balance

A few weeks ago, I was having coffee with some of the dancers and we were talking about other dancers and how this one girl was strong but lacked musicality, from when she started out all the way to when she was dancing big parts. I pointed out that she was really tenacious and that should make up for her non-musicality; I said it like, "Okay lang yon, masipag naman siya." I wanted to pursue this thought with this realization about Cogie Domingo I had while watching Lagot Ka, Isusumbong Kita that despite being in award-winning films, he has no comedic timing at all. But it's alright, because he's so darn cute. I was like, "Okay lang yon, nakakalaglag panty naman siya." Since he does loosen my garters better than any iron can though, I went on and on about Cogie, never mind if I had a point. But I did have a point and since I wasn't able to make my point then (Cogie kasi eh), I'll state it now. My point is balance.

I'm really digging balance these days. It's not the kind of balance where I'm thinking, "It's okay if I don't have a boyfriend as long as my professional career is good..." (vullshiz) or "It's okay I'm not that pretty as long as I'm smart..." (which in effect means if you're pretty, you can't be smart; something that really irked me about the person who said this). That's not the kind of balance I mean; my take on balance is broader.

Like the dancer we were talking about, I have a few problems of my own: I'm small, I'm not turned out, I may not have star quality (as it would seem from the people in power). But I work hard and darnit I'm good. And I'm musical. And maybe they'll realize that I can come close to star quality when they realize I jump higher and can do that closing to passe thing from pirouette en attitude en dedans. Great dancing is always equal to star quality anyday.

Whenever I come across anyone who seems perfect, my thought is always "You gotta have a flaw." And there's nothing wrong with that, nobody's perfect. It depends on the flaw, I guess. Like I can live with Caloy's flaws, otherwise I wouldn't be waiting for him still, don't ya think? Although I'm all for balance in the universe, one of my biggest flaws is I can't stand that I'm flawed at all. I hate that I can be such a bitch, I hate that I'm so full of myself, I hate that I always want everything perfect. Then again, what's so bad about wanting to be perfect? Then again...

Balance also figures in what happens to us. I spent a long time away from ballet and having a life (an actual life, can you believe?), so I shouldn't feel bad about going back to dance and starting from zero again. I was also trying to balance all the bad things I feel about dancing against what I feel when I'm actually dancing and the latter will always cancel out the former, no matter how bad it gets, so there's a good balance there.

A friend of mine recently got really ill and was even in the ICU for a while. I remember this one time I happened upon her on the train after an eternity of not seeing her, hearing from her, or even hearing about her. On that train ride, she told me how sad she was about her life and how everything she did seemed like it had no purpose. I don't think I was any help talking to her as I didn't have anything really comforting to say, but later on (as in months and months later), she tells me how that one conversation changed her spirits. I remember that what that conversation thing did was make me worry that I don't see my friends enough. Meanwhile, it's equally balanced for her in that though we never see each other, that one time that we do is like this huge catalyst of some sort and she will always be grateful to me for it (and it kills me that I don't remember anything I contributed to that, meaning she just needed to let it all out).

Anyway, I haven't been able to visit her or anything because the schedule is just so wrong. My other friends have all been to see her and I start feeling bad for her when they tell me how she lives like John Travolta in The Boy In The Bubble and she'll probably be in this kind of limbo for a long time. And then they tell me Tony Leung wrote to her. Long story short, she was part of his fan club and she wrote him a letter that so caught his attention that he wrote her back, making personal touches and everything. And I thought, again, balance. Limbo suddenly didn't look so bad from where I sat. I hope to see her soon.