I don't like to believe in Murphy's law, which basically says that if something can go wrong, it will, but there are days that make me a believer. No matter how early I finished my work for the recital, no matter how prepared I am, no matter how organized your schedule is, all it takes is for one lousy tech to screw it up for you and burden both you and your father with unnecessary stress.
The entire show, I was stage managing while offstage, kicking the guy with the headset on stage right because he was falling asleep throughout the show. My dad says maybe CCP is deteriorating and we better get out while we can. He's thinking of having a dinner theater in a hotel ballroom for our 25th anniversary concert. I'm objecting of course, being of the group of snobs who think CCP is the hub of high art, but with stupid techs and their staff that fall asleep on you, it should be very wise to really rethink your options.
My recital went off with nary a glitch, except for that tech and his stupid lighting abiltities. The stage looked way too dark and the colors were all clashing with each other. Watching the video was actually too painful for me, the entire thing could've looked better if it was lit well.
Still I can't discount the fact that based on how happy the kids were after, it was a pretty successful recital.
Jacqui said something that resonated with me. She said that she thinks of her ballet technique as something that steadily progresses and her benchmark for this is her performance during the recital. She learns from her mistakes and works them out so that she won't repeat them the next year. I realize that this is what I do with each recital. I see the things that went wrong as stuff that I can improve the following year. In this case, don't be too complacent when the tech assigned to you mouths off all these impressive theatrical know-how. I have to assume that he doesn't know what he's doing from the onset, it's safer.
My dad has lived his entire life dependent on nobody except himself, his wife and his kids. And even then, he waits around for us to screw up. It's a good understanding of why he's so hard on me, but sometimes, I wish I would trade a Murphy's law extravaganza for a kinder, more soft-spoken dad.
I really have to manage my time more properly in 2005. I have lots of time, but it's just not managed properly. I could do better planning, better working out kinks, better organizing logistics. This isn't just about ballet, it's about my life, and all aspects of it. No more trying to finish sets at 3 in the morning the day before theatre rehearsal, no more freaking out over deadlines for my freelance work that I could have met earlier, no more missing school registration and having to file for LOA, no more missed parties with my friends, no more being too tired to dance.
Hmm, I didn't quite plan for this to come out this way. It's amusing and, I like to think, a gift from the universe. Despite all my dissatisfactions and plans to make things better, I really had a great year. Happy new year, everybody.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
merry christmas everybody!
This is Daniella opening MY gifts at Mamia's last night:
Which is quite alright because now that I'm so old, it's more fun to watch the kids go nuts. I like this picture because it looks like there's a flurry of activity going on, when all it was is Erin beside me moving at the wrong moment.
This is another kid having fun, right outside the Meralco backstage:
Merry Christmas to all!!! And to all a good life!!!
Which is quite alright because now that I'm so old, it's more fun to watch the kids go nuts. I like this picture because it looks like there's a flurry of activity going on, when all it was is Erin beside me moving at the wrong moment.
This is another kid having fun, right outside the Meralco backstage:
Merry Christmas to all!!! And to all a good life!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
the russian tea cakes expert and her slotted spoon
I made Russian Tea Cakes (commonly known as shortbread) today.
I used to make them all the time, but I grew bored of it and stopped. I also used to make chocolate crinkles, which I found worse than boring because I don't even like eating them. People who do eat what I bake assure me that they're good, and these people are people who tell me the truth especially if it hurts (my parents, Jacqui).
Anyway, I waited till I got rid of the flu from hell before baking and that was today. I made two recipes and played around with them because I had forgotten exactly how I used to make them, which meant a lot of new experimentation. The recipe said use an electric mixer. I remember that I never used an electric mixer, and since using the electric mixer meant hauling it out of the drawer and figuring out where to plug it in, I forewent the electric mixer and did it manually. While creaming the butter and sugar together, I then realized why I had to use an electric mixer. (My hands, poor unmuscled things, are so tired that typing this is giving me overfatigue.)
But after a while, I realize it's not that hard and I still would rather mix it manually than deal with the electric mixer. It involves washing the mixer after, much too much to wash compared to the spoon if I do it manually. And it's just too much responsibility for me.
Hahaha.
Anyway, I'm really pleased with myself as my first batch of cookies turned out great. Ms. Impossible-to-Please Jacqui says they're really good and taste better than the ones we recently bought in a store. I'll make some more tomorrow. Gotta spread the good cheer.
I used to make them all the time, but I grew bored of it and stopped. I also used to make chocolate crinkles, which I found worse than boring because I don't even like eating them. People who do eat what I bake assure me that they're good, and these people are people who tell me the truth especially if it hurts (my parents, Jacqui).
Anyway, I waited till I got rid of the flu from hell before baking and that was today. I made two recipes and played around with them because I had forgotten exactly how I used to make them, which meant a lot of new experimentation. The recipe said use an electric mixer. I remember that I never used an electric mixer, and since using the electric mixer meant hauling it out of the drawer and figuring out where to plug it in, I forewent the electric mixer and did it manually. While creaming the butter and sugar together, I then realized why I had to use an electric mixer. (My hands, poor unmuscled things, are so tired that typing this is giving me overfatigue.)
But after a while, I realize it's not that hard and I still would rather mix it manually than deal with the electric mixer. It involves washing the mixer after, much too much to wash compared to the spoon if I do it manually. And it's just too much responsibility for me.
Hahaha.
Anyway, I'm really pleased with myself as my first batch of cookies turned out great. Ms. Impossible-to-Please Jacqui says they're really good and taste better than the ones we recently bought in a store. I'll make some more tomorrow. Gotta spread the good cheer.
Monday, December 20, 2004
shakedown, 2004
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Get flowers onstage that my mother didn't buy for me. Sit through an entire lecture from my father without arguing. Set myself free from men who keep making me wait. Achieve things beyond all known philosophies.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I slightly remember that I was supposed to be wiser about men. I think I can safely say I kept that resolution. I also planned to be wiser with my finances and I better work on that more next year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, though Therese is due anytime soon.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not close, no. But I do remember going to a lot of wakes this year, more than the usual. Are more people dying or am I getting older?
5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in the Philippines. Had a lot to do.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More zen. More patience. More acceptance. Less urges to rise to the bait. More zen.
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Like I said the last time I answered this survey, I'm really bad at dates. So, pass.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The Merry Faces of Spring. And the zen that this realization (that it was a big achievement) brought.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not enrolling for class first sem of the AY 2004-2005 and having to file for leave. That worked out okay, but still, never again.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Early January, I re-twisted my ankle, making me want to hit myself on the head because it was so painful to dance. Other than that, no, I was very healthy despite the scary weight loss. AAAAH!!! Which reminds me, I got very very very sick in March, coming home from Cebu because of food poisoning and I would throw up everything I tried to ingest even days after. If that's not an illness, I don't know what is.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My phone and my laptop.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My mom. For taking certain alarming phone calls with all the dignity and poise that only she can pull off.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Hmmm.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food. I spend too much on food, dammit.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The opportunity to dance again. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
The Purplechickens' Jailbait because I listened to it a lot this year (as their album came out this year and this was their "new song"; they were trying to make me like the other "new song" but I fell in love with Jailbait instead) and Frou Frou's "Breathe In"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much much happier. lots happier. tons happier. extremely.
ii. thinner or fatter? waaaaay thinner. and I didn't think I could get any thinner than I had already but I did.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer. This is what happens when you quit your job for your art.
18. What do you wish you'd done more?
Relaxed.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about a certain 42 year old. He didn't need my worry. And freaking out over the time I thought I had to dance, over the kind of dancing I want to do. In other words, the opposite of my answer to #18.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Giving out gifts to the cousins like I do every year in Mamia's house, eating and eating and eating. I may rehearse for the recital, I feel up to it.
