I don't like to believe in Murphy's law, which basically says that if something can go wrong, it will, but there are days that make me a believer. No matter how early I finished my work for the recital, no matter how prepared I am, no matter how organized your schedule is, all it takes is for one lousy tech to screw it up for you and burden both you and your father with unnecessary stress.
The entire show, I was stage managing while offstage, kicking the guy with the headset on stage right because he was falling asleep throughout the show. My dad says maybe CCP is deteriorating and we better get out while we can. He's thinking of having a dinner theater in a hotel ballroom for our 25th anniversary concert. I'm objecting of course, being of the group of snobs who think CCP is the hub of high art, but with stupid techs and their staff that fall asleep on you, it should be very wise to really rethink your options.
My recital went off with nary a glitch, except for that tech and his stupid lighting abiltities. The stage looked way too dark and the colors were all clashing with each other. Watching the video was actually too painful for me, the entire thing could've looked better if it was lit well.
Still I can't discount the fact that based on how happy the kids were after, it was a pretty successful recital.
Jacqui said something that resonated with me. She said that she thinks of her ballet technique as something that steadily progresses and her benchmark for this is her performance during the recital. She learns from her mistakes and works them out so that she won't repeat them the next year. I realize that this is what I do with each recital. I see the things that went wrong as stuff that I can improve the following year. In this case, don't be too complacent when the tech assigned to you mouths off all these impressive theatrical know-how. I have to assume that he doesn't know what he's doing from the onset, it's safer.
My dad has lived his entire life dependent on nobody except himself, his wife and his kids. And even then, he waits around for us to screw up. It's a good understanding of why he's so hard on me, but sometimes, I wish I would trade a Murphy's law extravaganza for a kinder, more soft-spoken dad.
I really have to manage my time more properly in 2005. I have lots of time, but it's just not managed properly. I could do better planning, better working out kinks, better organizing logistics. This isn't just about ballet, it's about my life, and all aspects of it. No more trying to finish sets at 3 in the morning the day before theatre rehearsal, no more freaking out over deadlines for my freelance work that I could have met earlier, no more missing school registration and having to file for LOA, no more missed parties with my friends, no more being too tired to dance.
Hmm, I didn't quite plan for this to come out this way. It's amusing and, I like to think, a gift from the universe. Despite all my dissatisfactions and plans to make things better, I really had a great year. Happy new year, everybody.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
merry christmas everybody!
This is Daniella opening MY gifts at Mamia's last night:
Which is quite alright because now that I'm so old, it's more fun to watch the kids go nuts. I like this picture because it looks like there's a flurry of activity going on, when all it was is Erin beside me moving at the wrong moment.
This is another kid having fun, right outside the Meralco backstage:
Merry Christmas to all!!! And to all a good life!!!
Which is quite alright because now that I'm so old, it's more fun to watch the kids go nuts. I like this picture because it looks like there's a flurry of activity going on, when all it was is Erin beside me moving at the wrong moment.
This is another kid having fun, right outside the Meralco backstage:
Merry Christmas to all!!! And to all a good life!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
the russian tea cakes expert and her slotted spoon
I made Russian Tea Cakes (commonly known as shortbread) today.
I used to make them all the time, but I grew bored of it and stopped. I also used to make chocolate crinkles, which I found worse than boring because I don't even like eating them. People who do eat what I bake assure me that they're good, and these people are people who tell me the truth especially if it hurts (my parents, Jacqui).
Anyway, I waited till I got rid of the flu from hell before baking and that was today. I made two recipes and played around with them because I had forgotten exactly how I used to make them, which meant a lot of new experimentation. The recipe said use an electric mixer. I remember that I never used an electric mixer, and since using the electric mixer meant hauling it out of the drawer and figuring out where to plug it in, I forewent the electric mixer and did it manually. While creaming the butter and sugar together, I then realized why I had to use an electric mixer. (My hands, poor unmuscled things, are so tired that typing this is giving me overfatigue.)
But after a while, I realize it's not that hard and I still would rather mix it manually than deal with the electric mixer. It involves washing the mixer after, much too much to wash compared to the spoon if I do it manually. And it's just too much responsibility for me.
Hahaha.
Anyway, I'm really pleased with myself as my first batch of cookies turned out great. Ms. Impossible-to-Please Jacqui says they're really good and taste better than the ones we recently bought in a store. I'll make some more tomorrow. Gotta spread the good cheer.
I used to make them all the time, but I grew bored of it and stopped. I also used to make chocolate crinkles, which I found worse than boring because I don't even like eating them. People who do eat what I bake assure me that they're good, and these people are people who tell me the truth especially if it hurts (my parents, Jacqui).
Anyway, I waited till I got rid of the flu from hell before baking and that was today. I made two recipes and played around with them because I had forgotten exactly how I used to make them, which meant a lot of new experimentation. The recipe said use an electric mixer. I remember that I never used an electric mixer, and since using the electric mixer meant hauling it out of the drawer and figuring out where to plug it in, I forewent the electric mixer and did it manually. While creaming the butter and sugar together, I then realized why I had to use an electric mixer. (My hands, poor unmuscled things, are so tired that typing this is giving me overfatigue.)
But after a while, I realize it's not that hard and I still would rather mix it manually than deal with the electric mixer. It involves washing the mixer after, much too much to wash compared to the spoon if I do it manually. And it's just too much responsibility for me.
Hahaha.
Anyway, I'm really pleased with myself as my first batch of cookies turned out great. Ms. Impossible-to-Please Jacqui says they're really good and taste better than the ones we recently bought in a store. I'll make some more tomorrow. Gotta spread the good cheer.
Monday, December 20, 2004
shakedown, 2004
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Get flowers onstage that my mother didn't buy for me. Sit through an entire lecture from my father without arguing. Set myself free from men who keep making me wait. Achieve things beyond all known philosophies.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I slightly remember that I was supposed to be wiser about men. I think I can safely say I kept that resolution. I also planned to be wiser with my finances and I better work on that more next year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, though Therese is due anytime soon.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not close, no. But I do remember going to a lot of wakes this year, more than the usual. Are more people dying or am I getting older?
5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in the Philippines. Had a lot to do.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More zen. More patience. More acceptance. Less urges to rise to the bait. More zen.
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Like I said the last time I answered this survey, I'm really bad at dates. So, pass.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The Merry Faces of Spring. And the zen that this realization (that it was a big achievement) brought.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not enrolling for class first sem of the AY 2004-2005 and having to file for leave. That worked out okay, but still, never again.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Early January, I re-twisted my ankle, making me want to hit myself on the head because it was so painful to dance. Other than that, no, I was very healthy despite the scary weight loss. AAAAH!!! Which reminds me, I got very very very sick in March, coming home from Cebu because of food poisoning and I would throw up everything I tried to ingest even days after. If that's not an illness, I don't know what is.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My phone and my laptop.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My mom. For taking certain alarming phone calls with all the dignity and poise that only she can pull off.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Hmmm.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food. I spend too much on food, dammit.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The opportunity to dance again. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
The Purplechickens' Jailbait because I listened to it a lot this year (as their album came out this year and this was their "new song"; they were trying to make me like the other "new song" but I fell in love with Jailbait instead) and Frou Frou's "Breathe In"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much much happier. lots happier. tons happier. extremely.
ii. thinner or fatter? waaaaay thinner. and I didn't think I could get any thinner than I had already but I did.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer. This is what happens when you quit your job for your art.
