Here's the deal. I found this list in my files; I had posted it in my old blog last new year. I was reading it again and saw how much my life has changed since. Thought you might be interested.
Legend: Those in red don't apply anymore. Those in blue stay the same. If it's in bold font, it's a big change or non-change.
100 Things
1. I want to be less than 100 pounds
I hit 98 a couple of months ago.
2. I want to be prima ballerina the level of Alessandra Ferri and I will, mark my words
I probably won't but I'm improving. Hope you didn't mark my words.
3. Right now I am wearing glasses that are slipping off my nose.
I'm in my contacts, but my glasses usually slip off my nose still.
4. I normally wear contact lenses because I am legally blind
5. and my mom thinks I am ugly wearing glasses but
6. Caloy fell in love with me while I was in glasses so I can't look all that bad
Well, he did fall in love with me that way, so that stays.
7. I have 97 friends on Friendster
I now have close to 200, I think
8. I am somewhere between 5'1 and 5'2 but never bothered to figure out how tall exactly
9. I wear mile high heels and wedges
Not anymore, my legs get too tired from ballet class to try to walk in heels.
10. until Blue said to me "Bakit ang tangkad mo?"
11. I own so many bags that my sister has banned me from buying anymore
12. I believe that a girl can never have enough bags
13. I also believe in world peace
14. I am watching the CSI Miami marathon because I love Rory Cochrane who plays Lucas in one of my favorite movies Empire Records
15. I don't have too nice feet for somebody who wants to be on the same level of Alessandra Ferri, who has fabulous feet
My feet have gotten really nice.
16. I am 29 years old
I am 30 years old.
17. I love changing my friendster profile, and it's my favorite thing to do on friendster. Friends? What are those?
I hardly check Friendster now.
18. Just kidding about the friends. I have the fiercest, most loyal, most amazing friends in the universe.
19. If ever I get married, I shall have 9 bridesmaids.
20. But I doubt I'll get married.
21. I love coffee. I drink it while eating meals, like it was water.
22. I am Bubbles, the easy Power Puff Girl
23. I have beautiful legs
24. and beautiful shoulders
25. I fall for chiseled faces
26. and that eyelock-then look away thing
I've found other things to fall for.
27. I am so easy.
28. I am a monster when I get angry.
29. I will try not to get angry anymore.
Well, I'm still trying.
30. That's why I want to quit my day job.
Mission accomplished, April 2004.
31. I love fast rock and roll
32. and moving full orchestra ballet music
But I love jazz too. I'm rediscovering.
33. I love taking long hot baths wherever I can find bathtubs
34. I love looking at buildings and furniture
35. I love looking at Blue dance
I actually do, still, but I hardly see him dance anymore. And it's not as intense as it used to be.
36. I love buying books, and should read them before I buy any more
I haven't bought a book since I made that list. Yay.
37. I am more like Psylocke than people think I am
I like to think so. Humor me.
38. But I would never break up with Angel because he rocks
39. I think I have found my soul mate and I am patiently waiting for him to figure out what HE wants
How could I have thought that? The world wonders.
40. I do not like to think I'm waiting for nothing.
I've owned up to it. It's cool.
41. Hence, Blue.
42. I have one of the loudest laughs in the universe
43. I am not ashamed if people can pick out my laugh in movie houses
44. I am not ashamed to say that I like Meteor Garden
45. But I'm finding that the second season can be tiresome to go through again in its entirety
46. I am becoming impatient with this list and I'm not even halfway through
47. I used to not be able to live without my phone
I can't live without it. It's holding some gears and springs together.
48. I can make fabulous print ads in an hour, 30 minutes if I'm motivated enough
I'm not sure anymore; I used to, but I think I'm out of practice. May take two hours now.
49. I write well and I know it
50. I dance mediocrely and I know it
51. I'm actually waiting for somebody to say "No, you dance so wonderfully!!!!"
Haha, this made me smile.
52. I love Roswell so much, I like to think that they're my friends
53. When I was a kid I told my mom to call me Angelica
54. I am now apalled at my taste, blech!
55. I love my name. Joelle. Yum.
56. I hate spicy food
57. I hate wearing earrings and I lost a million earrings from when I was an infant.
58. But I wear them if somebody special gave them to me.
59. I wear only 3 pairs of earrings: one from Aphrodite, another from Jacqui, another from Mamia
I lost the pair Mamia gave me, sob!
60. I used to have breasts
61. I now wonder where they went.
I still have breasts. They're smaller, but they're there. They're well appreciated.
62. I still have a perky butt.
63. This list is taking me forever.
64. I love traveling. I think I have wanderlust.
65. But no place beats my bed.
66. I have the funniest, smartest supergodchild in the world.
67. I love to chide my best friend about spoiling my supergodchild to get on her nerves, hehehehe.
I don't get to anymore. Aw.
68. I have insomnia over the weirdest things
These days, I'm only insomniaic if I'm writing. I've lost a lot of angst, thank God.
69. I love to eat, but it always depends on what I'm in the mood for
70. I don't normally like sweets unless it's chocolate bars, vanilla ice cream, cheesecake, mousse or silvanas
71. I always cry when I watch Love Affair. Always.
72. Love Affair and Sleepless in Seattle are the movies that fixed my relationship with my Dad
73. I love Hugh Grant, and believe he has the most appalling taste in women because he hasn't met me yet.
74. I am in the process of writing my first novel. But it's all written out in my head already.
75. I need more time.
The time is now.
76. I need new shoes.
77. Actually, I don't need new shoes, I just like buying new shoes.
I did need shoes but I've bought new pairs just today and I'm happy.
78. I would take vanilla over chocolate any day.
79. I love white chocolate.
80. I could live on salami.
81. I love strawberries and cream and it's a wonder how I will ever get to below 100 pounds at the rate I'm going.
82. I like to take artsy photographs, meaning not the kind where everybody bunches together and says "Cheese!"
83. I love cheese.
84. I have to stop thinking about food.
Well, I do have to lose weight still.
85. When I was a kid, I used to pretend I was an elf and nobody could see me because I moved so fast.
86. I was so afraid of vampires that to this day, when I am scared, I cover my neck.
87. I used to like bacon until I cooked them myself and got sick of it.
I like bacon again.
88. I love the beach.
89. I love kissing.
90. I miss kissing.
I wish I could be kissing right now.
91. I love blogging.
92. I put three teaspoons of sugar in my coffee.
93. I used to only drink cappuccinos but lately I've been broadening myself
I drink the coffee of the day now. It made more sense.
94. I hate "going out"
Well, I don't hate it.
95. Unless it's a quiet catch-up thing with close friends
96. I love looking at stars, fireworks and Xmas lights
97. I believe I would be a great mother and an awesome wife
98. But I don't want it to happen anytime soon.
99. I believe I have time.
100. I am so glad this is done because I have the hardest time keeping still.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
awaiting the ultra violent reactions
Tito G told me the other day that I had to lose weight.
I know, I know. I've been looking at myself in the mirror and thinking I'm thin enough. But I have to dance with Kit and Kit is tiny. I've always considered myself too muscular to be gaunt and waif-ish, but it's gaunt and waif-ish that this pas de trois needs and gaunt and waif-ish I must be.
Maybe if I lessen my protein intake, I could get rid of my muscles too...
It's not a lot of weight. When Tito G said, "Joelle, lose more weight," Anatoli (bless his heart) sharply looked at him and conferenced and objection I couldn't hear. To which Tito G said, "Just a little bit more." I have to admit I have to get rid of the adipose flesh on my tummy - my problem spot. I was planning to develop abs instead of hewing it down flat, but it looks like I'll have to hew them down flat now. And I guess I can't help the fact that I have breasts, as little and insignificant as they are, which makes me look fuller than Kit does. I could lose the weight to shrink my boobies and then grow them back after.
Do I sound scary yet? I'm sorry but these are the choices I have to work with.
Kit is shaking her head at the whole thing and is trying to convince me that it's just attitude. "Think thin!" she insists instead. Meanwhile, she's dancing Tzigane, which is like running a marathon each time she rehearses it - which is every day, meaning she will be losing weight as well. I really have my catching up cut out for me.
Don't worry, though. I've never dieted dangerously my entire life and I'm not starting now. Taking most of the fat out of my diet (not all because if you're fat deficient, your body knows and makes its own fat!) and eating less of what I normally eat always works for me. I never go hungry, I eat well. And I've been having more aerobic exercise than I used to. I just have to relax more so that I don't turn into a zombie.
I don't like it though when Tito G tells me I have to lose weight. He's always been on my case about my weight - since time immemorial - and when I decided to come back, I really disciplined myself to lose it, just to prove that I'm really serious about dancing. His telling me that I need to lose weight seems to say that he doesn't think I'm serious about dancing yet. I don't like that I have anything to prove to anybody. I have enough problems proving my seriousness and capabilities to myself.
Ah well. We deal. So it goes.
A bright side: Lucas said in reaction, "Tell him he has to lose weight." Hahaha.
I know, I know. I've been looking at myself in the mirror and thinking I'm thin enough. But I have to dance with Kit and Kit is tiny. I've always considered myself too muscular to be gaunt and waif-ish, but it's gaunt and waif-ish that this pas de trois needs and gaunt and waif-ish I must be.
Maybe if I lessen my protein intake, I could get rid of my muscles too...
It's not a lot of weight. When Tito G said, "Joelle, lose more weight," Anatoli (bless his heart) sharply looked at him and conferenced and objection I couldn't hear. To which Tito G said, "Just a little bit more." I have to admit I have to get rid of the adipose flesh on my tummy - my problem spot. I was planning to develop abs instead of hewing it down flat, but it looks like I'll have to hew them down flat now. And I guess I can't help the fact that I have breasts, as little and insignificant as they are, which makes me look fuller than Kit does. I could lose the weight to shrink my boobies and then grow them back after.
Do I sound scary yet? I'm sorry but these are the choices I have to work with.
Kit is shaking her head at the whole thing and is trying to convince me that it's just attitude. "Think thin!" she insists instead. Meanwhile, she's dancing Tzigane, which is like running a marathon each time she rehearses it - which is every day, meaning she will be losing weight as well. I really have my catching up cut out for me.
Don't worry, though. I've never dieted dangerously my entire life and I'm not starting now. Taking most of the fat out of my diet (not all because if you're fat deficient, your body knows and makes its own fat!) and eating less of what I normally eat always works for me. I never go hungry, I eat well. And I've been having more aerobic exercise than I used to. I just have to relax more so that I don't turn into a zombie.
I don't like it though when Tito G tells me I have to lose weight. He's always been on my case about my weight - since time immemorial - and when I decided to come back, I really disciplined myself to lose it, just to prove that I'm really serious about dancing. His telling me that I need to lose weight seems to say that he doesn't think I'm serious about dancing yet. I don't like that I have anything to prove to anybody. I have enough problems proving my seriousness and capabilities to myself.
Ah well. We deal. So it goes.
A bright side: Lucas said in reaction, "Tell him he has to lose weight." Hahaha.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
The Jabrian
I saw an old friend the other night. I hadn't seen him since the last time I saw his band play and that was too long ago. He's a drummer and where the joke "Marci likes Drummers!" came from. Not that I (or Marci) actually liked him that way; it's strange to explain our relationship online, especially when he could read this. So we stick to seeing him again the other night as some of the things he said to me really made me think.
After the basic pleasantries, he said to me, "You're so thin!!! I almost didn't recognize you!"
