I don't like to believe in Murphy's law, which basically says that if something can go wrong, it will, but there are days that make me a believer. No matter how early I finished my work for the recital, no matter how prepared I am, no matter how organized your schedule is, all it takes is for one lousy tech to screw it up for you and burden both you and your father with unnecessary stress.
The entire show, I was stage managing while offstage, kicking the guy with the headset on stage right because he was falling asleep throughout the show. My dad says maybe CCP is deteriorating and we better get out while we can. He's thinking of having a dinner theater in a hotel ballroom for our 25th anniversary concert. I'm objecting of course, being of the group of snobs who think CCP is the hub of high art, but with stupid techs and their staff that fall asleep on you, it should be very wise to really rethink your options.
My recital went off with nary a glitch, except for that tech and his stupid lighting abiltities. The stage looked way too dark and the colors were all clashing with each other. Watching the video was actually too painful for me, the entire thing could've looked better if it was lit well.
Still I can't discount the fact that based on how happy the kids were after, it was a pretty successful recital.
Jacqui said something that resonated with me. She said that she thinks of her ballet technique as something that steadily progresses and her benchmark for this is her performance during the recital. She learns from her mistakes and works them out so that she won't repeat them the next year. I realize that this is what I do with each recital. I see the things that went wrong as stuff that I can improve the following year. In this case, don't be too complacent when the tech assigned to you mouths off all these impressive theatrical know-how. I have to assume that he doesn't know what he's doing from the onset, it's safer.
My dad has lived his entire life dependent on nobody except himself, his wife and his kids. And even then, he waits around for us to screw up. It's a good understanding of why he's so hard on me, but sometimes, I wish I would trade a Murphy's law extravaganza for a kinder, more soft-spoken dad.
I really have to manage my time more properly in 2005. I have lots of time, but it's just not managed properly. I could do better planning, better working out kinks, better organizing logistics. This isn't just about ballet, it's about my life, and all aspects of it. No more trying to finish sets at 3 in the morning the day before theatre rehearsal, no more freaking out over deadlines for my freelance work that I could have met earlier, no more missing school registration and having to file for LOA, no more missed parties with my friends, no more being too tired to dance.
Hmm, I didn't quite plan for this to come out this way. It's amusing and, I like to think, a gift from the universe. Despite all my dissatisfactions and plans to make things better, I really had a great year. Happy new year, everybody.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
merry christmas everybody!
This is Daniella opening MY gifts at Mamia's last night:
Which is quite alright because now that I'm so old, it's more fun to watch the kids go nuts. I like this picture because it looks like there's a flurry of activity going on, when all it was is Erin beside me moving at the wrong moment.
This is another kid having fun, right outside the Meralco backstage:
Merry Christmas to all!!! And to all a good life!!!
Which is quite alright because now that I'm so old, it's more fun to watch the kids go nuts. I like this picture because it looks like there's a flurry of activity going on, when all it was is Erin beside me moving at the wrong moment.
This is another kid having fun, right outside the Meralco backstage:
Merry Christmas to all!!! And to all a good life!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
the russian tea cakes expert and her slotted spoon
I made Russian Tea Cakes (commonly known as shortbread) today.
I used to make them all the time, but I grew bored of it and stopped. I also used to make chocolate crinkles, which I found worse than boring because I don't even like eating them. People who do eat what I bake assure me that they're good, and these people are people who tell me the truth especially if it hurts (my parents, Jacqui).
Anyway, I waited till I got rid of the flu from hell before baking and that was today. I made two recipes and played around with them because I had forgotten exactly how I used to make them, which meant a lot of new experimentation. The recipe said use an electric mixer. I remember that I never used an electric mixer, and since using the electric mixer meant hauling it out of the drawer and figuring out where to plug it in, I forewent the electric mixer and did it manually. While creaming the butter and sugar together, I then realized why I had to use an electric mixer. (My hands, poor unmuscled things, are so tired that typing this is giving me overfatigue.)
But after a while, I realize it's not that hard and I still would rather mix it manually than deal with the electric mixer. It involves washing the mixer after, much too much to wash compared to the spoon if I do it manually. And it's just too much responsibility for me.