18. What do you wish you'd done more?
Relaxed.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about a certain 42 year old. He didn't need my worry. And freaking out over the time I thought I had to dance, over the kind of dancing I want to do. In other words, the opposite of my answer to #18.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Giving out gifts to the cousins like I do every year in Mamia's house, eating and eating and eating. I may rehearse for the recital, I feel up to it.
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Yes.
22. How many one-night stands?
None. I doubt I ever will again actually.
23. What was your favourite TV program?
This is the year I discovered Queer Eye! And the year Buffy ended (well, for me.) And the year I rediscovered Angel. Pretty much a good year.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I do. I don't want to but some things cannot be helped. Mostly I try to ignore that I do, I don't really want to go around hating anybody.
25. What was the best book you read?
Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things, Haruki Murukami's Dance Dance Dance and Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Quail Quartet. Kahit walang lecture from Brad.
27. What did you want and get?
Dancing and peace of mind.
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Serious toss up between the Incredibles, White Chicks, Before Sunset and 2046.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a party and the guy I liked at the time was still recovering from a flu but he drove in his motorcycle from an hour away in the rain to wish me happy birthday. I was also very happy to see the other people who turned up too, hehe. I turned 30.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money to spend on stuff other than food.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Vixen-next-door in flipflops. It's been like this most my life, I guess. Once, Waya called what I was wearing "Bohemian chic." That was cute.
32. What kept you sane?
My blogs. (Awwwww...) and the blogs of other people.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Angel Corella! Yes, he did super jete in my life this year, yes he did.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Strangely, the US election got me more agitated than the Philippine election did. I guess because GMA won and Kerry didn't.
35. Who did you miss?
Quincy and Anne.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Oh, this guy. I'd say his name but his friends already think I'm in love with him, hmph.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
The universe never gives up on you, if only you just let a glimmer of hope in.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Hello, goodbye... Yes we're taking calls... what was the question?"
Get flowers onstage that my mother didn't buy for me. Sit through an entire lecture from my father without arguing. Set myself free from men who keep making me wait. Achieve things beyond all known philosophies.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I slightly remember that I was supposed to be wiser about men. I think I can safely say I kept that resolution. I also planned to be wiser with my finances and I better work on that more next year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, though Therese is due anytime soon.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not close, no. But I do remember going to a lot of wakes this year, more than the usual. Are more people dying or am I getting older?
5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in the Philippines. Had a lot to do.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More zen. More patience. More acceptance. Less urges to rise to the bait. More zen.
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Like I said the last time I answered this survey, I'm really bad at dates. So, pass.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The Merry Faces of Spring. And the zen that this realization (that it was a big achievement) brought.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not enrolling for class first sem of the AY 2004-2005 and having to file for leave. That worked out okay, but still, never again.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Early January, I re-twisted my ankle, making me want to hit myself on the head because it was so painful to dance. Other than that, no, I was very healthy despite the scary weight loss. AAAAH!!! Which reminds me, I got very very very sick in March, coming home from Cebu because of food poisoning and I would throw up everything I tried to ingest even days after. If that's not an illness, I don't know what is.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My phone and my laptop.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My mom. For taking certain alarming phone calls with all the dignity and poise that only she can pull off.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Hmmm.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food. I spend too much on food, dammit.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The opportunity to dance again. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
The Purplechickens' Jailbait because I listened to it a lot this year (as their album came out this year and this was their "new song"; they were trying to make me like the other "new song" but I fell in love with Jailbait instead) and Frou Frou's "Breathe In"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much much happier. lots happier. tons happier. extremely.
ii. thinner or fatter? waaaaay thinner. and I didn't think I could get any thinner than I had already but I did.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer. This is what happens when you quit your job for your art.
18. What do you wish you'd done more?
Relaxed.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about a certain 42 year old. He didn't need my worry. And freaking out over the time I thought I had to dance, over the kind of dancing I want to do. In other words, the opposite of my answer to #18.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Giving out gifts to the cousins like I do every year in Mamia's house, eating and eating and eating. I may rehearse for the recital, I feel up to it.
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Yes.
22. How many one-night stands?
None. I doubt I ever will again actually.
23. What was your favourite TV program?
This is the year I discovered Queer Eye! And the year Buffy ended (well, for me.) And the year I rediscovered Angel. Pretty much a good year.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I do. I don't want to but some things cannot be helped. Mostly I try to ignore that I do, I don't really want to go around hating anybody.
25. What was the best book you read?
Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things, Haruki Murukami's Dance Dance Dance and Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Quail Quartet. Kahit walang lecture from Brad.
27. What did you want and get?
Dancing and peace of mind.
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Serious toss up between the Incredibles, White Chicks, Before Sunset and 2046.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a party and the guy I liked at the time was still recovering from a flu but he drove in his motorcycle from an hour away in the rain to wish me happy birthday. I was also very happy to see the other people who turned up too, hehe. I turned 30.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money to spend on stuff other than food.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Vixen-next-door in flipflops. It's been like this most my life, I guess. Once, Waya called what I was wearing "Bohemian chic." That was cute.
32. What kept you sane?
My blogs. (Awwwww...) and the blogs of other people.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Angel Corella! Yes, he did super jete in my life this year, yes he did.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Strangely, the US election got me more agitated than the Philippine election did. I guess because GMA won and Kerry didn't.
35. Who did you miss?
Quincy and Anne.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Oh, this guy. I'd say his name but his friends already think I'm in love with him, hmph.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
The universe never gives up on you, if only you just let a glimmer of hope in.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Hello, goodbye... Yes we're taking calls... what was the question?"
Friday, December 17, 2004
the soundtrack of my life as ballerina
I mixed a CD for myself that I shall call "My Favorite Ballet Music." Actually, it's missing some important bits, such as music from Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet because, well, I don't have music from Romeo and Juliet. And I'm actually glad because I decided to put in only two pieces per ballet and it would be extremely difficult to choose only two pieces from Romeo and Juliet.
This collection is also more than just my favorite ballet music. Most of these, I have danced, and it's hard to quantify whether I loved dancing them because I love the music or I love the music because I love dancing them. I do know that I loved putting it together.
This is what's in it:
01 O Fortuna from Carmina Burana
Carl Orff
I first danced the David Campos Cantero choreography in 1997 (ack, I think) and I am very happy to dance it again each time PBT stages it. I've been promoted in this dance twice, but I still dance Fortuna, and would still want to dance it even if a lot of the other dancers are glad to have "graduated" from it. I don't have the entire score; if I did, I'd include The Merry Faces of Spring in this compilation, since it's my pas de trois and I love it as much as Fortuna.
02 Grand Waltz from Swan Lake
Piotr Ilyitch Tchaikovsky
I actually have never danced this, but it's my favorite Tchaikovsky waltz. I especially like the dynamics and the timpani parts.
03 Pas de Shawl from Cinderella
Sergei Prokofiev
When I did the Filipinized Sinderela for my UP graduation recital, I wished I were not harassed enough to dance so that I could do the Stepsister. I always wanted to be a Stepsister and got my chance when I convinced Daddy to stage Cinderella for the studio. I brought the house down.
04 Journey to the Ball from Cinderella
Prokofiev
This is my absolute favorite piece from the ballet, with the leitmotif at the end of Act 2 as the clock strikes midnight. I got to dance this when we performed the entire Fairies suite in a CCP Outdoor Balletfest and Daddy cast me as Cinderella this time.
05 The Rite of Spring - Part One: The Adoration of the Earth
Igor Stravinsky
This is my favorite Stravinsky. I've never danced this but this was my final paper for Musicology 100, a class I nearly died for taking. But I was able to analyze the music well according to the demands of ballet and actually scored a good grade. I hope to dance or get to choreograph this one day. I'm also very in love with the title.