What it made me think: Am I that thin that people don't recognize me? I got that from two other people just this same week. Plus, another friend overheard him saying that to me and told me after, "Pero, payat ka nga. I want to feed you, that's how thin you are."
It also made me think, was I that fat before that nobody can recognize me now? It's too strange.
Later, he asked me what I've been doing and I said I've been dancing and he said, "I can see that, you're so sexy."
What it made me think: Pick up line ba yon? Haha, kapal.
Then, he asked me, "How's Caloy?"
What it made me think: This particularly stunned me because I kinda forgot that people not only knew about me and Caloy but it impressed them enough for them to remember. You know what I mean - this friend of mine isn't that close to me that he should care whom I'm going out with, we never talked about it, I never told him about it, he never asked me about it, all prior to this asking me about it. My relationship with Caloy was never part of my friendship with this friend, so it never occurred to me that he should care whether I was still seeing him or not. Apparently, he did care.
It's actually not important, his asking. It's probably just small talk or he just thought of asking it out of the blue. Or maybe his sentence prior to really was a pick up line and he's doing some background checking. Hahaha, I slay myself.
I told him, "Caloy and I are done." He said, "Oh, I'm sorry." Then, he smiled and said, "He's old." I laughed and he said, "It's his loss, now you're all sexy!"
What it made me think: Nako, pick up line nga!
We watch my friend's jazz band (separately, I was sitting with my other friend who wanted to feed me) and after that set, he decided to go home. He says bye to me and tells me, "If I can tell you honestly, I miss the old you. You're sexier now, but I think you were more beautiful then. So gain a few, why don't you?"
What it made me think: I always thought that I was sexier when I had more flesh and prettier now that I have less on my cheeks. But beauty is really in the eye of the beholder, I guess.
The next day, I am taking class and watching my moves and technique in the mirror. And I notice that my arm and shoulder muscles are more ripply now that there's not fat in residence, and I think, damn, I'm so thin. I am mesmerized, watching them move and I tell myself, wow, ang sexy.
Jabrianed, once again. Haha.
After the basic pleasantries, he said to me, "You're so thin!!! I almost didn't recognize you!"
What it made me think: Am I that thin that people don't recognize me? I got that from two other people just this same week. Plus, another friend overheard him saying that to me and told me after, "Pero, payat ka nga. I want to feed you, that's how thin you are."
It also made me think, was I that fat before that nobody can recognize me now? It's too strange.
Later, he asked me what I've been doing and I said I've been dancing and he said, "I can see that, you're so sexy."
What it made me think: Pick up line ba yon? Haha, kapal.
Then, he asked me, "How's Caloy?"
What it made me think: This particularly stunned me because I kinda forgot that people not only knew about me and Caloy but it impressed them enough for them to remember. You know what I mean - this friend of mine isn't that close to me that he should care whom I'm going out with, we never talked about it, I never told him about it, he never asked me about it, all prior to this asking me about it. My relationship with Caloy was never part of my friendship with this friend, so it never occurred to me that he should care whether I was still seeing him or not. Apparently, he did care.
It's actually not important, his asking. It's probably just small talk or he just thought of asking it out of the blue. Or maybe his sentence prior to really was a pick up line and he's doing some background checking. Hahaha, I slay myself.
I told him, "Caloy and I are done." He said, "Oh, I'm sorry." Then, he smiled and said, "He's old." I laughed and he said, "It's his loss, now you're all sexy!"
What it made me think: Nako, pick up line nga!
We watch my friend's jazz band (separately, I was sitting with my other friend who wanted to feed me) and after that set, he decided to go home. He says bye to me and tells me, "If I can tell you honestly, I miss the old you. You're sexier now, but I think you were more beautiful then. So gain a few, why don't you?"
What it made me think: I always thought that I was sexier when I had more flesh and prettier now that I have less on my cheeks. But beauty is really in the eye of the beholder, I guess.
The next day, I am taking class and watching my moves and technique in the mirror. And I notice that my arm and shoulder muscles are more ripply now that there's not fat in residence, and I think, damn, I'm so thin. I am mesmerized, watching them move and I tell myself, wow, ang sexy.
Jabrianed, once again. Haha.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
call me valmont
I am the Rake A woman never quite feels desired and appreciated enough. She wants attention, but a man is too often distracted and unresponsive. The Rake is a great female fantasy-figure - when he desires a woman, brief though that moment may be, he will go to the ends of the earth for her. He may be disloyal, dishonest and amoral, but that only adds to his appeal. Stir a woman's repressed longings by adapting the Rake's mix of danger and pleasure. Symbol: Fire. The Rake burns with a desire that enflames the woman he is seducing. It is extreme, uncontrollable and dangerous. The Rake may end in hell, but the flames surrounding him often make him seem that much more desirable to women. |
What Type of Seducer are You?
created by
polite_society So how do I seem to men? I kinda like this, though. Extreme, uncontrollable and dangerous. Heheh.
glossaries and footnotes
New book alert. After reading Of Love and Other Demons, I picked up one of the books on my next-to-read list (remember that one? I blogged about it a couple months ago. It was very long). This one is Sandra Cisneros' Caramelo. I haven't actually read it at all because when I bought it, I felt guilty for doing so while I still had a lot of backlog and decided to postpone reading it. I don't care about the other books waiting in line, I will read it now.
One of the things I like about these Non-American, Non-English writers who write in English is they put in words they use colloquially in their native tongue, words that in their opinion mean exactly what they want to say, more than any translation of the word can. Cisneros is one such writer. I'm saying this as opposed to the foreign writers whose works are instead translated into English. Of course, it's a translation and there are many ways of saying a certain thing. But if it was intended to be read in English, but set in their habitus, of course you're going to see those words. Some writers actually have glossaries at the back of their book. I like the idea of a glossary.
I'm writing a story. It's kinda stale now; I first started writing it when SARS broke out and one of my characters actually dies from SARS, but wouldn't you know it, SARS is so last season. But I've managed to convince myself that it will still be an interesting story, even if it's not timely.
I'm developing the characters, so I joined an online community that helps you do just that. I have most of the story written out in my head, but I want to really flesh out the characters in the process - the main reason why it's taking me so long to write this book is I'm having such a hard time with the characters. It began as a movie, actually. I planned to make a movie with my friends and got the story out based on, well since Waya can sing, she'll play the lead role and we'll make her a singer who has a hard time figuring out where she fits in today's music industry. After wisely conceding that making this movie will be too much for me, I decided it could work as a book. And in many ways, it is better as a book. Of course, this story isn't about Waya, not really. And so there is fleshing out to do.
Anyway, this online community is made up from people from all over the world; I can't just say "Panalo!" and they'll understand what I mean when I say that. I decided I won't translate, I'll just explain in footnotes. I kinda like the idea that when this book is finished, I'll have a neat little glossary at the end.
Cisneros doesn't have a glossary. I haven't read much yet, but flipping through the book, I noticed she has footnotes. I'm not sure what's in her footnotes exactly, but I'm excited to find out. I think, in my book, I'd like to have footnotes too.
One of the things I like about these Non-American, Non-English writers who write in English is they put in words they use colloquially in their native tongue, words that in their opinion mean exactly what they want to say, more than any translation of the word can. Cisneros is one such writer. I'm saying this as opposed to the foreign writers whose works are instead translated into English. Of course, it's a translation and there are many ways of saying a certain thing. But if it was intended to be read in English, but set in their habitus, of course you're going to see those words. Some writers actually have glossaries at the back of their book. I like the idea of a glossary.
I'm writing a story. It's kinda stale now; I first started writing it when SARS broke out and one of my characters actually dies from SARS, but wouldn't you know it, SARS is so last season. But I've managed to convince myself that it will still be an interesting story, even if it's not timely.
I'm developing the characters, so I joined an online community that helps you do just that. I have most of the story written out in my head, but I want to really flesh out the characters in the process - the main reason why it's taking me so long to write this book is I'm having such a hard time with the characters. It began as a movie, actually. I planned to make a movie with my friends and got the story out based on, well since Waya can sing, she'll play the lead role and we'll make her a singer who has a hard time figuring out where she fits in today's music industry. After wisely conceding that making this movie will be too much for me, I decided it could work as a book. And in many ways, it is better as a book. Of course, this story isn't about Waya, not really. And so there is fleshing out to do.
Anyway, this online community is made up from people from all over the world; I can't just say "Panalo!" and they'll understand what I mean when I say that. I decided I won't translate, I'll just explain in footnotes. I kinda like the idea that when this book is finished, I'll have a neat little glossary at the end.
Cisneros doesn't have a glossary. I haven't read much yet, but flipping through the book, I noticed she has footnotes. I'm not sure what's in her footnotes exactly, but I'm excited to find out. I think, in my book, I'd like to have footnotes too.
Friday, October 22, 2004
goodbye, little boy blue
The Saga of the Coronary Man is a short ballet made for a doctor's convention; the Coronary Man dances the tango with his friends when his heart stops. He flashes back to his childhood where his parents are fighting, drinking and smoking, and very much influences the man he grows up to be. At present, a heart surgeon, his attending physicians and three nurses in the cutest costumes, try to revive him. When they clean up his heart, an aerobics instructor teaches him to live healthily. The ballet ends as the Coronary Man convinces his friends to convert to healthy living as well.
Whenever anyone says we're dancing Saga, the response is always an incredulous groan.
Actually, though I find the entire thing a travesty, I like dancing the tango part. The choreography is pretty good and the tango is always fun. Also, I had danced the tango with Nino (I had even written a short piece about that experience) and of course I liked doing that.
Actually, I realize how much I really liked dancing with Nino, now that he's gone - a sort of Big Yellow Taxi thing. My new tango partner is Peter, who still has a lot of training to do with regards to partnering. It used to be so easy to dance this tango, and so fun and so cool that Nino and I can flirt without worrying that we'll dance it wrong. Now I have to make alalay that Peter won't drop me, I have to remind him of the step if he forgets, I have to carry my weight more than usual because if I don't, he will drop me.
Yes, I'm worried that Peter will drop me. Actually, I expect it.
Rehearsing Tango and wishing I was dancing it with Nino again also made me realize how important Nino was to me this last year. I was a few weeks ago mourning the demise of a relationship I really wanted to work, and much of it was mourning myself because I had felt so unloved for a big chunk of time. But I realized it's not true, I was loved a lot - maybe not by the man who was supposed to be loving me officially. But, as Kitch once told me, we're lucky for any amount of love that we get.
I used to feel really guilty about liking Nino this much, but now I understand that I really did need him when he was there for me. And not only because he was sweet and paid attention to me. The best part about the entire Nino thing was he made dancing fun. Well, dancing is really fun, period, but I had never really been in love while dancing before and he allowed me to experience what it felt like. It wasn't just the nice companionship during the tours and canteen breaks, it wasn't just the flirting onstage, it wasn't just the nice conversations about dance while waiting for rehearsal in the studio and in the dressing room, it was also dancing with him and feeling an affinity for a partner with whom you matched on several levels, physically, mentally, emotionally. It was sad when he first left the company as it signalled the end of an era. I decided it was good because we would never work as a couple. We could be happy for a while, but I would hate how obsessed he was with money and how warped his priorities are. He would eventually want women younger and more nubile than me. Etc, etc, etc. Waya once asked me, "Do you think it will work outside of ballet?" My immediate response was "But there's nothing outside of ballet!" I have come to realize that I was just being idealistic and it will never survive outside ballet. But it was nice when it happened.