Hahaha.
Anyway, I'm really pleased with myself as my first batch of cookies turned out great. Ms. Impossible-to-Please Jacqui says they're really good and taste better than the ones we recently bought in a store. I'll make some more tomorrow. Gotta spread the good cheer.
I used to make them all the time, but I grew bored of it and stopped. I also used to make chocolate crinkles, which I found worse than boring because I don't even like eating them. People who do eat what I bake assure me that they're good, and these people are people who tell me the truth especially if it hurts (my parents, Jacqui).
Anyway, I waited till I got rid of the flu from hell before baking and that was today. I made two recipes and played around with them because I had forgotten exactly how I used to make them, which meant a lot of new experimentation. The recipe said use an electric mixer. I remember that I never used an electric mixer, and since using the electric mixer meant hauling it out of the drawer and figuring out where to plug it in, I forewent the electric mixer and did it manually. While creaming the butter and sugar together, I then realized why I had to use an electric mixer. (My hands, poor unmuscled things, are so tired that typing this is giving me overfatigue.)
But after a while, I realize it's not that hard and I still would rather mix it manually than deal with the electric mixer. It involves washing the mixer after, much too much to wash compared to the spoon if I do it manually. And it's just too much responsibility for me.
Hahaha.
Anyway, I'm really pleased with myself as my first batch of cookies turned out great. Ms. Impossible-to-Please Jacqui says they're really good and taste better than the ones we recently bought in a store. I'll make some more tomorrow. Gotta spread the good cheer.
Monday, December 20, 2004
shakedown, 2004
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Get flowers onstage that my mother didn't buy for me. Sit through an entire lecture from my father without arguing. Set myself free from men who keep making me wait. Achieve things beyond all known philosophies.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I slightly remember that I was supposed to be wiser about men. I think I can safely say I kept that resolution. I also planned to be wiser with my finances and I better work on that more next year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, though Therese is due anytime soon.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not close, no. But I do remember going to a lot of wakes this year, more than the usual. Are more people dying or am I getting older?
5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in the Philippines. Had a lot to do.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More zen. More patience. More acceptance. Less urges to rise to the bait. More zen.
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Like I said the last time I answered this survey, I'm really bad at dates. So, pass.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The Merry Faces of Spring. And the zen that this realization (that it was a big achievement) brought.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not enrolling for class first sem of the AY 2004-2005 and having to file for leave. That worked out okay, but still, never again.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Early January, I re-twisted my ankle, making me want to hit myself on the head because it was so painful to dance. Other than that, no, I was very healthy despite the scary weight loss. AAAAH!!! Which reminds me, I got very very very sick in March, coming home from Cebu because of food poisoning and I would throw up everything I tried to ingest even days after. If that's not an illness, I don't know what is.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My phone and my laptop.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My mom. For taking certain alarming phone calls with all the dignity and poise that only she can pull off.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Hmmm.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food. I spend too much on food, dammit.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The opportunity to dance again. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
The Purplechickens' Jailbait because I listened to it a lot this year (as their album came out this year and this was their "new song"; they were trying to make me like the other "new song" but I fell in love with Jailbait instead) and Frou Frou's "Breathe In"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much much happier. lots happier. tons happier. extremely.
ii. thinner or fatter? waaaaay thinner. and I didn't think I could get any thinner than I had already but I did.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer. This is what happens when you quit your job for your art.
18. What do you wish you'd done more?
Relaxed.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about a certain 42 year old. He didn't need my worry. And freaking out over the time I thought I had to dance, over the kind of dancing I want to do. In other words, the opposite of my answer to #18.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Giving out gifts to the cousins like I do every year in Mamia's house, eating and eating and eating. I may rehearse for the recital, I feel up to it.
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Yes.
22. How many one-night stands?
None. I doubt I ever will again actually.
23. What was your favourite TV program?
This is the year I discovered Queer Eye! And the year Buffy ended (well, for me.) And the year I rediscovered Angel. Pretty much a good year.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I do. I don't want to but some things cannot be helped. Mostly I try to ignore that I do, I don't really want to go around hating anybody.