06 Chinese Tea from The Nutcracker
Tchaikovsky
I've never danced this either. But it's my favorite dance from Baryshnikov's Nutcracker and my favorite cartoon from Fantasia.
07 The Battle of the Nutcracker and the Mouse King
In our last production of the Nutcracker for our school, I was the Mouse King. I had enormous fun. I had also alwaaaays loved the Battle music, and I always loved staging it and watching the kids go nuts.
08 Danse Macabre
Camile Saint-Saens
Daddy choreographed this beautiful piece of music for us when I was a pre-teen. I still remember some of the steps. Mommy was the one who intro'd this music to Daddy; this is how Daddy chooses most of the music he uses. Behind every great man and all that.
09 The Mad Scene from Giselle
Adolphe Adam
In this section, Giselle discovers that the man she loved was in truth a rich aristocrat betrothed to a Duchess. She goes mad and dies of a broken heart. Lucas said watching me dance this made him cry. I want to dance this again, someday.
10 The Black Swan Pas De Deux from Swan Lake
Tchaikovsky
My most favorite pas de deux in the world. I've been told that evil becomes me.
11 The Spell of the Lilac Fairy from The Sleeping Beauty
Princess Aurora pricks her finger and falls asleep for a hundred years. The Lilac Fairy also casts a sleeping spell on the rest of the kingdom. I love that the main theme of this ballet is the Lilac Fairy theme. You can tell, she's Tchaikovsky's favorite character too.
It's a very good reminder that I've had a very good career so far and I should really finally just stop whining about ballet and drowning in self-doubt. It's mighty inspiring.
This collection is also more than just my favorite ballet music. Most of these, I have danced, and it's hard to quantify whether I loved dancing them because I love the music or I love the music because I love dancing them. I do know that I loved putting it together.
This is what's in it:
01 O Fortuna from Carmina Burana
Carl Orff
I first danced the David Campos Cantero choreography in 1997 (ack, I think) and I am very happy to dance it again each time PBT stages it. I've been promoted in this dance twice, but I still dance Fortuna, and would still want to dance it even if a lot of the other dancers are glad to have "graduated" from it. I don't have the entire score; if I did, I'd include The Merry Faces of Spring in this compilation, since it's my pas de trois and I love it as much as Fortuna.
02 Grand Waltz from Swan Lake
Piotr Ilyitch Tchaikovsky
I actually have never danced this, but it's my favorite Tchaikovsky waltz. I especially like the dynamics and the timpani parts.
03 Pas de Shawl from Cinderella
Sergei Prokofiev
When I did the Filipinized Sinderela for my UP graduation recital, I wished I were not harassed enough to dance so that I could do the Stepsister. I always wanted to be a Stepsister and got my chance when I convinced Daddy to stage Cinderella for the studio. I brought the house down.
04 Journey to the Ball from Cinderella
Prokofiev
This is my absolute favorite piece from the ballet, with the leitmotif at the end of Act 2 as the clock strikes midnight. I got to dance this when we performed the entire Fairies suite in a CCP Outdoor Balletfest and Daddy cast me as Cinderella this time.
05 The Rite of Spring - Part One: The Adoration of the Earth
Igor Stravinsky
This is my favorite Stravinsky. I've never danced this but this was my final paper for Musicology 100, a class I nearly died for taking. But I was able to analyze the music well according to the demands of ballet and actually scored a good grade. I hope to dance or get to choreograph this one day. I'm also very in love with the title.
06 Chinese Tea from The Nutcracker
Tchaikovsky
I've never danced this either. But it's my favorite dance from Baryshnikov's Nutcracker and my favorite cartoon from Fantasia.
07 The Battle of the Nutcracker and the Mouse King
In our last production of the Nutcracker for our school, I was the Mouse King. I had enormous fun. I had also alwaaaays loved the Battle music, and I always loved staging it and watching the kids go nuts.
08 Danse Macabre
Camile Saint-Saens
Daddy choreographed this beautiful piece of music for us when I was a pre-teen. I still remember some of the steps. Mommy was the one who intro'd this music to Daddy; this is how Daddy chooses most of the music he uses. Behind every great man and all that.
09 The Mad Scene from Giselle
Adolphe Adam
In this section, Giselle discovers that the man she loved was in truth a rich aristocrat betrothed to a Duchess. She goes mad and dies of a broken heart. Lucas said watching me dance this made him cry. I want to dance this again, someday.
10 The Black Swan Pas De Deux from Swan Lake
Tchaikovsky
My most favorite pas de deux in the world. I've been told that evil becomes me.
11 The Spell of the Lilac Fairy from The Sleeping Beauty
Princess Aurora pricks her finger and falls asleep for a hundred years. The Lilac Fairy also casts a sleeping spell on the rest of the kingdom. I love that the main theme of this ballet is the Lilac Fairy theme. You can tell, she's Tchaikovsky's favorite character too.
It's a very good reminder that I've had a very good career so far and I should really finally just stop whining about ballet and drowning in self-doubt. It's mighty inspiring.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
happy birthday, Caramel Appleby
I bought a birthday gift for my supergodchild today. It's her birthday on Saturday, she's turning three years old and she has conversations with people where she actually completes her sentences. I got her a big Incredibles pillow and purple slippers with Elastigirl on them; I actually wanted to give her more stuff but I was not satisfied by the selection on hand. Will get better Christmas gift, mental note. I had the entire package wrapped at the giftwrapping section in Robinson's Galleria.
It's so funny, that small area. It's the busiest area in the store and there are only six people working it. They all look like they'd rather be somewhere else. I don't understand why, I love wrapping gifts. The only reason why I didn't wrap this one is I didn't have time to. But I like wrapping and folding and taping and admiring my work. Or is that just me? I was thinking if I ever needed to take a menial minimum wage job, whether here or in some foreign country, wrapping gifts would be on top of my list.
There are a lot of things I do well that I hardly do anymore. Like baking. I can make really good chocolate crinkles. Which explains why I hate eating them (some people, like me, get sick of what they're baking/cooking while they're baking/cooking them and get too umay to eat them when they're done. I think it has something to do with the constant exposure to the smell, which is why I can't stand the smell and taste of dark chocolate. Ah, cést la vie). I was thinking I should try rediscovering things that I like doing and I'm good at instead of worrying about things that I can't control. And I heard from other friends, who had recently discovered baking, that it can be quite therapeutic. And since it's Christmas season, I have places for my baked goods to go, instead of my belly.
Not that I would eat them in the first place. Me, Ms Salty Girl, who needs to be guilt-tripped to eat her mother's apple pie and chocolate cake.
Anyway, I bought my supergodchild her birthday gift and I wasn't able to watch her open it because I am coming down with a flu or something and don't want her to catch my germs. She looked so happy to see me, then so disappointed to see me leave that I wanted to cry. On my way home, Appleby texted me that the precious tore into my gift and loves them so much that even if the Elastigirls slippers were a size too big, she put them on and clomped around the house.
I wish I had seen that. Aaaaaah, I miss my Caramel!
I miss her mother too. I'm going to kill this virus and plan the best Ninang day ever.
It's so funny, that small area. It's the busiest area in the store and there are only six people working it. They all look like they'd rather be somewhere else. I don't understand why, I love wrapping gifts. The only reason why I didn't wrap this one is I didn't have time to. But I like wrapping and folding and taping and admiring my work. Or is that just me? I was thinking if I ever needed to take a menial minimum wage job, whether here or in some foreign country, wrapping gifts would be on top of my list.