Now, while I must endure having to go through each combination thoroughly with Peter, I also understand that I'm on to a new phase in my life. I read somewhere that everything I need only comes to me at the right time. The universe is really taking care of me.
me, Nino, Arnel, Jacqui and Nonette, having lunch in Cabanatuan while on tour for Hunchback of Notre Dame
February 5, 2004
Whenever anyone says we're dancing Saga, the response is always an incredulous groan.
Actually, though I find the entire thing a travesty, I like dancing the tango part. The choreography is pretty good and the tango is always fun. Also, I had danced the tango with Nino (I had even written a short piece about that experience) and of course I liked doing that.
Actually, I realize how much I really liked dancing with Nino, now that he's gone - a sort of Big Yellow Taxi thing. My new tango partner is Peter, who still has a lot of training to do with regards to partnering. It used to be so easy to dance this tango, and so fun and so cool that Nino and I can flirt without worrying that we'll dance it wrong. Now I have to make alalay that Peter won't drop me, I have to remind him of the step if he forgets, I have to carry my weight more than usual because if I don't, he will drop me.
Yes, I'm worried that Peter will drop me. Actually, I expect it.
Rehearsing Tango and wishing I was dancing it with Nino again also made me realize how important Nino was to me this last year. I was a few weeks ago mourning the demise of a relationship I really wanted to work, and much of it was mourning myself because I had felt so unloved for a big chunk of time. But I realized it's not true, I was loved a lot - maybe not by the man who was supposed to be loving me officially. But, as Kitch once told me, we're lucky for any amount of love that we get.
I used to feel really guilty about liking Nino this much, but now I understand that I really did need him when he was there for me. And not only because he was sweet and paid attention to me. The best part about the entire Nino thing was he made dancing fun. Well, dancing is really fun, period, but I had never really been in love while dancing before and he allowed me to experience what it felt like. It wasn't just the nice companionship during the tours and canteen breaks, it wasn't just the flirting onstage, it wasn't just the nice conversations about dance while waiting for rehearsal in the studio and in the dressing room, it was also dancing with him and feeling an affinity for a partner with whom you matched on several levels, physically, mentally, emotionally. It was sad when he first left the company as it signalled the end of an era. I decided it was good because we would never work as a couple. We could be happy for a while, but I would hate how obsessed he was with money and how warped his priorities are. He would eventually want women younger and more nubile than me. Etc, etc, etc. Waya once asked me, "Do you think it will work outside of ballet?" My immediate response was "But there's nothing outside of ballet!" I have come to realize that I was just being idealistic and it will never survive outside ballet. But it was nice when it happened.
Now, while I must endure having to go through each combination thoroughly with Peter, I also understand that I'm on to a new phase in my life. I read somewhere that everything I need only comes to me at the right time. The universe is really taking care of me.
me, Nino, Arnel, Jacqui and Nonette, having lunch in Cabanatuan while on tour for Hunchback of Notre Dame
February 5, 2004
Thursday, October 21, 2004
are you for real?
I saw House of the Flying Daggers. I'm such a sucker for these epic Chinese movies, I never thought anything could eclipse Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, until Hero. Then I never thought anything could eclipse Hero until House of Flying Daggers. I await the next eclipse.
All three films feature Zhang Ziyi. House of Flying Daggers is originally called Shi Mian Mai Fu, whose literal translation is actually Ambushed From Ten Directions. Which is true of the movie but doesn't have the same impact as House of Flying Daggers does.
I want Andy Lau!!! Or at the very least, I want to take home the Andy Lau tarp that hangs in Galleria!!! One of my favorite scenes is where his character Leo has captured the blind rebel Mei (Zhang Ziyi), and is trying to get her to talk. He takes her into a chamber and props her up against a wooden contraption and tells her, "This is a torture device." He slides his hands up her arms and places her hands on the thing. He places his faces beside hers, breathing into her ear, into her neck. He explains to her what will happen to her limbs if she doesn't cooperate while his soldiers are demonstrating with slabs of bamboo. As the bamboo cracks, he leans into her some more, pressing her against the torture device, pressing against her back. She shudders, seemingly more from him than from the sound of the splintering bamboo.
I swear, I'm taking him home.
While I was a bit bothered that I had some deja vu regarding a bath scene where Jin (Takeshi Kaneshiro) walks away and assures Mei that he is far away by clanging on his sword. Isn't that so Dark Cloud singing as he walks out of his cave? What is it about Zhang Ziyi that men are always making her take baths? Hmmm, actually I know the answer to that.
This movie has way lots more sexual tension than either Crouching Tiger or Hero; though it is breathtakingly pretty, it's not as breathtakingly pretty as Hero, which is the prettiest of the three. So I guess the sexual tension is making up for it. It's also way funnier than either of the two predecessors as Jin is hilarious in his plays for Mei and has you laughing for most of the movie. And yet, there's a tearjerker in the end as well. All in all, it's a winner. I want to see it again. Aaaaah, DVDeeee!!!
All three films feature Zhang Ziyi. House of Flying Daggers is originally called Shi Mian Mai Fu, whose literal translation is actually Ambushed From Ten Directions. Which is true of the movie but doesn't have the same impact as House of Flying Daggers does.
I want Andy Lau!!! Or at the very least, I want to take home the Andy Lau tarp that hangs in Galleria!!! One of my favorite scenes is where his character Leo has captured the blind rebel Mei (Zhang Ziyi), and is trying to get her to talk. He takes her into a chamber and props her up against a wooden contraption and tells her, "This is a torture device." He slides his hands up her arms and places her hands on the thing. He places his faces beside hers, breathing into her ear, into her neck. He explains to her what will happen to her limbs if she doesn't cooperate while his soldiers are demonstrating with slabs of bamboo. As the bamboo cracks, he leans into her some more, pressing her against the torture device, pressing against her back. She shudders, seemingly more from him than from the sound of the splintering bamboo.
I swear, I'm taking him home.
While I was a bit bothered that I had some deja vu regarding a bath scene where Jin (Takeshi Kaneshiro) walks away and assures Mei that he is far away by clanging on his sword. Isn't that so Dark Cloud singing as he walks out of his cave? What is it about Zhang Ziyi that men are always making her take baths? Hmmm, actually I know the answer to that.
This movie has way lots more sexual tension than either Crouching Tiger or Hero; though it is breathtakingly pretty, it's not as breathtakingly pretty as Hero, which is the prettiest of the three. So I guess the sexual tension is making up for it. It's also way funnier than either of the two predecessors as Jin is hilarious in his plays for Mei and has you laughing for most of the movie. And yet, there's a tearjerker in the end as well. All in all, it's a winner. I want to see it again. Aaaaah, DVDeeee!!!
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
the lilac fairy
As I may or may not have mentioned before (I am too tamad to check), we're (my dad's school is) doing The Sleeping Beauty for our annual recital in December. Last minute changes, though: Daddy decided we give the title role of Princess Aurora to Sol, currently my Daddy's oldest student, as she deserves to be the lead for a change, after all this time. Sol danced with us since she was a baby, was awarded a lifetime full scholarship when she was a teenager and pretty much became the fifth Jacinto kid, outlasting all the generations of students who had been through our doors. When Daddy choreographed Magdaragat for PBT in 1997, Sol was brought in to lead the corps de ballet and to help restage their steps (Daddy's choreography is so complex that he has a hard time remembering what he wants exactly).
Of course, since we Jacinto kids are always the most senior of the students, compounded by the fact that we're the children of the owners, whenever we restage a full length ballet for our recital, we're always cast in the lead. LIke, I've been the Sugarplum Fairy (The Nutcracker), Giselle (from the ballet of the same name), Odette the first two Swan Lakes and Odile for the third, the Lilac Fairy (The Sleeping Beauty). Jacqui has been Clara (when she was young and tiny enough) and Spanish Chocolate (The Nutcracker), Myrtha (Giselle), Odette and Odile, Princess Aurora. Sol on the other hand has never had a real lead role except for Odile in the second Swan Lake; she mostly gets the soloist roles such as Arabian Coffee (The Nutcracker), Peasant Pas de Deux girl (Giselle), Pas de Trois girl and Princess in the first and third Swan Lakes, Fairy of Passion and Bluebird (The Sleeping Beauty).
Sol actually doesn't want to be Aurora; I know she has always blanched at the prospect of dancing the lead because she doesn't think she's good enough. She's not like me, who's so "Of course, I can do that!" She has to be convinced that she can do it; like she was so reluctant to do the Black Swan pas de deux that she even wanted to switch on the night of the recital. Last Sunday, while I was teaching her the Aurora dances, I could tell she still had reservations. Jacqui and I are easing her into it, though.
So what are we dancing? Jacqui will take Sol's roles as Fairy of Passion and Bluebird. I will do Lilac Fairy again. For this production originally, Jacqui and I had switched our former dances, I would be Aurora and she would be Lilac Fairy. My dad is more interested in seeing Jacqui as the Bluebird so I'm doing Lilac again. I don't mind. The Lilac Fairy's variation in the Prologue will always be one of my favorite solos in the world, partly because everytime I perform it, it comes out perfect.
Jacqui and I had a tiny tiff over this variation. Well, not this variation exactly, but I had mentioned that I was having a hard time restaging Jacqui's dances as the Lilac Fairy because she was uncooperative and she got mad at me for saying that because she never showed me she was uncooperative. When I said she had at the very least been negative about it, she said it wasn't a picnic for me to nitpick over the Prologue variation and that my saying "Why can't you do that?" was annoying showing-off. I wasn't aware that I was showing off, I was sincerely confused why she was having a hard time getting her pirouettes in.
Since we're on the subject, it grated that when I objected, my mom overruled it with, "You are a show off. Even that foreign choreographer said so (before we disappeared from MB; the substory is I was doing double arabesque turns while the others wanted to do a single and he said, "Oh, don't worry about it if you want to do singles. Joelle's just showing off."). You show off because that's you." I'm still trying to decide if I should aspire for more humility or embrace my show-offiness. I mean, okay, I'll come off as vain and self-posessed, but honestly, what harm can that do?
Back to the Lilac Fairy. She has always been one of my favorite characters in ballet because she's the only benign being who's really in charge. Sure, Myrtha and Odile are powerful and command attention but they're driven by hate and malice. The Sugar Plum Fairy is benign, but her main function is to welcome the Nutcracker and Clara into the Kingdom of the Sweets and all she really does is dance the big number. All the other main characters are victims - Aurora, Giselle, Odette, Juliet. The Lilac Fairy can alter a fatal spell, she can make the bad fairy leave, she can put an entire kingdom to sleep so that its princess can wake up to friends. I even read an essay in college about the Sugar Plum Fairy being the only true feminist and the only true empowered woman in the classical ballet universe.
I would have wanted to dance Aurora for a change, but when we rehearsed the new line-up last Sunday, doing the Prologue variation felt like it was choreographed a century ago specifically for me to dance. Especially when, as I unfolded my left leg to the side and balance it en pointe in the first part of the solo, I heard my students whisper to each other, "Tingnan mo, o, nag-stay!" It's tuwa of another kind.
Pardon the showing off.
