something bigger than me (there are lots)

I went to my Research class today. It filled my head with lots of thoughts, most disturbingly that there's a lot of things to do with regards to schorlarly studies in the Philippines in ballet and it feels like that it's my responsibility to amend that.

Okay, why me? Sure, when I was a dance major in UP, I really did believe I could make ballet something in this country, elevate its status as a respected art form. But I did not do that when I graduated. I quit dancing and joined the wonderful world of pop and not-so-pop music, media whoring, and other music portal/record company - related bullshit. My dad would not get off my case about my taking my master's and I did - and I bugged Mayo for that job writing dance reviews for Malaya to keep me grounded in that old life that I had long ago forgotten. But I was not taking it seriously. If I were, I would have really immersed myself in the Art Studies department; perhaps I would be teaching on a University level. Instead, I screamed at rock bands at 2 in the morning, slept with rockstars, wrote cheesy press releases on recording artists I don't even listen to, babysat showbands at magazine photo shoots, learned to make compelling ads for soulless album repacks under thirty minutes. Well, there were a lot of other things I'm not as ashamed of, but I was making a point.

And so here I found myself today, in Research class, listening to my professor tell me that I'm attempting to swim in a convoluted sea (I had just explained to her my thesis topic and what I wanted to write about) because nobody has ever written about ballet. There are only four major monographs on dance (one, she wrote herself) and none of them dealt with ballet - they were all about Philippine dance, the ati-atihan, the subli, the pang alay, and Igorot dances (I think). Her point was I could do a survey of the history of ballet in the Philippines and merely skim the surface or I could choose that one topic I wanted and really dig deep. She was not encouraging with either choice that was offered.

I think she didn't think I knew enough about ballet to write this thesis. She knows I dance with PBT, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can write an important paper on ballet in the Philippines. So I'm thinking, should I be writing that survey of ballet history instead. Which made me think I don't fricking want to write a survey of fricking ballet history in the Philippines. I am not taking my Master's in Art History, in the first place, it's Art Theory and Criticism.

But maybe I should?

That lead me to thinking I could propose to the NCCA that I write this history of ballet in the Philippines and have it published and whee, I have added to the body of knowledge about ballet in the Philippines (which would have previously been nil). And maybe I should get more serious about uplifting the status of ballet in the Philippines again. Which includes applying to teach, perhaps applying for grants to write more stuff, which leads to other things I have not been thinking about in the longest. And maybe then people may think I do know what I want to write about.

Why is it always about proving something to other people? Must. Change. That.

Maybe I should do all these things that made my mind go a-whirl today. But I feel so fricking tired.