There are a lot of things I do well that I hardly do anymore. Like baking. I can make really good chocolate crinkles. Which explains why I hate eating them (some people, like me, get sick of what they're baking/cooking while they're baking/cooking them and get too umay to eat them when they're done. I think it has something to do with the constant exposure to the smell, which is why I can't stand the smell and taste of dark chocolate. Ah, cést la vie). I was thinking I should try rediscovering things that I like doing and I'm good at instead of worrying about things that I can't control. And I heard from other friends, who had recently discovered baking, that it can be quite therapeutic. And since it's Christmas season, I have places for my baked goods to go, instead of my belly.
Not that I would eat them in the first place. Me, Ms Salty Girl, who needs to be guilt-tripped to eat her mother's apple pie and chocolate cake.
Anyway, I bought my supergodchild her birthday gift and I wasn't able to watch her open it because I am coming down with a flu or something and don't want her to catch my germs. She looked so happy to see me, then so disappointed to see me leave that I wanted to cry. On my way home, Appleby texted me that the precious tore into my gift and loves them so much that even if the Elastigirls slippers were a size too big, she put them on and clomped around the house.
I wish I had seen that. Aaaaaah, I miss my Caramel!
I miss her mother too. I'm going to kill this virus and plan the best Ninang day ever.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
payday
Yes, today is payday, but this is not about money, it is more a look at what has happened to all my angst of the last few months. Well, some of my angst, I realize I have way too much angst. Moving along.
Pictures from the last production arrived the other day. They were taken during the Sunday matinee, our last show. I was very happy with the shots of me. Let me enumerate:
(yes, if I could live my life by enumeration, I would. and if I could write my novel by enumeration, I would too. It sits in my offline journal, with all the events outlined, just waiting for me to get my groove on)
1. It validates my dancing and hard work. I am very worried about pictures of me dancing because more often than not, it calls me on my technique. Photographs capture things that you might miss from watching the movement - a leg not turned out enough, a mispointed foot, looking down, mostly bad technique. It is evidence, and very telling evidence.
These shots didn't display any bad technique that I would be worried about. It in fact showed really good technique as my lines were all clean and beautiful and I had to look again to check if some of the shots really were me. (Then again, who else had a yellow costume?) I usually don't get copies of the pictures made, but now I think I have to.
2. It's evidence that I had done important dancing. I know, I know, I've done important dancing before this. But strangely, if you do not hit the big time with at least one of the three major companies, you don't go down in ballet history and what good is that? (of course, that's merely perception, I'm just arguing that since I had the idea of writing the history of ballet in the Philippines, an idea I've since thrown away because of all the intrigue that I would be burying myself into).
Anyway, I didn't even realize until the night of the show that I was the second lead in this ballet and seeing the pictures reminds me of this. In fact, as Lucas pointed out, it would even seem that I had a bigger role than I did because my costume made me stand out more than the lead. Making me grateful for number one because I would totally be embarrassed to be standing out while having pictures of me in ugly technique. It just says, I deserve this. Yes, I'm very very grateful.
3. It reiterates that I have nothing to feel bad for. If someone did go and write that history of ballet in the Philippines, I probably won't get my name mentioned. I'm thinking it's not at all important. As well as a lot of my angst the past year.
I am thirty years old. Ballet was my life for a very long time but, at 23, I had left ballet for a different life, one for which I'm grateful for living because if I had stayed in ballet, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. In many ways, I knew it was good that I went back to ballet when I did, old as I am. But looking at my contemporaries who did continue dancing when I had left, well, they're either mommies and/or teaching in a ballet school and/or teaching pilates. I am so glad that it's not an option for me, that it's not my only three options. I can do so much more, whether I had continued with ballet or not.
And being in ballet this late in the game is not so bad. In the last production I was in, I was the second lead and many people enjoyed watching me dance. More importantly, I enjoyed dancing.
Fast forward to the next show. We're doing a short version of The Nutcracker, a ballet I had restaged three times in its entirety. I was the Sugar Plum Fairy for two out of three stagings for my dad's school. In this production of my ballet company, I am a Flute (in the baddest choreography I have ever seen, tsk tsk Gelsey, what were you thinking?) and one of the corps in the Waltz of the Flowers. In the olden days, I would feel bad about that. I was the second lead in the last production and a member of the corps in the next? Ah, my pride would be go nuts.
I realize that I don't care. And I like this realization. I hate dancing the Reed Flutes dance because the choreography sucks. I like dancing the Waltz of the Flowers better because it has more interesting steps. I'm happier dancing it.
I guess I don't feel like I was demoted because I was placed in the Waltz to fill up an empty space. And I think I'm always top of mind for the corps because it gets organized easier if I'm in it, since I work them hard because I don't like being in an ugly dance and I make sure the people I dance with look good. It's become a function of mine over the last two years, and now, I don't mind. I used to, but I was a different, more shallow person then.
I'm realizing that I have less doubt about what I can do as a dancer. I used to worry all the time about being too old and running out of time. I now believe I have all the time in the world and nothing to prove. I dance fabulously and although that's just my opinion, it's a very important opinion. Actually the most important. And I am happy.
Who was it that said, "Everything you need comes to you at the right time"? Props, dude, props.
-----
a note from the ditz: it's ellipsis not ellipse. ... oooh, is that blood falling from my ear?
Pictures from the last production arrived the other day. They were taken during the Sunday matinee, our last show. I was very happy with the shots of me. Let me enumerate:
(yes, if I could live my life by enumeration, I would. and if I could write my novel by enumeration, I would too. It sits in my offline journal, with all the events outlined, just waiting for me to get my groove on)
1. It validates my dancing and hard work. I am very worried about pictures of me dancing because more often than not, it calls me on my technique. Photographs capture things that you might miss from watching the movement - a leg not turned out enough, a mispointed foot, looking down, mostly bad technique. It is evidence, and very telling evidence.
These shots didn't display any bad technique that I would be worried about. It in fact showed really good technique as my lines were all clean and beautiful and I had to look again to check if some of the shots really were me. (Then again, who else had a yellow costume?) I usually don't get copies of the pictures made, but now I think I have to.
2. It's evidence that I had done important dancing. I know, I know, I've done important dancing before this. But strangely, if you do not hit the big time with at least one of the three major companies, you don't go down in ballet history and what good is that? (of course, that's merely perception, I'm just arguing that since I had the idea of writing the history of ballet in the Philippines, an idea I've since thrown away because of all the intrigue that I would be burying myself into).
Anyway, I didn't even realize until the night of the show that I was the second lead in this ballet and seeing the pictures reminds me of this. In fact, as Lucas pointed out, it would even seem that I had a bigger role than I did because my costume made me stand out more than the lead. Making me grateful for number one because I would totally be embarrassed to be standing out while having pictures of me in ugly technique. It just says, I deserve this. Yes, I'm very very grateful.
3. It reiterates that I have nothing to feel bad for. If someone did go and write that history of ballet in the Philippines, I probably won't get my name mentioned. I'm thinking it's not at all important. As well as a lot of my angst the past year.
I am thirty years old. Ballet was my life for a very long time but, at 23, I had left ballet for a different life, one for which I'm grateful for living because if I had stayed in ballet, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. In many ways, I knew it was good that I went back to ballet when I did, old as I am. But looking at my contemporaries who did continue dancing when I had left, well, they're either mommies and/or teaching in a ballet school and/or teaching pilates. I am so glad that it's not an option for me, that it's not my only three options. I can do so much more, whether I had continued with ballet or not.
And being in ballet this late in the game is not so bad. In the last production I was in, I was the second lead and many people enjoyed watching me dance. More importantly, I enjoyed dancing.