Of course, since we Jacinto kids are always the most senior of the students, compounded by the fact that we're the children of the owners, whenever we restage a full length ballet for our recital, we're always cast in the lead. LIke, I've been the Sugarplum Fairy (The Nutcracker), Giselle (from the ballet of the same name), Odette the first two Swan Lakes and Odile for the third, the Lilac Fairy (The Sleeping Beauty). Jacqui has been Clara (when she was young and tiny enough) and Spanish Chocolate (The Nutcracker), Myrtha (Giselle), Odette and Odile, Princess Aurora. Sol on the other hand has never had a real lead role except for Odile in the second Swan Lake; she mostly gets the soloist roles such as Arabian Coffee (The Nutcracker), Peasant Pas de Deux girl (Giselle), Pas de Trois girl and Princess in the first and third Swan Lakes, Fairy of Passion and Bluebird (The Sleeping Beauty).
Sol actually doesn't want to be Aurora; I know she has always blanched at the prospect of dancing the lead because she doesn't think she's good enough. She's not like me, who's so "Of course, I can do that!" She has to be convinced that she can do it; like she was so reluctant to do the Black Swan pas de deux that she even wanted to switch on the night of the recital. Last Sunday, while I was teaching her the Aurora dances, I could tell she still had reservations. Jacqui and I are easing her into it, though.
So what are we dancing? Jacqui will take Sol's roles as Fairy of Passion and Bluebird. I will do Lilac Fairy again. For this production originally, Jacqui and I had switched our former dances, I would be Aurora and she would be Lilac Fairy. My dad is more interested in seeing Jacqui as the Bluebird so I'm doing Lilac again. I don't mind. The Lilac Fairy's variation in the Prologue will always be one of my favorite solos in the world, partly because everytime I perform it, it comes out perfect.
Jacqui and I had a tiny tiff over this variation. Well, not this variation exactly, but I had mentioned that I was having a hard time restaging Jacqui's dances as the Lilac Fairy because she was uncooperative and she got mad at me for saying that because she never showed me she was uncooperative. When I said she had at the very least been negative about it, she said it wasn't a picnic for me to nitpick over the Prologue variation and that my saying "Why can't you do that?" was annoying showing-off. I wasn't aware that I was showing off, I was sincerely confused why she was having a hard time getting her pirouettes in.
Since we're on the subject, it grated that when I objected, my mom overruled it with, "You are a show off. Even that foreign choreographer said so (before we disappeared from MB; the substory is I was doing double arabesque turns while the others wanted to do a single and he said, "Oh, don't worry about it if you want to do singles. Joelle's just showing off."). You show off because that's you." I'm still trying to decide if I should aspire for more humility or embrace my show-offiness. I mean, okay, I'll come off as vain and self-posessed, but honestly, what harm can that do?
Back to the Lilac Fairy. She has always been one of my favorite characters in ballet because she's the only benign being who's really in charge. Sure, Myrtha and Odile are powerful and command attention but they're driven by hate and malice. The Sugar Plum Fairy is benign, but her main function is to welcome the Nutcracker and Clara into the Kingdom of the Sweets and all she really does is dance the big number. All the other main characters are victims - Aurora, Giselle, Odette, Juliet. The Lilac Fairy can alter a fatal spell, she can make the bad fairy leave, she can put an entire kingdom to sleep so that its princess can wake up to friends. I even read an essay in college about the Sugar Plum Fairy being the only true feminist and the only true empowered woman in the classical ballet universe.
I would have wanted to dance Aurora for a change, but when we rehearsed the new line-up last Sunday, doing the Prologue variation felt like it was choreographed a century ago specifically for me to dance. Especially when, as I unfolded my left leg to the side and balance it en pointe in the first part of the solo, I heard my students whisper to each other, "Tingnan mo, o, nag-stay!" It's tuwa of another kind.
Pardon the showing off.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
light like butterscotch
A few weeks ago, I had been able to tell that I wasn't in love, that I hadn't been in love in a long time. This realization brought in many different things into my life - I had stopped waiting, I had reestablished priorities, I had set a new course for myself that I feel good about. No more looking back at the past, but no grand designs of the future. Not yet anyway. I am happy.
Woke up, it was a chelsea morning, and the first thing that I heard
Was a song outside my window, and the traffic wrote the words
It came a-reeling up like christmas bells, and rapping up like pipes and drums
Oh, won’t you stay
We’ll put on the day
And we’ll wear it ’till the night comes
I walked in at 4:30 this morning and bump into my dad getting ready to go jogging. We have a Talk. Not quite the birds and the bees; much too late for the birds and the bees, but along those lines. It is too strange for a parent to want a discussion about your lovelife. It is stranger when said parent is benchpressing, um, I'm not sure how much but suffice to say, he used a lot of weights. It lasted all throughout his warm-up, he let me sleep while he jogged, then he woke me up again when he got back. I sat through this entire thing uncharacteristically without drama, just clarifying things that needed to be clarified. I nodded mostly. When he saw how sleepy I was, he let me back into bed.
Woke up, it was a chelsea morning, and the first thing that I saw
Was the sun through yellow curtains, and a rainbow on the wall
Blue, red, green and gold to welcome you, crimson crystal beads to beckon
Oh, won’t you stay
We’ll put on the day
There’s a sun show every second
Normally, I would be very livid or drained or depressed or suicidal after such a talk with my father. Instead, I'm singing this song.
Woke up, it was a chelsea morning, and the first thing that I knew
There was milk and toast and honey and a bowl of oranges, too
And the sun poured in like butterscotch and stuck to all my senses
Oh, won’t you stay
We’ll put on the day
And we’ll talk in present tenses
Woke up, it was a chelsea morning, and the first thing that I heard
Was a song outside my window, and the traffic wrote the words
It came a-reeling up like christmas bells, and rapping up like pipes and drums
Oh, won’t you stay
We’ll put on the day
And we’ll wear it ’till the night comes
I walked in at 4:30 this morning and bump into my dad getting ready to go jogging. We have a Talk. Not quite the birds and the bees; much too late for the birds and the bees, but along those lines. It is too strange for a parent to want a discussion about your lovelife. It is stranger when said parent is benchpressing, um, I'm not sure how much but suffice to say, he used a lot of weights. It lasted all throughout his warm-up, he let me sleep while he jogged, then he woke me up again when he got back. I sat through this entire thing uncharacteristically without drama, just clarifying things that needed to be clarified. I nodded mostly. When he saw how sleepy I was, he let me back into bed.
Woke up, it was a chelsea morning, and the first thing that I saw
Was the sun through yellow curtains, and a rainbow on the wall
Blue, red, green and gold to welcome you, crimson crystal beads to beckon
Oh, won’t you stay
We’ll put on the day
There’s a sun show every second
Normally, I would be very livid or drained or depressed or suicidal after such a talk with my father. Instead, I'm singing this song.
Woke up, it was a chelsea morning, and the first thing that I knew
There was milk and toast and honey and a bowl of oranges, too
And the sun poured in like butterscotch and stuck to all my senses
Oh, won’t you stay
We’ll put on the day
And we’ll talk in present tenses
Friday, October 15, 2004
things I've done and not done
A meme I'd rather post here. Directions are bold the items that you've done. And I've done a lot, come to think of it.
01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink.
02. Swum with wild dolphins.
03. Climbed a mountain.
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive.
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid.
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone.
08. Said "I love you" and meant it. Hmmm, I like that this is my first thing I've done on this list so far.
09. Hugged a tree.
10. Done a striptease.
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise.
15. Seen the Northern Lights.
16. Gone to a huge sports game. Shell vs Tanduay!
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa.
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables.
19. Touched an iceberg.
20. Slept under the stars.
21. Changed a baby's diaper.
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon.
23. Watched a meteor shower.
24. Gotten drunk on champagne.
25. Given more than I can afford to charity.
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope. Through the hugest telescope in Asia (tama ba?)
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment. During my job interview with the Big Boss of Pinoycentral. He hired me and then would tell people how I laughed at him all throughout the interview.
28. Had a food fight.
29. Bet on a winning horse.
30. Taken a sick day when I wasn't ill. Had a show, hehe.
31. Asked out a stranger.
32. Had a snowball fight.
33. Photocopied my bottom on the office photocopier.
34. Screamed as loudly as I possibly could.
35. Held a lamb.
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy.
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip.
38. Taken an ice cold bath. Never again.
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar.
40. Seen a total eclipse.
41. Ridden a roller coaster.
42. Hit a home run.
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days. BV transitions at PC and my last week in Sony.
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking.
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day. I yus Irish. Shite!
46. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors.
47. Actually felt happy about my life, even for just a moment. I'm happy now.
48. Had two hard drives for my computer.
49. Visited all fifty states.
50. Loved your job for all accounts. But it comes and goes. Hehe, it feels like I'm cheating, for all accounts nga eh.
51. Taken care of someone who was shit-faced. Does shit-faced mean totally absolutely drunk or that they have shit on their face? I took care of Lucas this one night he downed Jack Daniels shots like water.
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
53. Had amazing friends. Have, present tense.
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country.
55. Watched wild whales.
56. Stolen a sign. But it was one of those Reserved Seat signs in the auditorium of the College of Music. I taped it to my chest, made people laugh.
57. Backpacked in Europe.
58. Taken a road-trip.
59. Gone rock climbing.
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice.
61. Taken a midnight walk on the beach. Bora with Kitch.
62. Gone sky diving.
63. Visited Ireland.
64. Been heartbroken longer than I was actually in love. Yes and it sucks.
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them.
66. Visited Japan.
67. Benchpressed my own weight.
68. Milked a cow.
69. Alphabetized my records.
70. Pretended to be a superhero. When I was a kid, yes. Though I still sometimes think I'm the Black Widow.
71. Sung karaoke.
72. Lounged around in bed all day.
73. Posed nude in front (for) of strangers.
74. Gone scuba diving.
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye.
76. Kissed in the rain.
77. Played in the mud.
78. Played in the rain.
79. Gone to a drive-in theater.
80. Done something I should regret, but don't regret it. People keep telling me I'll regret quitting my good high paying job. I'm still waiting for it to happen.
81. Visited the Great Wall of China.
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about my blog has discovered my blog.
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better.
84. Started a business.
85. Fallen in love and not had my heart broken.
86. Toured ancient sites.
87. Taken a martial arts class.
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman.
89. Played D&D for more than six hours straight.
90. Gotten married.
91. Been in a movie. It was a short film for a friend's class project, I rolled some weed. If music videos count as movies, I've been in two.
92. Crashed a party.
93. Loved someone I shouldn't have.
94. Kissed someone so passionately, it made them dizzy. Haha, or at least I like to think so.
95. Gotten divorced.
96. Had sex at the office.
97. Gone without food for five days.
98. Made cookies from scratch.
99. Won first prize in a costume contest.
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
101. Got a tattoo.
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn me on.
103. Rafted the Snake River.
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert." Actually, it was a Radio talk show. But I was considered an "expert" even though I wasn't haha.
105. Got flowers for no reason. From the ex who turned out to be psycopathic. Don't trust those sweet flower-givers anymore.
106. Masturbated in a public place.
107. Got so drunk I don't remember anything.
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug.
109. Performed on stage. More than a thousand times, I think.
110. Been to Las Vegas.
111. Recorded music.
112. Eaten shark. Sharksfin siomai count?
113. Had a one-night stand.
114. Gone to Thailand.
115. Seen Siouxsie live.
116. Bought a house.
117. Been in a combat zone.
118. Buried one/both of my parents.
119. Shaved or waxed off my pubic hair.
120. Been on a cruise ship.
121. Spoken more than one language fluently. - I can't even speak Tagalog fluently.
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone.