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Yes.
22. How many one-night stands?
None. I doubt I ever will again actually.
23. What was your favourite TV program?
This is the year I discovered Queer Eye! And the year Buffy ended (well, for me.) And the year I rediscovered Angel. Pretty much a good year.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I do. I don't want to but some things cannot be helped. Mostly I try to ignore that I do, I don't really want to go around hating anybody.
25. What was the best book you read?
Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things, Haruki Murukami's Dance Dance Dance and Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Quail Quartet. Kahit walang lecture from Brad.
27. What did you want and get?
Dancing and peace of mind.
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Serious toss up between the Incredibles, White Chicks, Before Sunset and 2046.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a party and the guy I liked at the time was still recovering from a flu but he drove in his motorcycle from an hour away in the rain to wish me happy birthday. I was also very happy to see the other people who turned up too, hehe. I turned 30.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money to spend on stuff other than food.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Vixen-next-door in flipflops. It's been like this most my life, I guess. Once, Waya called what I was wearing "Bohemian chic." That was cute.
32. What kept you sane?
My blogs. (Awwwww...) and the blogs of other people.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Angel Corella! Yes, he did super jete in my life this year, yes he did.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Strangely, the US election got me more agitated than the Philippine election did. I guess because GMA won and Kerry didn't.
35. Who did you miss?
Quincy and Anne.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Oh, this guy. I'd say his name but his friends already think I'm in love with him, hmph.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
The universe never gives up on you, if only you just let a glimmer of hope in.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Hello, goodbye... Yes we're taking calls... what was the question?"
Get flowers onstage that my mother didn't buy for me. Sit through an entire lecture from my father without arguing. Set myself free from men who keep making me wait. Achieve things beyond all known philosophies.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I slightly remember that I was supposed to be wiser about men. I think I can safely say I kept that resolution. I also planned to be wiser with my finances and I better work on that more next year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, though Therese is due anytime soon.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not close, no. But I do remember going to a lot of wakes this year, more than the usual. Are more people dying or am I getting older?
5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in the Philippines. Had a lot to do.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More zen. More patience. More acceptance. Less urges to rise to the bait. More zen.
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Like I said the last time I answered this survey, I'm really bad at dates. So, pass.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The Merry Faces of Spring. And the zen that this realization (that it was a big achievement) brought.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not enrolling for class first sem of the AY 2004-2005 and having to file for leave. That worked out okay, but still, never again.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Early January, I re-twisted my ankle, making me want to hit myself on the head because it was so painful to dance. Other than that, no, I was very healthy despite the scary weight loss. AAAAH!!! Which reminds me, I got very very very sick in March, coming home from Cebu because of food poisoning and I would throw up everything I tried to ingest even days after. If that's not an illness, I don't know what is.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My phone and my laptop.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My mom. For taking certain alarming phone calls with all the dignity and poise that only she can pull off.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Hmmm.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food. I spend too much on food, dammit.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The opportunity to dance again. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
The Purplechickens' Jailbait because I listened to it a lot this year (as their album came out this year and this was their "new song"; they were trying to make me like the other "new song" but I fell in love with Jailbait instead) and Frou Frou's "Breathe In"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much much happier. lots happier. tons happier. extremely.
ii. thinner or fatter? waaaaay thinner. and I didn't think I could get any thinner than I had already but I did.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer. This is what happens when you quit your job for your art.
18. What do you wish you'd done more?
Relaxed.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about a certain 42 year old. He didn't need my worry. And freaking out over the time I thought I had to dance, over the kind of dancing I want to do. In other words, the opposite of my answer to #18.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Giving out gifts to the cousins like I do every year in Mamia's house, eating and eating and eating. I may rehearse for the recital, I feel up to it.
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Yes.
22. How many one-night stands?
None. I doubt I ever will again actually.
23. What was your favourite TV program?
This is the year I discovered Queer Eye! And the year Buffy ended (well, for me.) And the year I rediscovered Angel. Pretty much a good year.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I do. I don't want to but some things cannot be helped. Mostly I try to ignore that I do, I don't really want to go around hating anybody.
25. What was the best book you read?
Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things, Haruki Murukami's Dance Dance Dance and Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Quail Quartet. Kahit walang lecture from Brad.
27. What did you want and get?
Dancing and peace of mind.
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Serious toss up between the Incredibles, White Chicks, Before Sunset and 2046.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a party and the guy I liked at the time was still recovering from a flu but he drove in his motorcycle from an hour away in the rain to wish me happy birthday. I was also very happy to see the other people who turned up too, hehe. I turned 30.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money to spend on stuff other than food.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Vixen-next-door in flipflops. It's been like this most my life, I guess. Once, Waya called what I was wearing "Bohemian chic." That was cute.
32. What kept you sane?
My blogs. (Awwwww...) and the blogs of other people.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Angel Corella! Yes, he did super jete in my life this year, yes he did.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Strangely, the US election got me more agitated than the Philippine election did. I guess because GMA won and Kerry didn't.
35. Who did you miss?
Quincy and Anne.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Oh, this guy. I'd say his name but his friends already think I'm in love with him, hmph.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
The universe never gives up on you, if only you just let a glimmer of hope in.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Hello, goodbye... Yes we're taking calls... what was the question?"
Friday, December 17, 2004
the soundtrack of my life as ballerina
I mixed a CD for myself that I shall call "My Favorite Ballet Music." Actually, it's missing some important bits, such as music from Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet because, well, I don't have music from Romeo and Juliet. And I'm actually glad because I decided to put in only two pieces per ballet and it would be extremely difficult to choose only two pieces from Romeo and Juliet.
This collection is also more than just my favorite ballet music. Most of these, I have danced, and it's hard to quantify whether I loved dancing them because I love the music or I love the music because I love dancing them. I do know that I loved putting it together.
This is what's in it:
01 O Fortuna from Carmina Burana
Carl Orff
I first danced the David Campos Cantero choreography in 1997 (ack, I think) and I am very happy to dance it again each time PBT stages it. I've been promoted in this dance twice, but I still dance Fortuna, and would still want to dance it even if a lot of the other dancers are glad to have "graduated" from it. I don't have the entire score; if I did, I'd include The Merry Faces of Spring in this compilation, since it's my pas de trois and I love it as much as Fortuna.
02 Grand Waltz from Swan Lake
Piotr Ilyitch Tchaikovsky
I actually have never danced this, but it's my favorite Tchaikovsky waltz. I especially like the dynamics and the timpani parts.
03 Pas de Shawl from Cinderella
Sergei Prokofiev
When I did the Filipinized Sinderela for my UP graduation recital, I wished I were not harassed enough to dance so that I could do the Stepsister. I always wanted to be a Stepsister and got my chance when I convinced Daddy to stage Cinderella for the studio. I brought the house down.
04 Journey to the Ball from Cinderella
Prokofiev
This is my absolute favorite piece from the ballet, with the leitmotif at the end of Act 2 as the clock strikes midnight. I got to dance this when we performed the entire Fairies suite in a CCP Outdoor Balletfest and Daddy cast me as Cinderella this time.
05 The Rite of Spring - Part One: The Adoration of the Earth
Igor Stravinsky
This is my favorite Stravinsky. I've never danced this but this was my final paper for Musicology 100, a class I nearly died for taking. But I was able to analyze the music well according to the demands of ballet and actually scored a good grade. I hope to dance or get to choreograph this one day. I'm also very in love with the title.
06 Chinese Tea from The Nutcracker
Tchaikovsky
I've never danced this either. But it's my favorite dance from Baryshnikov's Nutcracker and my favorite cartoon from Fantasia.