Fast forward to the next show. We're doing a short version of The Nutcracker, a ballet I had restaged three times in its entirety. I was the Sugar Plum Fairy for two out of three stagings for my dad's school. In this production of my ballet company, I am a Flute (in the baddest choreography I have ever seen, tsk tsk Gelsey, what were you thinking?) and one of the corps in the Waltz of the Flowers. In the olden days, I would feel bad about that. I was the second lead in the last production and a member of the corps in the next? Ah, my pride would be go nuts.
I realize that I don't care. And I like this realization. I hate dancing the Reed Flutes dance because the choreography sucks. I like dancing the Waltz of the Flowers better because it has more interesting steps. I'm happier dancing it.
I guess I don't feel like I was demoted because I was placed in the Waltz to fill up an empty space. And I think I'm always top of mind for the corps because it gets organized easier if I'm in it, since I work them hard because I don't like being in an ugly dance and I make sure the people I dance with look good. It's become a function of mine over the last two years, and now, I don't mind. I used to, but I was a different, more shallow person then.
I'm realizing that I have less doubt about what I can do as a dancer. I used to worry all the time about being too old and running out of time. I now believe I have all the time in the world and nothing to prove. I dance fabulously and although that's just my opinion, it's a very important opinion. Actually the most important. And I am happy.
Who was it that said, "Everything you need comes to you at the right time"? Props, dude, props.
-----
a note from the ditz: it's ellipsis not ellipse. ... oooh, is that blood falling from my ear?
Monday, December 13, 2004
pretty ditzes all in a row
I'm having lunch with Waya and Lala, two of my favorite friends. They discover that Waya didn't know that an umlaut is what an umlaut is called while Lala didn't know that dot dot dot is called an ellipse. While they discover this, I say stuff like, "Yeah, the two dots over the letter..." and "Yep, that's what it's officially called..." So Lala says we now have to think of a word that they both know and I don't know. I sit there and smile, probably looking all "But, duh, I don't think there are any words I don't know." To which Waya complains, "But you're supposed to be the ditz here!"
Like it's hard?
Like it's hard?
more zen, you can almost swim in it
I'm not mad at my Research professor anymore.
No, she did not suddenly have a change of heart and fell in love with my thesis topic. I merely sat in my class and listened to her and found myself agreeing with most of the things she discussed.
This is another thing that bugged me last week: I agree with her on everything she says in class except for what she had to say about my thesis proposal. It got me eventually thinking, was I just being too defensive about what she said, being too overprotective over something I was obsessed with the last half year? It could very well be that.
With that in mind, I went back to class today and since we weren't discussing my thesis, I found myself agreeing with her again. And today, she talked about positions. She says it's very important to be clear on your position, so that you can defend it well. And she also said that other people may question what you want to do, but as long as you know what you want to do, what other people want you to do becomes less important. My eyes were super going wide at this point.
She then relates a story that happened to her recently. She's writing this paper and her old college prof told her, "Nobody's interested in that topic!" And her inner reaction was to laugh and think "Maybe not to you, but it's interesting to me and it will be interesting to other people." This was because her prof was looking at the Music aspect while my prof was more interested in the Philippine Studies aspect. Funny how the universe operates.
My current topic -- Performing the Pas De Deux: Translations of Ballet in Philippine Dance -- is still interesting to me. I'm in fact falling in love with it more and more. I'm keeping it awhile.
No, she did not suddenly have a change of heart and fell in love with my thesis topic. I merely sat in my class and listened to her and found myself agreeing with most of the things she discussed.
This is another thing that bugged me last week: I agree with her on everything she says in class except for what she had to say about my thesis proposal. It got me eventually thinking, was I just being too defensive about what she said, being too overprotective over something I was obsessed with the last half year? It could very well be that.
With that in mind, I went back to class today and since we weren't discussing my thesis, I found myself agreeing with her again. And today, she talked about positions. She says it's very important to be clear on your position, so that you can defend it well. And she also said that other people may question what you want to do, but as long as you know what you want to do, what other people want you to do becomes less important. My eyes were super going wide at this point.
She then relates a story that happened to her recently. She's writing this paper and her old college prof told her, "Nobody's interested in that topic!" And her inner reaction was to laugh and think "Maybe not to you, but it's interesting to me and it will be interesting to other people." This was because her prof was looking at the Music aspect while my prof was more interested in the Philippine Studies aspect. Funny how the universe operates.
My current topic -- Performing the Pas De Deux: Translations of Ballet in Philippine Dance -- is still interesting to me. I'm in fact falling in love with it more and more. I'm keeping it awhile.
Friday, December 10, 2004
queen of zen
I am a lot better now. I am not in a rush to go out and prove myself and join the wonderful world of academic scholarliness in the name of dance for the following reasons:
1. No one is holding a gun to my head.
2. I checked out the application for grants at the NCCA and found that it was better if you had a recommendation from an institution that backed your project. I figured I could finish my thesis, never mind what my research prof says, and then ask for the NCCA's help in publishing it once it's been given a high grade. No need to stress over it now and by then I would have proved myself. Or not. I also figured that it doesn't really matter because these academic people don't really exist in the outside world, where I've been living for the past few years and no amount of approval from them will change the way people view ballet in this country anyway.
3. I cleaned my entire bathroom with Domex and the scrubbing is very therapeutic. I have then decided it is a more important goal to get my banyo shining bright enough for us to need shades to use it than to publish a book that surveys the history of ballet in the Philippines.
4. I've decided that if I ever want to teach in UP it will be because I would think it would be fun, not to get into the thick of getting an important paper approved by the academe I'd be working for.
5. I'm writing my book and Maria has way bigger problems than me, so why am I stressing? I want to finish writing this book before I start serious work on my thesis and I realize that it's a long way from now and I rejoice.
6. I am very good at the things I do and many people appreciate them. So what if I may never finish this fricking thesis? I am useful to other people, as they remind me everyday and every midday. I am very lucky.
7. Perhaps my prof is right in implying that the local ballet world doesn't deserve such a study. Har.
1. No one is holding a gun to my head.
2. I checked out the application for grants at the NCCA and found that it was better if you had a recommendation from an institution that backed your project. I figured I could finish my thesis, never mind what my research prof says, and then ask for the NCCA's help in publishing it once it's been given a high grade. No need to stress over it now and by then I would have proved myself. Or not. I also figured that it doesn't really matter because these academic people don't really exist in the outside world, where I've been living for the past few years and no amount of approval from them will change the way people view ballet in this country anyway.
3. I cleaned my entire bathroom with Domex and the scrubbing is very therapeutic. I have then decided it is a more important goal to get my banyo shining bright enough for us to need shades to use it than to publish a book that surveys the history of ballet in the Philippines.
4. I've decided that if I ever want to teach in UP it will be because I would think it would be fun, not to get into the thick of getting an important paper approved by the academe I'd be working for.
5. I'm writing my book and Maria has way bigger problems than me, so why am I stressing? I want to finish writing this book before I start serious work on my thesis and I realize that it's a long way from now and I rejoice.
6. I am very good at the things I do and many people appreciate them. So what if I may never finish this fricking thesis? I am useful to other people, as they remind me everyday and every midday. I am very lucky.
7. Perhaps my prof is right in implying that the local ballet world doesn't deserve such a study. Har.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
...and suddenly I found how wonderful a sound can beeeeee...
I was working on my book and fleshed out Maria - I gave her a talented singing voice, songwriting skills, just the right amount of flamboyance and an artistic eye.
