition were given the opportunity to show new works with 2nd Step. With the guidance of Wi-Fi Body Festival’s founding director Ms. Myra Beltran, the young choreographers staged new masterpieces without the pressures of a competition. Video introductions for the choreographies were done by festival director Paul Morales.

Outstanding among the new works was Ea Torrado’s The Leg She Never Had chronicling a relationship between a man and a woman, showing the different hues of romantic love.

Growing Within and Stretching Out
The Wi-Fi Body Festival for this year happened simultaneously with Virgin Labfest. The CCP had a busy two weeks with performances. Even more exciting were the performances in the different spaces within CCP that were not usually used for performances. Restrooms and lounges busted at the seams with people crammed in to watch performances in small corners. Even elevators were spruced up with dance sequences.

Recognizing that contemporary dance has many forms and that almost everyone now is practicing contemporary dance one way or another, the festival opened its arms to the major dance companies of the Philippines. Ballet Philippines, Philippine Ballet Theatre and Ballet Manila sent representative to showcase new works.

Wi-Fi Body Festival had been successful in bringing together the movers, literally and figuratively, of Philippine Dance. The festival has become more than a performance platform for dance-artists, it has become a cause worthy rallying for. Dance artists who join the festival have grown in number throughout the years is testament that not only is festival effective as a venue for performance. It also builds ties and encourages a creation of a dance network, a healthy dance community.

The independent art scene in the Philippines is on the rise. Indie music, indie movies indie theater, and indie dance are developing audiences that are more critical and more discerning of the art that they are consuming. A growing sector, independent artists have inched their way into the mainstream, especially in the case of indie movies. With the audience trekking to the CCP for the two-week Wi-Fi festival it is evident that Independent dance is slowly gaining the recognition it deserves.

Behind the By-line
Clarissa Cecilia Mijares studies anthropology to understand what dance is all about. Until her discovery as the next big star...
Photos courtesy of Carlo Viray Valderrama

Read the actual article here.

Masterworks and meeting Alice Reyes

2009-08-19T01:12:00.002+08:00

I saw Ballet Philippines' Masterworks last Saturday and loved that it came together nicely - a BP show I finally was able to fully enjoy after the restaging of La Revolucion Filipina last year. I'm planning to write about it for Runthru, not quite a critique but a documentation of the event and its significance - a homecoming of the company to what it once was, who the company really is.

If I were to critique it, well, I didn't like some of the works that were performed; mainly if you say "Master" works, it should be the best of that particular artistic director (each AD was represented by a work they either choreographed or, as in the case of Cecile Sicangco and Noordin Jumalon, commissioned. I agreed with a lot of the pieces performed, but Romeo and Juliet? Alice Reyes had several more important works that I would love to see today. As I had written about her extensively in my MA thesis, Alice Reyes was the one to almost single-handedly establish dance as an artform in the Philippines, to institutionalize it and to keep it at the level we enjoy today. She promoted creating your own work, using your own style, using Filipino themes. And the piece to represent her is a love pas de deux from a Shakespearean ballet?

So obviously, I'm going to say that the highlight of the evening was actually meeting Alice Reyes in the flesh. I was totally floored. While writing about her in my MA thesis, I only was able to get a portrait of her through written material, as well as interviews with her sisters, Denisa and Edna, and with Steve, who adores her. She has been one of my inspirations in wanting to get a higher degree in dance studies, because she struck it out on her own in Colorado and was one of the first to do so. So, when Denisa said, "This is my sister, Alice," like she wasn't one of the most important personages of all time, I was just caught off guard, staring at her like a teenaged fangirl. I hardly get starstruck these days, and that caught me off guard as well.

At the end of the show, the new BP artistic director called her, Denisa and Edna up to the stage to acknowledge all the important work they've done for the company. While people stood up to applaud her, Alice Reyes simply took the mic and said, "Please come to the next shows. And bring your friends." No poseuring, no basking in the limelight. Just a simple request to keep dance alive.

I am still floored. Did I say I hardly get starstruck these days?

Alice Reyes with Manuel Molina III in her Amada

2 pictures from Tanz Treffen, thank you phone cam

2009-08-10T00:15:00.006+08:00

The dance critics from South East Asia + Franz Anton Cramer, my favorite German dance critic

The rest of the Philippine contingent: Donna Miranda and Goethe Manila's Sebastian Griese, walking with me towards the GoetheHaus

Click on photos for larger sizes. Thanks!
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blog revival '09

2009-08-08T18:03:00.005+08:00

The Goethe Institut organized a Regional Dance Summit for Contemporary Dance choreographers and dance critics from August 5 to 8, 2009 at the GoetheHaus, Jakarta, Indonesia. The summit brought together over 40 participants from ten different countries, including Australia, Cambodia, Indonesia, Malaysia, New Zealand, Singapore, Thailand, Vietnam, of course Germany and the Philippines. For the Philippines, Donna Miranda presented her work, Beneath Polka-Dotted Skies, while I was the country's representative dance critic.

Part of the idea of the summit was networking and as I met up with a lot of critics and journalists from other countries, it became clear to me how important the online component of our writings were. Luckily for me, Malaya publishes my work on their website and they're online for at least a year; other critics either write for websites without online components or the paper they write for charges for their online readership. But it does make sense that I should have a blog for dance.

I've already been toying with the idea of a blog that's open to the public, really about my thoughts about dance that other people might enjoy and get something out of. Most of my previous blogs were private, personal blogs and while there were some important dance stuff in it, there was also a lot of stuff that I only wrote for myself. So, in the interest of sharing thoughts of dance with the general public, welcome to this dance blog.

Thinking of a new name for this blog (because the old name was very personal; yet again everything is always about me), I remembered something Donna said to me on another blog - a "magazine blog" I started years ago with a bunch of friends that we couldn't sustain because everyone was busy with their own thing. I had put up my initial thoughts on her piece, Summer Begins and Ends as You Wish in that blog, and she left me a comment which ended with, "Mabuhay ang Blog!" This is because dance writing was very sparse - it stil is - and blogs were so cool because they were an alternate means of getting the news out on dance and art to a wide audience. Spending this week with her, I am reminded of that comment of hers, our first actual exchange and thought, how apt!

And so, mabuhay!
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choreography (part one)

2006-08-01T16:03:00.000+08:00

"I'm teaching a choreography class this term," I half-joke to my mom. "I, who have no choreography to speak of."

"Yes, isn't that strange?" she agreed. I didn't quite expect her to agree so wholeheartedly so I wasn't able to reply and continue our conversation.

--

I'm qualified to teach the class, rest assured. I took enough choreography classes and seminars for me to know what I'm doing and what other people should be doing as well. And I have some choreography that I've done, probably buried in the memories of those that came across it. I still remember them, some of them quite clearly actually.

My earliest stabs at choreography of course were making dances for the kids in our school for recitals, and then in high school, I was sometimes asked to do an intermission number. Those were improv, even before I had training in improv. I just played music I knew by heart and let go. Once, it was Linggo ng Wika (Language Week) and I danced a short nationalistic thing with lots of chest-clutching, arabesques, whirls and leaps. By then, I had already figured out that these intermission numbers were going to need structure so that I just didn't do the same thing over and over again. There you go, choreography.

In college, we had a similar choreography class but it wasn't handled quite the way I'm handling the one I'm teaching now. The teacher was given a venue grant at the CCP and was preparing a group of her own works for a solo concert. Since she was so busy and focused on her concert, our class turned into helping her prepare for her show and we did no choreographing of our own. During that time, I didn't mind so much, being a freshman and all, but later I did feel that I missed out.

I was very good in improv though, starting with my high school escapades, then later when I formally learned about it and trained in it in the CCP summer workshops. Well, I wasn't spectacular or brilliant, but competent enough, I guess. It was a progressive thing.

I would do some solo improv numbers, quite like I used to in high school, but with the added pretense that what I was doing was "art". Most of it were forgettable, though I was proud of some of them. Some others, though not particularly brilliant, were memorable because of the situation in which I had danced them.

Like that one time, when I was a councilor in the college council, we had all these activities for Christmas, one of them being a harana sa dorms (dorm serenade), where different musician volunteers were to play at the different dorms in the campus. Of course, all the boys wanted to play at the all-girls dorm (I think Sampaguita? Am I right?) or at Kalayaan, the freshman dorm. I remember that Joey Dizon, a guitar major friend of mine, and I played in Kalayaan while Miguel, who was at one time the love of my life, played at the girls dorm. He drove me and Joey to Kalayaan and watched the first two pieces - Joey would play random pieces he knew and I would do a bit of interpretative dancing, using the emotional tone of the piece as my benchmark for the kind of dancing I would do. I remember the first pieces felt like happy-in-love pieces and that's what I danced. Or, possibly, I was happy in love because Miguel was watching.

Fast forward a few years later, still in college, in love with another boy. I was applying for a literary org named UP Quill and fell in love with one of their genius poets, Mayo. He liked me back. The org has a poetry reading that is a big deal every semester and members and applicants can volunteer to read. My friend and co-app, Ella (I don't remember her last name), and I did a performance piece entitled From a Poet to a Dancer, or something similar. The whole org was in on it because Mayo were in our first blissfull weeks of togetherness, and here I was, dancing to a poem that basically explained why the Poet (in this case, Mayo) was so in love with the Dancer (me). Reports say that Mayo was rendered speechless by my performance. Our romantic relationship lasted only a month or so, but it still is a nice memory. I think it was the only time Mayo had ever seen me dance.

I interpreted another poem for another genius poet friend, Allan Popa, when he launched his book, Morpo. He wrote a poem about Nijinsky and I danced it out, as Nijinsky. I structured out my dance according to the poem, and spoke bits of it while dancing to mostly silence, and imagined what Nijinsky would have done in my place. I was very proud of that and I think Allan really liked it, too. That was perhaps my last solo improv.

My most brilliant solo improv was back in college, for my 20th Century music class. I don't know if they still do this today, but my music literature teacher, Pat Brillantes, would require performances for each period of history we were enrolled in, under her. Same thing went for our 20th Century music class, which I was taking in lieu of Music for Dance, which was not being offered for another two or three semesters, but I needed the credit that year as I wanted to finally graduate. Since I was the only dance major taking 20th Century Music, I organized it so that the younger dance majors taking History 2 with Ma'm Pat and I were to show our dances in one performance in the studio, so two classes were in attendance of our mini-recital. After the younger kids did their Classical music presentation, I performed an improv to one of my favorite pieces of music ever, the first movement of Leonard Bernstein's Symphony for Violin, Strings and Percussion.

After the show, Nina asked me if I pre-choreographed any of it or was it all just pure improv because it looked well thought out and quite synched to the music - and well, it's not really easy to synch improv to Bernstein. I told her I just knew the music really well. She said we should have documented my solo so that I could do it again, because it was really good. Miguel saw it, too, and said it was one of the best things I had ever done. Not that I did much, but that was very nice to hear.

Which is probably why you can't get me too excited about the current wave of solo performances in gallery or studio venues, or why you can't get me to join in. I've done my share of solo improv and it's not really something I'm all that interested in. I do applaud the group works that are not improv at all, those I've seen in studio venues anyway, especially Nina Hayuma Habulan's pieces. I'd rather do those than solo improv. But I'm not really inclined to choreograph either.

--

(to be continued)

Still not back on track but a little progress

2005-11-12T21:17:00.000+08:00

Had first consultation with my thesis adviser after the proposal defense. Basically, we’re working out the kinks in my proposal revision. I have to remember that this is just the introduction and not talk about heavy points right away.

I don’t know why it is, but my thesis used to be my entire life. Or was I just using it as an emotional crutch because I had just then stopped dancing for that company I used to dance for? Now, it’s not my entire life anymore, just one of the things that I have to schedule.

I haven’t shown my adviser yet my paper that I delivered to China. I guess I don’t want her tsk-ing and saying, “But there’s a lot of holes here…” Sigh.

On the other end of the coin, my editor of the newspaper I used to write dance reviews for is urging me to write more reviews for her.

This is why I love blogging. In blogging, you don’t have to worry about the holes in your writing, or what your adviser/editor will say. Blogging is more relaxed. Blogging rules!

See more progress on: finish my masters thesis

i passed my defense

2005-10-25T23:47:00.000+08:00

Not entirely happy with some people on my panel but I should be happy that I’m now on to the next step and the work involved looks like a lot of fun. I rewrite my introduction now. relaxing

See more progress on: finish my masters thesis

hey there, how ya doin'

2005-10-13T16:26:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged here lately, and since most of my friends have been blogging on their blogs, I got a bit inggit and here I am.

Today is a hectic day. Starting from late last night, when Lucas finally installed his software for editing videos into Lucy (Lucas' desktop PC) and we spent the next six hours editing the video that is required to accompany the paper I'm delivering in China next week. It's not perfect, but it will do. There's so much hassle that was involved in the making of this video, starting from requesting the clips from the CCP, but I don't want to worry about it anymore, so there. It's a bit long, I guess, especially the clips of my dad's choreographies. Lucas said, "Isn't it a bit too long?" I said, "Okay lang. Anong magagawa ng mga Intsik?" To which he said, "Nanunura ang mga Intsik no!" Haha. Apologies to all Beloved Intsiks in the audience.