07 The Battle of the Nutcracker and the Mouse King
In our last production of the Nutcracker for our school, I was the Mouse King. I had enormous fun. I had also alwaaaays loved the Battle music, and I always loved staging it and watching the kids go nuts.
08 Danse Macabre
Camile Saint-Saens
Daddy choreographed this beautiful piece of music for us when I was a pre-teen. I still remember some of the steps. Mommy was the one who intro'd this music to Daddy; this is how Daddy chooses most of the music he uses. Behind every great man and all that.
09 The Mad Scene from Giselle
Adolphe Adam
In this section, Giselle discovers that the man she loved was in truth a rich aristocrat betrothed to a Duchess. She goes mad and dies of a broken heart. Lucas said watching me dance this made him cry. I want to dance this again, someday.
10 The Black Swan Pas De Deux from Swan Lake
Tchaikovsky
My most favorite pas de deux in the world. I've been told that evil becomes me.
11 The Spell of the Lilac Fairy from The Sleeping Beauty
Princess Aurora pricks her finger and falls asleep for a hundred years. The Lilac Fairy also casts a sleeping spell on the rest of the kingdom. I love that the main theme of this ballet is the Lilac Fairy theme. You can tell, she's Tchaikovsky's favorite character too.
It's a very good reminder that I've had a very good career so far and I should really finally just stop whining about ballet and drowning in self-doubt. It's mighty inspiring.
This collection is also more than just my favorite ballet music. Most of these, I have danced, and it's hard to quantify whether I loved dancing them because I love the music or I love the music because I love dancing them. I do know that I loved putting it together.
This is what's in it:
01 O Fortuna from Carmina Burana
Carl Orff
I first danced the David Campos Cantero choreography in 1997 (ack, I think) and I am very happy to dance it again each time PBT stages it. I've been promoted in this dance twice, but I still dance Fortuna, and would still want to dance it even if a lot of the other dancers are glad to have "graduated" from it. I don't have the entire score; if I did, I'd include The Merry Faces of Spring in this compilation, since it's my pas de trois and I love it as much as Fortuna.
02 Grand Waltz from Swan Lake
Piotr Ilyitch Tchaikovsky
I actually have never danced this, but it's my favorite Tchaikovsky waltz. I especially like the dynamics and the timpani parts.
03 Pas de Shawl from Cinderella
Sergei Prokofiev
When I did the Filipinized Sinderela for my UP graduation recital, I wished I were not harassed enough to dance so that I could do the Stepsister. I always wanted to be a Stepsister and got my chance when I convinced Daddy to stage Cinderella for the studio. I brought the house down.
04 Journey to the Ball from Cinderella
Prokofiev
This is my absolute favorite piece from the ballet, with the leitmotif at the end of Act 2 as the clock strikes midnight. I got to dance this when we performed the entire Fairies suite in a CCP Outdoor Balletfest and Daddy cast me as Cinderella this time.
05 The Rite of Spring - Part One: The Adoration of the Earth
Igor Stravinsky
This is my favorite Stravinsky. I've never danced this but this was my final paper for Musicology 100, a class I nearly died for taking. But I was able to analyze the music well according to the demands of ballet and actually scored a good grade. I hope to dance or get to choreograph this one day. I'm also very in love with the title.
06 Chinese Tea from The Nutcracker
Tchaikovsky
I've never danced this either. But it's my favorite dance from Baryshnikov's Nutcracker and my favorite cartoon from Fantasia.
07 The Battle of the Nutcracker and the Mouse King
In our last production of the Nutcracker for our school, I was the Mouse King. I had enormous fun. I had also alwaaaays loved the Battle music, and I always loved staging it and watching the kids go nuts.
08 Danse Macabre
Camile Saint-Saens
Daddy choreographed this beautiful piece of music for us when I was a pre-teen. I still remember some of the steps. Mommy was the one who intro'd this music to Daddy; this is how Daddy chooses most of the music he uses. Behind every great man and all that.
09 The Mad Scene from Giselle
Adolphe Adam
In this section, Giselle discovers that the man she loved was in truth a rich aristocrat betrothed to a Duchess. She goes mad and dies of a broken heart. Lucas said watching me dance this made him cry. I want to dance this again, someday.
10 The Black Swan Pas De Deux from Swan Lake
Tchaikovsky
My most favorite pas de deux in the world. I've been told that evil becomes me.
11 The Spell of the Lilac Fairy from The Sleeping Beauty
Princess Aurora pricks her finger and falls asleep for a hundred years. The Lilac Fairy also casts a sleeping spell on the rest of the kingdom. I love that the main theme of this ballet is the Lilac Fairy theme. You can tell, she's Tchaikovsky's favorite character too.
It's a very good reminder that I've had a very good career so far and I should really finally just stop whining about ballet and drowning in self-doubt. It's mighty inspiring.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
happy birthday, Caramel Appleby
I bought a birthday gift for my supergodchild today. It's her birthday on Saturday, she's turning three years old and she has conversations with people where she actually completes her sentences. I got her a big Incredibles pillow and purple slippers with Elastigirl on them; I actually wanted to give her more stuff but I was not satisfied by the selection on hand. Will get better Christmas gift, mental note. I had the entire package wrapped at the giftwrapping section in Robinson's Galleria.
It's so funny, that small area. It's the busiest area in the store and there are only six people working it. They all look like they'd rather be somewhere else. I don't understand why, I love wrapping gifts. The only reason why I didn't wrap this one is I didn't have time to. But I like wrapping and folding and taping and admiring my work. Or is that just me? I was thinking if I ever needed to take a menial minimum wage job, whether here or in some foreign country, wrapping gifts would be on top of my list.
There are a lot of things I do well that I hardly do anymore. Like baking. I can make really good chocolate crinkles. Which explains why I hate eating them (some people, like me, get sick of what they're baking/cooking while they're baking/cooking them and get too umay to eat them when they're done. I think it has something to do with the constant exposure to the smell, which is why I can't stand the smell and taste of dark chocolate. Ah, cést la vie). I was thinking I should try rediscovering things that I like doing and I'm good at instead of worrying about things that I can't control. And I heard from other friends, who had recently discovered baking, that it can be quite therapeutic. And since it's Christmas season, I have places for my baked goods to go, instead of my belly.
Not that I would eat them in the first place. Me, Ms Salty Girl, who needs to be guilt-tripped to eat her mother's apple pie and chocolate cake.
Anyway, I bought my supergodchild her birthday gift and I wasn't able to watch her open it because I am coming down with a flu or something and don't want her to catch my germs. She looked so happy to see me, then so disappointed to see me leave that I wanted to cry. On my way home, Appleby texted me that the precious tore into my gift and loves them so much that even if the Elastigirls slippers were a size too big, she put them on and clomped around the house.
I wish I had seen that. Aaaaaah, I miss my Caramel!
I miss her mother too. I'm going to kill this virus and plan the best Ninang day ever.
It's so funny, that small area. It's the busiest area in the store and there are only six people working it. They all look like they'd rather be somewhere else. I don't understand why, I love wrapping gifts. The only reason why I didn't wrap this one is I didn't have time to. But I like wrapping and folding and taping and admiring my work. Or is that just me? I was thinking if I ever needed to take a menial minimum wage job, whether here or in some foreign country, wrapping gifts would be on top of my list.