This is where she may depart from Waya. I originally wanted her to plan to put together a multi-media one woman show about life, love and women. Based on what Waya wanted to do, once upon a time (do you remember wanting to do this, Way?). Anyway, since Waya did want to do something like that, I thought it might be too weird that my story would be not a creative making of my imagination, and just a mirror of Waya's life and what kind of sick, crazy person am I to plagiarize my friend's life and pass it off as fiction. So scratch that. I hope that Waya does end up doing that multi-media one woman show, though. I still believe it rocks.
So I took the entire theatre persona off Maria and wondered what to do with her. She has to find a way to move on from her cheating boyfriend dying of SARS and has to immerse herself in something. I didn't want it to be singing right away, as music was very close to her life with Jaime, so it has to be something else. It got me thinking, if I were a rockstar girlfriend, what kind of skills would I have? (Op, walang hihirit ng di kanais nais, baka mabatukan ko kayo...)
I realize that I took a lot of photographs of my rockstars, and therefore decided that Maria should be skilled at this as well. I figure this is a good idea as the chronology of my story was starting to take shape. And then I realize that I was turning Maria into Lala. Sort of.
I still want Maria to be more Waya. Not exactly Waya, but I want to be reminded of her more than anybody else. Another problem I have with that is Maria is angsting a whole lot in this book and while I want Maria to be more Waya, I don't want people to be reading this book and assuming that Waya is also a loopy, angry, unreasonable wreck. So, I'm leaning towards veering away from Maria as Waya. Ah, decisions, decisions.
I guess I can just do whatever is necessary to Maria and hope that if ever this gets made into a movie like I originally planned, Waya will star in it and will be as brilliant as I know she would be.
I have to go out and study female lead singers of bands more. Something may be totally out of whack here, that I don't realize. And I thought writing this book was going to be easy. Grr.
On a related note, I decided to nix the idea of posting my chapters on LJ or anywhere online. But you'll be hearing from me soon.
This is where she may depart from Waya. I originally wanted her to plan to put together a multi-media one woman show about life, love and women. Based on what Waya wanted to do, once upon a time (do you remember wanting to do this, Way?). Anyway, since Waya did want to do something like that, I thought it might be too weird that my story would be not a creative making of my imagination, and just a mirror of Waya's life and what kind of sick, crazy person am I to plagiarize my friend's life and pass it off as fiction. So scratch that. I hope that Waya does end up doing that multi-media one woman show, though. I still believe it rocks.
So I took the entire theatre persona off Maria and wondered what to do with her. She has to find a way to move on from her cheating boyfriend dying of SARS and has to immerse herself in something. I didn't want it to be singing right away, as music was very close to her life with Jaime, so it has to be something else. It got me thinking, if I were a rockstar girlfriend, what kind of skills would I have? (Op, walang hihirit ng di kanais nais, baka mabatukan ko kayo...)
I realize that I took a lot of photographs of my rockstars, and therefore decided that Maria should be skilled at this as well. I figure this is a good idea as the chronology of my story was starting to take shape. And then I realize that I was turning Maria into Lala. Sort of.
I still want Maria to be more Waya. Not exactly Waya, but I want to be reminded of her more than anybody else. Another problem I have with that is Maria is angsting a whole lot in this book and while I want Maria to be more Waya, I don't want people to be reading this book and assuming that Waya is also a loopy, angry, unreasonable wreck. So, I'm leaning towards veering away from Maria as Waya. Ah, decisions, decisions.
I guess I can just do whatever is necessary to Maria and hope that if ever this gets made into a movie like I originally planned, Waya will star in it and will be as brilliant as I know she would be.
I have to go out and study female lead singers of bands more. Something may be totally out of whack here, that I don't realize. And I thought writing this book was going to be easy. Grr.
On a related note, I decided to nix the idea of posting my chapters on LJ or anywhere online. But you'll be hearing from me soon.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
rabid winter of discontent stuff
I had a rehearsal I didn't enjoy today. Before you, my beautiful protective well-meaning friends, start going "Why are you still dancing if it's just giving you so much grief," let me explain.
I've been feeling very blah lately. I know it's hormonal but I keep asking myself what am I doing, what do I want to do? Recent dramas between myself and my father had been forcing issues about why I'm the only one teaching ballet class and my feeling of inadequacy because nothing I do seems to satisfy him. He points out that he's very hard on me so that, in the future, when I take over the school, I'll be okay.
Ah, the future. Thanks to Daddy, it has become the Concern of the Moment.
And then that thing with my Research prof came up. Because of her little speech, I start to feel inadequate about myself, as if my entire lifetime I did not train to dance ballet, to teach ballet, to restage ballet, to analyze ballet, to criticize ballet, to understand ballet. Beyond feeling inadequate, it's also feeling guilty that I had been trained to do all that and I have nothing to show for, except my undergrad thesis which doesn't count, as implied by my professor who wrote her entire PhD dissertation in Tagalog, top that. Which is why I feel it is my duty to uplift ballet to a higher status in this country. Because I'm the only one who can (among the other dance majors I went to school with, I mean). And, apparently, if I don't do so, nobody else will.
Which brings us to today. Like I said, I was trained to be the all around ballet expert. And yet, when I go to my ballet company to dance, I am just a dancer. I know how to construct entire ballets and teach them to six years olds to perform onstage, forgive me if I get pissed off at bunglers whose idea of teaching a dance is talking amongst themselves what the steps are, marking them and expecting you to get everything from that.
But I am not anybody in this ballet company. I am just a dancer.
I look at my life and think, what had become of "the smartest dance major" after she had gone to join the real world? I know that it's just major PMS, but I never imagined that I would end up an inconsequential back up dancer, a graduate student who's in denial that she's in over her head, a teacher dreading the day she'll "take over."
I know it will all work out eventually, some way or other. I hope I never have to feel this badly about a rehearsal again.
I've been feeling very blah lately. I know it's hormonal but I keep asking myself what am I doing, what do I want to do? Recent dramas between myself and my father had been forcing issues about why I'm the only one teaching ballet class and my feeling of inadequacy because nothing I do seems to satisfy him. He points out that he's very hard on me so that, in the future, when I take over the school, I'll be okay.
Ah, the future. Thanks to Daddy, it has become the Concern of the Moment.
And then that thing with my Research prof came up. Because of her little speech, I start to feel inadequate about myself, as if my entire lifetime I did not train to dance ballet, to teach ballet, to restage ballet, to analyze ballet, to criticize ballet, to understand ballet. Beyond feeling inadequate, it's also feeling guilty that I had been trained to do all that and I have nothing to show for, except my undergrad thesis which doesn't count, as implied by my professor who wrote her entire PhD dissertation in Tagalog, top that. Which is why I feel it is my duty to uplift ballet to a higher status in this country. Because I'm the only one who can (among the other dance majors I went to school with, I mean). And, apparently, if I don't do so, nobody else will.
Which brings us to today. Like I said, I was trained to be the all around ballet expert. And yet, when I go to my ballet company to dance, I am just a dancer. I know how to construct entire ballets and teach them to six years olds to perform onstage, forgive me if I get pissed off at bunglers whose idea of teaching a dance is talking amongst themselves what the steps are, marking them and expecting you to get everything from that.
But I am not anybody in this ballet company. I am just a dancer.
I look at my life and think, what had become of "the smartest dance major" after she had gone to join the real world? I know that it's just major PMS, but I never imagined that I would end up an inconsequential back up dancer, a graduate student who's in denial that she's in over her head, a teacher dreading the day she'll "take over."
I know it will all work out eventually, some way or other. I hope I never have to feel this badly about a rehearsal again.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
"on this page, you'll see a little girl giggling at a hippopotamus..."