25. What was the best book you read?
Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things, Haruki Murukami's Dance Dance Dance and Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Quail Quartet. Kahit walang lecture from Brad.
27. What did you want and get?
Dancing and peace of mind.
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Serious toss up between the Incredibles, White Chicks, Before Sunset and 2046.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a party and the guy I liked at the time was still recovering from a flu but he drove in his motorcycle from an hour away in the rain to wish me happy birthday. I was also very happy to see the other people who turned up too, hehe. I turned 30.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money to spend on stuff other than food.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Vixen-next-door in flipflops. It's been like this most my life, I guess. Once, Waya called what I was wearing "Bohemian chic." That was cute.
32. What kept you sane?
My blogs. (Awwwww...) and the blogs of other people.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Angel Corella! Yes, he did super jete in my life this year, yes he did.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Strangely, the US election got me more agitated than the Philippine election did. I guess because GMA won and Kerry didn't.
35. Who did you miss?
Quincy and Anne.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Oh, this guy. I'd say his name but his friends already think I'm in love with him, hmph.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
The universe never gives up on you, if only you just let a glimmer of hope in.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Hello, goodbye... Yes we're taking calls... what was the question?"
Get flowers onstage that my mother didn't buy for me. Sit through an entire lecture from my father without arguing. Set myself free from men who keep making me wait. Achieve things beyond all known philosophies.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I slightly remember that I was supposed to be wiser about men. I think I can safely say I kept that resolution. I also planned to be wiser with my finances and I better work on that more next year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, though Therese is due anytime soon.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not close, no. But I do remember going to a lot of wakes this year, more than the usual. Are more people dying or am I getting older?
5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in the Philippines. Had a lot to do.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More zen. More patience. More acceptance. Less urges to rise to the bait. More zen.
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Like I said the last time I answered this survey, I'm really bad at dates. So, pass.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The Merry Faces of Spring. And the zen that this realization (that it was a big achievement) brought.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not enrolling for class first sem of the AY 2004-2005 and having to file for leave. That worked out okay, but still, never again.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Early January, I re-twisted my ankle, making me want to hit myself on the head because it was so painful to dance. Other than that, no, I was very healthy despite the scary weight loss. AAAAH!!! Which reminds me, I got very very very sick in March, coming home from Cebu because of food poisoning and I would throw up everything I tried to ingest even days after. If that's not an illness, I don't know what is.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My phone and my laptop.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My mom. For taking certain alarming phone calls with all the dignity and poise that only she can pull off.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Hmmm.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food. I spend too much on food, dammit.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The opportunity to dance again. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
The Purplechickens' Jailbait because I listened to it a lot this year (as their album came out this year and this was their "new song"; they were trying to make me like the other "new song" but I fell in love with Jailbait instead) and Frou Frou's "Breathe In"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much much happier. lots happier. tons happier. extremely.
ii. thinner or fatter? waaaaay thinner. and I didn't think I could get any thinner than I had already but I did.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer. This is what happens when you quit your job for your art.
18. What do you wish you'd done more?
Relaxed.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about a certain 42 year old. He didn't need my worry. And freaking out over the time I thought I had to dance, over the kind of dancing I want to do. In other words, the opposite of my answer to #18.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Giving out gifts to the cousins like I do every year in Mamia's house, eating and eating and eating. I may rehearse for the recital, I feel up to it.
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Yes.
22. How many one-night stands?
None. I doubt I ever will again actually.
23. What was your favourite TV program?
This is the year I discovered Queer Eye! And the year Buffy ended (well, for me.) And the year I rediscovered Angel. Pretty much a good year.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I do. I don't want to but some things cannot be helped. Mostly I try to ignore that I do, I don't really want to go around hating anybody.
25. What was the best book you read?
Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things, Haruki Murukami's Dance Dance Dance and Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Quail Quartet. Kahit walang lecture from Brad.
27. What did you want and get?
Dancing and peace of mind.
