I attended my mom's high school homecoming the other day - not the event itself but the tech rehearsal the day before. I've never been in a room full of women all older than me whose ages I more or less was aware of. It's strange how that kind of situation can give you an entirely different perspective of life. There were batches of sixty year olds, fifty year olds, forty year olds and I balked suddenly when I realized I'm only ten years younger than them (the mommy-looking forty year olds onstage)!
I made two important decisions then and there: 1. Instead of making my future brood of children my big achievement of my life, I will go do everything I want to do for myself first. And 2. I will be utterly gorgeous even when I reach the age of 40, 50, 60 and beyond.
(Though my second decision must be making people shake their heads at me because of course I'm not ever ever gonna look my age, given how I look now. One of my classmates, a delightful woman named Lilliput, asked my mom how old I was and she misheard my mom's reply of "Thirty" for "Thirteen." "But she does look only thirteen!" she exclaimed when my mom protested. Yeah, I fool everyone.)
My first decision is something I've actually been planning for a while, a long while already, I'm just not quite following through yet. But I've thought about it over the weekend and I've figured it out. It's not my life that needs direction. Just me. I know where I want to go, I just have too many things I want to do that I'm juggling them quite badly. They're all up in the air and I concentrate on the first thing that falls. Then I totally ignore that when something else comes crashing down. It's no way to live!!
I'm going to really crack the whip on myself from now on. I have a really good job prospect looming on the horizon, so before I take that on, I want all my personal projects done and out of the way already. I'm thinking that even if I don't get the job, I would have finalized the updated syllabus for our family's ballet school, published that compilation of my old blog archives, written at least half of my Maria/Waya novel, started real work on my thesis.
Sounds like a plan, man. Now, get the whip out!
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4 comments:
hahaha, relax! who says you can't do all these things even with kids? or that becoming a mother means the death of the rest of your life? it's the 21st century, babe, you can do it all!!!!
love,
marga
I think I didn't explain myself again. I balked because these women were mommies and they were only ten years older than me, meaning, at my age, I should be having babies already. But I got to thinking, I'm going to have babies but it's not going to define who I am. It's the last thing I want - for me to be identified as merely somebody's mother or my child to be identified merely as my child. You know what I mean? Anyway, I'm not worried about having kids yet. I know it's gonna happen.
ah ok, i misunderstood, please forgive. i've made that resolution too but without the certainty of it ever being enforced, haha.
ah, turning thirty, what a fucking bitch.
marga
aw, nothing to forgive, i should apologize for running off at the mouth. thirty is a wonderful age, if you forget that people expect you to be certain things by this time. :)
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