falling off the tightrope

Things were going awry. Not major major life-and-death situations. Just really panget stuff that I would probably be able to ignore if I wasn't going to get my period (which I got today). I was starting to hate myself for the person I had become because of ballet. That, by itself, was really ugly, and getting uglier by the minute. I had just gotten my deadly sins down to below negative when recently, I'm scoring high with at least four of them again - envy, pride, wrath and gluttony. Not gluttony for food but for dancing; it was suggested over the weekend that we rest a couple of days from ballet and I freaked out and my parents were wondering what kind of monster I had turned into. And then I have to deal with my envy, pride and wrath.

So I was made to think about whether dancing is the best thing for me right now. And I would get so frustrated thinking about this, like I friggin' left my job for this and it's bad for me? It really wasn't a pretty last three days.

It was the manifestation of the devil's playground.

Since I didn't have ballet to distract me (as in actual dancing) and instead I was sitting at home, reassessing myself as dancer, I started to freak out about other things. This guy I think I would like as a person if he wasn't pursuing me sent me an SMS - one of those really baduy forwards. It's super nothing on a normal day, but it definitely bites when you're about to get your period and, at the same time, you're waiting for this other guy to send you an SMS, saying anything at all, even if it's super baduy. I was about to snap.

I tried confronting that issue and just got more frustrated. Well, actually, I didn't confront it, not really. I fished and he apologized and said he was just really busy. Ho-hum, what else is new? Still, I was very "Oh, don't apologize, you have nothing to apologize for..." And he doesn't know what to say, so he said "God bless..."

Looking back, I may have overreacted to that. It's not a bad thing, being blessed. It was just too formal and I don't want him to be formal. The thing is, he was born with that stick up his ass. So, yes, I overreacted. Between that last text of his and this new realization of mine, I was going nuts thinking and rethinking what he could have meant by that, what did it say about this relationship, or perhaps was this a non-relationship, blah blah blah. I was even thinking of that dork who texted me late the night before and how at least this one sends me a baduy forward about me being in his heart and shouldn't I want to be with someone who wants me there than someone who doesn't think of me at all?

But then, ew. Good that the thought didn't last long.

So, all these emotions were going on and I didn't know how to handle them and I couldn't talk to anybody because it was all just this one big melodrama that nobody should hear, especially when I was eventually going to knock some sense back into my head. Eventually. I'm still kinda waiting for the eventually to actually kick in.

Let me just say, though, in the interest of balance, not everything sucked these last three days. I got separate calls from two companies who owe me money that my checks are ready. Buying new shoes may just be what I need.

are you...

[pikon] very

[maarte] i'm OC about stuff, not necessarily maarte

[pihikan] yes, surprisingly

[malambing] very

[madaldal] haha, ako pa

[traydor] never

[k.j.] no, kaladkarin nga ako

[malandi] only when i have to be

[conservative] feeling ko yes, but people beg to differ

[lakwatsera/ro] i have wanderlust but i don't go out on lakwatsa

[o.a.] hahaha, yes, very o.a.

[blacksheep] all the time

[epal] si ate jacqui to ;P (sorry, private joke)

[papansin] before, it was to the point na ksp ako. try to have 3 exceptional siblings and not be
ksp. but i got over it. i'm very low profile now.

[bulgar magsalita] ay grabe, jacqui has to hold me down and tape my mouth

[pranka] when i'm naiinis, minsan.

[maharot] with sydney, hahahaha

[boring] sometimes. we're not perfect.

[liar] if hindi ako nagui-guilty, pwede

[faithful] ay, don't talk to me...

[palamura] my mouth should be washed with soap

[madalas mag self-pity] oh wow, that's me! especially today

[smoker] no

[lasengga/go] well, once you pop, you can't stop... i don't go drinking often though.

[weird] i nearly won "weirdest" in high school; kids can be so cruel, no?

[sexy] ay grabe, napaka ;P

[crush ng bayan] hindi naman ng bayan. but i do attract foreigners, teenagers and 4 year old
boys

[friendly] when i'm in the mood

[walang taste] sabi ni lucas wala, hahahahaha

[walang originality] i'm a diamond in the ruff

[mayabang] of course i am, jacinto ako eh

[antukin] at the inappropriate momemts. that's why coffee is my best friend

[lakas trip] all the time. vinnie used to ask me, "what are you on?"

[mababaw ang luha] recently, yes. i figured, it's better to just let go.

[love your neighbors] hindi eh

[sumbungan ng friends] ng siblings. i will always be on their side no matter what, and i know for
a fact that they will always be on mine.

