I'm out of shape. It's strange that I am because I only rested three days without ballet and I was thinking how good it was for my ankle and my poor knees and my eyes that don't need to be wearing contact lenses. Back to ballet and my ankle, my knees and my eyes are back to how they were, like I didn't rest them at all, ingrates.
It's frustrating because you want to be able to take a decent class and instead, you're in semi-pain trying to keep up with Anatoli's strange combinations. It's no way to live, I think.
And then the serious rehearsal for Tzigane has begun. And you don't want to dance Tzigane out of shape, but you don't have a choice. There's a lot of stuff I feel I could be doing better, I just haven't found my groove yet. And it's not at all encouraging that your partner is having a hard time getting back into shape as well - he particularly has a lot of getting into shape to do because he rested an entire year. I remember him to be stronger than he is now; he's actually having a hard time catching me and lifting me and I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have eaten too much since we went to Davao.
At times, I'm afraid that I'll do a completely bum job and I can't use my out-of-shapeness (or my partner's out-of-shapeness) as an excuse anymore. I'm really worried that I won't do a good Tzigane because I'm not good enough. Or I'm doing something wrong so that my partner has a hard time lifting me. It's times like these I wish my Dad was watching the rehearsal.
The thing is Tzigane is a show-off ballet and all of a sudden, I'm afraid to show off. I'm having
doubts about myself that I'm able to show off, that I have what it takes to dance this. It was created for Lisa Macuja for crying out loud.
I don't know if I'm going to dance this at all, besides my insecure evaluation of myself, because I'm heavily embedded in most of the company's outreach repertoire. Will they take me out of some dances so that I can dance Tzigane? If this is a promotion, I hope I don't botch it up.
I don't know why this is going into my thesis journal at all. I think I may just be whining my head off for no reason except I had a less than stellar rehearsal yesterday. But I may need whatever insights I make here in the future. Or I may not. We'll see.
battle scars on my right armpit from one of the tricky lifts in Tzigane
4 comments:
you're just rusty from three days of rest. just keep plugging away. I, too, find my voice sluggish after only two or three days of rest. maybe it's age?
dear jo, i don't know anything about ballet but i know you-- and you're going to get through this. there's a reason they're called rehearsals and you're bound to get better the more you practice. it's good that you want to be better, that you're trying to be as perfect as you can for this part but don't push yourself to the point where you're actually beating yourself up. k? you are fabulous jo and you worked your ass off to become as good as you are. and i don't think that the skill you've worked so hard and nurtured so long will go away just like that. take care of that armpit! MWAH!
it doesn't even hurt! honest!
are those like the marks you get from the strap of your bag when it's too heavy?
Post a Comment