123. Bounced a check.
124. Performed in Rocky Horror. But just as an audience member doing the Time Warp.
125. Read - and understood - my credit report.
126. Raised children.
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy.
128. Followed my favorite band/singer on tour. Does it count if you were a girlfriend at the time? If not, it's still happened, with a couple other bands. It was part of my former job after all.
129. Created and named my own constellation of stars.
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country.
131. Found out something significant that my ancestors did. I'm entranced by the entire Babaylan thing.
132. Called or written my Congress person.
133. Picked up and moved to another city just to start over.
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge.
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when I knew someone was looking.
137. Had an abortion, or my female partner did.
138. Had plastic surgery.
139. Survived an accident that I shouldn't have survived.
140. Written articles for a large publication. Though Mayo might not count Malaya as large, haha.
141. Lost over one hundred pounds.
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback.
142a. Had a flashback.
143. Piloted an airplane.
144. Petted a stingray.
145. Broken someone's heart.
146. Helped an animal give birth.
147. Been fired or laid off from a job.
148. Won money on a T.V. game show.
149. Broken a bone.
150. Killed a human being.
151. Gone on an African photo safari.
152. Ridden a motorcycle. Once and never again. Not even if Nino is grinning at me with a come-hither look from under his helmet.
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than one hundred miles-per-hour.
154. Had a body part of mine below the neck pierced.
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol.
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild.
157. Ridden a horse.
158. Had major surgery. - Does getting a large gash on your head stitched up major surgery? No, diba?
159. Had sex on a moving train.
160. Had a snake as a pet.
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing. - I like plane rides too much.
163. Slept for more than thirty hours over the course of forty-eight hours.
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states.
165. Visited all seven continents.
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than two days.
167. Eaten kangaroo meat.
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground.
169. Been a sperm or egg donor.
170. Eaten sushi.
171. Had my picture in the newspaper.
172. Had two (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in my lifetime.
173. Changed someone's mind about something about which I care deeply.
174. Got someone fired for their actions.
175. Gone back to school. For my MA.
176. Parasailed.
177. Changed my name. When I was a kid, I made people call me Angelica. When I worked with PC, I was known as Marci. Who likes Drummers. Hahahahahahaha... sorry, private joke.
178. Petted a cockroach.
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes.
180. Read The Iliad.
181. Selected one "important" author who I missed in school, and read.
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because my apartment needed them.
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because I did it so many times, they figured out it was I.
184. Taught myself an art from scratch.
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt.
187. Skipped all my school reunions.
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language.
189. Been elected to public office.
190. Written my own computer language.
191. Thought to myself that I'm living my dream. In ballet class, everyday.
192. Had to put someone I love into hospice care.
193. Built my own PC from parts.
194. Sold my own artwork to someone who didn't know me.
195. Had a booth at a street fair. Does the Quill booksale and tarot booth in AS walk count?
196. Dyed my hair.
197. Been a DJ. On internet radio.
198. Found out someone was going to dump me via LiveJournal.
199. Written your own role playing game.
200. Been arrested.
85. Fallen in love and not had my heart broken. - I want to do this one day. I'm optimistic.
01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink.
02. Swum with wild dolphins.
03. Climbed a mountain.
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive.
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid.
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone.
08. Said "I love you" and meant it. Hmmm, I like that this is my first thing I've done on this list so far.
09. Hugged a tree.
10. Done a striptease.
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise.
15. Seen the Northern Lights.
16. Gone to a huge sports game. Shell vs Tanduay!
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa.
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables.
19. Touched an iceberg.
20. Slept under the stars.
21. Changed a baby's diaper.
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon.
23. Watched a meteor shower.
24. Gotten drunk on champagne.
25. Given more than I can afford to charity.
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope. Through the hugest telescope in Asia (tama ba?)
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment. During my job interview with the Big Boss of Pinoycentral. He hired me and then would tell people how I laughed at him all throughout the interview.
28. Had a food fight.
29. Bet on a winning horse.
30. Taken a sick day when I wasn't ill. Had a show, hehe.
31. Asked out a stranger.
32. Had a snowball fight.
33. Photocopied my bottom on the office photocopier.
34. Screamed as loudly as I possibly could.
35. Held a lamb.
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy.
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip.
38. Taken an ice cold bath. Never again.
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar.
40. Seen a total eclipse.
41. Ridden a roller coaster.
42. Hit a home run.
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days. BV transitions at PC and my last week in Sony.
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking.
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day. I yus Irish. Shite!
46. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors.
47. Actually felt happy about my life, even for just a moment. I'm happy now.
48. Had two hard drives for my computer.
49. Visited all fifty states.
50. Loved your job for all accounts. But it comes and goes. Hehe, it feels like I'm cheating, for all accounts nga eh.
51. Taken care of someone who was shit-faced. Does shit-faced mean totally absolutely drunk or that they have shit on their face? I took care of Lucas this one night he downed Jack Daniels shots like water.
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
53. Had amazing friends. Have, present tense.
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country.
55. Watched wild whales.
56. Stolen a sign. But it was one of those Reserved Seat signs in the auditorium of the College of Music. I taped it to my chest, made people laugh.
57. Backpacked in Europe.
58. Taken a road-trip.
59. Gone rock climbing.
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice.
61. Taken a midnight walk on the beach. Bora with Kitch.
62. Gone sky diving.
63. Visited Ireland.
64. Been heartbroken longer than I was actually in love. Yes and it sucks.
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them.
66. Visited Japan.
67. Benchpressed my own weight.
68. Milked a cow.
69. Alphabetized my records.
70. Pretended to be a superhero. When I was a kid, yes. Though I still sometimes think I'm the Black Widow.
71. Sung karaoke.
72. Lounged around in bed all day.
73. Posed nude in front (for) of strangers.
74. Gone scuba diving.
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye.
76. Kissed in the rain.
77. Played in the mud.
78. Played in the rain.
79. Gone to a drive-in theater.
80. Done something I should regret, but don't regret it. People keep telling me I'll regret quitting my good high paying job. I'm still waiting for it to happen.
81. Visited the Great Wall of China.
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about my blog has discovered my blog.
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better.
84. Started a business.
85. Fallen in love and not had my heart broken.
86. Toured ancient sites.
87. Taken a martial arts class.
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman.
89. Played D&D for more than six hours straight.
90. Gotten married.
91. Been in a movie. It was a short film for a friend's class project, I rolled some weed. If music videos count as movies, I've been in two.
92. Crashed a party.
93. Loved someone I shouldn't have.
94. Kissed someone so passionately, it made them dizzy. Haha, or at least I like to think so.
95. Gotten divorced.
96. Had sex at the office.
97. Gone without food for five days.
98. Made cookies from scratch.
99. Won first prize in a costume contest.
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
101. Got a tattoo.
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn me on.
103. Rafted the Snake River.
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert." Actually, it was a Radio talk show. But I was considered an "expert" even though I wasn't haha.
105. Got flowers for no reason. From the ex who turned out to be psycopathic. Don't trust those sweet flower-givers anymore.
106. Masturbated in a public place.
107. Got so drunk I don't remember anything.
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug.
109. Performed on stage. More than a thousand times, I think.
110. Been to Las Vegas.
111. Recorded music.
112. Eaten shark. Sharksfin siomai count?
113. Had a one-night stand.
114. Gone to Thailand.
115. Seen Siouxsie live.
116. Bought a house.
117. Been in a combat zone.
118. Buried one/both of my parents.
119. Shaved or waxed off my pubic hair.
120. Been on a cruise ship.
121. Spoken more than one language fluently. - I can't even speak Tagalog fluently.
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone.
123. Bounced a check.
124. Performed in Rocky Horror. But just as an audience member doing the Time Warp.
125. Read - and understood - my credit report.
126. Raised children.
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy.
128. Followed my favorite band/singer on tour. Does it count if you were a girlfriend at the time? If not, it's still happened, with a couple other bands. It was part of my former job after all.
129. Created and named my own constellation of stars.
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country.
131. Found out something significant that my ancestors did. I'm entranced by the entire Babaylan thing.
132. Called or written my Congress person.
133. Picked up and moved to another city just to start over.
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge.
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when I knew someone was looking.
137. Had an abortion, or my female partner did.
138. Had plastic surgery.
139. Survived an accident that I shouldn't have survived.
140. Written articles for a large publication. Though Mayo might not count Malaya as large, haha.
141. Lost over one hundred pounds.
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback.
142a. Had a flashback.
143. Piloted an airplane.
144. Petted a stingray.
145. Broken someone's heart.
146. Helped an animal give birth.
147. Been fired or laid off from a job.
148. Won money on a T.V. game show.
149. Broken a bone.
150. Killed a human being.
151. Gone on an African photo safari.
152. Ridden a motorcycle. Once and never again. Not even if Nino is grinning at me with a come-hither look from under his helmet.
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than one hundred miles-per-hour.
154. Had a body part of mine below the neck pierced.
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol.
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild.
157. Ridden a horse.
158. Had major surgery. - Does getting a large gash on your head stitched up major surgery? No, diba?
159. Had sex on a moving train.
160. Had a snake as a pet.
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing. - I like plane rides too much.
163. Slept for more than thirty hours over the course of forty-eight hours.
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states.
165. Visited all seven continents.
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than two days.
167. Eaten kangaroo meat.
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground.
169. Been a sperm or egg donor.
170. Eaten sushi.
171. Had my picture in the newspaper.
172. Had two (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in my lifetime.
173. Changed someone's mind about something about which I care deeply.
174. Got someone fired for their actions.
175. Gone back to school. For my MA.
176. Parasailed.
177. Changed my name. When I was a kid, I made people call me Angelica. When I worked with PC, I was known as Marci. Who likes Drummers. Hahahahahahaha... sorry, private joke.
178. Petted a cockroach.
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes.
180. Read The Iliad.
181. Selected one "important" author who I missed in school, and read.
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because my apartment needed them.
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because I did it so many times, they figured out it was I.
184. Taught myself an art from scratch.
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt.
187. Skipped all my school reunions.
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language.
189. Been elected to public office.
190. Written my own computer language.
191. Thought to myself that I'm living my dream. In ballet class, everyday.
192. Had to put someone I love into hospice care.
193. Built my own PC from parts.
194. Sold my own artwork to someone who didn't know me.
195. Had a booth at a street fair. Does the Quill booksale and tarot booth in AS walk count?
196. Dyed my hair.
197. Been a DJ. On internet radio.
198. Found out someone was going to dump me via LiveJournal.
199. Written your own role playing game.
200. Been arrested.
85. Fallen in love and not had my heart broken. - I want to do this one day. I'm optimistic.
*boom* Ooooooh! Fortunaaaaaaa! *boom*
Danced Fiesta the other day in Intramuros. We were the finale and I believe the audience was happy to see us. I would say it was a great performance; I didn't make any obvious mistakes and I had fun. I count those as bad performances when I'm worried the entire time that I'm going to do something wrong; at this show, there were moments that were "Hey!!!" with worry, but overall, I was smiling (I'm supposed to be smiling) and it was heartfelt.
