cleaning out the clutter

My Research prof thinks I'm still not quite sure what I want to do with my thesis exactly. Now, I have to admit, I super agree. I think much of my angst has been because I've been trying to defend ballet as something worthy of study. I realize now that she was negative about my thesis then because of this problem - I was too busy being defensive about ballet having significance that the essence of what was so significant hardly existed. I had a few ideas here and there and I was trying to construct an entire paper on those scattered ideas.

Anyway, she tells me that I shouldn't feel bad if I'm still confused and asking a lot of questions about what I want to focus on. (I blame it on my doing too too many things.) She suggests I really narrow it down and make it easy on myself by writing about what's closest to my heart. Obviously, ballet, but what about ballet? I guess I still want to write about the pas de deux, I just got too excited about including folk and ethnic dance in it that I'm getting too in over my head again. When do I have time to really go into the field and do the required research? Especially when I'm already dancing full time and trying to get extra stuff in? Point!!! Perhaps, match point even.

So she made me write a thesis journal. This week will be important because from the seven entries I discuss with her next week, we'll figure out what I am really passionate about in the here and now. Or I suspect that's what I'm doing this for. In this journal, I will write down all my ballet thoughts and observations and questions. I have super a lot. This journal will help me find my focus.

I'm super admitting it here: I have none. (Let's say it again: I blame it on my doing too too many things!) I have all these thoughts running around in my head like headless chickens but focus? Focus is the name of the Body Shop perfume oil my parents gave me as a graduation present, partly because it smells so me and partly to remind me that I should try to have focus.

So I will keep this thesis journal, all the way through while writing this thesis, and post here in my sleepyhouse. I will also post about other stuff, don't worry. Who knows, it will help me focus for the rest of my writing as well.

(Off the record, I kinda suspect that my Prof may believe I'm not bright enough to write this thesis. Some days, I agree wholeheartedly. Other days, I'm thinking, hey, just because I'm sexy doesn't mean I don't have a brain! But lately, yes, I've been feeling I'm not bright enough to write this thesis. Or maybe, not all there. I'd rather, you know, do sexy brainless ditz stuff. *twirls hair on forefinger*)