Now I'm tweaking and fine tuning my paper so that it will be perfect and sync with the video, but when I tested it a short while ago, I was over by four minutes (it should be 30 only). I'll have to practice again, and figure out when to come in so that I don't pause for the videos too long.

I was a bit harassed also because Charlie Brown (the main family desktop) is being wishy-washy again, hanging all the time, etc. This sucks because the printer and scanner are connected to it. So I can't really print stuff out. Mom says to just print the paper out in China. I feel like I'm going to war without my chain mail and broadsword.

I'm bringing Linus (my laptop) and Dad's bringing Snoopy (his laptop). But it just doesn't feel the same as having the paper on paper, in hard copy, and having several copies for the other delegates. And I was so anal about the lay-out of my paper too.

I have to pack and I have to shower. So many concerns!

Generally though, I feel like my life is going exactly where it's supposed to. Despite the heat and the hassles and the near-migraine that's threatening me, I'm quite happy.

pre-proposal defense

2005-09-19T16:40:00.000+08:00

I contacted the members of my proposal defense panel already. One of them emailed back and said she was “honored” to be on my panel (I think it’s her first time on a proposal defense panel, I’m not too sure). The other one I went to visit today and he stirred up a lot of things – my topic is too broad, doing all these histories is just a waste of time, am I looking at this artistically or sociologically (and he won’t accept that I’m trying to do both), what then is my definition of ballet to tie these three companies together, yadda yadda yadda.

I remember writing my undergrad thesis; he was my adviser. Before I was finished, he demanded I show him what I’ve done so far and he said it was all cluttered and pointless. I was so depressed that I nearly threw in the towel and my brother said I would be so cool if I just stuck him with an unfinished thesis and no degree (which was a big deal because I was supposed to be the 2nd to graduate from that degree and the second to write a Bachelor’s thesis for that course. And I am.) but my mother made me finish the darn thing, never mind if he flunks me, at least I had finished it. He ended up giving me a really good grade.

I tell this story to remind myself that he really just loves to give me a hard time and not to buckle under.

I went to my thesis adviser after discussing with him and she was optimistic about it, despite chiding me for confering with him already – that’s what the proposal defense is for. She acknowledges that he’s probably still in the old school formalist mode and to convince him that I can do the artistic and the sociological as my topic demands a multi-dimensional approach (gawd, I love my thesis adviser). She also agreed that we should collapse my histories so that it’s not too broad. It’s not the overhauling I thought I would have to do.

I should make a to-do item in 43 things entitled “stop freaking out when people criticize your thesis…” Yep, I’ll do that right away.

See more progress on: finish my masters thesis

first things first

2005-08-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

My thesis adviser likes what I’ve done so far, but has advised me to concentrate first on defending the proposal. I’m in the process of fine-tuning it. It looks very promising, I can see a lot of the things I want more organized into their proper shelves, yay.

Tomorrow, I’m going to the CCP Library to check out a couple of things. I need to complete my definitions list, and wouldn’t you know it, I’m hard pressed to define BALLET on my own. Of all things. Haha.

Also, I have to look at repertoires of the three companies and decide if I’m going to focus on a particular period or whatever. Eep, I’m tamad.

But we’ll see how it goes.

See more progress on: finish my masters thesis

chapter one

2005-08-17T00:54:00.000+08:00

I have a thesis adviser, she’s scheduling me in for consultation next week, probably on Tuesday. She’s one of the best advisers in school, and one of the most sought after, so naturally she’s also one of the busiest. So, next Tuesday it is.

That means I have time to rewrite my chapter one, which I have titled:

The Filipino as Dancer
From the Pre-colonial to American Periods

where I convince everyone that Dancing is second nature to the Filipino people from time immemorial and give a description on what the dancing was like in ancient times, then under Spanish colonial rule, then again how it changed when the country was sold to the US. This is an important build-up to Ballet’s introduction into the country, which is what my thesis is about. I just have to remember to keep this chapter short and sweet and not get into much detail, because it’s not the topic of my thesis.

Hopefully by Tuesday, it’s not only finished but it’s impressive and my adviser will be excited for my thesis proposal defense. Which we have yet to organize, hence my need to make this first chapter really good.

I must say, though, it does look promising. Eeee, I’m gonna pass out from the sheer thrill.

See more progress on: finish my masters thesis

but i like books...

2005-08-11T22:09:00.000+08:00

I am having the time of my life writing my thesis. It’s the last thing I need to do to get my Master’s Degree and I like all this research and writing. If I ever do get my PhD, it would be for the same reason. I suppose you could say I’m doing this the hard way, but, if I may be honest, it’s not all that hard.

To whomever it was that left that anonymous comment on my blog: I’m very smart and talented enough to not want to buy my Diploma, but thanks for offering.

See more progress on: finish my masters thesis

the sleepyhouse is now a thesis journal

2005-08-08T18:31:00.000+08:00

I've finally figured out what I want to do to the sleepyhouse (erm, this blog, hallu). It will be my official thesis journal so that I don't go too off course as I'm writing my thesis. I guess I could have used my LJ as a thesis journal, with the happy friends-locking abilities and all that, but I figured it will be too cluttered if I do that. I'm anal like that.

And I need a thesis journal. I do. If you saw the chaos in my head right now, you would agree with me. I hope you still stay to read, though I know it will probably bore the hell out of you. You could check out my LJ if you miss the silly me.

love,
Joelle

men and women - ballet philippines

2005-08-08T17:29:00.000+08:00

*note: this is not an official review, these are impressions I want to return to when I come to the chapter in my MA thesis on Ballet Philippines. a real review would be more coherent and less stream-of-consciousness. thanks for reading.

Programme:
Stringed, Strung and Estranged by Enrico Labayen
to music by Shostakovich (eep, I think)

You could tell this was Rico's piece from the foot-hooking-itself-around-your-other-leg move. I'm watching this and feeling that BP has nothing to worry about, they were so strong, so stunning. But then, that's the point I guess I wanted to make when I left PBT, that we were a classical ballet company, not a modern company. Rico's piece proves my point in that everybody who danced this looked gorgeous. I knew that not everybody in PBT could measure up to the performance yesterday. There were only how many of us comfortable with Vivaldi? Not a lot.

I was thinking how easy it looked for them, when we were killing ourselves rehearsing Vivaldi - we were stressed and tired and worried that we looked like dorks. Well, I worried, I suppose I can't speak for other people, though some of us were crying every after rehearsal and some of us were very perturbed about the dance and some of us just plain disappeared whenever a Rico rehearsal was announced. I have no idea what the end product looked like, but I assume you could tell it was a lot of work. To the BP dancers, it was like they ate Rico choreographies for breakfast.

I have to stop myself then, because, of course if I compare PBT to BP in terms of Rico's choreography, then BP would look like the better company and PBT would look kulelat. But I remember seeing BP do a neo classical work (William Morgan's Ang Pilya) and I found their ballet technique very wanting. That's one of the things my thesis is about - you cannot compare the two and we need both companies to co-exist. Well, perhaps that should be said about BP and BM, because Ballet Manila is essentially the more classical company. I think I'll figure it out more when I'm doing deeper field work.

After Whom by Bam Damian
to music by this hungarian group I think. Will update again soon, I didn't bring the programme with me today.

My favorite piece of the evening. The girls were wearing white stretchy underwear barely covered with a sheer, white men's shirt. The boys were wearing white flowing skirts. The topic of the dance was a fight for domination, though the programme notes say that Bam was attempting to show off the energy of his dancers. Actually, as with the rest of the show, the struggle for gender domination is always a subject in Ballet Philippines dances - it's a staple in the repertoire. So even the idea of cross dressing, well, it's not anything all that new, I guess. I don't know, I just feel like they're hyping it up so that we feel that they're going to show us things we've never seen before. Am I really hoping they push the envelope further? I don't really know what I'm hoping for, but at the very least I can say I'm not all that impressed.

Still, this is my favorite piece, mainly because of the movement. If Bam says the piece is to display their energy, then he's successful there. It was very powerful and we're on the edge of our seats from watching. My favorite part was when the company was scattered throughout the stage and the girls were jumping and making sharp aggressive movements amid the swirling boys. That was quite beautiful, the meditative boys swirling around with their skirts flying around them - they looked exactly like whirling dervishes. Juxtaposed against the wild girls. Aah, it was breathtaking. It ended rather abruptly though, I hope Bam gets to fix it one day.

"L" by Bam Damian
to "L'Apres Midi D'un Faun" by Claude Debussy

A pas de deux after the original ballet by Vaslav Nijinsky. The guy is obviously fantasizing as he hardly touches the girl at all when she enters and after a lifetime of not touching, she touches him - see what I mean about fantasy? And they even take their pants (him) /skirt (her) off onstage and are about to consummate their meeting when the girl just walks away. So the guy picks up her skirt and wipes himself with it, giving a shudder when he brushes it against his crotch. This was interesting because it alludes to Nijinsky, who ends his ballet masturbating to a nymph's scarf.

Funny thing though, some of the younger dancers in the audience didn't get it. Nobody knows who Vaslav Nijinksy is? What is happening to the world today? Or am I a vanishing breed?

"Anecdotes of Hate" by Bam Damian
again, I don't know the music by

This is a particularly strong piece about JFK, Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks. My problem with this is it's kind of too far away from Philippine consciousness to really make an impact. If I didn't know what the dance was about, I'd think the form was very good and powerful, with innovative tools in his choreography such as inventive use of props and blocking. But I don't even know who the hell Rosa Parks is.

"Unbound" by Alden Lugnasin
to music from the soundtrack of The Matrix

I was always a fan of Alden's work, but I'm not too fond of this one. I guess because it was too long. And too weird. There are some really good moments but after a while, well, I guess you can only do so much with parasols onstage after all. And the boys' half-pants distracted the heck out of me.

Overall, very strong dancers, very promising artistic minds running the company. I'm thinking maybe having all-modern nights with all-new works for an entire season may just tap the creative resources a bit too much, but I'll make that conclusion after I watch the rest of what's in store.

next flight out

2005-08-02T15:18:00.000+08:00

There's a survey somewhere about the Philippines being one of the top 10 peoples who love living in their country. Even if I wasn't asked on this survey, I agree that I do love living here. I know how to commute virtually anywhere, I know where to go, I know what to do, I know what to wear each day, I know what's good to eat and where I can look if I'm craving for something new.

I've never been the type of person to want to go somewhere else to live for the rest of my life. I have relatives who have been obsessed with the Great American Dream, and I couldn't relate at all. Only a couple of years ago, when faced with the prospect of living in the province, not out of the country, but certainly far from Manila, I would break out in hives. Yet I've been recently considering living in Europe for the rest of my life.

I wasn't right away taken with the idea, not very. Until now, I keep thinking, "What the hell am I going to do there?" Recently though, I've found a promising study program at Roehampton, in the UK and I was decidedly excited over the very idea of it - for the first time since I started considering I wanted to live in Europe.

It's a Master's in Philosophy in Dance Studies, with the kind of curriculum I want and everything I want to study. It'll probably be three years to take it, but whoa, what a cool three years that will be. It'll also cost the earth and I have no idea where to get a scholarship that doesn't require you to return home and spread the love after you graduate.

Still, I have reservations and all that. What if I'll hate it? I have to remember to counter that with "What if I won't?" It's all a matter of perspective.

I'm keeping my chin up.

and i thought it would be hard

2005-07-25T00:04:00.000+08:00

He said, “I’ll be seeing you for the next three days.” I thought I would have to wait till Tuesday. It’s so nice to be wrong, sometimes.

See more progress on: spend more time with my lovey

the daydreamer and her mom

2005-07-20T18:30:00.000+08:00

I nicked this from my ballet memoirs. Enjoy

Imagine me as a little girl. If you're seeing this tiny, muscular little ball of fluff, think again. Take that image of me and stretch my legs and arms out so that I kinda resemble a daddy longlegs (which is what I've been called from time to time). Give me boy hair and big eyes. Yep, that's more like it.

When I was a child, I actually had extremely long legs and arms and torso and I was super thin, no matter what I ate. I could eat an entire six-pack of those Hershey white chocolate bars (I've forgotten what they're called; they don't make them now but I think I must have been keeping them in business for quite a while) in one sitting and not gain weight.

Even if my lankiness was akin to gangliness, my mom always said that I would grow up to be either a supermodel or a ballerina. A supermodel, because, well, she was one. That's how my parents met. Dad had stopped dancing and was this highly sought-after fashion show director while mom was a model.

So I was taking ballet class because I so looked the part. Even if I was the most horrible kid in ballet class, even when my mom was finally fed up with me, my Dad would see me through to the end. Yes, I was taking ballet class with my dad in our school because I was going to grow up to be a ballerina and I was going to be one of the best. And I rebelled.

Oh, I don't know why I rebel; looking back, I have to admit that I just rebel just because. They say so and I do the opposite. My mom would find me scratching my legs hard enough to prick the skin and create wounds and she would holler, "How are you going to win Miss Universe if you scratch your legs up like that?" And I would holler back, "Well, I don't want to be Miss Universe anyway!" Just so that I can be left scratching in peace.