A nice moment. My solo (I have a solo in the middle of the coda of around 2 eights; it's just me and Sydney who have solos in the coda) ends with a held arabesque penchee. That's when my lifted leg is almost perpendicular to the floor, almost a straight vertical line with the leg that's still on the floor, and my body is bent forward to let my leg go higher. The first time I did this pose for Fiesta was also in Intramuros, on a different stage, and I almost fell because the floor was uneven and I couldn't find my balance. I saved it, but I wasn't happy with it. This time, I dipped into the penchee perfectly and held the pose long enough to get appreciative gasps from the audience and I heard a camera snapping in front of me. I want a copy of that!
Started rehearsals for Carmina Burana last night. I still know Fortuna even if it's been a year. I think I can probably dance Fortuna in my sleep. Casting's up and I'm not in the Masks dance anymore, I was promoted to Veni Veni. While it's a good thing that I'm promoted to Veni Veni and I do want to dance it, I will miss the Masks dance. An interesting trade off.
I will never complain about dance again. This is where I belong, definitely.
A nice moment. My solo (I have a solo in the middle of the coda of around 2 eights; it's just me and Sydney who have solos in the coda) ends with a held arabesque penchee. That's when my lifted leg is almost perpendicular to the floor, almost a straight vertical line with the leg that's still on the floor, and my body is bent forward to let my leg go higher. The first time I did this pose for Fiesta was also in Intramuros, on a different stage, and I almost fell because the floor was uneven and I couldn't find my balance. I saved it, but I wasn't happy with it. This time, I dipped into the penchee perfectly and held the pose long enough to get appreciative gasps from the audience and I heard a camera snapping in front of me. I want a copy of that!
Started rehearsals for Carmina Burana last night. I still know Fortuna even if it's been a year. I think I can probably dance Fortuna in my sleep. Casting's up and I'm not in the Masks dance anymore, I was promoted to Veni Veni. While it's a good thing that I'm promoted to Veni Veni and I do want to dance it, I will miss the Masks dance. An interesting trade off.
I will never complain about dance again. This is where I belong, definitely.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
what a beautiful day for dancing
I have to wake up relatively earlier than I normally do because we have a show tomorrow. We have a show tomorrow. Damn, it feels good saying that. Well, technically, we have a show in twelve hours and I have to be at ballet class in seven. So by all rights, I shouldn't be sitting at the computer blogging, I should get my beauty sleep. It's kinda hard to think I need beauty sleep right now though, as I'm just fizzing over with happy cola.
Before the incident that had me killing my old blog, Kit had lent me a DVD of The Company - a Neve Campbell movie showcasing the lives of ballet dancers in the Joffrey Ballet. It was a semi-abstract Robert Altman film that didn't have a real plot, being more of a Season in the Life of the Joffrey Ballet. Which is the best way to show the life of a ballet dancer, I think, more than Turning Pointe or Center Stage. Because a dancer's story doesn't end after an important performance, The Company showed Neve Campbell dance her important performance and then showed how nothing really changed much for her afterwards - she still had to work hard and strive for the roles that were still dangling in front of her. It's true what my Dad says: a dancer is only as good as her/his last show. So we dance again after that last show.
My sister didn't care much for the movie outside the dancing parts - she contends that it would have been more interesting if it had a plot. But I think it kinda did anyway. In The Company, Neve Campbell (if you've reached this far and are still asking "Neve Campbell can dance ballet?" well get over it, she's actually good, though she could make more fluid movements with her upper body) is on the brink of becoming a Principal, meaning she's getting more and more important roles. Luck gives her the lead in a Lar Lubovitch ballet and that performance is given an ovation and lots of praise at the after-party. Then she goes home alone and cries herself to sleep because her ex decided to talk to her at the after-party and she had to pretend that she was okay with him breaking up with her for another dancer. She had the biggest performance of her career, the performance that could change her status in the company, and yet she's crying herself to sleep because she feels so lonely.
At many points of the movie, I thought that she was like me. This was during the time I saw this movie. I was on the brink of getting better roles and there were so many things going against me (well, are actually, because these things still exist) - I don't have a specific body type, favoritism, manipulative co-dancers. And she cared so much and she was just getting this complex about how underrated she is. Well, it could be that I just assumed she was getting all depressed because I was more looking at an analogy and I careered it to make me feel better about myself.
When we went back to dancing, we promised Daddy that we will not complain or whine about dancing anymore, we will just dance. It makes sense - if I'm not happy and I have stuff to complain about, why am I dancing then? I realized, in my time away from dancing, that all the bad shit that goes on is not worth leaving altogether. I feel so grown up now.
In the movie, Neve Campbell meets James Franco, a restaurant chef and yes the same guy who played Harry Osborne in Spiderman. She falls in love and loses much of the angst she used to hold on too tightly too much to. See, love rocks. Whether it's the process or the man, or heaven help us, both. I liked how Neve Campbell still strove to become the best dancer she could be but since she was in love, she didn't care about the bad things about dance anymore. She was happy.
Kit and I are friends again. Perhaps not like before, but friends nevertheless. I am dancing with her in a trio in Carmina Burana; in the dance, we have to move like one. I am up to the task.
Before the incident that had me killing my old blog, Kit had lent me a DVD of The Company - a Neve Campbell movie showcasing the lives of ballet dancers in the Joffrey Ballet. It was a semi-abstract Robert Altman film that didn't have a real plot, being more of a Season in the Life of the Joffrey Ballet. Which is the best way to show the life of a ballet dancer, I think, more than Turning Pointe or Center Stage. Because a dancer's story doesn't end after an important performance, The Company showed Neve Campbell dance her important performance and then showed how nothing really changed much for her afterwards - she still had to work hard and strive for the roles that were still dangling in front of her. It's true what my Dad says: a dancer is only as good as her/his last show. So we dance again after that last show.
My sister didn't care much for the movie outside the dancing parts - she contends that it would have been more interesting if it had a plot. But I think it kinda did anyway. In The Company, Neve Campbell (if you've reached this far and are still asking "Neve Campbell can dance ballet?" well get over it, she's actually good, though she could make more fluid movements with her upper body) is on the brink of becoming a Principal, meaning she's getting more and more important roles. Luck gives her the lead in a Lar Lubovitch ballet and that performance is given an ovation and lots of praise at the after-party. Then she goes home alone and cries herself to sleep because her ex decided to talk to her at the after-party and she had to pretend that she was okay with him breaking up with her for another dancer. She had the biggest performance of her career, the performance that could change her status in the company, and yet she's crying herself to sleep because she feels so lonely.
At many points of the movie, I thought that she was like me. This was during the time I saw this movie. I was on the brink of getting better roles and there were so many things going against me (well, are actually, because these things still exist) - I don't have a specific body type, favoritism, manipulative co-dancers. And she cared so much and she was just getting this complex about how underrated she is. Well, it could be that I just assumed she was getting all depressed because I was more looking at an analogy and I careered it to make me feel better about myself.
When we went back to dancing, we promised Daddy that we will not complain or whine about dancing anymore, we will just dance. It makes sense - if I'm not happy and I have stuff to complain about, why am I dancing then? I realized, in my time away from dancing, that all the bad shit that goes on is not worth leaving altogether. I feel so grown up now.
In the movie, Neve Campbell meets James Franco, a restaurant chef and yes the same guy who played Harry Osborne in Spiderman. She falls in love and loses much of the angst she used to hold on too tightly too much to. See, love rocks. Whether it's the process or the man, or heaven help us, both. I liked how Neve Campbell still strove to become the best dancer she could be but since she was in love, she didn't care about the bad things about dance anymore. She was happy.
Kit and I are friends again. Perhaps not like before, but friends nevertheless. I am dancing with her in a trio in Carmina Burana; in the dance, we have to move like one. I am up to the task.
Friday, October 08, 2004
love, magic realism style
She understood more than he was capable of saying. She looked at him without fear and asked why he did not have the patch over his eye.
"I don't need it anymore," he said, encouraged. "Now when I close my eyes I see hair like a river of gold."
I'm quite obsessed with the entire being-in-love concept thingy these days. Like I'm reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Of Love and Other Demons and I got to the part where Cayetano Delaura has admitted his love for Sierva Maria to her and he's inflamed because he can't see her anymore and the church has punished him for falling in love with her in the first place, as she's supposed to be possessed by the devil even though it was really just a slight case of rabies and Cayetano is supposed to exorcise the demon.
Soon, it's a regular relationship. He feverishly endures the day, working quickly with scrubbing up the lepers he is bound to as punishment, praying that night will fall early, to sneak into Sierva Maria's cell in the Clarissan abbey she is imprisoned in. She in turn impatiently waits for Cayetano all day, unable to breathe until he arrives. They spend the night in each other's arms, whispering romantic verses to each other in Spanish until they discover kissing and that's all they want to do. They get only around an hour of decent sleep before the sun rises and he has to leave. They do this every day. They also dream of the future, when the Bishop blesses Sierva Maria and declares her as a child of God again and Cayetano will live out his punishment and ask to be transferred to one of those new age parishes where priests can marry and it won't be thought of as strange. Normal stuff People In Love do.
And then the Bishop takes the responsibility of the exorcism upon himself and the pain and terror starts again. At this point, I closed the book and I'm not looking forward to continuing. I know I'll have to, but it just breaks my heart. This doesn't look like those happy ending things. That Gabriel Garcia Marquez sure knows his shit.
Have to admit, it's not a bad way for love to end. I'd rather whatever happens in the last pages of the book than just realizing that being far away from each other too much can really jump up and bite you in the ass. I'd rather whatever happens in the last pages of the book than disenchantment, demystification, falling out of love. Cayetano sees a river of gold when he closes his eyes, for goodness sake. Love rocks.
"I don't need it anymore," he said, encouraged. "Now when I close my eyes I see hair like a river of gold."
I'm quite obsessed with the entire being-in-love concept thingy these days. Like I'm reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Of Love and Other Demons and I got to the part where Cayetano Delaura has admitted his love for Sierva Maria to her and he's inflamed because he can't see her anymore and the church has punished him for falling in love with her in the first place, as she's supposed to be possessed by the devil even though it was really just a slight case of rabies and Cayetano is supposed to exorcise the demon.
Soon, it's a regular relationship. He feverishly endures the day, working quickly with scrubbing up the lepers he is bound to as punishment, praying that night will fall early, to sneak into Sierva Maria's cell in the Clarissan abbey she is imprisoned in. She in turn impatiently waits for Cayetano all day, unable to breathe until he arrives. They spend the night in each other's arms, whispering romantic verses to each other in Spanish until they discover kissing and that's all they want to do. They get only around an hour of decent sleep before the sun rises and he has to leave. They do this every day. They also dream of the future, when the Bishop blesses Sierva Maria and declares her as a child of God again and Cayetano will live out his punishment and ask to be transferred to one of those new age parishes where priests can marry and it won't be thought of as strange. Normal stuff People In Love do.
And then the Bishop takes the responsibility of the exorcism upon himself and the pain and terror starts again. At this point, I closed the book and I'm not looking forward to continuing. I know I'll have to, but it just breaks my heart. This doesn't look like those happy ending things. That Gabriel Garcia Marquez sure knows his shit.
