It's not like I don't know wrong from right

I need help. Seriously.

Someone asked me once what my vice was, drinking, smoking, drugs? I shook my head and nonchalantly replied, "Boys." I could still be considered an ingenue at the time so it did come out funny when I said it. Most recently, a different group of friends were talking about drinking, getting drunk, the taste of liquor and asked me if I liked to drink. I shook my head no and said, "But I like little boys..." Now, it's still funny, in fact it's funnier because I'm presenting myself as the older, insatiable woman of the world. Sometimes I wonder if it's funny only because I fit the mold. And sometimes I should stop saying that, which I say so automatically and don't even mean anymore, because it's becoming less and less funny as the events in my life unfold.

What I hate about little boys is they don't know what they want. They have a girlfriend and yet they can't keep their hands off you. They have a girlfriend and get extremely jealous when you fawn over another boy in a store display window. They have a girlfriend and give you the silent treatment when somebody more important to you is mentioned. They have a girlfriend but they've got their arm around you as you walk through a noisy mall and everybody who sees the two of you would think that you're together. You ask about the girlfriend and he replies very straightforwardly before nuzzling your ear.

What I hate about myself is, while I very diplomatically push him away and he very diplomatically lets me, I find myself gravitating towards him anyway and he puts his arm around me again. I still contend that I do not really like this guy that way or want to have anything to do with him, more than a friendship and a good pas de deux partnership.

I seriously, seriously need help.