my future flashing before my eyes

This week at home (or as my sister says, at our summer house) has been very relaxing and somewhat productive.  The word "leisurely" comes to mind.  I realized today that this is what my mom does all day.  She lounges around at home.  At particular points in the day, she cooks meals, she cleans parts of the house, she watches TV, she takes naps.  Especially now that Daddy went to the states to visit our brother, she relaxes more than she normally does, which isn't really such a far stretch from normal. 

Now, compare to me.  This week, I wake up without fail at lunchtime, watch TV, watch videos of ballets, rearrange my room, do my laundry and pack the clothes I'm bringing to Manda next week, read the two books I'm currently reading, go online to kill my blog and build a new one, go to sleep at around three or four in the morning and do everything over (except for the laundry part, that only took two days).  Sometimes, I wake up at 5 or 6 to use my free internet hours (my prepaid connection has this promo that gives me free internet from 3 to 7am, whee) and since I'm still sleepy at 7 and 8 in the morning, I go to sleep to be roused at 12 for lunch. 

What a life.

Productivity has been hounding me all week.  I have to be productive, I have to be productive, I keep telling myself.  It's a new mantra.  That's why I watch videos, it's like homework.  Sort of.  I have put writing my thesis on hold and watching ballet videos is a feeble attempt to get back to work.  All I do is watch, though.  I form ideas in my head while watching, but it's mostly a confusing mass in my brain that refuses to make sense, so I'm not really getting anywhere. 

Watching ballet videos is also my preparing for the weekend.  Like my mom, who is right now sewing a uniform for a new girl who enrolled last week.  My dad will be gone two weeks or so and in his absence, I'm calling all the shots in the studio.  I'm supposed to try to start weaving the dances together for the full length ballet we're putting out as our recital this December and I can actually say I'm ready. 

I don't think I'm used to the non-hectic lifestyle.  It's going to be super different when we go back to work next week, but this thought has actually reiterated how this must be how life would be like if ever I do get married and move to the universe of leisurely lifestyles.  I haven't given this possible marriage thing much thought in the past months, but taking a dry run of a possible reality really makes you think. 

I've also let that thought enter my head because I have been reading my old blog archives (no, I did not delete them, I just made them inaccessible to the public).  I started, well, from the start.  At that start, I explain why I started my blog - to make sense of my life and to keep me from going nuts about getting married and moving to that different universe.  Although it was driving me nuts, it seems like it was easier then than it is now to confront that entire marriage issue.  The question I was asking then had become monstrously humongous now: What will I do there all day?

It's the sense of purpose.  Without ballet class and rehearsals, I sought productivity like the holy grail.  I found a substitute sense of purpose with my VCR and VCD player, my dearly departed blog and this brand new replacement, laundry and dishwashing, the books I'm currently reading.  And today, I looked at my mom and wondered how she can be so peacefully happy with her life, without the same sense of purpose that I so obviously burn for.

Yesterday, we took our mom out to see Kill Bill vol 2.  It was the perfect movie to take her to because no way was she going to be able to see it in a moviehouse unless Dad was otherwise indisposed (and in this case, he so conveniently was).  Dad walked out on the video of Kill Bill vol 1 and when you ask him why, he'll say, "Saan ka nakakita ng may cartoons pa?" or "Isang daang Yakuza, natalo niya?  Kalokohan."  Sometimes, he'll say both. 

The highlight of the movie for me (besides the training with Pai Mai) was the Bride discovering her daughter was alive.  She basically tells Bill she may always be a killer, but everything changes when you have a child.  Even the thought of having the child changes everything.  After the movie, we walked home and Ma made us dinner.  Today, after diligently waking me up at noon, she asks me, "What time did you sleep last night?"  I told her around 3, then added that I woke at 6 and thought, Hey, I have free internet hours!  This made her laugh and she asked me if I wanted some coffee. 

I watched her grind the beans and saw it: a sense of purpose.  She was only grinding beans to make coffee for her daughter, but when you think about it, it had as much purpose as the Bride did when she killed Vernita Green, O-Ren Ishii, Elle Driver and Bill.  Then I thought, leaving this universe for the next one doesn't seem all that bad.

Of course, time has yet to tell whether I am or not.  Either way, I don't think I'm getting such a bum deal.  Either way.  I'm very zen.