jelly roll

Back to ballet. It's not as bad as I expected. My dad has put a condition on our going back and it still remains to be seen what happens to that, but it's okay so far. I wish the condition stays. It would really sadden me if this were my last week of dancing ballet professionally. Looking back, I know why my old career didn't take off: it was I didn't stick around long enough. I had promised myself that this time, I was going to stick around. At least for a few years. I'm praying I'll get that chance.

My dad does have a point about the system sucking. But we can't really fight the system - it will always suck this badly. If ever what we're doing now will make a difference, that difference will only kick in after our time, for the next generation. We've also got a bad economy to deal with. But they really should learn how to prioritize; more importantly how to plan the season's repertoire so that they can produce the ballet within their means. But the system sucks and my dad is only trying to protect us from that.

This strangely reminds me of my lovelife. My guy/ballet company doesn't prioritize me and yet I stay with him/the company because there's nobody/nothing I'd rather be with/doing. People advise me that the smart thing to do is leave but there's too much heartache even with the thought of leaving. There's a lot of heartache involved, but only because I care so much.

Best thing about today: the dancing.

Worst thing: I have a small roll of fat around my belly. I know it's probably just that I'm bloated because I'm ovulating, but it really sucks. Especially when I was happily skin and bones just a few weeks ago.

Mama Joel said it didn't matter if I had gained weight, any of it will be hidden behind the kimono anyway. The problem with those kimonos was some of them were made specifically small and won't close if you have breasts (which was the problem my sister and I encountered for the photo shoot). Mama Joel laughed when I explained this to him and said, "Good luck pala."

I'm taking the good luck to cross over to everything in general. At this point, I really need it.