I put Frou Frou on the CD player today and two songs into the CD, Jacqui asks me, "What's this you're listening to?" "Frou Frou," I reply. "She's French." Jacqui nods. After the third song, I said, "You want to listen to something?" She doesn't say anything. After the fourth song, the music turns into Incubus.
This reminds me of the Veto in Empire Records. If you haven't seen the movie, they're a bunch of kids who work in a record store and they get to practice their Veto: if someone in the store plays music that even one of them can't stand, they sound off an alarm (a police siren complete with lights) that stops the music and opens the CD player so that you can change the CD. In the movie, it was usually Mark (Ethan Embry) who got vetoed because his death metal grated on everybody else. High Fidelity the movie reminds me of the Veto in Empire Records as well.
Anyway, my sister has recently been falling in love with music that I had been in love with for a long time, music that she had been ignoring while I listen to them, music that she only discovers on her own when I have started to listen to other stuff. This includes, chronologically, Incubus' S.C.I.E.N.C.E., the song "Night and Day," and Alice Peacock's album. Now, she listens to these like she had discovered them by herself and I had no idea what they were about. I doubt she'll ever feel the same way about Frou Frou, but then she always surprises me.
Sisters. You can't live without them and you can't stuff them back into your mother.
This reminds me of the Veto in Empire Records. If you haven't seen the movie, they're a bunch of kids who work in a record store and they get to practice their Veto: if someone in the store plays music that even one of them can't stand, they sound off an alarm (a police siren complete with lights) that stops the music and opens the CD player so that you can change the CD. In the movie, it was usually Mark (Ethan Embry) who got vetoed because his death metal grated on everybody else. High Fidelity the movie reminds me of the Veto in Empire Records as well.
Anyway, my sister has recently been falling in love with music that I had been in love with for a long time, music that she had been ignoring while I listen to them, music that she only discovers on her own when I have started to listen to other stuff. This includes, chronologically, Incubus' S.C.I.E.N.C.E., the song "Night and Day," and Alice Peacock's album. Now, she listens to these like she had discovered them by herself and I had no idea what they were about. I doubt she'll ever feel the same way about Frou Frou, but then she always surprises me.
Sisters. You can't live without them and you can't stuff them back into your mother.
something bigger than me (there are lots)
I went to my Research class today. It filled my head with lots of thoughts, most disturbingly that there's a lot of things to do with regards to schorlarly studies in the Philippines in ballet and it feels like that it's my responsibility to amend that.
Okay, why me? Sure, when I was a dance major in UP, I really did believe I could make ballet something in this country, elevate its status as a respected art form. But I did not do that when I graduated. I quit dancing and joined the wonderful world of pop and not-so-pop music, media whoring, and other music portal/record company - related bullshit. My dad would not get off my case about my taking my master's and I did - and I bugged Mayo for that job writing dance reviews for Malaya to keep me grounded in that old life that I had long ago forgotten. But I was not taking it seriously. If I were, I would have really immersed myself in the Art Studies department; perhaps I would be teaching on a University level. Instead, I screamed at rock bands at 2 in the morning, slept with rockstars, wrote cheesy press releases on recording artists I don't even listen to, babysat showbands at magazine photo shoots, learned to make compelling ads for soulless album repacks under thirty minutes. Well, there were a lot of other things I'm not as ashamed of, but I was making a point.
And so here I found myself today, in Research class, listening to my professor tell me that I'm attempting to swim in a convoluted sea (I had just explained to her my thesis topic and what I wanted to write about) because nobody has ever written about ballet. There are only four major monographs on dance (one, she wrote herself) and none of them dealt with ballet - they were all about Philippine dance, the ati-atihan, the subli, the pang alay, and Igorot dances (I think). Her point was I could do a survey of the history of ballet in the Philippines and merely skim the surface or I could choose that one topic I wanted and really dig deep. She was not encouraging with either choice that was offered.
I think she didn't think I knew enough about ballet to write this thesis. She knows I dance with PBT, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can write an important paper on ballet in the Philippines. So I'm thinking, should I be writing that survey of ballet history instead. Which made me think I don't fricking want to write a survey of fricking ballet history in the Philippines. I am not taking my Master's in Art History, in the first place, it's Art Theory and Criticism.
But maybe I should?
That lead me to thinking I could propose to the NCCA that I write this history of ballet in the Philippines and have it published and whee, I have added to the body of knowledge about ballet in the Philippines (which would have previously been nil). And maybe I should get more serious about uplifting the status of ballet in the Philippines again. Which includes applying to teach, perhaps applying for grants to write more stuff, which leads to other things I have not been thinking about in the longest. And maybe then people may think I do know what I want to write about.
Why is it always about proving something to other people? Must. Change. That.
Maybe I should do all these things that made my mind go a-whirl today. But I feel so fricking tired.
Okay, why me? Sure, when I was a dance major in UP, I really did believe I could make ballet something in this country, elevate its status as a respected art form. But I did not do that when I graduated. I quit dancing and joined the wonderful world of pop and not-so-pop music, media whoring, and other music portal/record company - related bullshit. My dad would not get off my case about my taking my master's and I did - and I bugged Mayo for that job writing dance reviews for Malaya to keep me grounded in that old life that I had long ago forgotten. But I was not taking it seriously. If I were, I would have really immersed myself in the Art Studies department; perhaps I would be teaching on a University level. Instead, I screamed at rock bands at 2 in the morning, slept with rockstars, wrote cheesy press releases on recording artists I don't even listen to, babysat showbands at magazine photo shoots, learned to make compelling ads for soulless album repacks under thirty minutes. Well, there were a lot of other things I'm not as ashamed of, but I was making a point.
And so here I found myself today, in Research class, listening to my professor tell me that I'm attempting to swim in a convoluted sea (I had just explained to her my thesis topic and what I wanted to write about) because nobody has ever written about ballet. There are only four major monographs on dance (one, she wrote herself) and none of them dealt with ballet - they were all about Philippine dance, the ati-atihan, the subli, the pang alay, and Igorot dances (I think). Her point was I could do a survey of the history of ballet in the Philippines and merely skim the surface or I could choose that one topic I wanted and really dig deep. She was not encouraging with either choice that was offered.
I think she didn't think I knew enough about ballet to write this thesis. She knows I dance with PBT, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can write an important paper on ballet in the Philippines. So I'm thinking, should I be writing that survey of ballet history instead. Which made me think I don't fricking want to write a survey of fricking ballet history in the Philippines. I am not taking my Master's in Art History, in the first place, it's Art Theory and Criticism.
But maybe I should?
That lead me to thinking I could propose to the NCCA that I write this history of ballet in the Philippines and have it published and whee, I have added to the body of knowledge about ballet in the Philippines (which would have previously been nil). And maybe I should get more serious about uplifting the status of ballet in the Philippines again. Which includes applying to teach, perhaps applying for grants to write more stuff, which leads to other things I have not been thinking about in the longest. And maybe then people may think I do know what I want to write about.
Why is it always about proving something to other people? Must. Change. That.
Maybe I should do all these things that made my mind go a-whirl today. But I feel so fricking tired.
Friday, December 03, 2004
"is this it is this it is this it?"
Three-fourths of Makati (and the rest of Metro Manila) were closed down for the night because of the storm. And yet, you could not keep me away.
"Thousands stranded in Bicol..."
But Bicol is so far away. At least four hours or so. I feel sad for them, I really do. I'm glad I live in the city.
"Are you still going out? The weather's insane and two transformers had just exploded outside our house."
The weather doesn't seem that insane. And he wants to see me.
"Tsk."
Hee hee.