Have to admit, it's not a bad way for love to end. I'd rather whatever happens in the last pages of the book than just realizing that being far away from each other too much can really jump up and bite you in the ass. I'd rather whatever happens in the last pages of the book than disenchantment, demystification, falling out of love. Cayetano sees a river of gold when he closes his eyes, for goodness sake. Love rocks.
here with me
You know how a certain song becomes a sign for you in the middle of a troubled relationship, how it seems to come into your life at key moments when you think you should bow out already, how it reminds you of the good things, how it reminds you that you promised that person a few things and you want to hold on to it? And then you see the video of the song come on the TV and all you think is, "Dido has such pretty eye makeup." And only at this realization, that this is all that comes to mind now, do you become really sad. I needed those three years, I guess. No regrets.
damn, Spike is dead
They made it so in Buffy the Vampire Slayer for any girl who could potentially be a vampire slayer to have the power to fight evil, just to give Buffy a break and finally end the series. Ending the series involved killing Anya (she was sliced across the body from shoulder to waist, ouch, it was unbelievable how that happened - I am always stunned whenever they kill off one of the potential slayers, so of course it would be too much for me to see them kill off a character I actually care about), running Sunnydale to the ground till it pretty much doesn't exist anymore, and killing Spike. Yes, folks, they KILLED SPIKE. Damn. That moment where he was dusted/erupted from the heat of the sun was a scene I never thought I'd see and even though I knew it was going to happen (in the current season of Angel, Spike returns from the dead to join the cast), it was too much for me to actually see. But I liked that part where Buffy finally tells him that she loved him. That made up for him dying, I should think. All in all, it was a good ending to one of my favorite shows. *Applause*
Thursday, October 07, 2004
woohoo, i'm fabulous!
You're Jai, the Culture Guy!
Which Member of the 'Queer Eye' Fab Five Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm not surprised that I'm Jai, I would be the culture girl in any situation. Then again, the Queer Eye quizzes in Quizilla are mostly giveaways (what are you most interested in? clothes? grooming? culture? interior design? food and wine? Can you be more obvious?), this quiz I took was the least giveaway of the lot. I guess I didn't really need a quiz to tell me that I'm more into culture than grooming, interior design, food and wine, or fashion, especially fashion. Sometimes, I even think that I need a Queer Eye makeover myself.
This will segue into how much I love that show. I love smart fags, I can't help myself. I've even fallen in love with a couple of them on occasion. I can't even choose which one of the fab five I love most. I love Kyan, the grooming guy, basically because he's so beautiful. I love Thom, the interior design guy, because he looks so serious but has the most panalo retorts. I love Ted, the food and wine guy, because he's the least gay-seeming of all of them, but from the way he's such a genius about food and dining, you're sure he has to be gay. I love Carson, the fashion guy and the most fun, because he reminds me of the wonderful mamas in the ballet world. I love Jai because how can you not love a guy who announces, "This is the standard way to enter a dance club..." and then slides in on his knees?
There's a rumor that there might be a Pinoy version of Queer Eye. I think I might gag at that. There are a lot of fun Pinoy queers who may be just as witty and fun as the Fab Five, but it's going to be a very arbitrary process of selection, I believe. I hope they don't make a mess of it.
For Each of You
Be who you are and will be
learn to cherish that boistrous Black Angel that drives you
up one day and down another
protecting the place where your power rises
running like hot blood
from the same source
as your pain.
When you are hungry
learn to eat
whatever sustains you
until morning
but do not be misled by details
simply because you live them.
Do not let your head deny
your hands
any memory of what passes through them
nor your eyes
nor your heart
everything can be useful
except what is wasteful
(you will need
to remember this when you are accused of destruction.)
Even when they are dangerous
examine the heart of those machines you hate
before you discard them
and never mourn the lack of their power
lest you be condemned
to relive them.
If you do not learn to hate
you will never be lonely enough
to love easily
nor will you always be brave
although it does not grow any easier
Do not pretend to convenient beliefs
even when they are righteous
you will never be able to defend your city
while shouting.
Remember our sun
is not the most noteworthy star
only the nearest.
Respect whatever pain you bring back
from your dreaming
but do not look for new gods
in the sea
nor in any part of a rainbow
Each time you love
love as deeply
as if it were forever
only nothing is eternal.
Speak proudly to your children
where ever you may find them
tell them
you are the offspring of slaves
and your mother was
a princess
in darkness.
- Audre Lorde
in From a Land Where Other People Live
I post this poem here because something is happening in the universe and a bunch of friends need to hear sections of this poem - one friend needs the section about hating, another friend needs the section about being hungry, another friend could use the don't look for new god(dese)s in the sea part (then again, why shouldn't he enjoy the new goddess in the sea? I say, go straight to the love as deeply as if it were forever part).
I also post this poem here because I need it myself, I need the part where I must respect whatever pain I brought back from my dreaming. But, like I said, something is happening in the universe. The next time I love, it's going to be as if it were forever. The universe should get ready.
learn to cherish that boistrous Black Angel that drives you
up one day and down another
protecting the place where your power rises
running like hot blood
from the same source
as your pain.
When you are hungry
learn to eat
whatever sustains you
until morning
but do not be misled by details
simply because you live them.
Do not let your head deny
your hands
any memory of what passes through them
nor your eyes
nor your heart
everything can be useful
except what is wasteful
(you will need
to remember this when you are accused of destruction.)
Even when they are dangerous
examine the heart of those machines you hate
before you discard them
and never mourn the lack of their power
lest you be condemned
to relive them.
If you do not learn to hate
you will never be lonely enough
to love easily
nor will you always be brave
although it does not grow any easier
Do not pretend to convenient beliefs
even when they are righteous
you will never be able to defend your city
while shouting.
Remember our sun
is not the most noteworthy star
only the nearest.
Respect whatever pain you bring back
from your dreaming
but do not look for new gods
in the sea
nor in any part of a rainbow
Each time you love
love as deeply
as if it were forever
only nothing is eternal.
Speak proudly to your children
where ever you may find them
tell them
you are the offspring of slaves
and your mother was
a princess
in darkness.
- Audre Lorde
in From a Land Where Other People Live
I post this poem here because something is happening in the universe and a bunch of friends need to hear sections of this poem - one friend needs the section about hating, another friend needs the section about being hungry, another friend could use the don't look for new god(dese)s in the sea part (then again, why shouldn't he enjoy the new goddess in the sea? I say, go straight to the love as deeply as if it were forever part).
I also post this poem here because I need it myself, I need the part where I must respect whatever pain I brought back from my dreaming. But, like I said, something is happening in the universe. The next time I love, it's going to be as if it were forever. The universe should get ready.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
"It has nothing to do with me."
This is why I love Spike on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. And how I've always imagined it should be for a hundred year old vampire to love, to really love, somebody. We should all be so lucky.
SPIKE
You listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine and done things I’d prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain so I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You.
(He reaches up to touch her face but she turns away.)
Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman.
(Tears stream down her cheeks as she stares down at him kneeling before her.)
You’re the one, Buffy.
BUFFY
I don’t want to be the one.
SPIKE
I don’t want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.
(She smiles a little in spite of herself.)
You get some rest now.
(He stands and heads for the door.)
I’ll check in before first light. You can decide how you want—
BUFFY
Spike?
(He stops and turns back.)
Could you stay here?
SPIKE
Sure.
(He shrugs out of his coat and tosses it on a rumpled sofa.)
That diabolical torture device, the comfy chair. Do me fine.
BUFFY
No. I mean… here. Will you just hold me?
(He nods and crosses over to the bed, sitting down with his back against the headboard. He wraps his arms around her and she curls up against him and drifts off to sleep.)
SPIKE
You listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine and done things I’d prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain so I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You.
(He reaches up to touch her face but she turns away.)
Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman.
(Tears stream down her cheeks as she stares down at him kneeling before her.)
You’re the one, Buffy.
BUFFY
I don’t want to be the one.
SPIKE
I don’t want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.
(She smiles a little in spite of herself.)
You get some rest now.
(He stands and heads for the door.)
I’ll check in before first light. You can decide how you want—
BUFFY
Spike?
(He stops and turns back.)
Could you stay here?
SPIKE
Sure.
(He shrugs out of his coat and tosses it on a rumpled sofa.)
That diabolical torture device, the comfy chair. Do me fine.
BUFFY
No. I mean… here. Will you just hold me?
(He nods and crosses over to the bed, sitting down with his back against the headboard. He wraps his arms around her and she curls up against him and drifts off to sleep.)
Monday, October 04, 2004
happy happy joy joy
This is me. Lucas took it while practicing motion shots with his camera, I was his guinea pig. He doesn't like this shot because I'm on my way down, he is frustrated that he wasn't able to catch me at the peak of my jump. I don't care. I'm posting this here now, because I am coming back to ballet today and this picture is the best illustration of how I feel.
That's all.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
i'm done.
I don't want to post about guys anymore. It was escapism from posting about my life and I think I have to get out of this rut some way or other. It does seem that the universe is unfolding somehow, which is really good.
Sometime during the week, I was resorting all these old college things and found a lot of things I had forgotten I had. Stories I wrote, readings I set aside, programmes from ballets I had seen, application forms to universities in Italy, New York and Dallas (gee, how'd I get that, I wonder... ;P). The stories and fragments of would-be stories were in around 20-odd notebooks that also housed class notes, pen conversations with friends during Math, German and Nat Sci, lists of various things I liked and wanted to do, drafts of academic papers that wowed me with the depth of my mind so early in my life (hehe), etc. I didn't throw out much; instead, I did a lot of reading. Or re-reading, whatever. I can return to them when I want to, if ever I again feel I was at a loss as to who I am and what I want to do.
I'm discovering that both my writing exercises and my sorting through my old things were cathartic vehicles that served their purpose. So, I now place them back in the crevices I had left them and find my new path.
Sometime during the week, I was resorting all these old college things and found a lot of things I had forgotten I had. Stories I wrote, readings I set aside, programmes from ballets I had seen, application forms to universities in Italy, New York and Dallas (gee, how'd I get that, I wonder... ;P). The stories and fragments of would-be stories were in around 20-odd notebooks that also housed class notes, pen conversations with friends during Math, German and Nat Sci, lists of various things I liked and wanted to do, drafts of academic papers that wowed me with the depth of my mind so early in my life (hehe), etc. I didn't throw out much; instead, I did a lot of reading. Or re-reading, whatever. I can return to them when I want to, if ever I again feel I was at a loss as to who I am and what I want to do.
I'm discovering that both my writing exercises and my sorting through my old things were cathartic vehicles that served their purpose. So, I now place them back in the crevices I had left them and find my new path.
Friday, October 01, 2004
zen syrup can be anything you want it to be
Marga is amazed on my Tagboard that I have had this many men. I didn't have this many men. Some of them were just being admired from a distance. Some of them were just passing through. Strangely, they left some kind of mark. And that's what I'm writing about. For lack of things to write about.
Anyway, I'm taking a break from my kalandian. Here's some light fare I picked out of a pretty chipper blog:
1. FAVORITE BREAKFAST IS...
bacon and garlic rice, though I can eat bacon and garlic rice morning, noon, night, midnight, middle of the day...
2. THE MOVIE I'VE WATCHED MOST NUMBER OF TIMES...
toss up between West Side Story and Jesus Christ Superstar
3. LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL...
math and anything with numbers and counting and equating
4. SPEND MY LEISURE TIME...
interneting away -- yeah!!!
5. WORST SMELL?
dead rat
6. IF I COULD HAVE ANY CAR IN THE WORLD,WHAT WOULD IT BE?....
I never thought about it. Give me a sec.
7. FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
laundry, sweeping the floor and scrubbing the bathroom with Domex
8. WHEN I WAS A KID I DREAMED OF BECOMING A...
veterinarian - me too!!! I also dreamed of inventing a house that can float in the sky and I lived there.