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Serious toss up between the Incredibles, White Chicks, Before Sunset and 2046.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a party and the guy I liked at the time was still recovering from a flu but he drove in his motorcycle from an hour away in the rain to wish me happy birthday. I was also very happy to see the other people who turned up too, hehe. I turned 30.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money to spend on stuff other than food.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Vixen-next-door in flipflops. It's been like this most my life, I guess. Once, Waya called what I was wearing "Bohemian chic." That was cute.
32. What kept you sane?
My blogs. (Awwwww...) and the blogs of other people.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Angel Corella! Yes, he did super jete in my life this year, yes he did.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Strangely, the US election got me more agitated than the Philippine election did. I guess because GMA won and Kerry didn't.
35. Who did you miss?
Quincy and Anne.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Oh, this guy. I'd say his name but his friends already think I'm in love with him, hmph.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
The universe never gives up on you, if only you just let a glimmer of hope in.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Hello, goodbye... Yes we're taking calls... what was the question?"
Friday, December 17, 2004
the soundtrack of my life as ballerina
I mixed a CD for myself that I shall call "My Favorite Ballet Music." Actually, it's missing some important bits, such as music from Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet because, well, I don't have music from Romeo and Juliet. And I'm actually glad because I decided to put in only two pieces per ballet and it would be extremely difficult to choose only two pieces from Romeo and Juliet.
This collection is also more than just my favorite ballet music. Most of these, I have danced, and it's hard to quantify whether I loved dancing them because I love the music or I love the music because I love dancing them. I do know that I loved putting it together.
This is what's in it:
01 O Fortuna from Carmina Burana
Carl Orff
I first danced the David Campos Cantero choreography in 1997 (ack, I think) and I am very happy to dance it again each time PBT stages it. I've been promoted in this dance twice, but I still dance Fortuna, and would still want to dance it even if a lot of the other dancers are glad to have "graduated" from it. I don't have the entire score; if I did, I'd include The Merry Faces of Spring in this compilation, since it's my pas de trois and I love it as much as Fortuna.
02 Grand Waltz from Swan Lake
Piotr Ilyitch Tchaikovsky
I actually have never danced this, but it's my favorite Tchaikovsky waltz. I especially like the dynamics and the timpani parts.
03 Pas de Shawl from Cinderella
Sergei Prokofiev
When I did the Filipinized Sinderela for my UP graduation recital, I wished I were not harassed enough to dance so that I could do the Stepsister. I always wanted to be a Stepsister and got my chance when I convinced Daddy to stage Cinderella for the studio. I brought the house down.
04 Journey to the Ball from Cinderella
Prokofiev
This is my absolute favorite piece from the ballet, with the leitmotif at the end of Act 2 as the clock strikes midnight. I got to dance this when we performed the entire Fairies suite in a CCP Outdoor Balletfest and Daddy cast me as Cinderella this time.
05 The Rite of Spring - Part One: The Adoration of the Earth
Igor Stravinsky
This is my favorite Stravinsky. I've never danced this but this was my final paper for Musicology 100, a class I nearly died for taking. But I was able to analyze the music well according to the demands of ballet and actually scored a good grade. I hope to dance or get to choreograph this one day. I'm also very in love with the title.
06 Chinese Tea from The Nutcracker
Tchaikovsky
I've never danced this either. But it's my favorite dance from Baryshnikov's Nutcracker and my favorite cartoon from Fantasia.
07 The Battle of the Nutcracker and the Mouse King
In our last production of the Nutcracker for our school, I was the Mouse King. I had enormous fun. I had also alwaaaays loved the Battle music, and I always loved staging it and watching the kids go nuts.
08 Danse Macabre
Camile Saint-Saens
Daddy choreographed this beautiful piece of music for us when I was a pre-teen. I still remember some of the steps. Mommy was the one who intro'd this music to Daddy; this is how Daddy chooses most of the music he uses. Behind every great man and all that.
09 The Mad Scene from Giselle
Adolphe Adam
In this section, Giselle discovers that the man she loved was in truth a rich aristocrat betrothed to a Duchess. She goes mad and dies of a broken heart. Lucas said watching me dance this made him cry. I want to dance this again, someday.
