This is why I love Spike on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. And how I've always imagined it should be for a hundred year old vampire to love, to really love, somebody. We should all be so lucky.
SPIKE
You listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine and done things I’d prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain so I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You.
(He reaches up to touch her face but she turns away.)
Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman.
(Tears stream down her cheeks as she stares down at him kneeling before her.)
You’re the one, Buffy.
BUFFY
I don’t want to be the one.
SPIKE
I don’t want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.
(She smiles a little in spite of herself.)
You get some rest now.
(He stands and heads for the door.)
I’ll check in before first light. You can decide how you want—
BUFFY
Spike?
(He stops and turns back.)
Could you stay here?
SPIKE
Sure.
(He shrugs out of his coat and tosses it on a rumpled sofa.)
That diabolical torture device, the comfy chair. Do me fine.
BUFFY
No. I mean… here. Will you just hold me?
(He nods and crosses over to the bed, sitting down with his back against the headboard. He wraps his arms around her and she curls up against him and drifts off to sleep.)
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Monday, October 04, 2004
happy happy joy joy
This is me. Lucas took it while practicing motion shots with his camera, I was his guinea pig. He doesn't like this shot because I'm on my way down, he is frustrated that he wasn't able to catch me at the peak of my jump. I don't care. I'm posting this here now, because I am coming back to ballet today and this picture is the best illustration of how I feel.
That's all.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
i'm done.
I don't want to post about guys anymore. It was escapism from posting about my life and I think I have to get out of this rut some way or other. It does seem that the universe is unfolding somehow, which is really good.
Sometime during the week, I was resorting all these old college things and found a lot of things I had forgotten I had. Stories I wrote, readings I set aside, programmes from ballets I had seen, application forms to universities in Italy, New York and Dallas (gee, how'd I get that, I wonder... ;P). The stories and fragments of would-be stories were in around 20-odd notebooks that also housed class notes, pen conversations with friends during Math, German and Nat Sci, lists of various things I liked and wanted to do, drafts of academic papers that wowed me with the depth of my mind so early in my life (hehe), etc. I didn't throw out much; instead, I did a lot of reading. Or re-reading, whatever. I can return to them when I want to, if ever I again feel I was at a loss as to who I am and what I want to do.
I'm discovering that both my writing exercises and my sorting through my old things were cathartic vehicles that served their purpose. So, I now place them back in the crevices I had left them and find my new path.
Sometime during the week, I was resorting all these old college things and found a lot of things I had forgotten I had. Stories I wrote, readings I set aside, programmes from ballets I had seen, application forms to universities in Italy, New York and Dallas (gee, how'd I get that, I wonder... ;P). The stories and fragments of would-be stories were in around 20-odd notebooks that also housed class notes, pen conversations with friends during Math, German and Nat Sci, lists of various things I liked and wanted to do, drafts of academic papers that wowed me with the depth of my mind so early in my life (hehe), etc. I didn't throw out much; instead, I did a lot of reading. Or re-reading, whatever. I can return to them when I want to, if ever I again feel I was at a loss as to who I am and what I want to do.
I'm discovering that both my writing exercises and my sorting through my old things were cathartic vehicles that served their purpose. So, I now place them back in the crevices I had left them and find my new path.
Friday, October 01, 2004
zen syrup can be anything you want it to be
Marga is amazed on my Tagboard that I have had this many men. I didn't have this many men. Some of them were just being admired from a distance. Some of them were just passing through. Strangely, they left some kind of mark. And that's what I'm writing about. For lack of things to write about.
Anyway, I'm taking a break from my kalandian. Here's some light fare I picked out of a pretty chipper blog:
1. FAVORITE BREAKFAST IS...
bacon and garlic rice, though I can eat bacon and garlic rice morning, noon, night, midnight, middle of the day...
2. THE MOVIE I'VE WATCHED MOST NUMBER OF TIMES...
toss up between West Side Story and Jesus Christ Superstar
3. LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL...
math and anything with numbers and counting and equating
4. SPEND MY LEISURE TIME...
interneting away -- yeah!!!