So I was not a child prodigy. I was not spectacular, or anywhere near great even. I would have a few great days, I remember, and that would surprise everyone. My thoroughly great days are recital days; Mom says I was always so "Wow!" during performances onstage. I vividly remember my first recital in Meralco Theatre. Cinderella was my favorite movie and my favorite ballet that year and my Dad staged a short version of Cinderella for me - I was cast as one of Cinderella's friend birds but I was so involved in the entire thing: I watched all rehearsals as if I were running the rehearsals and thoroughly enjoyed every minute just watching the dance being created. My dad had put together a small junior company of sorts by then, and they danced most of Cinderella while there was a divertissement "dream sequence" for us little girls to the music from the Disney cartoon ("Cinderelly Cinderelly!"). That was a lot of fun even if I FORGOT my bird headdress at home on the day of the recital.

But in class, I was always daydreaming. I daydreamed I was somewhere else, daydreamed I would create fantastic houseboats or airplanes or space stations where I could live far away from the tedium of school and merciless school bullies, the tedium of ballet class, and the tedium of the real world in general.

I daydreamed so much that I almost missed my childhood. Or maybe I actually would have, if I didn't have ballet to prove that my childhood existed.

My dad would get so mad at me when I was caught daydreaming. And it wasn't the normal, I get caught, I get punished and that's over with. No, my dad would sit me down and we would discuss why I would rather daydream than pay attention in ballet class. And no answer made him happy. It lasted hours. To avoid these long discussions, I was forced to pay attention in class. So I ended up learning a thing or two. But I wasn't great. I was okay. And I only did what I did to get my dad off my back.

Sometimes, though, I have to admit, I would daydream that I was more than great. I dreamed I was a prima ballerina and audiences were giving me a million curtain calls. As I've mentioned, I was always great during performances. I loved shows. I hated ballet class, but I loved the shows. I also loved watching the shows. I would dream that my life was made up of dancing in theatres with all the lights on and the audience applauding every night. And whenever it was pointed out to me that I needed ballet class in order to do that, I would lose interest in ballet again. Imagine wanting to be a butterfly without going through the icky caterpillar-chrysalis thingie first.

My mom, who could have lived her life as a professional model or concert pianist or secretary or whatever, had gotten married at the age of 20 because she had gotten herself pregnant with little old me. She is a lot of things, but first and foremost, to this very day in an endearingly irritating way, she is a mother, and more distinctly, she is our mom. She rejoices with every little thing my siblings and I do and despairs over our little (or huge) tragedies. She dreamed her dream for me, not because it was a dream she couldn't fulfill for herself but because she knew me more than anybody else in the world and knew what I did not - that her dream for me was really my dream also.

Mom said that when I was little, even after I had started taking ballet class and had become monumentally bored with it, I would sit at the edge of my seat whenever any dancing was being shown. Whether we were at home in front of the TV, in the studio watching rehearsals, or in a theatre watching a show, I was always sitting at the edge of my seat, my eyes as huge as saucers and my smile plastered on my face like a mask. And then, for hours after, I would be dancing and dancing and dancing by myself, whirling around and around like a music box someone forgot to close shut.

My mom is never one to sneer at me and say "I told you so," and she didn't do that when I decided I wanted to dance after high school and even several years later when I quit my corporate job to dance full-time (actually, she was appalled when I did that). But there are times when she'd pinch my legs and say, "And you were so difficult growing up! Rebelde kasi! Rebelde!!!" Which I appreciate more than if she had said, "I told you so!"

This entry is dedicated to my mom. I love her.

i hope this doesn't sound snarky...

2005-07-15T14:15:00.000+08:00

Ever since I met Neil Gaiman, I was trying to imagine what it would be like to meet the other people in my life that greatly affected me and who I am, who I had become. I know that I would rather die than look like a dork in front of Angel Corella, so I don't think I'll ever muster up enough courage to even be in his presence, though I guess just watching him dance would be phenomenal; same with Alessandra Ferri and Martine van Hamel. I would probably hug John Irving and say, "I love all your bears and Sorrow too!!!" I would probably burst into tears while TALKING to Dr Seuss or Galina Ulanova or Charles Schulz or Gabriel Garcia Marquez or frigging Natalia Makarova, and not ten minutes after.

So I'm glad I don't ever get to meet them as it would just be too much for my peace of mind.

But being so close to your idols can be good for you too.

I remember when we met Anna Villadolid for the first time. She did Juliet when she was here with the Bavarian National Ballet and I was crying my eyes out from the Balcony Scene to the end of the ballet. When she danced in Don Quixote with Ballet Philippines, I wasn't very impressed but Lucas and I went backstage to get her autograph anyway. It was funny because we don't do that sort of thing, but Lucas was very, "We can meet Anna Villadolid!" So we went and knocked on her dressing room, amid the many fans. I stayed in the shadows and pushed Lucas to do all the work. Even though you could tell she was tired, there was this aura about her that was so radiant, that made you think, wow, I'm in the presence of a star! She smiled politely at Lucas, tall handsome tisoy boy that he is, and asked to whom she should address the autograph. "To Lucas," my brother replied. And she looked up at him in recognition and said, "You're Lucas?" She smiled a bigger smile and said, "I want to see you dance someday."

We walked away from that dressing room in silence. It was only ten minutes later when we looked at each other and flipped our lids like giggly schoolgirls.

My bigger local ballet hero (or heroine, then) would be Noreen Ostrea. Unlike the elusive Anna Villadolid, Noreen danced for PBT and was there when I started dancing for PBT many years ago. I saw her dance Juliet also and was so captivated - I wanted to grow up to be just like her. When I got to know her, there were many things about her that I wanted to be: she had been fat like me and was able to lose a lot of weight, which was inspiring to me then; she was also this feisty girl who had her own mind and was super cool to be around. Although she talks to me like she would an equal, I will always feel like a tiny fangirl, giddy that she so much as looked at me, giddier when she tells me I should hike my leg up some more or eat more potassium. It was this kind of motivation that helped me along at that time and I will forever be grateful for it.

Almost ten years later, I'm a demi-soloist with the PBT and in another Romeo and Juliet, which is actually my first Romeo and Juliet. I was one of Juliet's virginal friends. To boost the cast, the company hired several students from different ballet schools to act as townspeople and guests at the Capulet Ball, etc. Most of them were teenagers and three of them were giddy around me. One kid said to me, "My classmate wants to be you when she grows up." It was sometimes unnerving to be beamed at during ballet class, to look over at their shining, smiling faces that would fold up with a start when they discovered they were caught.

I was a demi-soloist who was playing one of Juliet's six friends. I didn't make a name for the country by being a prima ballerina in a few European countries, nor did I write a comic book of epic proportions where the characters in the book are so famous that even people who haven't read Sandman yet know who they are. But I have inspired a couple of teenagers, I have reduced them to giddiness. It's always a nice feeling.

My friend Waya has been talking about inspiration, especially since the Gaiman experience. She urges us to make our dreams come true, and to help each other make our dreams come true. I don't know what dream I have anymore - it used to be dancing Juliet. I thought long and hard about it and decided that while there are other things I want to do with my life, dancing Juliet remains The Dream.

I'm busy now with a million things because this is how my life is - to be in constant motion, to keep working at making myself happy. To me, I guess it's not really fulfilling a dream, it's more making my life the dream that I'm fulfilling. What happens when I've danced Juliet? I go look for the next dream? That's it exactly.

I don't know what dream I want to fulfill, perhaps because I've been trying to live out my dreams ever since I knew how to. I'm glad Neil Gaiman came here and inspired a lot of people - it would take something so drastic I suppose. The most I got out of this experience is the nice realization that he's a normal guy - a nicer guy than the normal, but he's not a superhero or a god. He could be you or me or somebody we happen to cross paths with on the street. But he is capable of great things.

I am just reminded that I am capable of great things too. And go back to the great dream that is my life.

prolific little me

2005-07-04T00:30:00.000+08:00

I couldn't blog here last week, so I'm obviously not prolific here. But I have news. I am writing my memoirs.

(Or is it I'm writing my memoir? Was this ever taught to me and I was daydreaming or was this something people just assumed I would get through context? Bleah.)

Anyway, I've been structuring my thesis the last few weeks and that's been coming along well because I have good ideas already for the next two chapters, I just need more sources to back up the stuff I have already. Right now, I'm doing histories: first chapter after the intro will be a background of Philippine Dance before and when the Spaniards came in and made themselves at home. My point here is Filipinos have in their nature a passion for dance and we did so before any influence from the outside world, and later how their love of dance evolved under the new government. From there, in the next chapter, I will discuss the history of ballet, because it more or less evolved during the same time. Also, the next course of Philippine history would be the American period and that's how Ballet came to our country, so before I go into that, I will talk about the history of ballet all the way to how it came to the Americans and how it developed in their country. There are a lot of interesting things there that are useful to me.

So since I'm writing a lot of histories, I keep looking at my own history of dance. I realize that I want to write it. I've been a long time thinking I didn't dance as much or as well as I could have and that made me really unhappy the last few years that I've been dancing. Now that I'm starting to write my memoirs, I realize more and more that it is not the case. And I'm understanding myself, my love for ballet, my relationship with my father, a lot better.

I don't know if I'll ever publish when I'm done, but I do plan to finish writing it. Whenever that is. I don't want to think that my dancing days are over, but this period in my life (since starting work on my memoirs, I've been thinking a lot about the periods in my life), not dancing full time and writing my thesis, seems like the best time to write the story of my life. Well, my dancing life, at least.

I may post some excerpts here if I feel like it. Most of it will be on LJ, under lock and key. Lucky you with an LJ account.

research going well

2005-06-26T20:17:00.000+08:00

I need to get a few more books to back up the research I’m currently doing so far, but it’s actually going quite well. I’ve been worried about not finishing on time – I have till May 2006 – but it doesn’t look as bad as I originally thought. With the research I’ve already done, I can actually start writing the drafts for my next two chapters (chapter one being my introduction/thesis proposal, which has yet to be approved) and then just add from there.

I don’t know yet if my request for adviser is approved. I’ll probably find out tomorrow, when I go to school to apply for an ID. I don’t really use my University of the Philippines ID in the University of the Philippines – I use it to encash checks, hehe; all I do is show the bank the form that says I’m currently enrolled and they accept it. But since the ID is expired – and they have long since issued a new version – I have to go get a new one. Which I shall do tomorrow.

Aaaah, so many plans. Yay.

---

See more progress on: finish my masters thesis

from 43 Things.com

thirty-one

2005-06-20T00:33:00.000+08:00

All the things I had been doing the last post were put to a complete stop (except for reading The Abarat) as I was struck down by a bad flu. So I spent my last days as a thirty year old in bed. This is perhaps the longest and most lucid I've been awake in the last two days and I'm biting my nails and waiting... for what? I don't know. For the rest of my life? Of course.

But if I knew that already, why am I biting my nails after the longest time that I've gotten over biting them?

I had a thought while in bed hours ago: I got a birthday wish. It wasn't a wish I made last year or even two years ago, I have to say it was a wish I made more than five years ago. I distinctly remember Kitch asking me, "What do you wish for?" and I said, "I want true love to find me." And I remember her smile and her breaking into the Indigo Girls song, "Love Will Come To You." That was a very long time ago.

While I've been involved in a few relationships, pseudo- and otherwise, since then, I realize that only today, only in bed with my runny nose and feeble muscle movement, does this thought come to me, that love has indeed come to me and I had gotten my birthday wish and I should be grateful.

I am grateful. Thank you.

I am also grateful for a lot of other things. For the fantastic past year of beautiful dancing. For my gorgeous friends and their love. For my family and their love, even if one of them shows his in a much gruffier way than I liked. For being taken care of in this universe.

I tried to teach ballet class today, but I discovered I was too weak to do so and sat out the class while Jacqui taught. One of the kids, a precocious child named Chloe, kept sidling up to me every chance she got. Chloe, because she is so talkative, gets my goat a lot of times - my mom always chides me that I should never make patol little children. I can't help it sometimes, though I agree with her, but tell me, how do you try to convince a kid that the Nutcracker is not Barbie, that it's a ballet? Sorry, just a frustration.

Anyway, Chloe was always telling me stuff like, "Teacher, are you in a mood again today?" when I tell her, "Chloe, stop talking." If you gave me a hundred bucks for every time I say that ("Chloe, stop talking!") in class, I'd be a rich woman by now.

So Chloe sidles up to me and successfully has time to tell me something. She says, "Still feeling sick, Teacher?" I try to smile and nod. She nods back and says, "You'll be okay, Teacher. You'll see."

I am grateful. Now I should pay it all back by trying more to become a better person, the kind of person who deserves all this love.

Happy birthday to me. ,)

my body is schizo

2005-04-11T23:37:00.001+08:00

I discovered today that my body works differently when it takes ballet class than it does when it performs or even rehearses. Rico Labayen taught company class today and I was a bit out of sorts with that experience. There's a lot of breathing and emotional expressiveness in his classes that I normally don't do when I take class because for me class is the basics - fixing my placement, working on technique. That sort of stuff. I don't emote in class. Well, I emote a little, but not the amount that Rico requires. Also he wants us to dance, meanwhile, I'm working on my technique. Tsk tsk, little robot.

Then, I rehearse a piece or I perform it onstage and then, I dance. Figured this out because we learned a little of his choreography after class and everything was 100% better.

Anyway, I was just really amused by that little discovery. And I'm itching to do triple pirouettes and grand jetes again.

--

Note to new readers:

From this point backward, this blog mainly functioned as a personal blog, so the archives are mainly personal thoughts. Some entries however are still about dance, because I was dancing full time back then, so if you think those might be interesting, feel free to keep reading the archives. This is just to explain the change in tone. Thanks for reading!