9. FAVORITE COLOR/s?
blue, olive green, brick red, khaki
10.FAVORITE PERFORMER(S)?
Waya Gallardo! And the rare performance of the Waya Gallardo-Jenny Lim tag team. And Angel Corella of course. I'd put Marga, but it's never a performance, because that's just how she is really.... ;P
12. IF I COULD REPEAT COLLEGE, I'D TAKE
... I really believe I wouldn't have done anything differently
13. THREE THINGS I CAN'T FORGET BEFORE GOING TO SCHOOL?....
signpen, wallet, cellphone
14. FIRST THING I BOUGHT WITH MY FIRSTSALARY...
food ata. Typical.
15. I'D LIKE TO BE REMEMBERED AS....
a crazy mom/lola with a beautiful family - aaawww!!! that's beautiful :)
I guess I just would like to be remembered fondly.
16. IF A BOOK WAS MADE INTO A MOVIE,WOULD YOU STILL BOTHER TO READ THE BOOK?
of course
17. SPECIALTY IN COOKING?
fried rice. how kulelat. steamed chicken. and russian tea cakes and chocolate crinkles, but I don't make cookies anymore.
18. PRESENT CRUSH?
secret.
19. FAVORITE HANG-OUT?
these days, in front of the computer
20. BEST PLACE TO SHOP?
sigh, you're talking to miss do we have to go shopping?
21. DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH PLAYS?
if they star my favorite performer Waya Gallardo! But I'm wary of those plays they present in UP. Depende talaga.
22. FAVORITE PLACE IN YOUR HOUSE?
it used to be the garden, but I can't hang out there because the latero guys are working on Lucas' car. So, it'll have to be in front of the computer.
23. BEST GIFT YOU'VE RECEIVED?
Lucas' birthday gift that was an electric water heater. So I said to Lucas.
24. WEIRDEST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
a huge teddy bear from an ex after I told him I didn't like how boyfriends give their girlfriends teddy bears. Labo.
25. GIFT THAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE AS OF THIS MOMENT?
zen syrup
26. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST QUALITY OF THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TOYOU?
I took this off the blog of a beautiful, talented friend, who sees life in a most unique way and I wish I could see a little bit of life through her eyes, para shwak.
27. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAILTHIS TO, WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO REPLY?Joelle! - reply naman ako diba. Ayoko magpahiya ng beautiful friend. :) I have no idea if this will catch on from my blog, though.
28. ANONG ORAS NA?:
1:30 pm
29. ANO SA KEYBOARD ANG PARATI MONGNAPIPINDOT
\ because it's right beside enter
30. WHICH DO YOU PREFER;YAHOO OR HOTMAIL:
yahoo
31. LEFT OR RIGHT:
right, but pirouettes on the left, i'm more centered somehow
32. BLACK OR WHITE:
black, but I like white too. Just not together, I guess.
33. BLACK OR BLUE PEN:
Blue
34. SANDALS OR SHOES:
sandals
35. COLGATE OR HAPPEE:
Colgate. Who the fuck would choose happee? - Happee users, I guess, hahaha
36.CHOPSTICKS OR SPOON & FORK?
chopsticks if I'm eating Japanese or Chinese food.
38. ROBOCOP OR RAMBO:
Robocop
39. JOLLIBEE OR MCDO:
Depends on what I feel like eating.
40. COKE OR PEPSI:
Coke!
41. SAN MIG LIGHT, LONE STAR LIGHT OR REDHORSE:
San Mig Light, but I don't drink anymore.
42. HOPE OR CAMEL (na yosi):
Don't smoke. duh. na yosi---what else would it be kaya no? - another trait I love about the person I stole this from :)
43. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO:
It was a family talk - Daddy, Mommy, Jacqui
44. LAST PERSON WHO TEXTED YOU:
secret. (kadiri, hahahahahaha)
45. LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH:
secret uli, hahahahahahaha
46. LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY?
myself, talking to Daddy, but he didn't make me cry, iyakin lang ako.
47. THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED:
Last night.
48. SOMEONE TO BE WITH:
The question doesn't really make sense, but -- point. I'll keep this one to myself, too.
49. YOU SEE ME ALWAYS...
giggling my head off.
50. FAVORITE CHOCOLATEs:
white. I love vanilla. :)
Anyway, I'm taking a break from my kalandian. Here's some light fare I picked out of a pretty chipper blog:
1. FAVORITE BREAKFAST IS...
bacon and garlic rice, though I can eat bacon and garlic rice morning, noon, night, midnight, middle of the day...
2. THE MOVIE I'VE WATCHED MOST NUMBER OF TIMES...
toss up between West Side Story and Jesus Christ Superstar
3. LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL...
math and anything with numbers and counting and equating
4. SPEND MY LEISURE TIME...
interneting away -- yeah!!!
5. WORST SMELL?
dead rat
6. IF I COULD HAVE ANY CAR IN THE WORLD,WHAT WOULD IT BE?....
I never thought about it. Give me a sec.
7. FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
laundry, sweeping the floor and scrubbing the bathroom with Domex
8. WHEN I WAS A KID I DREAMED OF BECOMING A...
veterinarian - me too!!! I also dreamed of inventing a house that can float in the sky and I lived there.
9. FAVORITE COLOR/s?
blue, olive green, brick red, khaki
10.FAVORITE PERFORMER(S)?
Waya Gallardo! And the rare performance of the Waya Gallardo-Jenny Lim tag team. And Angel Corella of course. I'd put Marga, but it's never a performance, because that's just how she is really.... ;P
12. IF I COULD REPEAT COLLEGE, I'D TAKE
... I really believe I wouldn't have done anything differently
13. THREE THINGS I CAN'T FORGET BEFORE GOING TO SCHOOL?....
signpen, wallet, cellphone
14. FIRST THING I BOUGHT WITH MY FIRSTSALARY...
food ata. Typical.
15. I'D LIKE TO BE REMEMBERED AS....
a crazy mom/lola with a beautiful family - aaawww!!! that's beautiful :)
I guess I just would like to be remembered fondly.
16. IF A BOOK WAS MADE INTO A MOVIE,WOULD YOU STILL BOTHER TO READ THE BOOK?
of course
17. SPECIALTY IN COOKING?
fried rice. how kulelat. steamed chicken. and russian tea cakes and chocolate crinkles, but I don't make cookies anymore.
18. PRESENT CRUSH?
secret.
19. FAVORITE HANG-OUT?
these days, in front of the computer
20. BEST PLACE TO SHOP?
sigh, you're talking to miss do we have to go shopping?
21. DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH PLAYS?
if they star my favorite performer Waya Gallardo! But I'm wary of those plays they present in UP. Depende talaga.
22. FAVORITE PLACE IN YOUR HOUSE?
it used to be the garden, but I can't hang out there because the latero guys are working on Lucas' car. So, it'll have to be in front of the computer.
23. BEST GIFT YOU'VE RECEIVED?
Lucas' birthday gift that was an electric water heater. So I said to Lucas.
24. WEIRDEST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
a huge teddy bear from an ex after I told him I didn't like how boyfriends give their girlfriends teddy bears. Labo.
25. GIFT THAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE AS OF THIS MOMENT?
zen syrup
26. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST QUALITY OF THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TOYOU?
I took this off the blog of a beautiful, talented friend, who sees life in a most unique way and I wish I could see a little bit of life through her eyes, para shwak.
27. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAILTHIS TO, WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO REPLY?Joelle! - reply naman ako diba. Ayoko magpahiya ng beautiful friend. :) I have no idea if this will catch on from my blog, though.
28. ANONG ORAS NA?:
1:30 pm
29. ANO SA KEYBOARD ANG PARATI MONGNAPIPINDOT
\ because it's right beside enter
30. WHICH DO YOU PREFER;YAHOO OR HOTMAIL:
yahoo
31. LEFT OR RIGHT:
right, but pirouettes on the left, i'm more centered somehow
32. BLACK OR WHITE:
black, but I like white too. Just not together, I guess.
33. BLACK OR BLUE PEN:
Blue
34. SANDALS OR SHOES:
sandals
35. COLGATE OR HAPPEE:
Colgate. Who the fuck would choose happee? - Happee users, I guess, hahaha
36.CHOPSTICKS OR SPOON & FORK?
chopsticks if I'm eating Japanese or Chinese food.
38. ROBOCOP OR RAMBO:
Robocop
39. JOLLIBEE OR MCDO:
Depends on what I feel like eating.
40. COKE OR PEPSI:
Coke!
41. SAN MIG LIGHT, LONE STAR LIGHT OR REDHORSE:
San Mig Light, but I don't drink anymore.
42. HOPE OR CAMEL (na yosi):
Don't smoke. duh. na yosi---what else would it be kaya no? - another trait I love about the person I stole this from :)
43. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO:
It was a family talk - Daddy, Mommy, Jacqui
44. LAST PERSON WHO TEXTED YOU:
secret. (kadiri, hahahahahaha)
45. LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH:
secret uli, hahahahahahaha
46. LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY?
myself, talking to Daddy, but he didn't make me cry, iyakin lang ako.
47. THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED:
Last night.
48. SOMEONE TO BE WITH:
The question doesn't really make sense, but -- point. I'll keep this one to myself, too.
49. YOU SEE ME ALWAYS...
giggling my head off.
50. FAVORITE CHOCOLATEs:
white. I love vanilla. :)
it was good
He parks the car in front of my house. I had spent an unplanned evening with him, most of it happened with his spontaneous suggestions of what to do, where to go, what to talk about. He had manipulated it so that he could take me out, then take me home and not seem the manipulator at all. He was the perfect gentleman, the perfect date, the perfect man. Do you know how you meet someone and feel like you could talk to them forever? I was very afraid of feeling giddy.
He wasn't talking, now, of course. He was staring at me. I was sure I would be melting soon. I remember the first time I had ever seen him in person - standing beside a cooler of ice, looking so tall, noble and dignified that it was impossible not to feel starstruck. That time, he smiled at me, a small serene smile, where his mouth just slightly stretched up, just a bit. But it was his eyes that were really smiling, his eyes that were right now making me melt. I could be unassuming and just check off this night as one of those nice nights of getting to know this cool person, know that we indeed had fun and be glad that I had made a new friend. Of course, I wasn't sure yet that it was just that. I was dying to find out, though.
After a while, when I couldn't stand his staring at me anymore, I look at him full on and dare to ask, "Are you gonna kiss me?"
He breaks into a wide smile and says, "Of course." And I fall.
----------------------------------
I don't want to be angry anymore. I hope he finds what he's looking for.
He wasn't talking, now, of course. He was staring at me. I was sure I would be melting soon. I remember the first time I had ever seen him in person - standing beside a cooler of ice, looking so tall, noble and dignified that it was impossible not to feel starstruck. That time, he smiled at me, a small serene smile, where his mouth just slightly stretched up, just a bit. But it was his eyes that were really smiling, his eyes that were right now making me melt. I could be unassuming and just check off this night as one of those nice nights of getting to know this cool person, know that we indeed had fun and be glad that I had made a new friend. Of course, I wasn't sure yet that it was just that. I was dying to find out, though.
After a while, when I couldn't stand his staring at me anymore, I look at him full on and dare to ask, "Are you gonna kiss me?"
He breaks into a wide smile and says, "Of course." And I fall.
----------------------------------
I don't want to be angry anymore. I hope he finds what he's looking for.
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