5. WORST SMELL?
dead rat
6. IF I COULD HAVE ANY CAR IN THE WORLD,WHAT WOULD IT BE?....
I never thought about it. Give me a sec.
7. FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
laundry, sweeping the floor and scrubbing the bathroom with Domex
8. WHEN I WAS A KID I DREAMED OF BECOMING A...
veterinarian - me too!!! I also dreamed of inventing a house that can float in the sky and I lived there.
9. FAVORITE COLOR/s?
blue, olive green, brick red, khaki
10.FAVORITE PERFORMER(S)?
Waya Gallardo! And the rare performance of the Waya Gallardo-Jenny Lim tag team. And Angel Corella of course. I'd put Marga, but it's never a performance, because that's just how she is really.... ;P
12. IF I COULD REPEAT COLLEGE, I'D TAKE
... I really believe I wouldn't have done anything differently
13. THREE THINGS I CAN'T FORGET BEFORE GOING TO SCHOOL?....
signpen, wallet, cellphone
14. FIRST THING I BOUGHT WITH MY FIRSTSALARY...
food ata. Typical.
15. I'D LIKE TO BE REMEMBERED AS....
a crazy mom/lola with a beautiful family - aaawww!!! that's beautiful :)
I guess I just would like to be remembered fondly.
16. IF A BOOK WAS MADE INTO A MOVIE,WOULD YOU STILL BOTHER TO READ THE BOOK?
of course
17. SPECIALTY IN COOKING?
fried rice. how kulelat. steamed chicken. and russian tea cakes and chocolate crinkles, but I don't make cookies anymore.
18. PRESENT CRUSH?
secret.
19. FAVORITE HANG-OUT?
these days, in front of the computer
20. BEST PLACE TO SHOP?
sigh, you're talking to miss do we have to go shopping?
21. DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH PLAYS?
if they star my favorite performer Waya Gallardo! But I'm wary of those plays they present in UP. Depende talaga.
22. FAVORITE PLACE IN YOUR HOUSE?
it used to be the garden, but I can't hang out there because the latero guys are working on Lucas' car. So, it'll have to be in front of the computer.
23. BEST GIFT YOU'VE RECEIVED?
Lucas' birthday gift that was an electric water heater. So I said to Lucas.
24. WEIRDEST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
a huge teddy bear from an ex after I told him I didn't like how boyfriends give their girlfriends teddy bears. Labo.
25. GIFT THAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE AS OF THIS MOMENT?
zen syrup
26. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST QUALITY OF THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TOYOU?
I took this off the blog of a beautiful, talented friend, who sees life in a most unique way and I wish I could see a little bit of life through her eyes, para shwak.
27. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAILTHIS TO, WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO REPLY?Joelle! - reply naman ako diba. Ayoko magpahiya ng beautiful friend. :) I have no idea if this will catch on from my blog, though.
28. ANONG ORAS NA?:
1:30 pm
29. ANO SA KEYBOARD ANG PARATI MONGNAPIPINDOT
\ because it's right beside enter
30. WHICH DO YOU PREFER;YAHOO OR HOTMAIL:
yahoo
31. LEFT OR RIGHT:
right, but pirouettes on the left, i'm more centered somehow
32. BLACK OR WHITE:
black, but I like white too. Just not together, I guess.
33. BLACK OR BLUE PEN:
Blue
34. SANDALS OR SHOES:
sandals
35. COLGATE OR HAPPEE:
Colgate. Who the fuck would choose happee? - Happee users, I guess, hahaha
36.CHOPSTICKS OR SPOON & FORK?
chopsticks if I'm eating Japanese or Chinese food.
38. ROBOCOP OR RAMBO:
Robocop
39. JOLLIBEE OR MCDO:
Depends on what I feel like eating.
40. COKE OR PEPSI:
Coke!
41. SAN MIG LIGHT, LONE STAR LIGHT OR REDHORSE:
San Mig Light, but I don't drink anymore.