[may prat] hahahaha prat!!!!

[tried vandalism] maybe once in high school. not too interested.

[late] i hate to be late but it happens. i don't like people waiting for me. my last few weeks of work, i was always late though.

[dork] i'm sure i have my moments.

[explorer] always. except pag madilim.

[always hungry] ay grabe, that's so me.

[lazy] for most things except ballet kasi nerd ako

[loveless] i will always have love in my heart :)

[talino] ahem.

[inggitera] hahaha, napaka

[gastadora] only on my siblings

[kuripot] no, si jacqui yon

[sabik] bastos

[tapos na] ay salamat

I snagged that from Friendster. I really don't feel Friendster anymore. Actually, today, I don't feel like blogging, either. I'm really feeling blah and I guess my recent blog drama is preventing me from writing about it. It's really not worthy of a post, it's just a weird, pervasive icky feeling. Please note though that my use of the word "pervasive" shows that I still have a sense of humor. I'll be okay.

balance

A few weeks ago, I was having coffee with some of the dancers and we were talking about other dancers and how this one girl was strong but lacked musicality, from when she started out all the way to when she was dancing big parts. I pointed out that she was really tenacious and that should make up for her non-musicality; I said it like, "Okay lang yon, masipag naman siya." I wanted to pursue this thought with this realization about Cogie Domingo I had while watching Lagot Ka, Isusumbong Kita that despite being in award-winning films, he has no comedic timing at all. But it's alright, because he's so darn cute. I was like, "Okay lang yon, nakakalaglag panty naman siya." Since he does loosen my garters better than any iron can though, I went on and on about Cogie, never mind if I had a point. But I did have a point and since I wasn't able to make my point then (Cogie kasi eh), I'll state it now. My point is balance.

I'm really digging balance these days. It's not the kind of balance where I'm thinking, "It's okay if I don't have a boyfriend as long as my professional career is good..." (vullshiz) or "It's okay I'm not that pretty as long as I'm smart..." (which in effect means if you're pretty, you can't be smart; something that really irked me about the person who said this). That's not the kind of balance I mean; my take on balance is broader.

Like the dancer we were talking about, I have a few problems of my own: I'm small, I'm not turned out, I may not have star quality (as it would seem from the people in power). But I work hard and darnit I'm good. And I'm musical. And maybe they'll realize that I can come close to star quality when they realize I jump higher and can do that closing to passe thing from pirouette en attitude en dedans. Great dancing is always equal to star quality anyday.

Whenever I come across anyone who seems perfect, my thought is always "You gotta have a flaw." And there's nothing wrong with that, nobody's perfect. It depends on the flaw, I guess. Like I can live with Caloy's flaws, otherwise I wouldn't be waiting for him still, don't ya think? Although I'm all for balance in the universe, one of my biggest flaws is I can't stand that I'm flawed at all. I hate that I can be such a bitch, I hate that I'm so full of myself, I hate that I always want everything perfect. Then again, what's so bad about wanting to be perfect? Then again...

Balance also figures in what happens to us. I spent a long time away from ballet and having a life (an actual life, can you believe?), so I shouldn't feel bad about going back to dance and starting from zero again. I was also trying to balance all the bad things I feel about dancing against what I feel when I'm actually dancing and the latter will always cancel out the former, no matter how bad it gets, so there's a good balance there.

A friend of mine recently got really ill and was even in the ICU for a while. I remember this one time I happened upon her on the train after an eternity of not seeing her, hearing from her, or even hearing about her. On that train ride, she told me how sad she was about her life and how everything she did seemed like it had no purpose. I don't think I was any help talking to her as I didn't have anything really comforting to say, but later on (as in months and months later), she tells me how that one conversation changed her spirits. I remember that what that conversation thing did was make me worry that I don't see my friends enough. Meanwhile, it's equally balanced for her in that though we never see each other, that one time that we do is like this huge catalyst of some sort and she will always be grateful to me for it (and it kills me that I don't remember anything I contributed to that, meaning she just needed to let it all out).

Anyway, I haven't been able to visit her or anything because the schedule is just so wrong. My other friends have all been to see her and I start feeling bad for her when they tell me how she lives like John Travolta in The Boy In The Bubble and she'll probably be in this kind of limbo for a long time. And then they tell me Tony Leung wrote to her. Long story short, she was part of his fan club and she wrote him a letter that so caught his attention that he wrote her back, making personal touches and everything. And I thought, again, balance. Limbo suddenly didn't look so bad from where I sat. I hope to see her soon.