Cheers,
Joelle
August 31, 2009

au contraire, mon frere

2005-04-11T22:01:00.000+08:00

Lucas saw The Pacifier yesterday and enjoyed himself. He says, magaling daw si Vin Diesel. I reply, magaling talaga yon, I cried when he died in Saving Private Ryan. And ooops, Lucas hasn't seen Saving Private Ryan yet, because he hates watching war movies (I swear, mein bruder ist viel gay) and I assured him to go see Saving Private Ryan just to see Vin Diesel die because he dies within the first hour of the movie and (except for the horribly vivid D-Day opening sequence) there's not much war going on there yet.

And I'm glad he's just watching the movie for Vin Diesel because wouldn't he be pissed if he was really planning to see the movie in its entirety and I already told him that not only does Vin Diesel die, he's the first one to do so? Ooops... have you not seen Saving Private Ryan yet and were planning to? :|

i wish i had brilliance today

2005-04-06T22:17:00.000+08:00

So that I can write an interesting blog entry. When I think of interesting blog entries, I'm miles away from a pc and when I'm in front of one and connected to the internet, nada.

So I'll focus on how I feel at the moment. I'm hungry. Someone says he's only finishing up. My ass. I hope he hurries, I haven't eaten since lunch. Well, I did eat a few slices of cheese this afternoon while learning Kundiman from video, but those don't count.

My legs are tired. Because I taught modern class this morning and took class with Anatoli at 1pm and learned the Muslim dance from Thatness, Thereness even if I didn't have to. Well, we thought I had to but mid-rehearsal, Anatoli announces that we're only dancing Vinta at the International Dance Day in Koronadal at the end of the month. So I don't have to learn Muslim, yay. Then, I watched Kundiman from video and taught the first part to the girls available and the pas de quatre to myself, Kit, Nino and Alvin. The pas de quatre is actually two love pas de deuxs to "Hindi Kita Malimot" and it is so damn easy. My part is only a lot of running around and reaching for Alvin. Well, I think I overdid my fan kicks because now my left inner thigh is sore. It wasn't sore before today.

I do love partnering Alvin. We've been running Tzigane together the past week because Kit and Nino are performing it on Saturday, but we rejects have decided to keep fighting the good fight. He's so super strong, and I can't finish this sentence because someone is finally finished and is doing things to me, distracting, confounding, dizzying things...

I gotta go. We can eat now. Yay!!!

happier news

2005-04-02T19:58:00.000+08:00

My parents, sister and I went to Southmall to buy my sister a phone. She decided she wanted a phone after all, just not the one she gave me that mom gave her when her 3310 disappeared mysteriously (she lost her phone long before I did, and she's been anti-phone ever since). I think she decided to buy a phone because she thinks the new Nokia 7200 looks, as the tv ad says, "ah, it's luhv-leh." So we went to hunt it down but couldn't find it, probably because there's a newer model, the 7220, and they're trying to sell that instead.

I'm thinking, whoa, all this hullabaloo for a phone? And then I patted myself on the back for how much I've matured.

I'm really trying to keep a close watch on where my money goes since I plan to stop freelancing. In fact, I will no longer accept writing assignments from today on (I finally got to submit that article that put me in hell, sigh). Today though, I bought a book on Dance as a Ritual (it looks like somebody's thesis got published, cool...) worth P248 and I had to tell myself after to stop going to Books for Less to check out Dance books.

But besides all that, I'm pretty good. This week, I felt more in shape than ever, and I'm dancing a lot better than the weeks before vacation. I have my turns back, and my form is really nice. I'm also able to hold any aches and pains at bay thanks to conditioning with the theraband (though I have to remember to do those exercises, hay). It's good then that if I were to quit everything for the dance, at least the dance loves me back.

And I started teaching workshop classes at our (family) studio last week. Besides the children's ballet classes that I teach on the weekends, I have two compound classes: Modern and Improv/Creative Movement on Wednesdays and Character and Acting class on Fridays. I'm really getting into it - planning the syllabus and the class, picking out music (thank you liebie!!!), actual teaching. If the plans for my new job in June fall through, I do believe I'm going to apply to lecture elsewhere, something I've been trying to get out of for the longest time. I think I'd rather teach dance studies or similar courses than writing articles about, well, other stuff.

And, to round out the full dance experience, I'm choreographing a piece for the PBT school workshop at the end of summer. There's four of us doing a piece each, set on the company members, not on the students. I started trying out a few steps on Mitzi and Erica and it looks promising. I hope.

I've never been this much immersed in dance - dancing, writing, teaching, choreographing - since college. It's strange. But a welcome strange.

When I left Dance for an entirely different life, I didn't think I was ever going to return and was content in my corporate job and my rock n' roll lifestyle. Now, I feel like the universe had actively taken this prodigal child and plunked me where I really belong.

(Hey, maybe I can go to Germany on a choreography program or something? Though, out of all the things I do well with regards to Dance, choreography would be my weakest point. Eeee, what am I planning, stop planning, stop it, stop it, stop it!!!)

blocked again

2005-03-31T22:24:00.000+08:00

I have writer's block again. And therefore, I have blogger's block, since the frickin' writer's block is in the way. Anyway, even if I haven't added even a single word to that frickin' writer, I'm gonna blog. I don't care if I have nothing to submit to my editor.

Which is a good segue to what I want to blog about: my freelance work. Meaning to say, I don't want to pimp my pen anymore. I've long, long ago decided to not pimp my body (hehehe, I mean I decided I'm never going to dance anything that's not ballet for money, or create dances for ballet students' intermission numbers or direct whatever corporate eklavu) and I've properly stayed away from that, thank God. Now, I'm so turned off from pimping my pen that I'm thisclose to minimalist living (no more dinners out, no more new shoes, no more Time Out Chocettes). I'm glad I still have parents who ask me, "Do you need money?" I may start to say yes, one of these days.

Mikah and I were talking about this new aversion of mine, and asking about my aversion to racketeering in general. This is something I'm not used to, but I'm slowly enjoying - he is often asking me why I do things, why I don't do things, why I feel the way I do about certain things, and these things I usually take for granted as just things I do just because, well, I'm starting to figure them out because Mikah is looking at me and waiting for an answer.

So, I've figured out why I don't like freelance work, or any kind of racket. It takes time away from the things I do want to do and that I'm interested in. And currently, there are a LOT of things I want to do. Well, not a lot, but I have a full schedule. Never mind that these things don't make money. I've spread myself too thin a lot, to know that this is no way to live. Who needs Time Out Chocettes anyway?

I'm not poor yet; I'm looking at the future. My harassment-free future. I think God is trying to tell me, "Hey, you quit your job, and all the money that goes with, to dance. If you're gonna do something for money, it's not gonna ever be easy ever again." He's right, it's not easy. Can't blame me for wishing so.

I have to attempt to write that darn article now. I have no data. I called a dozen places today and if their numbers were not yet in service, they weren't helpful or cooperative. All the while, I wish I were revising my thesis (which is due tomorrow, aaargh). Or blogging. Or answering one of Mikah's "But why?" questions. But here I go. *brave face*

i know what you did last holy week

2005-03-29T03:50:00.000+08:00

Or rather I know what I did. And you shall too.

Holy Thursday, Day One.

We set out at 4:30 in the morning because my Dad believes in leaving margins for error. Meaning, in case we get lost... you get the picture. We didn't get lost. We did get landsick. I never get landsick, that is, dizzy in car rides, but with Edoy the Reckless the Driver at the wheel, well, there's a first time for everything. We actually didn't need an extra driver because Lucas could have driven, but Dad decided to ask Edoy to drive us because he's my Dad's mechanic and it would be good for him to be around in case either of the cars breaks down mid-mountain. See what I mean about leaving margins for error? I thankfully was able to sleep halfway through, which is weird because I hardly ever sleep during car rides. I only do so when I'm very tired or lack sleep. Thank God Mikah came over last night, bearing Spirited Away on DVD.
The drive took only about four hours. I remember it used to take six or so, but then that was 12 years ago when the roads weren't paved. They are now. I also remember being sick in the car because Daddy would play Pink Floyd and Ozzy super loudly. Ironic, don't you think? We took the roro to cross the ocean to Polillo, which took three hours, according to Jacqui, "the longest three hours of my life." But we didn't get seasick, so it's no biggie.
Reaching Polillo though, well, let's just say that the end justifies the means. We got there at lunch and headed out to the beach after our meal. It is GORGEOUS. The sand is so fine (not quite white, but, well, sandy) and the water so clear that you can see your feet when you're swimming. This photo will probably say it all.

Damn, I'm the color of labanos.

The only bad thing was I became embarassingly aware that my bikini bottom is too big for me. I lost that much weight, I guess. Jacqui panalo hirit of the day: "Joe, passe na yung tanga." Bastos!

Good Friday, Day Two.

March 25 is my Dad's birthday. Happy birthday, Daddy!
Guess what. It rained on and off all morning, foiling my Dad's plan of staying at the beach all day and foiling my plan to be a different color by Saturday. I'm guessing the Lord does want us to remember what happened to His Son so that sins may be forgiven. We instead spent the morning becoming better acquainted with our relatives (we couldn't do anything else because the electricity on the entire island operates only from 2 in the afternoon to 6 in the morning. Which is a welcome change from when there was no electricity at all. Ah, those were the days).
We stayed at the house of my Dad's cousin instead of the hotel, which was fully booked because this year was the scheduled alumni homecoming of Mount Carmel High School. I remember clearly the house we stayed at, even if it didn't used to be the house they lived in the last time I was there. It was the house of another relative who died; they had moved into it sometime ago. I have cousins who are now so grown up it's shocking and disorienting (I have nephews!!!!), although after a while you discover they're the same people we used to hang out at the beach with some time ago, who used to say in their accented speech that we can't swim today or else we'll turn into stone. The biggest difference is they now drink. This seems to be the pastime of the island: they work all day and drink their heads off at night. I'm thinking, that used to be understandable when there didn't used to be electricity, though my mom surmises that it had become a habit. Ah, to live in a land where lambanog is 10 bucks a bottle.
We went to the beach after lunch, when the sky cleared a bit. The wind was cold so I didn't swim, just waded around a bit, collected tiny seashells and helped Lucas build a sandcastle. It's actually more an Egyptian city. I liked this day at the beach as much as I did yesterday, so it was all good.
Strange thing, I realized today. I have no desire to use the bathroom for number 2. At all. And in Manila, I never skipped a day. I guess when your body becomes traumatized from holes in the floor, it never forgets. Though, to be fair, they have actual toilets now. A lot can happen in 12 years. Still didn't make me want to go, though.
Of my Manileno second cousins, one of them is now a resident of Polillo, with a wife and kid and thriving living entering cockfights. When we were younger, his brother kind of had a crush on me. Half drunk (they all drink, even the women), he whips out his phone, dials a number and says to me, "Joelle, kausapin mo o." It's his brother. Guess you saw that coming. He is on his way to Polillo tomorrow. I leave tomorrow. I'm thinking how cool that is.
Back at the house, with everyone sort-of-drunk-but-not, my cousin Roy puts in the DVD of The Passion of the Christ and we're all gathered around watching. I never watched it before because I heard about how painful it was to watch. Now that I've seen it, I'm thinking it wasn't all that painful. I guess I think that because I've more or less believed in all the pain and passion He had gone through to save us from the fires of hell. And I've always been grateful.
I was also distracted by the fact that the guy who played John looks like a certain guitarist with blue eyes. Omygod, what color.
Panalo hirit from Roy, while watching Jesus fall for the second time, with the cross toppling on top of him: "Eh talaga yang mabigat, iya'y dalawang troso."

Black Saturday, Day Three.

We go home, catching the 6am ferry. It's the ferry this time, not the roro and is only supposed to take 2 hours instead of 3. But boy are the waves fierce. We used to always sit outside the cabins and now I remember why. I threw up out the ferry door in the middle of the ocean and my Dad immediately displaced us to sit at the deck of the ferry. Jacqui said to me, "Sumuka ka? Cool."
More dizziness in the car, with Edoy the Reckless Driver. I swear, he's so fired. Ha, as if I had the power to. Anyway, Infanta (where the port to Polillo is, the same Infanta that was in the news for massive landslides and troso and dead bodies that littered the ocean and beaches) is dismal, which got me more depressed and sick. I was feeling bad also that there are more bald spots on the mountains than I remember. When I was younger, Mommy used to pull out plants from the sides of the mountains to take home and I used to think she was gonna pluck the mountain bald one day. Illegal loggers beat her to it! It was a high point when we stopped at a plant shop on a mountain road and Mommy bought a fern.
At Pagsanjan, we stopped at Ernest Santiago's restaurant for lunch. He's this good friend of my parents from the 70s and the rents' disco days; he used to own a notorious club called Coco Banana. Since then, he retreated to Pagsanjan and has made it his business to beautify Pagsanjan and the neighboring provinces. I love him. I hardly meet people as cool as he. His restaurant is also a gallery - if you like the furniture you're using while having lunch, you can buy them. And he has such beautiful furniture. Actually, everything is beautiful. We looked at his garden (his restaurant is outside his home), and it's like a small paradise in his backyard. It kind of reminds me of the Gallardo household, but on a bigger scale. Then, when we finish lunch, he whisks us over to Lucban to look at his current project - a Lost Horizon type garden restaurant overlooking the most majestic lake I've ever seen live. The garden is something else - more grand and gorgeous than the garden behind his house. I can't describe it adequately in a short paragraph, you just have to take my word for it. I'll take you there some time.
After all that gorgeous sightseeing, I go back to being dizzy and dismal as we continue our journey home. It actually got worse. Reckless Driver Edoy has taken over the CD player and has put on Scorpions. Oh. My. God. I realize though, that maybe it wasn't really Ozzy and Pink Floyd that got on my nerves all those years ago, it was being in a car for a very long time. Cabin fever. I think I may have killed Edoy during the chorus of one of the lesser known (read: more irritating) songs if I wasn't getting text messages about being missed. All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
(In fairview, Edoy's okay. He's just better at fixing cars than he is at driving them).
Home sweet home!!!! I hit my laptop as soon as I had the chance and tried to start my thesis proposal, the one that had been, all this time, unstartable. After wrestling with it considerably, I was asked out and I happily spent the night meeting "the friends" and learning how to play Tekken. It is so romantic when your boyfriend lets you win.