42. HOPE OR CAMEL (na yosi):
Don't smoke. duh. na yosi---what else would it be kaya no? - another trait I love about the person I stole this from :)
43. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO:
It was a family talk - Daddy, Mommy, Jacqui
44. LAST PERSON WHO TEXTED YOU:
secret. (kadiri, hahahahahaha)
45. LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH:
secret uli, hahahahahahaha
46. LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY?
myself, talking to Daddy, but he didn't make me cry, iyakin lang ako.
47. THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED:
Last night.
48. SOMEONE TO BE WITH:
The question doesn't really make sense, but -- point. I'll keep this one to myself, too.
49. YOU SEE ME ALWAYS...
giggling my head off.
50. FAVORITE CHOCOLATEs:
white. I love vanilla. :)
Anyway, I'm taking a break from my kalandian. Here's some light fare I picked out of a pretty chipper blog:
1. FAVORITE BREAKFAST IS...
bacon and garlic rice, though I can eat bacon and garlic rice morning, noon, night, midnight, middle of the day...
2. THE MOVIE I'VE WATCHED MOST NUMBER OF TIMES...
toss up between West Side Story and Jesus Christ Superstar
3. LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL...
math and anything with numbers and counting and equating
4. SPEND MY LEISURE TIME...
interneting away -- yeah!!!
5. WORST SMELL?
dead rat
6. IF I COULD HAVE ANY CAR IN THE WORLD,WHAT WOULD IT BE?....
I never thought about it. Give me a sec.
7. FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
laundry, sweeping the floor and scrubbing the bathroom with Domex
8. WHEN I WAS A KID I DREAMED OF BECOMING A...
veterinarian - me too!!! I also dreamed of inventing a house that can float in the sky and I lived there.
9. FAVORITE COLOR/s?
blue, olive green, brick red, khaki
10.FAVORITE PERFORMER(S)?
Waya Gallardo! And the rare performance of the Waya Gallardo-Jenny Lim tag team. And Angel Corella of course. I'd put Marga, but it's never a performance, because that's just how she is really.... ;P
12. IF I COULD REPEAT COLLEGE, I'D TAKE
... I really believe I wouldn't have done anything differently
13. THREE THINGS I CAN'T FORGET BEFORE GOING TO SCHOOL?....
signpen, wallet, cellphone
14. FIRST THING I BOUGHT WITH MY FIRSTSALARY...
food ata. Typical.
15. I'D LIKE TO BE REMEMBERED AS....
a crazy mom/lola with a beautiful family - aaawww!!! that's beautiful :)
I guess I just would like to be remembered fondly.
16. IF A BOOK WAS MADE INTO A MOVIE,WOULD YOU STILL BOTHER TO READ THE BOOK?
of course
17. SPECIALTY IN COOKING?
fried rice. how kulelat. steamed chicken. and russian tea cakes and chocolate crinkles, but I don't make cookies anymore.
18. PRESENT CRUSH?
secret.
19. FAVORITE HANG-OUT?
these days, in front of the computer
20. BEST PLACE TO SHOP?
sigh, you're talking to miss do we have to go shopping?
21. DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH PLAYS?
if they star my favorite performer Waya Gallardo! But I'm wary of those plays they present in UP. Depende talaga.
22. FAVORITE PLACE IN YOUR HOUSE?
it used to be the garden, but I can't hang out there because the latero guys are working on Lucas' car. So, it'll have to be in front of the computer.
23. BEST GIFT YOU'VE RECEIVED?
Lucas' birthday gift that was an electric water heater. So I said to Lucas.
24. WEIRDEST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
a huge teddy bear from an ex after I told him I didn't like how boyfriends give their girlfriends teddy bears. Labo.
25. GIFT THAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE AS OF THIS MOMENT?
zen syrup
26. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST QUALITY OF THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TOYOU?
I took this off the blog of a beautiful, talented friend, who sees life in a most unique way and I wish I could see a little bit of life through her eyes, para shwak.
27. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAILTHIS TO, WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO REPLY?Joelle! - reply naman ako diba. Ayoko magpahiya ng beautiful friend. :) I have no idea if this will catch on from my blog, though.