10 The Black Swan Pas De Deux from Swan Lake
Tchaikovsky
My most favorite pas de deux in the world. I've been told that evil becomes me.
11 The Spell of the Lilac Fairy from The Sleeping Beauty
Princess Aurora pricks her finger and falls asleep for a hundred years. The Lilac Fairy also casts a sleeping spell on the rest of the kingdom. I love that the main theme of this ballet is the Lilac Fairy theme. You can tell, she's Tchaikovsky's favorite character too.
It's a very good reminder that I've had a very good career so far and I should really finally just stop whining about ballet and drowning in self-doubt. It's mighty inspiring.
This collection is also more than just my favorite ballet music. Most of these, I have danced, and it's hard to quantify whether I loved dancing them because I love the music or I love the music because I love dancing them. I do know that I loved putting it together.
This is what's in it:
01 O Fortuna from Carmina Burana
Carl Orff
I first danced the David Campos Cantero choreography in 1997 (ack, I think) and I am very happy to dance it again each time PBT stages it. I've been promoted in this dance twice, but I still dance Fortuna, and would still want to dance it even if a lot of the other dancers are glad to have "graduated" from it. I don't have the entire score; if I did, I'd include The Merry Faces of Spring in this compilation, since it's my pas de trois and I love it as much as Fortuna.
02 Grand Waltz from Swan Lake
Piotr Ilyitch Tchaikovsky
I actually have never danced this, but it's my favorite Tchaikovsky waltz. I especially like the dynamics and the timpani parts.
03 Pas de Shawl from Cinderella
Sergei Prokofiev
When I did the Filipinized Sinderela for my UP graduation recital, I wished I were not harassed enough to dance so that I could do the Stepsister. I always wanted to be a Stepsister and got my chance when I convinced Daddy to stage Cinderella for the studio. I brought the house down.
04 Journey to the Ball from Cinderella
Prokofiev
This is my absolute favorite piece from the ballet, with the leitmotif at the end of Act 2 as the clock strikes midnight. I got to dance this when we performed the entire Fairies suite in a CCP Outdoor Balletfest and Daddy cast me as Cinderella this time.
05 The Rite of Spring - Part One: The Adoration of the Earth
Igor Stravinsky
This is my favorite Stravinsky. I've never danced this but this was my final paper for Musicology 100, a class I nearly died for taking. But I was able to analyze the music well according to the demands of ballet and actually scored a good grade. I hope to dance or get to choreograph this one day. I'm also very in love with the title.
06 Chinese Tea from The Nutcracker
Tchaikovsky
I've never danced this either. But it's my favorite dance from Baryshnikov's Nutcracker and my favorite cartoon from Fantasia.
07 The Battle of the Nutcracker and the Mouse King
In our last production of the Nutcracker for our school, I was the Mouse King. I had enormous fun. I had also alwaaaays loved the Battle music, and I always loved staging it and watching the kids go nuts.
08 Danse Macabre
Camile Saint-Saens
Daddy choreographed this beautiful piece of music for us when I was a pre-teen. I still remember some of the steps. Mommy was the one who intro'd this music to Daddy; this is how Daddy chooses most of the music he uses. Behind every great man and all that.
09 The Mad Scene from Giselle
Adolphe Adam
In this section, Giselle discovers that the man she loved was in truth a rich aristocrat betrothed to a Duchess. She goes mad and dies of a broken heart. Lucas said watching me dance this made him cry. I want to dance this again, someday.
10 The Black Swan Pas De Deux from Swan Lake
Tchaikovsky
My most favorite pas de deux in the world. I've been told that evil becomes me.
11 The Spell of the Lilac Fairy from The Sleeping Beauty
Princess Aurora pricks her finger and falls asleep for a hundred years. The Lilac Fairy also casts a sleeping spell on the rest of the kingdom. I love that the main theme of this ballet is the Lilac Fairy theme. You can tell, she's Tchaikovsky's favorite character too.
It's a very good reminder that I've had a very good career so far and I should really finally just stop whining about ballet and drowning in self-doubt. It's mighty inspiring.
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