Easter Sunday, Day Four.

I spent this entire day slaving over my thesis proposal. It turned out great (according to my Research Prof, during our class' marathon 6-hour final meeting the next day at her house) and I can start requesting for a thesis adviser from the Department. I'm excited. And happy.

making myself scarce... and golden brown...

2005-03-24T01:51:00.000+08:00

My family and I are going to Polillo Island, my father's birthplace, for a few days. There is no internet there, well I assume there isn't because the last time I was there (maybe 12 years ago, or so) there was hardly any electricity. But it's a fun roadtrip and an adventure, plus some of the most undiscovered (read: gorgeous) beaches in the country. I'm leaving my laptop behind, even if there might be electricity in most houses now, and hello we're staying at a hotel. But I've stumbled into a kind of writer's block and I figure the opening paragraphs of my thesis will come to me somehow, no sense in forcing it by sitting unproductively in front of my laptop. For the rest of this week, I will read actual books (I plan to finish Beauty this week), write in my offline journal, talk lengthily to my family, swim and soak in the sun.

I'll dig you guys another day. Happy Easter!

hormonal thoughts

2005-03-23T11:35:00.000+08:00

Recent talks of how insecurity can make you do evil things (we were talking about other people, being evil to us) has gotten me wondering if I do evil things as well. I don't like that I'm insecure - I try to curb it, but it manifests itself anyway.

I feel I need to explain. You know how you can chalk up somebody's evil actions to their insecurity? Take a person, the most irritating person you know. More often than not, s/he is irritating, spiteful, loud, abrasive, protruding, mean, et cetera, because s/he is insecure about her/himself.

So anyway, I know that I am insecure. I know I don't really have anything to be insecure about, but I still get that way sometimes. Force of habit, I guess. And a very high standard that I set for myself. Am I, or do other people find me irritating, spiteful, loud, abrasive, protruding, mean, in any combination of two or three or all of the above?

I hope not. I worry too much about my self-worth, already.

i haven't watched a ballet video in ages

2005-03-21T16:22:00.000+08:00

I'm watching our school's recital from two Decembers ago - Swan Lake, with me dancing as the Black Swan. I made a point to watch it because there's a bunch of pictures of that show in our studio and I was looking at it and thinking, how nice. So as soon as I had time I sat down to watch the video.

Of course, I have thoughts from watching it. First, me as Black Swan.

It was okay. It could use more work, more rehearsals, more centering. I definetely needed more time working on my technique. I figure, I'd probably do a better Black Swan today, given a year of daily ballet class and constant improvement, more weight loss, and hopefully more time for rehearsals. Rehearsals are super important. Rehearsals are humbling.

I'm thinking I'm a better dancer than I've ever been. Which is good. My biggest worry, as usual, is age catching up with me, will I be able to dance my best for at least a while yet? Knees and ankles, cooperate!

The company I'm dancing for is presenting Swan Lake in July. Already, Anatoli is making his own tentative casting. He does that a lot - before the ballet is mounted, he casts the ballet on his own and tells the dancers he wants you to dance this part, etc. And then Tito G comes around and makes the final casting and it's not always what Anatoli had in mind. You can imagine the disappointment this usually inspires but Anatoli goes on and casts his own anyway. So, even if he keeps promising me that I'm going to do this part or that part (not Odile or Odette, of course), I'm not holding my breath.

Watching my production of Swan Lake, even if there are hardly any sets and it's mostly done by kids, it's a pretty good staging. It's exciting and pretty and interesting and it tells the story and it's full of happy people dancing. I want ballet, and all the dancing I do from now on, to be exactly like that.

-------

I haven't been blogging lately. Things have been happening, but not stuff I feel should be blogged about. I guess I was getting ready for the long vacation. Will blog more interesting stuff soon.

spinning out

2005-03-16T02:06:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 15

I'm holding all fiction for this non-fic that I'm reading. It's called Private View: Inside Baryshnikov's American Ballet Theatre. It chronicles an entire year in the life and times of ABT as it was headed by Baryshnikov during it's 1986 - 1987 season. It's soooo engrossing, I'm literally stopping and starting while writing this blog entry because I get lost reading the book when all I'm doing is looking for quotes to post here.

It's not exactly what my thesis is going to look like when it's done - it's juicier than my thesis because I plan to be very bland and just-the-facts-ma'm with my thesis. This book, written by John Fraser, is like a movie, discussing the complexities of a ballet company, jealousies and rivalries and conspiracies and blisters and all. I'm being very inspired by a lot of things in the book, I'm able to relate to a lot of the stuff that's in it.

Some of the stuff in it is riveting, particularly the inside stories about the dancers. It's interesting to read how Susan Jaffe was being built up to be the quintessential Baryshnikov ballerina at that time, only to succumb to injuries and was forced to put off stardom for an entire season. I have a recent video of her performance in an ABT gala, with her looking really old and about to retire - in fact, she retired the season after that particular taped performance. Well, she didn't look that old, but set against Paloma Herrera, ABT's new "star," well, you know what I mean. Anyway, I would have loved to see what she looked like in her prime.

Another interesting thing to read about would be the grief that Martine van Hamel was getting from all her artistic directors at ABT, including Baryshnikov. He was harping about her age (she was 41 in the 1986-87 season) and she was pissed off and asking, What the hell does my age have to do with anything? I've seen Martine van Hamel do Raymonda (the best Raymonda ever) and Myrtha from Giselle and I am such a big fan. By the time this book is written, she's now fighting for parts that Baryshnikov would rather give the new ballerinas, the new stars he wants to push, like, say, Susan Jaffe. When she gets injured all of a sudden, guess who easily slipped into the roles reserved for Susan with the greatest of ease? I love how she gets vindicated in the end, like the universe smiling on her in the best way.

And finally, my quote. I love this, it made me feel so much better about my dancing, well, at least it made me feel less of a freak:

"You get obsessed by dancing. There seems to be no choice. Sometimes, you are miserable, sometimes, you are floating in elation. But you can't leave it alone until the passion is spun out. If you are very lucky, you try not to hate it when you leave."
- Lisa Rinehart, dancer for ABT and Netherlands Dance Theater

a few realizations and major denial

2005-03-15T03:37:00.000+08:00

I realized something yesterday, at first while listening to some changes my Research prof suggested I make to my research proposal, and again while being corrected for Tzigane - I've gotten much better at accepting correction and criticism. I guess you could say I've been so used to believing I'm right (and therefore never wrong), that it gets in the way of keeping an open mind. Which explains a lot about why I have the hardest time dealing with my father, why I would get in trouble with authority figures, why I can turn my back on friends and never friend them again, why I had the hardest time deciding what to do with my thesis.

And I realized something else, too. My Research prof's criticism was enlightening - I tend to complexify things. "Complexify" is not my word, I picked it up from Junboy who was describing an ex boyfriend of mine. Actually, he was correcting said ex-boyfriend, who had just said that he liked to simplify things, "You? No way! You don't simplify things, you complexify them!" But I digress.
Anyway, when it comes to me, I realized that I was looking for a meaty problem to sink my teeth into. But the only thing that it was going to serve as an academic, scholarly paper in the Philippines would be my own gratification that I wrote such a smart, complex paper. What good, then, will it be to other people, when only I can understand it? It's mental masturbation at its finest.

I do like to make things more difficult. Could it be that I like the challenge? I have to knock myself on the head the next time I try to take on the world with my bare hands. In the movie, 28 Days (no, not 28 Days Later, just 28 Days), Sandra Bullock's character is in rehab and they hang a cardboard sign on her that says, "Confront me when I don't ask for help." That is so me, that it's uncanny.

I'm fully booked for the summer. I don't know how it happened, actually, but I'm dancing full time, teaching kids' creative movement, elementary modern and stage acting for our studio's summer workshop within the week, starting serious work on my thesis, preparing syllabi for my new other job that's supposed to kick in after summer. Quick, confront me when I don't ask for help. I think I may need a cardboard sign.

Thinking about how hectic it's going to be the next months, I'm going to milk my holy week vacation for all its worth. I would definitely like to start now.

---

Tzigane update: we did the entire thing without stopping for the first time today. We've done most of it adequately well the last week but Anatoli would stop in the middle to correct something or we would be dying and he would stop so that we can catch our breaths. Today, we did it start to end. Mostly pretty good, there are some things that need work, but that's to be expected. I think if I do it everyday, I'll soon get the hang of it and do it flawlessly. Just don't ask me to perform it in front of a mass of people.

(Yes, I know performance is what all this practice is for, but I'm in denial.)

messages and giveaways

2005-03-14T12:38:00.000+08:00

I'm addicted to gmail's special thingie that tells you how long ago you received or wrote a particular message. It's there beside the sender and the subject of the email, it says you got/wrote this message "2 hours/days ago" etc. Now, whenever I look at any message, whether on yahoo or LJ or my tagboard on my sleepyhouse (hullo Mayo!), I'm wishing it specified when that message came in, according to how many minutes/days/weeks ago I got it.

Given that, I have gmail invites. You want gmail? Send me your email addies either here (just say vahvels at yahoo, or something) or to joelle.jacinto at gmail dot com. I have a lot, like 50 or so.

speaking of Mayo

I feel like visiting you up there in the land of No Yahoo. You think Faith would be a good sport if I send her stuff about my Dad and PBT over again? I promise to deliver this time (our company manager, we've discovered, talks a good talk but is slow on the follow up). Just tag me. I miss you!!!

onions and chocolate

2005-03-11T01:18:00.000+08:00

I healed myself today. I made myself some onion soup (though it could have used more meltable cheese), I did body conditioning exercises for my poor ankle, I resolved not to worry about religiously updating my thesis journal.

I'm sick and tired of writing in my thesis journal. All I'm doing is whining. I'll only write entries when something happens or when I observe something that seems pertinent to my thesis. What I'm accomplishing (instead of writing my thesis) is giving a voice to the noise in my head, the noise that I've been trying to shush. The noise in my head that questions my determination and scoops out every little insecurity.

I don't need to submit my journal entries to my Research prof anymore anyway. It's now all a matter of getting things into the thesis and I know where I'm headed now, unlike how I was pre-journal. I'm setting myself free.

I smell sorta like onions. And cocoa, because I got all umay from the onion soup and I made myself Swiss Miss. They weren't kidding when they said chocolate made you feel good, huh? I'm fizzing.

the nerves

2005-03-10T12:38:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 14

This will still be about Tzigane, but because something interesting happened yesterday. The day before, Nino and I were feeling much better about our execution of the steps, so much so that Nino was already bragging that we could perform it the next day. Then, the next day comes and while I'm putting on my pointe shoes, our company manager walks in and tells us that we have a lot of tentative shows coming up this month, the earliest being next Tuesday. And people were all, "If we're gonna dance on such short notice, it better be something we've been rehearsing." And someone said, "Tzigane!"

And the most curious thing happened. I started to not be able to do things that I normally could do. Like where to put my passe after Nino drops me into the fishdive after the overhead butt lift (um, it's called that because one hand is beneath the back of my left thigh, the other is under my butt) and not being able to recover properly. My double tours to the knee DISAPPEARED so Anatoli changed the step to a supported sissone split en l'air. I can do that well, it's just the idea that he changed the step that's frustrating. And all my turns are off. And it was so bad that at one point, I suddenly changed where my arms go and smacked Nino in the face with my elbow.

I realize it's a case of the nerves. I suddenly didn't feel confident enough with the possibility that we might be dancing this sooner than we thought. I was all happy without this pressure and doing everything pretty good the other day. Now look at the mess.