28. ANONG ORAS NA?:
1:30 pm
29. ANO SA KEYBOARD ANG PARATI MONGNAPIPINDOT
\ because it's right beside enter
30. WHICH DO YOU PREFER;YAHOO OR HOTMAIL:
yahoo
31. LEFT OR RIGHT:
right, but pirouettes on the left, i'm more centered somehow
32. BLACK OR WHITE:
black, but I like white too. Just not together, I guess.
33. BLACK OR BLUE PEN:
Blue
34. SANDALS OR SHOES:
sandals
35. COLGATE OR HAPPEE:
Colgate. Who the fuck would choose happee? - Happee users, I guess, hahaha
36.CHOPSTICKS OR SPOON & FORK?
chopsticks if I'm eating Japanese or Chinese food.
38. ROBOCOP OR RAMBO:
Robocop
39. JOLLIBEE OR MCDO:
Depends on what I feel like eating.
40. COKE OR PEPSI:
Coke!
41. SAN MIG LIGHT, LONE STAR LIGHT OR REDHORSE:
San Mig Light, but I don't drink anymore.
42. HOPE OR CAMEL (na yosi):
Don't smoke. duh. na yosi---what else would it be kaya no? - another trait I love about the person I stole this from :)
43. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO:
It was a family talk - Daddy, Mommy, Jacqui
44. LAST PERSON WHO TEXTED YOU:
secret. (kadiri, hahahahahaha)
45. LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH:
secret uli, hahahahahahaha
46. LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY?
myself, talking to Daddy, but he didn't make me cry, iyakin lang ako.
47. THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED:
Last night.
48. SOMEONE TO BE WITH:
The question doesn't really make sense, but -- point. I'll keep this one to myself, too.
49. YOU SEE ME ALWAYS...
giggling my head off.
50. FAVORITE CHOCOLATEs:
white. I love vanilla. :)
it was good
He parks the car in front of my house. I had spent an unplanned evening with him, most of it happened with his spontaneous suggestions of what to do, where to go, what to talk about. He had manipulated it so that he could take me out, then take me home and not seem the manipulator at all. He was the perfect gentleman, the perfect date, the perfect man. Do you know how you meet someone and feel like you could talk to them forever? I was very afraid of feeling giddy.
He wasn't talking, now, of course. He was staring at me. I was sure I would be melting soon. I remember the first time I had ever seen him in person - standing beside a cooler of ice, looking so tall, noble and dignified that it was impossible not to feel starstruck. That time, he smiled at me, a small serene smile, where his mouth just slightly stretched up, just a bit. But it was his eyes that were really smiling, his eyes that were right now making me melt. I could be unassuming and just check off this night as one of those nice nights of getting to know this cool person, know that we indeed had fun and be glad that I had made a new friend. Of course, I wasn't sure yet that it was just that. I was dying to find out, though.
After a while, when I couldn't stand his staring at me anymore, I look at him full on and dare to ask, "Are you gonna kiss me?"
He breaks into a wide smile and says, "Of course." And I fall.
----------------------------------
I don't want to be angry anymore. I hope he finds what he's looking for.
He wasn't talking, now, of course. He was staring at me. I was sure I would be melting soon. I remember the first time I had ever seen him in person - standing beside a cooler of ice, looking so tall, noble and dignified that it was impossible not to feel starstruck. That time, he smiled at me, a small serene smile, where his mouth just slightly stretched up, just a bit. But it was his eyes that were really smiling, his eyes that were right now making me melt. I could be unassuming and just check off this night as one of those nice nights of getting to know this cool person, know that we indeed had fun and be glad that I had made a new friend. Of course, I wasn't sure yet that it was just that. I was dying to find out, though.
After a while, when I couldn't stand his staring at me anymore, I look at him full on and dare to ask, "Are you gonna kiss me?"
He breaks into a wide smile and says, "Of course." And I fall.
----------------------------------
I don't want to be angry anymore. I hope he finds what he's looking for.
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