There are a lot of things I do well that I hardly do anymore. Like baking. I can make really good chocolate crinkles. Which explains why I hate eating them (some people, like me, get sick of what they're baking/cooking while they're baking/cooking them and get too umay to eat them when they're done. I think it has something to do with the constant exposure to the smell, which is why I can't stand the smell and taste of dark chocolate. Ah, cést la vie). I was thinking I should try rediscovering things that I like doing and I'm good at instead of worrying about things that I can't control. And I heard from other friends, who had recently discovered baking, that it can be quite therapeutic. And since it's Christmas season, I have places for my baked goods to go, instead of my belly.
Not that I would eat them in the first place. Me, Ms Salty Girl, who needs to be guilt-tripped to eat her mother's apple pie and chocolate cake.
Anyway, I bought my supergodchild her birthday gift and I wasn't able to watch her open it because I am coming down with a flu or something and don't want her to catch my germs. She looked so happy to see me, then so disappointed to see me leave that I wanted to cry. On my way home, Appleby texted me that the precious tore into my gift and loves them so much that even if the Elastigirls slippers were a size too big, she put them on and clomped around the house.
I wish I had seen that. Aaaaaah, I miss my Caramel!
I miss her mother too. I'm going to kill this virus and plan the best Ninang day ever.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
payday
Yes, today is payday, but this is not about money, it is more a look at what has happened to all my angst of the last few months. Well, some of my angst, I realize I have way too much angst. Moving along.
Pictures from the last production arrived the other day. They were taken during the Sunday matinee, our last show. I was very happy with the shots of me. Let me enumerate:
(yes, if I could live my life by enumeration, I would. and if I could write my novel by enumeration, I would too. It sits in my offline journal, with all the events outlined, just waiting for me to get my groove on)
1. It validates my dancing and hard work. I am very worried about pictures of me dancing because more often than not, it calls me on my technique. Photographs capture things that you might miss from watching the movement - a leg not turned out enough, a mispointed foot, looking down, mostly bad technique. It is evidence, and very telling evidence.
These shots didn't display any bad technique that I would be worried about. It in fact showed really good technique as my lines were all clean and beautiful and I had to look again to check if some of the shots really were me. (Then again, who else had a yellow costume?) I usually don't get copies of the pictures made, but now I think I have to.
2. It's evidence that I had done important dancing. I know, I know, I've done important dancing before this. But strangely, if you do not hit the big time with at least one of the three major companies, you don't go down in ballet history and what good is that? (of course, that's merely perception, I'm just arguing that since I had the idea of writing the history of ballet in the Philippines, an idea I've since thrown away because of all the intrigue that I would be burying myself into).
Anyway, I didn't even realize until the night of the show that I was the second lead in this ballet and seeing the pictures reminds me of this. In fact, as Lucas pointed out, it would even seem that I had a bigger role than I did because my costume made me stand out more than the lead. Making me grateful for number one because I would totally be embarrassed to be standing out while having pictures of me in ugly technique. It just says, I deserve this. Yes, I'm very very grateful.
3. It reiterates that I have nothing to feel bad for. If someone did go and write that history of ballet in the Philippines, I probably won't get my name mentioned. I'm thinking it's not at all important. As well as a lot of my angst the past year.
I am thirty years old. Ballet was my life for a very long time but, at 23, I had left ballet for a different life, one for which I'm grateful for living because if I had stayed in ballet, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. In many ways, I knew it was good that I went back to ballet when I did, old as I am. But looking at my contemporaries who did continue dancing when I had left, well, they're either mommies and/or teaching in a ballet school and/or teaching pilates. I am so glad that it's not an option for me, that it's not my only three options. I can do so much more, whether I had continued with ballet or not.
And being in ballet this late in the game is not so bad. In the last production I was in, I was the second lead and many people enjoyed watching me dance. More importantly, I enjoyed dancing.
Fast forward to the next show. We're doing a short version of The Nutcracker, a ballet I had restaged three times in its entirety. I was the Sugar Plum Fairy for two out of three stagings for my dad's school. In this production of my ballet company, I am a Flute (in the baddest choreography I have ever seen, tsk tsk Gelsey, what were you thinking?) and one of the corps in the Waltz of the Flowers. In the olden days, I would feel bad about that. I was the second lead in the last production and a member of the corps in the next? Ah, my pride would be go nuts.
I realize that I don't care. And I like this realization. I hate dancing the Reed Flutes dance because the choreography sucks. I like dancing the Waltz of the Flowers better because it has more interesting steps. I'm happier dancing it.
I guess I don't feel like I was demoted because I was placed in the Waltz to fill up an empty space. And I think I'm always top of mind for the corps because it gets organized easier if I'm in it, since I work them hard because I don't like being in an ugly dance and I make sure the people I dance with look good. It's become a function of mine over the last two years, and now, I don't mind. I used to, but I was a different, more shallow person then.
I'm realizing that I have less doubt about what I can do as a dancer. I used to worry all the time about being too old and running out of time. I now believe I have all the time in the world and nothing to prove. I dance fabulously and although that's just my opinion, it's a very important opinion. Actually the most important. And I am happy.
Who was it that said, "Everything you need comes to you at the right time"? Props, dude, props.
-----
a note from the ditz: it's ellipsis not ellipse. ... oooh, is that blood falling from my ear?
Pictures from the last production arrived the other day. They were taken during the Sunday matinee, our last show. I was very happy with the shots of me. Let me enumerate:
(yes, if I could live my life by enumeration, I would. and if I could write my novel by enumeration, I would too. It sits in my offline journal, with all the events outlined, just waiting for me to get my groove on)
1. It validates my dancing and hard work. I am very worried about pictures of me dancing because more often than not, it calls me on my technique. Photographs capture things that you might miss from watching the movement - a leg not turned out enough, a mispointed foot, looking down, mostly bad technique. It is evidence, and very telling evidence.
These shots didn't display any bad technique that I would be worried about. It in fact showed really good technique as my lines were all clean and beautiful and I had to look again to check if some of the shots really were me. (Then again, who else had a yellow costume?) I usually don't get copies of the pictures made, but now I think I have to.
2. It's evidence that I had done important dancing. I know, I know, I've done important dancing before this. But strangely, if you do not hit the big time with at least one of the three major companies, you don't go down in ballet history and what good is that? (of course, that's merely perception, I'm just arguing that since I had the idea of writing the history of ballet in the Philippines, an idea I've since thrown away because of all the intrigue that I would be burying myself into).
Anyway, I didn't even realize until the night of the show that I was the second lead in this ballet and seeing the pictures reminds me of this. In fact, as Lucas pointed out, it would even seem that I had a bigger role than I did because my costume made me stand out more than the lead. Making me grateful for number one because I would totally be embarrassed to be standing out while having pictures of me in ugly technique. It just says, I deserve this. Yes, I'm very very grateful.
3. It reiterates that I have nothing to feel bad for. If someone did go and write that history of ballet in the Philippines, I probably won't get my name mentioned. I'm thinking it's not at all important. As well as a lot of my angst the past year.
I am thirty years old. Ballet was my life for a very long time but, at 23, I had left ballet for a different life, one for which I'm grateful for living because if I had stayed in ballet, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. In many ways, I knew it was good that I went back to ballet when I did, old as I am. But looking at my contemporaries who did continue dancing when I had left, well, they're either mommies and/or teaching in a ballet school and/or teaching pilates. I am so glad that it's not an option for me, that it's not my only three options. I can do so much more, whether I had continued with ballet or not.
And being in ballet this late in the game is not so bad. In the last production I was in, I was the second lead and many people enjoyed watching me dance. More importantly, I enjoyed dancing.
Fast forward to the next show. We're doing a short version of The Nutcracker, a ballet I had restaged three times in its entirety. I was the Sugar Plum Fairy for two out of three stagings for my dad's school. In this production of my ballet company, I am a Flute (in the baddest choreography I have ever seen, tsk tsk Gelsey, what were you thinking?) and one of the corps in the Waltz of the Flowers. In the olden days, I would feel bad about that. I was the second lead in the last production and a member of the corps in the next? Ah, my pride would be go nuts.
