love, magic realism style

She understood more than he was capable of saying. She looked at him without fear and asked why he did not have the patch over his eye.

"I don't need it anymore," he said, encouraged. "Now when I close my eyes I see hair like a river of gold."

I'm quite obsessed with the entire being-in-love concept thingy these days. Like I'm reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Of Love and Other Demons and I got to the part where Cayetano Delaura has admitted his love for Sierva Maria to her and he's inflamed because he can't see her anymore and the church has punished him for falling in love with her in the first place, as she's supposed to be possessed by the devil even though it was really just a slight case of rabies and Cayetano is supposed to exorcise the demon.

Soon, it's a regular relationship. He feverishly endures the day, working quickly with scrubbing up the lepers he is bound to as punishment, praying that night will fall early, to sneak into Sierva Maria's cell in the Clarissan abbey she is imprisoned in. She in turn impatiently waits for Cayetano all day, unable to breathe until he arrives. They spend the night in each other's arms, whispering romantic verses to each other in Spanish until they discover kissing and that's all they want to do. They get only around an hour of decent sleep before the sun rises and he has to leave. They do this every day. They also dream of the future, when the Bishop blesses Sierva Maria and declares her as a child of God again and Cayetano will live out his punishment and ask to be transferred to one of those new age parishes where priests can marry and it won't be thought of as strange. Normal stuff People In Love do.

And then the Bishop takes the responsibility of the exorcism upon himself and the pain and terror starts again. At this point, I closed the book and I'm not looking forward to continuing. I know I'll have to, but it just breaks my heart. This doesn't look like those happy ending things. That Gabriel Garcia Marquez sure knows his shit.

Have to admit, it's not a bad way for love to end. I'd rather whatever happens in the last pages of the book than just realizing that being far away from each other too much can really jump up and bite you in the ass. I'd rather whatever happens in the last pages of the book than disenchantment, demystification, falling out of love. Cayetano sees a river of gold when he closes his eyes, for goodness sake. Love rocks.

here with me

You know how a certain song becomes a sign for you in the middle of a troubled relationship, how it seems to come into your life at key moments when you think you should bow out already, how it reminds you of the good things, how it reminds you that you promised that person a few things and you want to hold on to it? And then you see the video of the song come on the TV and all you think is, "Dido has such pretty eye makeup." And only at this realization, that this is all that comes to mind now, do you become really sad. I needed those three years, I guess. No regrets.

damn, Spike is dead

They made it so in Buffy the Vampire Slayer for any girl who could potentially be a vampire slayer to have the power to fight evil, just to give Buffy a break and finally end the series. Ending the series involved killing Anya (she was sliced across the body from shoulder to waist, ouch, it was unbelievable how that happened - I am always stunned whenever they kill off one of the potential slayers, so of course it would be too much for me to see them kill off a character I actually care about), running Sunnydale to the ground till it pretty much doesn't exist anymore, and killing Spike. Yes, folks, they KILLED SPIKE. Damn. That moment where he was dusted/erupted from the heat of the sun was a scene I never thought I'd see and even though I knew it was going to happen (in the current season of Angel, Spike returns from the dead to join the cast), it was too much for me to actually see. But I liked that part where Buffy finally tells him that she loved him. That made up for him dying, I should think. All in all, it was a good ending to one of my favorite shows. *Applause*

woohoo, i'm fabulous!

You're Jai, the Culture Guy!

Which Member of the 'Queer Eye' Fab Five Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm not surprised that I'm Jai, I would be the culture girl in any situation. Then again, the Queer Eye quizzes in Quizilla are mostly giveaways (what are you most interested in? clothes? grooming? culture? interior design? food and wine? Can you be more obvious?), this quiz I took was the least giveaway of the lot. I guess I didn't really need a quiz to tell me that I'm more into culture than grooming, interior design, food and wine, or fashion, especially fashion. Sometimes, I even think that I need a Queer Eye makeover myself.

This will segue into how much I love that show. I love smart fags, I can't help myself. I've even fallen in love with a couple of them on occasion. I can't even choose which one of the fab five I love most. I love Kyan, the grooming guy, basically because he's so beautiful. I love Thom, the interior design guy, because he looks so serious but has the most panalo retorts. I love Ted, the food and wine guy, because he's the least gay-seeming of all of them, but from the way he's such a genius about food and dining, you're sure he has to be gay. I love Carson, the fashion guy and the most fun, because he reminds me of the wonderful mamas in the ballet world. I love Jai because how can you not love a guy who announces, "This is the standard way to enter a dance club..." and then slides in on his knees?

There's a rumor that there might be a Pinoy version of Queer Eye. I think I might gag at that. There are a lot of fun Pinoy queers who may be just as witty and fun as the Fab Five, but it's going to be a very arbitrary process of selection, I believe. I hope they don't make a mess of it.

For Each of You

Be who you are and will be
learn to cherish that boistrous Black Angel that drives you
up one day and down another
protecting the place where your power rises
running like hot blood
from the same source
as your pain.

When you are hungry
learn to eat
whatever sustains you
until morning
but do not be misled by details
simply because you live them.

Do not let your head deny
your hands
any memory of what passes through them
nor your eyes
nor your heart
everything can be useful
except what is wasteful
(you will need
to remember this when you are accused of destruction.)

Even when they are dangerous
examine the heart of those machines you hate
before you discard them
and never mourn the lack of their power
lest you be condemned
to relive them.

If you do not learn to hate
you will never be lonely enough
to love easily
nor will you always be brave
although it does not grow any easier

Do not pretend to convenient beliefs
even when they are righteous
you will never be able to defend your city
while shouting.

Remember our sun
is not the most noteworthy star
only the nearest.

Respect whatever pain you bring back
from your dreaming
but do not look for new gods
in the sea
nor in any part of a rainbow
Each time you love
love as deeply
as if it were forever
only nothing is eternal.

Speak proudly to your children
where ever you may find them
tell them
you are the offspring of slaves
and your mother was
a princess
in darkness.

- Audre Lorde
in From a Land Where Other People Live

I post this poem here because something is happening in the universe and a bunch of friends need to hear sections of this poem - one friend needs the section about hating, another friend needs the section about being hungry, another friend could use the don't look for new god(dese)s in the sea part (then again, why shouldn't he enjoy the new goddess in the sea? I say, go straight to the love as deeply as if it were forever part).

I also post this poem here because I need it myself, I need the part where I must respect whatever pain I brought back from my dreaming. But, like I said, something is happening in the universe. The next time I love, it's going to be as if it were forever. The universe should get ready.