You're One Hundred Years of Solitude!
by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Lonely and struggling, you've been around for a very long time. Conflict has filled most of your life and torn apart nearly everyone you know. Yet there is something majestic and even epic about your presence in the world. You love life all the more for having seen its decimation. After all, it takes a village.

Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

I found this quiz from my college org's mailing list, quite apt as we were a literature org. I always thought I was magic realism, somehow. I'm not sure if I AM One Hundred Years of Solitude but I do have to agree that things have to take a bad turn before I see the value in what I have. And, of course, there's something nice about being "majestic."

Goddam those half-Japanese girls...

I just had a pictorial and I thought I was ugly in all the pictures taken. What happened to me; is it age? I used to think I was pretty photogenic. Well, I don't even think I'm pretty anymore, actually. Or was I ever to begin with? Don't mind me, I'm everyday looking for new stuff to obsess over. But can I just say that I worry because I felt the exact same way (unphotogenic, fat and ugly) in the last pictorial?

The highlight of the day was putting on the kimono for the first time. I'm sure it's not a real kimono, a costume equivalent. But wow, it rocked. I think I'm so ready to be a geisha so much that when they were thinking of poses for us to do, every pose I hit was like "Yes, Joelle!" My only problem was the hooks in the back of my costume, in the neck, getting caught in my hair. Minor glitch though.

I love Japanese things. Especially recently. I'm walking around in my tights and my thong sandals and even if my tights are convertible (there's a hole at the soles of my feet so that they can be footless if I want them to be), I wear my tights footed so that I have that stockinged chinelas Japanese look.

Sometimes, I think Japanese things are only fun to the non-Japanese. Lotsa times, it doesn't seem like they enjoy anything. I heard they're really shy, that it's imbibed in their culture or something. Which explains that, and explains why the un-shy Japanese are usually the strange freaks like the Crazy 88s in Kill Bill. But what do I really know about how the Japanese think?

A couple weeks ago, I finished reading Haruki Murakami's Dance Dance Dance. It's quirkily strange - I really didn't understand some of what happens; well, mostly why some of the stuff happens. It doesn't end quite the way normal books/TV shows/movies do - the weird stuff doesn't really get explained, nor do the things that don't make sense find their way to making sense in the end. Perhaps that was the point, but while I respect this turn of events I still kinda felt that turning the dark hotel floor incident into a dream was a cop-out. You kinda think, maybe the important thing was the main character finally did get to screw that pretty receptionist with the glasses.

Other than that, I like Haruki Murakami. My favorite parts are when his protagonist is hanging out with the kid, Yuki. I read their conversations and I'm awed at how they talk - do the Japanese really talk that way? I want to say I love his use of the language, but I wonder if that's him or the work of his translator. I wondered the same thing reading Banana Yoshimoto and Yukio Mishima. Almost makes me want to learn Japanese. Almost.

Of course, not everything is turning Japanese, at least I don't think so. It only seems like it because I'm more aware of anything Japanese, now that I'm getting into character. I'm quite worried about any faux Orientalism we don't even know we're guilty of (as was the case with my graduation recital), so I'm always looking at anything Japanese for clues. Hence this fixation. Well, I'm guessing. I only made that up just now. But since we're buying into that, I admit I have leftover issues about how I did my recital. I mean, the research I did was mostly going to the arcade and watching Japanese video games.

My graduation recital (which is the equivalent of a thesis in my college, except we dance majors were required to write a thesis and stage a recital to get our bachelor's degree) was a modern version of Cinderella, set in the Philippines. Cinderella's stepsisters are Japayuki and she wants to be one also, so her Fairy Godmother dresses her up and sends her to Japan. She becomes the girlfriend of Boss Charming, a Yakuza, who passes her off to the other blackies (picked that up from Murakami) and since she's thinking, hey I went here to sing, dance and find a boyfriend and not to whore myself, they kill her. Even if the panel gave me a 1.0, I feel like if I had more time and more freedom with it, I would have made it less problematic. At the time, I was just following the libretto given to me and I didn't put up much fight then because all I wanted to do was finish my recital on time. My choreography and staging was pretty good but now I wish I had seen Kill Bill or read Murakami before I did the recital, I would have made it more Japanese. Or more respectful of the Japanese, anyway.

I do accept that I'll never pass as a Japanese. Even in my kimono and my heavy, extended eyeliner, I look Filipino. Or maybe Thai. Or Vietnamese. In a kimono and heavy eyeliner and very unphotogenic.