falling off the tightrope

Things were going awry. Not major major life-and-death situations. Just really panget stuff that I would probably be able to ignore if I wasn't going to get my period (which I got today). I was starting to hate myself for the person I had become because of ballet. That, by itself, was really ugly, and getting uglier by the minute. I had just gotten my deadly sins down to below negative when recently, I'm scoring high with at least four of them again - envy, pride, wrath and gluttony. Not gluttony for food but for dancing; it was suggested over the weekend that we rest a couple of days from ballet and I freaked out and my parents were wondering what kind of monster I had turned into. And then I have to deal with my envy, pride and wrath.

So I was made to think about whether dancing is the best thing for me right now. And I would get so frustrated thinking about this, like I friggin' left my job for this and it's bad for me? It really wasn't a pretty last three days.

It was the manifestation of the devil's playground.

Since I didn't have ballet to distract me (as in actual dancing) and instead I was sitting at home, reassessing myself as dancer, I started to freak out about other things. This guy I think I would like as a person if he wasn't pursuing me sent me an SMS - one of those really baduy forwards. It's super nothing on a normal day, but it definitely bites when you're about to get your period and, at the same time, you're waiting for this other guy to send you an SMS, saying anything at all, even if it's super baduy. I was about to snap.

I tried confronting that issue and just got more frustrated. Well, actually, I didn't confront it, not really. I fished and he apologized and said he was just really busy. Ho-hum, what else is new? Still, I was very "Oh, don't apologize, you have nothing to apologize for..." And he doesn't know what to say, so he said "God bless..."

Looking back, I may have overreacted to that. It's not a bad thing, being blessed. It was just too formal and I don't want him to be formal. The thing is, he was born with that stick up his ass. So, yes, I overreacted. Between that last text of his and this new realization of mine, I was going nuts thinking and rethinking what he could have meant by that, what did it say about this relationship, or perhaps was this a non-relationship, blah blah blah. I was even thinking of that dork who texted me late the night before and how at least this one sends me a baduy forward about me being in his heart and shouldn't I want to be with someone who wants me there than someone who doesn't think of me at all?

But then, ew. Good that the thought didn't last long.

So, all these emotions were going on and I didn't know how to handle them and I couldn't talk to anybody because it was all just this one big melodrama that nobody should hear, especially when I was eventually going to knock some sense back into my head. Eventually. I'm still kinda waiting for the eventually to actually kick in.

Let me just say, though, in the interest of balance, not everything sucked these last three days. I got separate calls from two companies who owe me money that my checks are ready. Buying new shoes may just be what I need.