Both Anatoli and Nino are optimistic though. I have to shake this off somehow.

why I'm not buying a new phone

2005-03-09T02:21:00.000+08:00

I cannot afford one. I was only able to buy my last two expensive phones because I had a way bigger paycheck than I do now. Now, I can't buy a phone. Well, maybe a cheap one. And even then, I bet have other things I'd rather buy than a cheap phone.
I really liked my old phone. The way I use it. The way I can text on that keypad and everyone else had the hardest time. The way it looked, how nice and shiny it is and it didn't look like a toy the way some 3650s do. The way it sounded when it messaged me. I did say I get attached to things that belong/ed to me. These things are the hardest to replace. Buying a new phone, a cheaper not as pretty phone, is like getting stuck with the regular 20 hour ISP Bonanza prepaid cards after the promo of the 30 hours with free internet from midnight to dawn had ended.
I'm pissed at the idea that if I want a phone immediately, I should go to the bargain places to get a cheap phone. I'm thinking some of these bargain places get their phones from the jerks who follow unwitting backpackers around and take their phones from them. It may be a slight chance that I buy a phone acquired from the people I currently hate the most on this world, but I don't even want that chance to exist.
I'm shaking myself from my phone dependability. I was thinking just a few days ago that I really didn't need a phone. The most it did really was be my walkie talkie to the love of my life, at the time of the snatch, I had around 150 messages in it from him. I miss the instant accessibility to my lovey. I might buy a phone someday, to regain that instant accessibility, which I really miss. But it's too soon and I don't want it to be like a drug and I need some crazy fix.
I'm punishing myself. I lost too many phones already. I let my guard down for a short walk and look what happened. I'm still kicking myself in the butt.

Actually, generally, I'm okay. I'm thinking how mightily stupid I am but I'm okay, I'm not devastated. The hardest thing about it was to tell my mom what an idiot she has for a daughter. She's always the one who takes it (losing cellphones) the hardest.

And, this may sound strange, but sane at the same time, I am happy. I just lost my 3650 but not even that is big enough to get me down. Can you imagine how happy I am right now? Even I have absolutely no idea. It's that huge.

better than last week

2005-03-08T20:59:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 13

This will be another entry about Tzigane. Or rather about improvement. We gave Tzigane a go again today and we're very pleased that we have now super memorized it. Now, it's all a matter of getting the steps right. Difficult, almost impossible steps are easier now that Nino actually stops and asks, "How does this work?" It's not perfect yet, but it's getting there. So much so that Nino wants to perform it tomorrow.

I still feel kind of off, when it comes to taking class, but I'm taking it slow. Which is always good.

i shoulda known better. it was good while it lasted.

2005-03-08T02:07:00.000+08:00

Joelle gave her phone to the evil Tiktiks between the MRT and Galleria one fine Monday afternoon. She is kicking herself in the butt because she deserves it. She doesn't think she's going to buy another phone anytime soon. Instead, she will buy an organizer, a watch, a digital camera, a video recorder. And the next time she buys a phone it will only be a phone and not something she cannot live without. You may currently reach her through email, IM, this blog or her landlines, which she will give out when you email/IM her.

If you want to read a little story that was inspired by this incident, check this out.

interviews, ethics and good relationships

2005-03-08T01:06:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 12

We talked about ethics in Research class today. And this moved to the realm of The Interview.

We have to be very careful when we do interviews because we would like to get the best data from our informants and since we're going to benefit more from this than they ever will, it's always practical to have a good relationship with the "subjects and objects of your writing."1

I remember the first interview that I really bombed on. It wasn't my first interview with anybody, but I was working for an ambitious portal that wanted to be Everything for the Filipino and required me to write an article a day, and I was just too tired to do the research on electronica and asked Malek (formerly of Rubber Inc, currently of Sweetspot and Sound) to be interviewed by me on the spot and I said, "So tell me, what is it you do?" Which of course pissed him off and he was mean to me the entire hour we sat down to talk after my coercing him during the launch party of some I-don't-remember-what-anymore. After that, I never went unprepared to another interview again. And when I see him, I just duck whenever there's the slightest chance we might make eye contact and hope he doesn't recognize me, or better, remember me anymore.

But, in general, and when it concerns ballet especially, I have really good rapport with my informants. After I wrote my undergrad thesis, I had somehow become known to the dance world as the Denisa Reyes expert, and I feel so cool whenever Denisa sees me and is so happy to. I feel cooler when she's trying to get me to work with her. I wish I had taken that opportunity then, it would have been a good learning experience, among other things. But no, I would not quit my sell-out jobs for my art, yet. That had to come much much later.

After Malek, I guess I've been in good graces with everyone I've ever interviewed. Which is good because I'm going to have to be doing a lot of interviews for my thesis. And God knows I need to be in good terms with everyone for what I plan to do. Aaaaah.

---

1 Mirano, Elena, from a lecture in class today. 2

2 This footnote is because as part of our ethics lecture, she told us to cite everything that doesn't belong to us and it would be dangerous to fail to. It's called plagiarism, baby. I'm merely practicing.

patience is a virtue

2005-03-07T23:02:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 11

I take back everything I said in thesis journal entry # 10.

This is the thing: I was PMS-ing. And I was slightly out of shape because we had a three day non-dancing vacation. And my partner was still learning the frigging dance. So it was bound to suck. When we rehearsed again Friday, Anatoli was able to correct things that Nino was doing wrong, like not stepping out to keep me centered in some spots and not holding my body low enough to slide me across the stage.

(--- is it just me or did that last description sound hot? Man, I can really have one track of a mind if I want it to be --)

And I guess I'm impatient about getting it right. I have always been this antsy about being perfect. Next time it threatens to lord over a rehearsal, or anything, anything at all, I have to smash it down. Patience is a virtue, dearie. Yes, I'm talking to myself.

What's nice about Friday's rehearsal is Anatoli's confidence in me. Usually, he's changing steps for people, saying, "Not nice, maybe do this (easier step instead), better for you." I'm always appalled that, in a professional setting, choreography is changed so that the dancer has an easier time dancing. What kind of professional dancing is that? How do we up our standards of technique and proficiency if we allow that to happen? It kinda says a lot about the state of dancing in this country, but I'm never going to go public and say that aloud. Outside this blog, of course. May nobody who matters ever find this and hold it against me.

Anyway, back to me, he would be correcting Nino because he knows I can do certain things properly, so if it looks wrong, it's because Nino's not holding me properly. And it turns out to be just the case. Or if it's my fault, he'll only have to point out what I'm doing wrong and I get it right away and he holds his palm out and says, "You see?" Like he knows I can do it, I just didn't know how. It's very encouraging.

I'm getting my groove back, turning more, jumping higher, though I have to work on smoothening out my transitions and keeping my center in check. Things like those never really go away, they just have to be reminded that they exist. Which is why I'm supposed to take ballet class every day.

Tzigane blues... or reds, whichever you prefer

2005-03-04T12:29:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 10

I'm out of shape. It's strange that I am because I only rested three days without ballet and I was thinking how good it was for my ankle and my poor knees and my eyes that don't need to be wearing contact lenses. Back to ballet and my ankle, my knees and my eyes are back to how they were, like I didn't rest them at all, ingrates.

It's frustrating because you want to be able to take a decent class and instead, you're in semi-pain trying to keep up with Anatoli's strange combinations. It's no way to live, I think.

And then the serious rehearsal for Tzigane has begun. And you don't want to dance Tzigane out of shape, but you don't have a choice. There's a lot of stuff I feel I could be doing better, I just haven't found my groove yet. And it's not at all encouraging that your partner is having a hard time getting back into shape as well - he particularly has a lot of getting into shape to do because he rested an entire year. I remember him to be stronger than he is now; he's actually having a hard time catching me and lifting me and I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have eaten too much since we went to Davao.

At times, I'm afraid that I'll do a completely bum job and I can't use my out-of-shapeness (or my partner's out-of-shapeness) as an excuse anymore. I'm really worried that I won't do a good Tzigane because I'm not good enough. Or I'm doing something wrong so that my partner has a hard time lifting me. It's times like these I wish my Dad was watching the rehearsal.

The thing is Tzigane is a show-off ballet and all of a sudden, I'm afraid to show off. I'm having
doubts about myself that I'm able to show off, that I have what it takes to dance this. It was created for Lisa Macuja for crying out loud.

I don't know if I'm going to dance this at all, besides my insecure evaluation of myself, because I'm heavily embedded in most of the company's outreach repertoire. Will they take me out of some dances so that I can dance Tzigane? If this is a promotion, I hope I don't botch it up.

I don't know why this is going into my thesis journal at all. I think I may just be whining my head off for no reason except I had a less than stellar rehearsal yesterday. But I may need whatever insights I make here in the future. Or I may not. We'll see.

battle scars on my right armpit from one of the tricky lifts in Tzigane

who changed the format anyhow?

2005-03-04T12:17:00.000+08:00

It's killing me that in American Idol this year, they're eliminating according to boys and girls and there's obviously more talented boys than girls this year and they're eliminating talented boys and keeping dorky girls because of their new elimination format pre-top 12. It sucks.

Just ranting. I think I'm hormonal. You'll see.

ola!!!

2005-03-03T22:21:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 9
(I count discussing my thesis two blog posts ago as thesis journal entry # 8)

I got email from my friend Aileen the other day. She's in Spain, on a three-month residency with the David Campos Ballet in Barcelona; she's supposed to return to the Philippines and perform in our Swan Lake (she's already casted as Lucas' Odette/Odile) in July, but we're all expecting her to return to Spain and dance there forever. She should - better pay, better conditions, and ohmylord, a chance to live in Europe! While some of us are thinking we can probably sit cats or something.

Anyway, this is her reply to my reply to her first email. Naturally, in my email, I had already told her what I planned to do with my new thesis topic because Aileen had previously been dancing with BM and the first time Aileen and I had danced together (a million years ago) was in a summer workshop under BP. I was thinking, since she's seen how all three companies operate, this should be interesting for her.

In her email, she tells me about what they've been doing in Spain, which I believe I can use for my thesis, and towards the end, comments on my thesis topic. This part I found rather interesting:

"...ayaw mo nun, marami kang malalaman, i´m sure, it´ll all be the same, kahit saan ka naman magpunta you´ll encounter similar problems in companies."

I was not, myself, thinking that at all: the possibility that these three companies, and most companies whereever you go, are having the same problems regardless of the different conditions they operate by. This is something I really want to discover while digging deep into my thesis.

narcissus

2005-03-03T19:22:00.000+08:00

I gained a little weight.

I blame my stay in Davao and the eat-all-you-can places they took us to. I've been on eat-all-you-can mode since Saturday. Now, I have a tummy. And it's not an imagined tummy. You know how you eat too much at lunch or dinner and your belly swells up because of all the food that went in? Well, that's what it's been like for me because I've been overeating like none of your business. Even when I got home, I'd overeat. Now, my stomach is a bit pudgy.

The rest of me is all gaunt still, so when I complain about my newfound fat to anybody, they're like, "You're anorexic!!!" No, no , you don't understand!!!

Anyway, I'm going to be more careful about going nuts at mealtimes. If I ever let myself go, it won't be for another twenty years. And maybe not even then.

the thinking vacation

2005-03-01T12:30:00.000+08:00

I've been slacking off my thesis journal recently, particularly because

I had just submitted my first seven entries to my Research prof and since I don't have to show her any more, I don't feel compelled to write any anytime soon.
I haven't been dancing since Saturday, nor was I exposed to any kind of dancing at all, so what exactly would I have to write about?
I have a new thesis topic and this is all I'm thinking about right now, not any new thoughts about dance.

I have a new thesis topic. My prof convinced me that I should stop defending ballet as something deserving of study. I realize that it's the biggest problem I have with my thesis: my thesis problems are not concrete because I keep trying to establish that dance is not only worthy of academic study but important, intelligent shite as well. And it was the road to pervasiveness, little did I realize!!!

(Pervasiveness? Pervasivity? Pervasion?)

Another major problem I'm having is there is nothing of this size written about ballet in the Philippines. So the most practical thing to do is write the most basic - about history. Yes, my prof is getting what she wants in the first place. But it's not the way I had first perceived it. Instead of writing a history of ballet in the Philippines, I'm to discuss the structure and sociological workings of the three major ballet companies in the Philippines, which will definitely require the history of ballet in the Philippines and more. It's not easy, boring shit that I'm going to shovel. This is going to be a lot of hard work.

My prof had to assure me that if I wanted to write about something more complex, I needn't rush or worry because I still have my dissertation to write. I never even began to consider following my master's up with a PhD but my research prof seems to think it should be the next step. Maybe she thinks this of most MA students writing their theses.

And she and my thesis adviser (well, my supposed thesis adviser, if he's back from the National Museum anytime soon) spoke and agree that this is what I should do. Actually, when I was in consultation with him, he asked for a history of the three major ballet companies in the Philippines within my thesis and said, "Actually, that stands as a thesis in itself." Yeah, yeah, so they win but I concede because they're older than me and they have PhDs and therefore they know better. Meanwhile, I don't have to kill myself trying to prove and justify things. Why must I always have to try to prove and justify that something is important?

(Yes, Fran, I was reading your blog while writing this blog entry :* )

What made me concede was I totally agree. I've been slowly agreeing over time actually: a study of the Pas de Deux is pertinent but there should be existing studies of the bigger universe of ballet before this specialized study is made. And who's going to write that? It's not like I need to be tied up and tortured before I agree to do something like that, I think it's something I can adequately do and will have fun doing. So why all the resistance?

Because I rebel by nature. *Bonk on the head*

Anyway, I just wanted to share that I'm not slacking off. Not really. My head's been on overdrive since I started writing my Saturday thesis journal entry. I'm fizzing.