I realize that I don't care. And I like this realization. I hate dancing the Reed Flutes dance because the choreography sucks. I like dancing the Waltz of the Flowers better because it has more interesting steps. I'm happier dancing it.
I guess I don't feel like I was demoted because I was placed in the Waltz to fill up an empty space. And I think I'm always top of mind for the corps because it gets organized easier if I'm in it, since I work them hard because I don't like being in an ugly dance and I make sure the people I dance with look good. It's become a function of mine over the last two years, and now, I don't mind. I used to, but I was a different, more shallow person then.
I'm realizing that I have less doubt about what I can do as a dancer. I used to worry all the time about being too old and running out of time. I now believe I have all the time in the world and nothing to prove. I dance fabulously and although that's just my opinion, it's a very important opinion. Actually the most important. And I am happy.
Who was it that said, "Everything you need comes to you at the right time"? Props, dude, props.
-----
a note from the ditz: it's ellipsis not ellipse. ... oooh, is that blood falling from my ear?
Monday, December 13, 2004
pretty ditzes all in a row
I'm having lunch with Waya and Lala, two of my favorite friends. They discover that Waya didn't know that an umlaut is what an umlaut is called while Lala didn't know that dot dot dot is called an ellipse. While they discover this, I say stuff like, "Yeah, the two dots over the letter..." and "Yep, that's what it's officially called..." So Lala says we now have to think of a word that they both know and I don't know. I sit there and smile, probably looking all "But, duh, I don't think there are any words I don't know." To which Waya complains, "But you're supposed to be the ditz here!"
Like it's hard?
Like it's hard?
more zen, you can almost swim in it
I'm not mad at my Research professor anymore.
No, she did not suddenly have a change of heart and fell in love with my thesis topic. I merely sat in my class and listened to her and found myself agreeing with most of the things she discussed.
This is another thing that bugged me last week: I agree with her on everything she says in class except for what she had to say about my thesis proposal. It got me eventually thinking, was I just being too defensive about what she said, being too overprotective over something I was obsessed with the last half year? It could very well be that.
With that in mind, I went back to class today and since we weren't discussing my thesis, I found myself agreeing with her again. And today, she talked about positions. She says it's very important to be clear on your position, so that you can defend it well. And she also said that other people may question what you want to do, but as long as you know what you want to do, what other people want you to do becomes less important. My eyes were super going wide at this point.
She then relates a story that happened to her recently. She's writing this paper and her old college prof told her, "Nobody's interested in that topic!" And her inner reaction was to laugh and think "Maybe not to you, but it's interesting to me and it will be interesting to other people." This was because her prof was looking at the Music aspect while my prof was more interested in the Philippine Studies aspect. Funny how the universe operates.
My current topic -- Performing the Pas De Deux: Translations of Ballet in Philippine Dance -- is still interesting to me. I'm in fact falling in love with it more and more. I'm keeping it awhile.
No, she did not suddenly have a change of heart and fell in love with my thesis topic. I merely sat in my class and listened to her and found myself agreeing with most of the things she discussed.
This is another thing that bugged me last week: I agree with her on everything she says in class except for what she had to say about my thesis proposal. It got me eventually thinking, was I just being too defensive about what she said, being too overprotective over something I was obsessed with the last half year? It could very well be that.
With that in mind, I went back to class today and since we weren't discussing my thesis, I found myself agreeing with her again. And today, she talked about positions. She says it's very important to be clear on your position, so that you can defend it well. And she also said that other people may question what you want to do, but as long as you know what you want to do, what other people want you to do becomes less important. My eyes were super going wide at this point.
She then relates a story that happened to her recently. She's writing this paper and her old college prof told her, "Nobody's interested in that topic!" And her inner reaction was to laugh and think "Maybe not to you, but it's interesting to me and it will be interesting to other people." This was because her prof was looking at the Music aspect while my prof was more interested in the Philippine Studies aspect. Funny how the universe operates.
My current topic -- Performing the Pas De Deux: Translations of Ballet in Philippine Dance -- is still interesting to me. I'm in fact falling in love with it more and more. I'm keeping it awhile.
Friday, December 10, 2004
queen of zen
I am a lot better now. I am not in a rush to go out and prove myself and join the wonderful world of academic scholarliness in the name of dance for the following reasons:
1. No one is holding a gun to my head.
2. I checked out the application for grants at the NCCA and found that it was better if you had a recommendation from an institution that backed your project. I figured I could finish my thesis, never mind what my research prof says, and then ask for the NCCA's help in publishing it once it's been given a high grade. No need to stress over it now and by then I would have proved myself. Or not. I also figured that it doesn't really matter because these academic people don't really exist in the outside world, where I've been living for the past few years and no amount of approval from them will change the way people view ballet in this country anyway.
3. I cleaned my entire bathroom with Domex and the scrubbing is very therapeutic. I have then decided it is a more important goal to get my banyo shining bright enough for us to need shades to use it than to publish a book that surveys the history of ballet in the Philippines.
4. I've decided that if I ever want to teach in UP it will be because I would think it would be fun, not to get into the thick of getting an important paper approved by the academe I'd be working for.
5. I'm writing my book and Maria has way bigger problems than me, so why am I stressing? I want to finish writing this book before I start serious work on my thesis and I realize that it's a long way from now and I rejoice.
6. I am very good at the things I do and many people appreciate them. So what if I may never finish this fricking thesis? I am useful to other people, as they remind me everyday and every midday. I am very lucky.
7. Perhaps my prof is right in implying that the local ballet world doesn't deserve such a study. Har.
1. No one is holding a gun to my head.
2. I checked out the application for grants at the NCCA and found that it was better if you had a recommendation from an institution that backed your project. I figured I could finish my thesis, never mind what my research prof says, and then ask for the NCCA's help in publishing it once it's been given a high grade. No need to stress over it now and by then I would have proved myself. Or not. I also figured that it doesn't really matter because these academic people don't really exist in the outside world, where I've been living for the past few years and no amount of approval from them will change the way people view ballet in this country anyway.
3. I cleaned my entire bathroom with Domex and the scrubbing is very therapeutic. I have then decided it is a more important goal to get my banyo shining bright enough for us to need shades to use it than to publish a book that surveys the history of ballet in the Philippines.
4. I've decided that if I ever want to teach in UP it will be because I would think it would be fun, not to get into the thick of getting an important paper approved by the academe I'd be working for.
5. I'm writing my book and Maria has way bigger problems than me, so why am I stressing? I want to finish writing this book before I start serious work on my thesis and I realize that it's a long way from now and I rejoice.
6. I am very good at the things I do and many people appreciate them. So what if I may never finish this fricking thesis? I am useful to other people, as they remind me everyday and every midday. I am very lucky.
7. Perhaps my prof is right in implying that the local ballet world doesn't deserve such a study. Har.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
...and suddenly I found how wonderful a sound can beeeeee...
I was working on my book and fleshed out Maria - I gave her a talented singing voice, songwriting skills, just the right amount of flamboyance and an artistic eye.
This is where she may depart from Waya. I originally wanted her to plan to put together a multi-media one woman show about life, love and women. Based on what Waya wanted to do, once upon a time (do you remember wanting to do this, Way?). Anyway, since Waya did want to do something like that, I thought it might be too weird that my story would be not a creative making of my imagination, and just a mirror of Waya's life and what kind of sick, crazy person am I to plagiarize my friend's life and pass it off as fiction. So scratch that. I hope that Waya does end up doing that multi-media one woman show, though. I still believe it rocks.
