better by numbers

I'm okay.

I don't feel bad anymore. Number one, while I thought that I was never going back, that isn't quite the case. There will always be chances of returning and it won't be as bad as I thought it would be. Number two, even if there wasn't a chance to return, it won't be as bad either. I've always been a survivor, good at adapting, receptive to change.

Number three, there's nothing I have to prove to anyone anymore. It took a foreign choreographer who didn't know anything about the politics of local ballet to reiterate what status I was in the company I was slaving for. If I was ever worried that nobody appreciated the hard work and good dancing I've been putting in, well, it's been appreciated. I actually hate to disappoint him but it had to be done. The people we left behind (specifically the 2 people we left behind) really don't deserve us. Number four (which should have been number one, but I need my priorities straightened out), we really don't deserve how they've been treating us, just as none of the dancers here deserve how they've been treated all this time. Well, maybe not all, but some.

Number five, after the line "They're beautiful dancers, but there are other beautiful dancers...," I'm all inis and thinking, is that threat supposed to make me want to come back? How inspiring.

Number six, my dad bought me DVDs of The Two Towers and Return of the King to make me feel better. I super take back the Dead Poets Society analogy. Today, we're more like That 70s Show. It's the same guy, but I'm approaching him in a different way.

I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing the next few weeks, asides from filing for my leave of absence from school which I have to do because the deadline is nigh, plus I need the time away from my dad. It seems scary because I seriously get jittery when I don't have anything to do. But I feel calm.

Number seven, I cleaned out my drawers again today because my side of the room was getting really cluttered. As in, I was sleeping in my bed with unfolded clothes and books I've been reading and not reading and magazines I was going to set aside. The side of my bed was decorated with bags full of stuff I move back and forth from my weekday to weekend houses, I was always in transit. I won't be for the next few weeks, so I might as well clean up. I threw a LOT of trash out, accumulated from college and from my last two jobs, and it felt cathartic.

So, I'm okay.