-----

In other news, you may know by now that his yumminess Jon Johnson won Manhunt after getting freaked out about doing a naked photo shoot. Woohoo.

vinta

2005-02-28T12:43:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 5

(I wrote this last Friday but was only able to upload it today because I went and packed for my trip after I wrote it and couldn't be bothered to go online. And then, after dinner, I went to watch Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, which is a marvelous movie, you should go see it. When I got home after my date, I had to go to sleep because my flight the next day was at 5:30am and my parents wanted to leave the house at 2 because they believed with all their heart that you needed to be at the airport two hours before your departure time. I'm currently in a rush to print these out for my Research prof so I'm not bothering clarifying the tenses and when I felt all this exactly. But I know you're smart enough to figure all that out. So.)

We don't have ballet class today because it's the anniversary of the EDSA revolution; we're not off because we're observing the holiday, we're off because our studio is located a block away from the EDSA shrine and it might mean we would be unable to get to the studio to rehearse because of all the traffic and blocked roads and no transportation. Otherwise, we would have rehearsed, I'm pretty sure of it.

Anyway, I've decided today to reflect on the pieces we're performing tomorrow in Davao. We're performing for the NCCA-sponsored Sayaw Pinoy, a festival of dances in celebration of National Arts Month. I'm surprised that we're only dancing in Davao this year. Last year, we danced in Pasig and again in Cebu, while the other participating groups got to perform at two places each also, all throughout the Philippines. Also, I didn't see a schedule this year, so I'm not sure how many other performances there were. But I'm assuming there are other performances.

We're performing Vinta, Tzigane and the Grand Pas De Deux from La Bayadere. Today, I'll discuss my thoughts of Vinta.

Vinta has been in the PBT repertoire for a long time now; if I remember correctly, it was first danced by Lisa Macuja as the lead dancer. Most of PBT's principal dancers had performed not only the lead, but had gone through the ranks, dancing the roles of the corps de ballet, then of the demi-soloist before dancing the part of the lead.

Vinta is an abstract, thematic ballet inspired by the sailboats of the same name in Mindanao. It is in classical ballet form and danced en pointe, but somewhat stylized. The movements are polished with touches attributed to the Muslim - flexed hands, angular arms and legs, heads held regally high while maintaining an aloof veneer, with eyes cast down. The women wear long-sleeved unitards with muslim patterns at the hems of the pants and sleeves, a pearl- studded headband, and wear a malong around their bodies and use them in the dance. The three men are in unitards fashioned in a Venus cut, and end right below their knees.

Vinta was choreographed by PBT's current artistic director Gener Caringal to music by Vangelis, soaring and evocative electronic music with symphonic and rock elements, and with a sampling of waves crashing and wind howling in the background. Lengths of cloth are stretched across the stage at the start and end of the dance. These cloths, as well as the movements of the dancers are supposed to evoke the Mindanao sailboats on the water. It is unclear whether we are the sailboat or the crew of the sailboat or the waves that push the sailboat. But then, that's the fun part of the abstract ballet, we can be anything.

I'm dancing as one of the four corps de ballet girls; there used to be six but over time, they had to cut two of the girls out of the choreography because it was performed a lot during tours. In the past year, there was a chance to make it six again but that was dropped because the costume mistress couldn't find the other two corps de ballet costumes, which must have been buried so deep in the costume room from all the years they weren't brought out to be performed in.

Anyway, I love dancing Vinta. Even as one of the corps, I think it's not a kulelat part because most of the dancing in Vinta is difficult; in PBT you're cast in Vinta when you get to a certain level in the company. If you perform Vintaon a level that doesn't meet the choreographer's standards, you're screwed. I'm serious - there are a lot of horror stories about making mistakes in Vinta that were seen by Tito G. Let's just say that Tito G can be a sweet man but he's really a terror when it comes to discipline, dancing and performance.

(No, he doesn't hit us, if that's what you thought I meant. You don't have to physically hurt someone to make them scared of you. And it's more like scared enough never to make that mistake, or any mistake, again.)

Back to my point. I love dancing Vinta because the movements are demanding and precise, but they really flow into each other - as long as you remember where your hands go while holding and letting go of that malong. It's pretty good dancing and there's a lot of triumphant senses of fulfillment when you exit that stage after dancing your best. It's also very musical, even driven by the music at times. And the dance is so structuired that even the patterns made on the floor while crossing each other make interesting shapes that contribute to the overall effect of the dance.

The lead boy in Vinta had been performed by Manny Molina, Nicolas Pacana, Raoul Banzon, once or twice by Osias Barroso Jr, Quincy Jacinto, Ron Jaynario and Lucas Jacinto. Lucas and Quincy are my brothers, Raoul is my uncle, my mom's brother. At one early performance of Vinta, performed by Lisa Macuja and Nicolas Pacana, with my family in the audience, Julie Borromeo, whom my Dad used to dance for during his time, had remarked to him, "That shouldn't be him (Pacana) up there. You know, everytime I see this, I can see you dancing."

My Dad used to be not only Tita Julie's star dancer, but also Lucresia Urtula's when he was dancing for Bayanihan and Conching Sunico's when he danced for Karilagan. People would call his dancing "magnetic" and "earthy." He had (and still has) this suave way of moving and a stage presence you can't ignore. His favorite beef about his dancing was that he was never tapped to play Prince roles, which always went to Nonoy Froilan and Franklin Bobadilla; Dad was always the contravida. But he was the kind of villain that made women swoon - my mother fell in love with him when she saw him dance an Igorot warrior solo.

Princes hardly make effective Vinta leads. Pacana is one example, Shaz Barroso is another. While Lisa mostly trusted Shaz to partner her throughout her career as a ballerina, she would only perform Vinta with Shaz a few times, and then mostly with Raoul, who is more a rogue than a romantic lead.

Then came the time Quincy was cast in Vinta; everyone was so awed by his attack of the role, from Tita Julie to adoring audiences to our younger brother Lucas. So much so that when Lucas was cast in Vinta after he came back to dancing professionally and Quincy left for the States, he was very afraid to dance it, afraid that he'll perform it and forever hear, "Well, it wasn't as good as Quincy's."

Lucas is a Prince. When he was way younger, he was even dubbed "The future Prince of Philippine Ballet," the next Prince after Nonoy Froilan. And he did live up to it. He is tall, regal and handsome and he can do clean yet impressive turns, jumps and tricks. Quincy is more like my father, always ticked off at Lucas because he's the obvious Prince, never mind if his roles have lots of meat on them already. Quincy was expected to do a fantastic Vinta and he delivered. People weren't quite as sure of Lucas in the same role.

But the day of his Vinta premiere came and the same people were stunned (myself included, but not quite as much, I think). Lucas had somehow found enough mojo to be convincingly magnetic and powerful. He did it so well, that in the past two years, nobody else has danced his role in Vinta except for him.

One of his secrets to success is quite funny. I said him once, "Ang galing ng Vinta mo ah." And he replied, "Kasi pag sinasayaw ko, iniisip ko na (and he strikes a strong Vinta pose) ako si Quincy."

Actually, there was one person who wasn't quite impressed with Lucas' first Vinta performance. That would be my Dad. He gave my brother pointers about what to do with the role, how to approach it. Over time, Lucas has studied, applied and perfected them and his Vinta keeps getting better and better with each show. A couple weeks ago, at the La Salle show, I thought it was his best performance yet. As he gets better dancing this dance, so do I feel that my dancing this dance has also improved. I suppose it's one of the reasons why I love dancing Vinta so much. Or any kind of dancing in general.

show stories

2005-02-28T12:35:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 6

We were informed that we're performing with another Ballet group and three folk dance groups. The Philippine Normal University's folk dance troupe, the Kislap Sining Dance Troupe, is supposed to join us, but they don't seem to be anywhere in sight. We blocked on the stage after lunch and were given a chance to rest (5am flight) either in the hotel or in the venue, which is the CAP theatre. Some of the dancers decided to go back to the hotel, others decided it was better to stay at the theater rather than move around too much, making rest bitin because we had to be back at the theater in an hour and a half anyway. I stayed at the theatre for that reason. And because I wanted to watch the other groups rehearse.

I'm assuming they're two different folk dance groups, but it's hard to tell because there's so many of them and there isn't any particular delineation between them. The small woman who welcomed us at the airport and the head of the PNU troupe rehearsed each dance, so it was hard to tell if the people there all belonged to just one group or the small woman was in charge of the other two groups.

One group performed a recognizable dance, of a group of girls carrying large baskets and woven cloths over their heads (I was not able to get the name of this dance, most probably of our highland peoples). I had seen this exact dance previously performed by the PNU group and the difference between the performers was staggering.

As I recall, the PNU group executed all their steps in unflinching unison - each step performed according to exact specifics: where they hold their arms, the measurement of how big or small each shoulder shrug should be, the length of the strides, the tilt of their heads. I'm assuming that this is because the dancers of PNU are training to be teachers and you can see that they are learning their dances not only to perform them but to be able to teach them to other people. Meanwhile, the groups present today had most likely come from the local schools and probably danced in their school's folk dance club or were taking it for PE. Or something similar.

The regional troupe who danced this highland dance with the baskets (from Holy Cross College) did make their own efforts to dance together and to keep their lines but you could see the awkwardness of the steps from lack of training and rehearsals and that they moved according to how they understood the step on their own. Larry Gabao, the head of the PNU troupe, had them rehearsing this dance over and over, which is probably what he would have demanded from his own group.

----

It's a strange "festival" this year. It seemed more like a recital with PBT as guest dancers. We were joined by three ballet schools - children!!! - and three folk dance groups, none of which were the PNU. Turns out the PNU's participation was cancelled at the last minute, probably to make way for the local groups. So the three folk dance groups were the Holy Cross College dance troupe, The University of the Immaculate Conception dance troupe and the Madayaw Dance Ensemble.

I'm thinking then that it wasn't even a real festival, at least not like how it was last year, a celebration of the different kinds of dance in the Philippines, with more professional participants. Then again, I doubt that the audience minded.

Speaking of the audience minding: in the La Bayadere Grand Pas, we three variation girls (myself, Betsy and Tasha) did really well except for one glitch. At the end of our variation, we do a single, then double lame duck to the right, and finish the dance with our arms up in 5th position. Tasha got suddenly confused as to where to put her arms during the turn (typical of Tasha to suddenly get confused in the middle of executing the step) and it threw her turn off. Since Betsy could see her, she got confused as to whether Tasha was right and she was wrong (typical of Betsy) and was almost thrown off her turn, wobbling on her finish. They were both in my line of vision and their confusion distracted me in mid-turn (typical of me to notice something going wrong while dancing) and it threw me off. Because of this, the audience were confused about that entire mess and almost didn't applaud. They did clap a little bit, mercy claps. It was beyond funny.

Otherwise, we ballet dancers performed really well and were quite well received. The other groups were excited about the show the next day and a lot of them kept asking me "Sasayaw rin kayo bukas?"

----

Kiddie Anecdote # 1
Before Vinta, I was standing beside this little kid waiting for her cue to go onstage. She pulls my arm and asks me, "Ano sayaw niyo?" I said, "Manood ka nalang," because I didn't want to try to explain Vinta to the little kid waiting for her cue. She then asked, "Pero anong tawag sa sayaw niyo?" So I replied, "Vinta." She screwed up her nose and said, "Ano yon?" Maybe Vintas don't sail the Davao waters anymore? Or maybe they call it somewhere else there? Or maybe I'm talking to a little child?

Hehe, "ano yon" indeed.

----

Kiddie Anecdote # 2
After the show, we were all trying to dress up in this makeshift changing space, I was the last one to get out of my tutu because I was busy coordinating that the curtain that closes around us remain closed. Because of that, I was the only one still in a tutu when one of the Mommies called in and asked if any one was still in costume and could that person please pose with her daughter for pictures to inspire the kid to continue taking dance lessons.

Of course that had to be me. The other girls were laughing their heads off as I went to comply with this request.

It was cute: the little girl I was posing with was so excited to be posing with a real live ballerina. When that was done, I wasn't - other girls wanted their picture taken with me too. It was so funny. This must be how a mascot feels like.

audiences everywhere

2005-02-28T12:31:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 7

I discovered last night that we were also supposed to dance in Gen San. But then the bombs went off and we were supposed to travel to Gen San from Davao by bus, so the Gen San trip was nixed. I'm not sure if the Gen San performance was part of the National Arts Month program or just an extra thing we're doing because we're already here anyway.

We're not dancing today because we were informed by the organizers that the stage at today's venue was not conducive for dancing. So we manage to get Kit and Alvin to simplify their steps for Tzigane and Tiffany to do an improv to Phantom of the Opera (the only other CD any of us brought that wasn't hiphop) while the rest of us can shop (the venue of today's show is a mall).
Then, we get there to discover that the stage is like the usual stage malls set up (those black platforms they piece together) and we've danced on those. But the organizers had already been convinced that we don't have to dance today, and a lot of the other dancers already had their minds set to not dancing. So Kit and Alvin did Tzigane and Tiffany did her improv and the audience at the Davao mall were okay with that (I should know because I was sitting in the audience during the show, watching them as much as I was watching the show itself).

Actually, I've been trying to figure out if there are differences between audiences from different places and it's strange that there seems to be similar audience reactions whether you're from the city, from the north or from the south, which makes you think it's the same audience pretty much anywhere. They clap exuberantly when they see the impressive-looking overhead lifts and multiple turns. Moreover, they all generally like what they see. Ballet doesn't bore them, as they're always attentive and appreciative.