So I took the entire theatre persona off Maria and wondered what to do with her. She has to find a way to move on from her cheating boyfriend dying of SARS and has to immerse herself in something. I didn't want it to be singing right away, as music was very close to her life with Jaime, so it has to be something else. It got me thinking, if I were a rockstar girlfriend, what kind of skills would I have? (Op, walang hihirit ng di kanais nais, baka mabatukan ko kayo...)
I realize that I took a lot of photographs of my rockstars, and therefore decided that Maria should be skilled at this as well. I figure this is a good idea as the chronology of my story was starting to take shape. And then I realize that I was turning Maria into Lala. Sort of.
I still want Maria to be more Waya. Not exactly Waya, but I want to be reminded of her more than anybody else. Another problem I have with that is Maria is angsting a whole lot in this book and while I want Maria to be more Waya, I don't want people to be reading this book and assuming that Waya is also a loopy, angry, unreasonable wreck. So, I'm leaning towards veering away from Maria as Waya. Ah, decisions, decisions.
I guess I can just do whatever is necessary to Maria and hope that if ever this gets made into a movie like I originally planned, Waya will star in it and will be as brilliant as I know she would be.
I have to go out and study female lead singers of bands more. Something may be totally out of whack here, that I don't realize. And I thought writing this book was going to be easy. Grr.
On a related note, I decided to nix the idea of posting my chapters on LJ or anywhere online. But you'll be hearing from me soon.
This is where she may depart from Waya. I originally wanted her to plan to put together a multi-media one woman show about life, love and women. Based on what Waya wanted to do, once upon a time (do you remember wanting to do this, Way?). Anyway, since Waya did want to do something like that, I thought it might be too weird that my story would be not a creative making of my imagination, and just a mirror of Waya's life and what kind of sick, crazy person am I to plagiarize my friend's life and pass it off as fiction. So scratch that. I hope that Waya does end up doing that multi-media one woman show, though. I still believe it rocks.
So I took the entire theatre persona off Maria and wondered what to do with her. She has to find a way to move on from her cheating boyfriend dying of SARS and has to immerse herself in something. I didn't want it to be singing right away, as music was very close to her life with Jaime, so it has to be something else. It got me thinking, if I were a rockstar girlfriend, what kind of skills would I have? (Op, walang hihirit ng di kanais nais, baka mabatukan ko kayo...)
I realize that I took a lot of photographs of my rockstars, and therefore decided that Maria should be skilled at this as well. I figure this is a good idea as the chronology of my story was starting to take shape. And then I realize that I was turning Maria into Lala. Sort of.
I still want Maria to be more Waya. Not exactly Waya, but I want to be reminded of her more than anybody else. Another problem I have with that is Maria is angsting a whole lot in this book and while I want Maria to be more Waya, I don't want people to be reading this book and assuming that Waya is also a loopy, angry, unreasonable wreck. So, I'm leaning towards veering away from Maria as Waya. Ah, decisions, decisions.
I guess I can just do whatever is necessary to Maria and hope that if ever this gets made into a movie like I originally planned, Waya will star in it and will be as brilliant as I know she would be.
I have to go out and study female lead singers of bands more. Something may be totally out of whack here, that I don't realize. And I thought writing this book was going to be easy. Grr.
On a related note, I decided to nix the idea of posting my chapters on LJ or anywhere online. But you'll be hearing from me soon.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
rabid winter of discontent stuff
I had a rehearsal I didn't enjoy today. Before you, my beautiful protective well-meaning friends, start going "Why are you still dancing if it's just giving you so much grief," let me explain.
I've been feeling very blah lately. I know it's hormonal but I keep asking myself what am I doing, what do I want to do? Recent dramas between myself and my father had been forcing issues about why I'm the only one teaching ballet class and my feeling of inadequacy because nothing I do seems to satisfy him. He points out that he's very hard on me so that, in the future, when I take over the school, I'll be okay.
Ah, the future. Thanks to Daddy, it has become the Concern of the Moment.
And then that thing with my Research prof came up. Because of her little speech, I start to feel inadequate about myself, as if my entire lifetime I did not train to dance ballet, to teach ballet, to restage ballet, to analyze ballet, to criticize ballet, to understand ballet. Beyond feeling inadequate, it's also feeling guilty that I had been trained to do all that and I have nothing to show for, except my undergrad thesis which doesn't count, as implied by my professor who wrote her entire PhD dissertation in Tagalog, top that. Which is why I feel it is my duty to uplift ballet to a higher status in this country. Because I'm the only one who can (among the other dance majors I went to school with, I mean). And, apparently, if I don't do so, nobody else will.
Which brings us to today. Like I said, I was trained to be the all around ballet expert. And yet, when I go to my ballet company to dance, I am just a dancer. I know how to construct entire ballets and teach them to six years olds to perform onstage, forgive me if I get pissed off at bunglers whose idea of teaching a dance is talking amongst themselves what the steps are, marking them and expecting you to get everything from that.
But I am not anybody in this ballet company. I am just a dancer.
I look at my life and think, what had become of "the smartest dance major" after she had gone to join the real world? I know that it's just major PMS, but I never imagined that I would end up an inconsequential back up dancer, a graduate student who's in denial that she's in over her head, a teacher dreading the day she'll "take over."
I know it will all work out eventually, some way or other. I hope I never have to feel this badly about a rehearsal again.
I've been feeling very blah lately. I know it's hormonal but I keep asking myself what am I doing, what do I want to do? Recent dramas between myself and my father had been forcing issues about why I'm the only one teaching ballet class and my feeling of inadequacy because nothing I do seems to satisfy him. He points out that he's very hard on me so that, in the future, when I take over the school, I'll be okay.
Ah, the future. Thanks to Daddy, it has become the Concern of the Moment.
And then that thing with my Research prof came up. Because of her little speech, I start to feel inadequate about myself, as if my entire lifetime I did not train to dance ballet, to teach ballet, to restage ballet, to analyze ballet, to criticize ballet, to understand ballet. Beyond feeling inadequate, it's also feeling guilty that I had been trained to do all that and I have nothing to show for, except my undergrad thesis which doesn't count, as implied by my professor who wrote her entire PhD dissertation in Tagalog, top that. Which is why I feel it is my duty to uplift ballet to a higher status in this country. Because I'm the only one who can (among the other dance majors I went to school with, I mean). And, apparently, if I don't do so, nobody else will.
Which brings us to today. Like I said, I was trained to be the all around ballet expert. And yet, when I go to my ballet company to dance, I am just a dancer. I know how to construct entire ballets and teach them to six years olds to perform onstage, forgive me if I get pissed off at bunglers whose idea of teaching a dance is talking amongst themselves what the steps are, marking them and expecting you to get everything from that.
But I am not anybody in this ballet company. I am just a dancer.
I look at my life and think, what had become of "the smartest dance major" after she had gone to join the real world? I know that it's just major PMS, but I never imagined that I would end up an inconsequential back up dancer, a graduate student who's in denial that she's in over her head, a teacher dreading the day she'll "take over."
I know it will all work out eventually, some way or other. I hope I never have to feel this badly about a rehearsal again.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
"on this page, you'll see a little girl giggling at a hippopotamus..."
I put Frou Frou on the CD player today and two songs into the CD, Jacqui asks me, "What's this you're listening to?" "Frou Frou," I reply. "She's French." Jacqui nods. After the third song, I said, "You want to listen to something?" She doesn't say anything. After the fourth song, the music turns into Incubus.
This reminds me of the Veto in Empire Records. If you haven't seen the movie, they're a bunch of kids who work in a record store and they get to practice their Veto: if someone in the store plays music that even one of them can't stand, they sound off an alarm (a police siren complete with lights) that stops the music and opens the CD player so that you can change the CD. In the movie, it was usually Mark (Ethan Embry) who got vetoed because his death metal grated on everybody else. High Fidelity the movie reminds me of the Veto in Empire Records as well.
Anyway, my sister has recently been falling in love with music that I had been in love with for a long time, music that she had been ignoring while I listen to them, music that she only discovers on her own when I have started to listen to other stuff. This includes, chronologically, Incubus' S.C.I.E.N.C.E., the song "Night and Day," and Alice Peacock's album. Now, she listens to these like she had discovered them by herself and I had no idea what they were about. I doubt she'll ever feel the same way about Frou Frou, but then she always surprises me.
Sisters. You can't live without them and you can't stuff them back into your mother.
This reminds me of the Veto in Empire Records. If you haven't seen the movie, they're a bunch of kids who work in a record store and they get to practice their Veto: if someone in the store plays music that even one of them can't stand, they sound off an alarm (a police siren complete with lights) that stops the music and opens the CD player so that you can change the CD. In the movie, it was usually Mark (Ethan Embry) who got vetoed because his death metal grated on everybody else. High Fidelity the movie reminds me of the Veto in Empire Records as well.
Anyway, my sister has recently been falling in love with music that I had been in love with for a long time, music that she had been ignoring while I listen to them, music that she only discovers on her own when I have started to listen to other stuff. This includes, chronologically, Incubus' S.C.I.E.N.C.E., the song "Night and Day," and Alice Peacock's album. Now, she listens to these like she had discovered them by herself and I had no idea what they were about. I doubt she'll ever feel the same way about Frou Frou, but then she always surprises me.
Sisters. You can't live without them and you can't stuff them back into your mother.
something bigger than me (there are lots)
I went to my Research class today. It filled my head with lots of thoughts, most disturbingly that there's a lot of things to do with regards to schorlarly studies in the Philippines in ballet and it feels like that it's my responsibility to amend that.
Okay, why me? Sure, when I was a dance major in UP, I really did believe I could make ballet something in this country, elevate its status as a respected art form. But I did not do that when I graduated. I quit dancing and joined the wonderful world of pop and not-so-pop music, media whoring, and other music portal/record company - related bullshit. My dad would not get off my case about my taking my master's and I did - and I bugged Mayo for that job writing dance reviews for Malaya to keep me grounded in that old life that I had long ago forgotten. But I was not taking it seriously. If I were, I would have really immersed myself in the Art Studies department; perhaps I would be teaching on a University level. Instead, I screamed at rock bands at 2 in the morning, slept with rockstars, wrote cheesy press releases on recording artists I don't even listen to, babysat showbands at magazine photo shoots, learned to make compelling ads for soulless album repacks under thirty minutes. Well, there were a lot of other things I'm not as ashamed of, but I was making a point.
And so here I found myself today, in Research class, listening to my professor tell me that I'm attempting to swim in a convoluted sea (I had just explained to her my thesis topic and what I wanted to write about) because nobody has ever written about ballet. There are only four major monographs on dance (one, she wrote herself) and none of them dealt with ballet - they were all about Philippine dance, the ati-atihan, the subli, the pang alay, and Igorot dances (I think). Her point was I could do a survey of the history of ballet in the Philippines and merely skim the surface or I could choose that one topic I wanted and really dig deep. She was not encouraging with either choice that was offered.
I think she didn't think I knew enough about ballet to write this thesis. She knows I dance with PBT, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can write an important paper on ballet in the Philippines. So I'm thinking, should I be writing that survey of ballet history instead. Which made me think I don't fricking want to write a survey of fricking ballet history in the Philippines. I am not taking my Master's in Art History, in the first place, it's Art Theory and Criticism.
But maybe I should?
That lead me to thinking I could propose to the NCCA that I write this history of ballet in the Philippines and have it published and whee, I have added to the body of knowledge about ballet in the Philippines (which would have previously been nil). And maybe I should get more serious about uplifting the status of ballet in the Philippines again. Which includes applying to teach, perhaps applying for grants to write more stuff, which leads to other things I have not been thinking about in the longest. And maybe then people may think I do know what I want to write about.
Why is it always about proving something to other people? Must. Change. That.
Maybe I should do all these things that made my mind go a-whirl today. But I feel so fricking tired.
Okay, why me? Sure, when I was a dance major in UP, I really did believe I could make ballet something in this country, elevate its status as a respected art form. But I did not do that when I graduated. I quit dancing and joined the wonderful world of pop and not-so-pop music, media whoring, and other music portal/record company - related bullshit. My dad would not get off my case about my taking my master's and I did - and I bugged Mayo for that job writing dance reviews for Malaya to keep me grounded in that old life that I had long ago forgotten. But I was not taking it seriously. If I were, I would have really immersed myself in the Art Studies department; perhaps I would be teaching on a University level. Instead, I screamed at rock bands at 2 in the morning, slept with rockstars, wrote cheesy press releases on recording artists I don't even listen to, babysat showbands at magazine photo shoots, learned to make compelling ads for soulless album repacks under thirty minutes. Well, there were a lot of other things I'm not as ashamed of, but I was making a point.
And so here I found myself today, in Research class, listening to my professor tell me that I'm attempting to swim in a convoluted sea (I had just explained to her my thesis topic and what I wanted to write about) because nobody has ever written about ballet. There are only four major monographs on dance (one, she wrote herself) and none of them dealt with ballet - they were all about Philippine dance, the ati-atihan, the subli, the pang alay, and Igorot dances (I think). Her point was I could do a survey of the history of ballet in the Philippines and merely skim the surface or I could choose that one topic I wanted and really dig deep. She was not encouraging with either choice that was offered.
I think she didn't think I knew enough about ballet to write this thesis. She knows I dance with PBT, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can write an important paper on ballet in the Philippines. So I'm thinking, should I be writing that survey of ballet history instead. Which made me think I don't fricking want to write a survey of fricking ballet history in the Philippines. I am not taking my Master's in Art History, in the first place, it's Art Theory and Criticism.
But maybe I should?
That lead me to thinking I could propose to the NCCA that I write this history of ballet in the Philippines and have it published and whee, I have added to the body of knowledge about ballet in the Philippines (which would have previously been nil). And maybe I should get more serious about uplifting the status of ballet in the Philippines again. Which includes applying to teach, perhaps applying for grants to write more stuff, which leads to other things I have not been thinking about in the longest. And maybe then people may think I do know what I want to write about.
Why is it always about proving something to other people? Must. Change. That.
Maybe I should do all these things that made my mind go a-whirl today. But I feel so fricking tired.
Friday, December 03, 2004
"is this it is this it is this it?"
Three-fourths of Makati (and the rest of Metro Manila) were closed down for the night because of the storm. And yet, you could not keep me away.
"Thousands stranded in Bicol..."
But Bicol is so far away. At least four hours or so. I feel sad for them, I really do. I'm glad I live in the city.
"Are you still going out? The weather's insane and two transformers had just exploded outside our house."
The weather doesn't seem that insane. And he wants to see me.
"Tsk."
Hee hee.
"GAGA KA. BAKIT KA NASA LABAS? PLEASE GO HOME HANGGAT HINDI KA PA STRANDED NG BAGYO. IT'S VERY STRONG NA HERE."
Hmmm, it must be really strong in the South.
"...go press that dissonance if you dare..."
Cozy, in the car, a slight drizzle outside, and no wind. It's only ten in the evening but it feels like 3 in the morning, or some such ungodly hour. The world outside is quieter than any dry sleepy night. The world inside is full of laughter as I lose a "Name That Tune" game.