So it's not expected for these people to come to CCP to watch our season shows, but it doesn't mean that the Filipino people find ballet to be an alien art form, like I was proposing in defense of the significance of my thesis topic. Perhaps it's just easier for them to catch ballet when they go to a mall. Everyone knows Filipinos love the mall.

boys, yeah yeah, boys

2005-02-25T15:05:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry # 4

An interesting thing happened in ballet class today (technically yesterday). Anatoli sometimes gives the strangest steps; yesterday, he made us jump a pique turn. A pique turn is done with one foot pivoting on the floor. Jumping it seemed difficult, even to the boys. But when you get the theory of it and try it out a couple times, it's actually pretty easy to do. On your side, at least.

When you say "your side," in ballet, you're referring to the "side" on which you can perform certain steps better. Right handed people can turn more pirouettes and fouettes and double tours on their right, while left handed people can do things better when it's done to the left. Most people are right handed and their side is to the right, but the few lefties are actually brilliant when they do what they do and are still able to do adequate steps to the right. Some people can be right-handed and yet find it easier to execute steps to the left. I have no idea why that is, just that it exists.

Anyway, my side is the right, except I can do good turns to the left as well, sometimes my left turns are better than my right. Sometimes. The pique turn en l'air however is only a right-handed step for me, I realize that afternoon.

I jump high. I'm not bragging or anything, I'm stating a fact. I don't leap tall buildings in a single bound, but for a girl, I can jump pretty high. So much so that I can turn while jumping, something only boys are expected to do. I don't really care what the boys think of this phenomena; I don't join their combinations in class because I want to show them up, I only do them for myself.

The pique turn en l'air however was given to both girls and boys. The girls did theirs without barely getting off the floor. I did mine (to the right) pretty high up and I think it stirred some discontent in the boys who found the step difficult. So when we did the exercise to the left and I couldn't complete my turn to the left (nearly falling), I heard some of the boys not only snicker at me, but laugh outright.

This is so grade school, but it made me feel frustrated. I only felt better when some of them couldn't do it to the left, either.

I have to conk myself on the head, though. Was feeling bad necessary? They're just boys being themselves, frogs, snails, puppydogs' tails and all. But some of the most important things in life you do learn in kindergarten. Like humility. Well, I still insist I wasn't showing off, I was merely doing the combination. But I think I have to consider what will draw attention to me, especially in an environment where a lot of egos are jete-ing through the room. You may think you're not showing off, but other people don't necessarily think the way you do.

For a year now, I've been working on not letting what other people think get to me. I still need to work on that some more, obviously.

pot calling the kettle black

2005-02-25T14:39:00.000+08:00

Aha! *Me pointing an accusatory finger at myself*

I was just a few posts ago whining about not being taken seriously by people because I look too yummy to be smart and here I am a few posts later, doing the same to somebody else. AAAAAAHHH!!!

Jon Johnson, your royal yumminess, I apologize.

Okay, back to our regular programming.

merf...

2005-02-24T12:58:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry #3

Preliminary rehearsals for the Davao performance. Actually, since we have only a few days to rehearse for the Davao performance, day one is preliminary stuff for recalling the dance, in this case the Grand Pas de Deux from the second act of La Bayadere, and for any new people doing the dance for the first time to learn the steps, etc, and then day two is the big rehearsal of the entire repertoire, en pointe and on performance level. But then, we get used to it.

We haven't been performing the La Bayadere Grand Pas in the longest time, so even if my variation used to feel like second nature when I danced it six months ago, there's a lot that I'm not sure about. But after a couple of rehearsals, I remember everything again. Which is good because when I danced it in July, I was dancing it flawlessly each performance. I think I said as much to my sister and she was all, "Ang kapal mo naman."

But kakapalan aside, I felt really safe in the fact that I was doing my variations flawlessly. Meaning, I could do it without worrying about it and would be able to enjoy myself while dancing it. I've been thinking that this is how I want to dance, without worry, with only enjoyment and accomplishment that I did a wonderful job. Otherwise, what would you be dancing for?

I've been recently feeling irritated about the post-show dressing room conversations, involving all the mistakes they did during the show in high-pitched complaint mode. Why do that? I wish I could tell them not to stress about it, to take their mistakes and use them in the studio when we rehearse so that we can learn from them. But I think they're actually enjoying the whining. I just wish they'd do it far away from me.

is there a factory for perfect men?

2005-02-23T01:44:00.000+08:00

Or is it just a small boutique that outsources their cutters and sewers?

I know who won Manhunt. I surfed the net for pictures of Jon Johnson (the pics you saw a couple of posts ago) and the official website said who won. I'm glad, though, because I like who won. No, I will not kill it for you and say who.

(I think I'm the only person who reads my blog who watches Manhunt, but I'm still not giving away who won. You can surf the net for it if you really want to know, you're not hearing it from me.)

I really really like my manok, Jon Johnson, though. He's so incredibly pretty, but at the same time, he's cool and not irritating or too vain or desperate, like some of the other guys. All the guys have their bios up on the official site and I laughed at some of the other guys' and was so "You've got to be kidding me!" upon reading Jon Johnson's. First off, he's a physics major and he's taking astrophysics and is intent on flying a space shuttle someday. For most of the guys on the show, their big career dream is to win this contest, while Jon Johnson wants to fly a space shuttle. And guess what, he's been playing the piano his entire life, and he likes to play Jazz. I started thinking, am I really attracted to people who turn out to be physics majors and jazz musicians? Jon Johnson is also, primarily, very passionate about surfing. Which computes more, I guess, and doesn't make the prior stuff all that shocking.

And I'm thinking, how are perfect men made? It seems a sin that such yummy goodness (majoring in astrophysics, is dedicated to his girlfriend, has excellent taste in music - his favorite album is Led Zep's Physical Graffiti) walks this earth. Observe:

Isn't it unfair? Then again, he's supposed to have really bad teeth and is only 5'11". Yeah, like those are really flaws you notice.

I guess, besides the yummy goodness, I really like him and am still rooting for him in Manhunt because he just goes and does his thing without complaint or drama. He has fun and is cool about stuff. He on a whole has a really good, deep personality, which I realize I really look for when choosing amongst men, even if it's a contest for America's most gorgeous male model.

Naturally, an entry about a perfect man will bring me to thoughts about how lucky I am that I found the perfect man for me. Or was it he who found me? (Or was it the seagull?) I mean, how much luck is involved in falling in love with somebody's mind before discovering that this whip-smart guy you've been talking to all week turns out to be such yummy goodness as well? And he doesn't feel threatened that I watch Manhunt, much less blog about my favorite contestant in detail. I have a yummy, ultra-intelligent, talented, independent man to love.

Sometimes, it feels unfair, like what did I do to get so lucky? But I've learned not to care. I've been a good girl.

noting applause

2005-02-23T01:27:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry #2

The audience tonight was composed of La Salle's night students; I was surprised actually, I didn't expect La Salle to have classes for career people. A group of them were even deaf-mutes, so they didn't hear the music, but that didn't seem to kill the experience for them. The organizers prepped the audience before the show about how to be an audience for ballet, including encouraging them to clap when they felt impressed with what was going on onstage. It was interesting to notice that they enthusiastically clapped each time a difficult-looking lift was done, or when anyone did fouette turns (really fast turns in one spot with one leg propelling the body around - fouette means "to whip"), or when we kicked our legs up really high. I don't think they knew quite how to react to the boys, so there wasn't really any applause when the boys did their tricks ("tricks" is colloquially what we call the difficult steps for male dancers). They did clap enthusiastically for Nino after his "Sa Ugoy Ng Duyan" solo, but then solos should get that kind of attention. Overall, the audience were receptive and attentive and honestly appreciative. They weren't going "Whooaaaa..." all the time, like the six-graders did.

We finished the show with Classical Symphony, which was choreographed by Anatoli, mainly according to the Classical Ballet aesthetic of pure lines and prettiness. I was thinking, while putting on my tiara for this piece, that if I were to write a paper or review this for publication, I would point out that it was called Classical Symphony yet the music Anatoly uses aren't quite pieces from the Classical period, whether from the Classical period of music or the Classical period of Dance. Still, it works as a showpiece; nobody from the audience I think is going to nitpick about that.

At one point of the first dance (Classical Symphony has four dances in it, an entrada, two variations, and a coda, but we only performed three dances tonight), towards the end, the girls are doing swift passe retires while the boys are jumping temps leves with entrechats, and as everyone is moving as one big unit, the audience erupts into applause. If you're going to show ballet to people who probably have never seen any ballet before, pieces like Classical Symphony is probably what they're expecting and what they'll be most appreciative of.

Near the stage, a few rows from the front, sat a little girl, perhaps the daughter of one of the working students. Every so often, my eyes would be drawn towards her because her arms would be slowly flailing every which way, as she was dancing along with us. It was the cutest thing.

we need the money...

2005-02-22T00:56:00.000+08:00

thesis journal entry #1

Rehearsing for the La Salle show tomorrow. My brother Lucas has joked that PBT is now the resident dance company for La Salle Greenhills because we've danced there already four times within the last two months. It's strange to dance for an all-boys private school, they're not the kind of audience I'd expect would really appreciate ballet. So far, they like seeing the girls lift up their legs. Well, they could really have enjoyed watching us dance, but we can never really know for sure what they thought exactly.

My problem with dancing for a private school is they think they can call us over for an 8am show and think it shouldn't be difficult for us. They don't know that we have to be warmed up and made up by eight and we need to take class at 6 so that we can be warm enough for a performance at 8, meaning we have to be up by 5 to make it to class at 6. I know regular people are awake by 5 to get their days going, I just find it inhumane to people who normally start their working days at 2 in the afternoon.

Oh well. To quote Anatoli, though, "We need the money."

He said that in reply to my concern: "What if the La Salle boys laugh at Nino?" Nino is dancing a solo for tomorrow's show, a modern piece set to "Sa Ugoy Ng Duyan," both dance and song bearing the same title. The piece is, I think, about an old man remembering his younger life - the old man thing I got from this gesture that starts the piece, Nino is sitting on a chair and he starts shaking his hand as if he has arthritis. He leaps and stretches throughout the dance, abruptly interrupting these graceful movements with jarred agitations throughout his body, as if he is going insane all of a sudden and then stopping and dancing fluidly again. I think the La Salle boys will watch this and find it hilarious, which is a shame because Nino does it incredibly well - quite impressive really, since he had only learned the dance over the weekend.

We'll see tomorrow. I'm really glad though that the show tomorrow is at 6 in the evening and not at 8 in the morning.

Dancing highlight of my day: I kinda rehearsed Tzigane. Kinda because I am not the one actually rehearsing it, Kit is dancing Tzigane with Ron tomorrow. I'm made to learn the dance so that I can perform it in the future. I don't know what my chances are of actually dancing it, but it's fun to do. Kinda also because, since we're doing it in the back while Kit and Ron are rehearsing and I'm not wearing my pointe shoes, I didn't dance it full out, I just marked it. I marked it because we're performing it in the back, plus I'm not wearing my pointe shoes, plus Nino, who's my partner in this dance, is still in the process of memorizing it. The little that we actually did was really nice, though. Maybe I'm just blowing smoke out my ass but I really think that when I do Tzigane in its entirety, I will do it really well. I hope.

cleaning out the clutter

2005-02-22T00:24:00.000+08:00

My Research prof thinks I'm still not quite sure what I want to do with my thesis exactly. Now, I have to admit, I super agree. I think much of my angst has been because I've been trying to defend ballet as something worthy of study. I realize now that she was negative about my thesis then because of this problem - I was too busy being defensive about ballet having significance that the essence of what was so significant hardly existed. I had a few ideas here and there and I was trying to construct an entire paper on those scattered ideas.

Anyway, she tells me that I shouldn't feel bad if I'm still confused and asking a lot of questions about what I want to focus on. (I blame it on my doing too too many things.) She suggests I really narrow it down and make it easy on myself by writing about what's closest to my heart. Obviously, ballet, but what about ballet? I guess I still want to write about the pas de deux, I just got too excited about including folk and ethnic dance in it that I'm getting too in over my head again. When do I have time to really go into the field and do the required research? Especially when I'm already dancing full time and trying to get extra stuff in? Point!!! Perhaps, match point even.

So she made me write a thesis journal. This week will be important because from the seven entries I discuss with her next week, we'll figure out what I am really passionate about in the here and now. Or I suspect that's what I'm doing this for. In this journal, I will write down all my ballet thoughts and observations and questions. I have super a lot. This journal will help me find my focus.

I'm super admitting it here: I have none. (Let's say it again: I blame it on my doing too too many things!) I have all these thoughts running around in my head like headless chickens but focus? Focus is the name of the Body Shop perfume oil my parents gave me as a graduation present, partly because it smells so me and partly to remind me that I should try to have focus.

So I will keep this thesis journal, all the way through while writing this thesis, and post here in my sleepyhouse. I will also post about other stuff, don't worry. Who knows, it will help me focus for the rest of my writing as well.

(Off the record, I kinda suspect that my Prof may believe I'm not bright enough to write this thesis. Some days, I agree wholeheartedly. Other days, I'm thinking, hey, just because I'm sexy doesn't mean I don't have a brain! But lately, yes, I've been feeling I'm not bright enough to write this thesis. Or maybe, not all there. I'd rather, you know, do sexy brainless ditz stuff. *twirls hair on forefinger*)