"We're in the eye of the storm."
Seems like.
"I REALLY HOPE UR HOME. GO HOME NA SO I CAN STOP WORRYING."
But I am home. And I'm happy. I can worry about the rest of the world tomorrow.
"Thousands stranded in Bicol..."
But Bicol is so far away. At least four hours or so. I feel sad for them, I really do. I'm glad I live in the city.
"Are you still going out? The weather's insane and two transformers had just exploded outside our house."
The weather doesn't seem that insane. And he wants to see me.
"Tsk."
Hee hee.
"GAGA KA. BAKIT KA NASA LABAS? PLEASE GO HOME HANGGAT HINDI KA PA STRANDED NG BAGYO. IT'S VERY STRONG NA HERE."
Hmmm, it must be really strong in the South.
"...go press that dissonance if you dare..."
Cozy, in the car, a slight drizzle outside, and no wind. It's only ten in the evening but it feels like 3 in the morning, or some such ungodly hour. The world outside is quieter than any dry sleepy night. The world inside is full of laughter as I lose a "Name That Tune" game.
"We're in the eye of the storm."
Seems like.
"I REALLY HOPE UR HOME. GO HOME NA SO I CAN STOP WORRYING."
But I am home. And I'm happy. I can worry about the rest of the world tomorrow.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
owning a laptop roxxxx!
I've been really immersed in Sandra Cisneros' Caramelo, a story about a Mexican family living in the US taking a vacation one summer in the Awful Grandmother's house. In recounting the tale of this one summer, Lala, the protagonist not my friend the cat, realizes a lot about her family and the kind of person she had become as a result, as well as displays all these culture-rich facets of her Mexico.
I really love the parallelism to my own country as there are very many similarities that I had been relating to. For example: Befriending the daughter of the woman who washes clothes for you and it being frowned upon by your cousins until you're made to see (or believe that you see) why she is considered an "untouchable" and you don't want to talk to her, much less look at her, anymore. And other stuff. Lala is a child in the chronology of this story, so Cisneros tells her story as a child but tells it both with the innocence of a child and the wisdom of a mature woman remembering the story. It's fascinating how it all melds together and makes sense.
One of the reasons why I'm very impressed with this book that I'm already writing about it even while I'm not done reading it is I feel very staggered by her writing style. Female Latina writers always do this to me, make me want to write, and at the same time, make me feel so inadequate that my own writing isn't any good. What am I writing about, what do I want to encompass?
In the States, there's this thing called NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month. Participants try to finish their novel in a month, with an alloted number of words they have to accomplish each day, to be workshopped, I guess by the organizers. I'm not quite sure what all the details are; I didn't bother to check as 1. I'm not quite eligible to join (I assume that I have to be a citizen of the US of A, but I could be wrong), 2. I'm not ready to write a novel in a month.
My LJ friend Phinnia had joined NaNoWriMo and I've been reading her novel in a little community she made for all her writing (she's the only one who can post in her community, where she puts in chunks of her novel, while the members of this community can read her novel and comment, sort of a mini-workshop already). I've been holding this Waya story, er Maria story, too long in my head that I think maybe drastic measures should be taken for it to be written down. I have yet to do the same as Phinnia is doing, I totally lack the discipline and I have two jobs and my master's thesis to worry about. But, like I said, drastic measures. And then here's Sandra Cisneros rubbing in my face that greatness belongs to only a chosen few. Well, it seems like.
If I ever decide to do the same and post my chapters in LJ the way Phinnia does them, you, my friends will have to open LJ accounts to read it as I'll have the entries friends-locked. Or I could see you at the book launch. I hope.
I really love the parallelism to my own country as there are very many similarities that I had been relating to. For example: Befriending the daughter of the woman who washes clothes for you and it being frowned upon by your cousins until you're made to see (or believe that you see) why she is considered an "untouchable" and you don't want to talk to her, much less look at her, anymore. And other stuff. Lala is a child in the chronology of this story, so Cisneros tells her story as a child but tells it both with the innocence of a child and the wisdom of a mature woman remembering the story. It's fascinating how it all melds together and makes sense.
One of the reasons why I'm very impressed with this book that I'm already writing about it even while I'm not done reading it is I feel very staggered by her writing style. Female Latina writers always do this to me, make me want to write, and at the same time, make me feel so inadequate that my own writing isn't any good. What am I writing about, what do I want to encompass?
In the States, there's this thing called NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month. Participants try to finish their novel in a month, with an alloted number of words they have to accomplish each day, to be workshopped, I guess by the organizers. I'm not quite sure what all the details are; I didn't bother to check as 1. I'm not quite eligible to join (I assume that I have to be a citizen of the US of A, but I could be wrong), 2. I'm not ready to write a novel in a month.
My LJ friend Phinnia had joined NaNoWriMo and I've been reading her novel in a little community she made for all her writing (she's the only one who can post in her community, where she puts in chunks of her novel, while the members of this community can read her novel and comment, sort of a mini-workshop already). I've been holding this Waya story, er Maria story, too long in my head that I think maybe drastic measures should be taken for it to be written down. I have yet to do the same as Phinnia is doing, I totally lack the discipline and I have two jobs and my master's thesis to worry about. But, like I said, drastic measures. And then here's Sandra Cisneros rubbing in my face that greatness belongs to only a chosen few. Well, it seems like.
If I ever decide to do the same and post my chapters in LJ the way Phinnia does them, you, my friends will have to open LJ accounts to read it as I'll have the entries friends-locked. Or I could see you at the book launch. I hope.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
arriving at the right time, the very time we need it
NAMCYA Ballet update: Jared won Gold, Tara won Silver. Tiffany did very well in her enchainements and her classical variation but her energy was down during the modern and it was apparent (according to those who watched) that the modern variation was very important to the judges. I have already spoken to Tiffany and she's pretty okay with the results, as she had been okay even before the week of the finals started. I'm glad, because she values her self improvement than any kind of external validation.
One thing I did regret though was not being able to watch. True, I couldn't leave my school last weekend and true, I didn't have the details as my phone was dead since Thursday, but I did want to show some kind of support and I couldn't even do that because my phone was, as I said, deader than a doornail.
Next year will be the category for the 18 to 25 year olds. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if NAMCYA had opened a ballet division back when I was younger. Would I lose enough weight to compete? Would I have won or lost, given the competitors (I can already imagine who I would be up against)? What would it have done to my self esteem and self respect, either way?
I realize that I probably wouldn't have been able to lose the weight earlier than last year, therefore, I would probably have lost the competition if I had joined, as I would be unable to lose the weight then. Kinda reiterates that everything that has happened to me has been for a reason. I don't know if God really takes this much care over each individual in the universe, but I assume He does and I'm inclined to think that He's quite amazing.
One thing I did regret though was not being able to watch. True, I couldn't leave my school last weekend and true, I didn't have the details as my phone was dead since Thursday, but I did want to show some kind of support and I couldn't even do that because my phone was, as I said, deader than a doornail.
Next year will be the category for the 18 to 25 year olds. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if NAMCYA had opened a ballet division back when I was younger. Would I lose enough weight to compete? Would I have won or lost, given the competitors (I can already imagine who I would be up against)? What would it have done to my self esteem and self respect, either way?
I realize that I probably wouldn't have been able to lose the weight earlier than last year, therefore, I would probably have lost the competition if I had joined, as I would be unable to lose the weight then. Kinda reiterates that everything that has happened to me has been for a reason. I don't know if God really takes this much care over each individual in the universe, but I assume He does and I'm inclined to think that He's quite amazing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