"GAGA KA. BAKIT KA NASA LABAS? PLEASE GO HOME HANGGAT HINDI KA PA STRANDED NG BAGYO. IT'S VERY STRONG NA HERE."
Hmmm, it must be really strong in the South.
"...go press that dissonance if you dare..."
Cozy, in the car, a slight drizzle outside, and no wind. It's only ten in the evening but it feels like 3 in the morning, or some such ungodly hour. The world outside is quieter than any dry sleepy night. The world inside is full of laughter as I lose a "Name That Tune" game.
"We're in the eye of the storm."
Seems like.
"I REALLY HOPE UR HOME. GO HOME NA SO I CAN STOP WORRYING."
But I am home. And I'm happy. I can worry about the rest of the world tomorrow.
"Thousands stranded in Bicol..."
But Bicol is so far away. At least four hours or so. I feel sad for them, I really do. I'm glad I live in the city.
"Are you still going out? The weather's insane and two transformers had just exploded outside our house."
The weather doesn't seem that insane. And he wants to see me.
"Tsk."
Hee hee.
"GAGA KA. BAKIT KA NASA LABAS? PLEASE GO HOME HANGGAT HINDI KA PA STRANDED NG BAGYO. IT'S VERY STRONG NA HERE."
Hmmm, it must be really strong in the South.
"...go press that dissonance if you dare..."
Cozy, in the car, a slight drizzle outside, and no wind. It's only ten in the evening but it feels like 3 in the morning, or some such ungodly hour. The world outside is quieter than any dry sleepy night. The world inside is full of laughter as I lose a "Name That Tune" game.
"We're in the eye of the storm."
Seems like.
"I REALLY HOPE UR HOME. GO HOME NA SO I CAN STOP WORRYING."
But I am home. And I'm happy. I can worry about the rest of the world tomorrow.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
owning a laptop roxxxx!
I've been really immersed in Sandra Cisneros' Caramelo, a story about a Mexican family living in the US taking a vacation one summer in the Awful Grandmother's house. In recounting the tale of this one summer, Lala, the protagonist not my friend the cat, realizes a lot about her family and the kind of person she had become as a result, as well as displays all these culture-rich facets of her Mexico.
I really love the parallelism to my own country as there are very many similarities that I had been relating to. For example: Befriending the daughter of the woman who washes clothes for you and it being frowned upon by your cousins until you're made to see (or believe that you see) why she is considered an "untouchable" and you don't want to talk to her, much less look at her, anymore. And other stuff. Lala is a child in the chronology of this story, so Cisneros tells her story as a child but tells it both with the innocence of a child and the wisdom of a mature woman remembering the story. It's fascinating how it all melds together and makes sense.
One of the reasons why I'm very impressed with this book that I'm already writing about it even while I'm not done reading it is I feel very staggered by her writing style. Female Latina writers always do this to me, make me want to write, and at the same time, make me feel so inadequate that my own writing isn't any good. What am I writing about, what do I want to encompass?
In the States, there's this thing called NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month. Participants try to finish their novel in a month, with an alloted number of words they have to accomplish each day, to be workshopped, I guess by the organizers. I'm not quite sure what all the details are; I didn't bother to check as 1. I'm not quite eligible to join (I assume that I have to be a citizen of the US of A, but I could be wrong), 2. I'm not ready to write a novel in a month.
My LJ friend Phinnia had joined NaNoWriMo and I've been reading her novel in a little community she made for all her writing (she's the only one who can post in her community, where she puts in chunks of her novel, while the members of this community can read her novel and comment, sort of a mini-workshop already). I've been holding this Waya story, er Maria story, too long in my head that I think maybe drastic measures should be taken for it to be written down. I have yet to do the same as Phinnia is doing, I totally lack the discipline and I have two jobs and my master's thesis to worry about. But, like I said, drastic measures. And then here's Sandra Cisneros rubbing in my face that greatness belongs to only a chosen few. Well, it seems like.
If I ever decide to do the same and post my chapters in LJ the way Phinnia does them, you, my friends will have to open LJ accounts to read it as I'll have the entries friends-locked. Or I could see you at the book launch. I hope.
I really love the parallelism to my own country as there are very many similarities that I had been relating to. For example: Befriending the daughter of the woman who washes clothes for you and it being frowned upon by your cousins until you're made to see (or believe that you see) why she is considered an "untouchable" and you don't want to talk to her, much less look at her, anymore. And other stuff. Lala is a child in the chronology of this story, so Cisneros tells her story as a child but tells it both with the innocence of a child and the wisdom of a mature woman remembering the story. It's fascinating how it all melds together and makes sense.
One of the reasons why I'm very impressed with this book that I'm already writing about it even while I'm not done reading it is I feel very staggered by her writing style. Female Latina writers always do this to me, make me want to write, and at the same time, make me feel so inadequate that my own writing isn't any good. What am I writing about, what do I want to encompass?
In the States, there's this thing called NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month. Participants try to finish their novel in a month, with an alloted number of words they have to accomplish each day, to be workshopped, I guess by the organizers. I'm not quite sure what all the details are; I didn't bother to check as 1. I'm not quite eligible to join (I assume that I have to be a citizen of the US of A, but I could be wrong), 2. I'm not ready to write a novel in a month.
My LJ friend Phinnia had joined NaNoWriMo and I've been reading her novel in a little community she made for all her writing (she's the only one who can post in her community, where she puts in chunks of her novel, while the members of this community can read her novel and comment, sort of a mini-workshop already). I've been holding this Waya story, er Maria story, too long in my head that I think maybe drastic measures should be taken for it to be written down. I have yet to do the same as Phinnia is doing, I totally lack the discipline and I have two jobs and my master's thesis to worry about. But, like I said, drastic measures. And then here's Sandra Cisneros rubbing in my face that greatness belongs to only a chosen few. Well, it seems like.
If I ever decide to do the same and post my chapters in LJ the way Phinnia does them, you, my friends will have to open LJ accounts to read it as I'll have the entries friends-locked. Or I could see you at the book launch. I hope.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
arriving at the right time, the very time we need it
NAMCYA Ballet update: Jared won Gold, Tara won Silver. Tiffany did very well in her enchainements and her classical variation but her energy was down during the modern and it was apparent (according to those who watched) that the modern variation was very important to the judges. I have already spoken to Tiffany and she's pretty okay with the results, as she had been okay even before the week of the finals started. I'm glad, because she values her self improvement than any kind of external validation.
One thing I did regret though was not being able to watch. True, I couldn't leave my school last weekend and true, I didn't have the details as my phone was dead since Thursday, but I did want to show some kind of support and I couldn't even do that because my phone was, as I said, deader than a doornail.
Next year will be the category for the 18 to 25 year olds. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if NAMCYA had opened a ballet division back when I was younger. Would I lose enough weight to compete? Would I have won or lost, given the competitors (I can already imagine who I would be up against)? What would it have done to my self esteem and self respect, either way?
I realize that I probably wouldn't have been able to lose the weight earlier than last year, therefore, I would probably have lost the competition if I had joined, as I would be unable to lose the weight then. Kinda reiterates that everything that has happened to me has been for a reason. I don't know if God really takes this much care over each individual in the universe, but I assume He does and I'm inclined to think that He's quite amazing.
One thing I did regret though was not being able to watch. True, I couldn't leave my school last weekend and true, I didn't have the details as my phone was dead since Thursday, but I did want to show some kind of support and I couldn't even do that because my phone was, as I said, deader than a doornail.
Next year will be the category for the 18 to 25 year olds. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if NAMCYA had opened a ballet division back when I was younger. Would I lose enough weight to compete? Would I have won or lost, given the competitors (I can already imagine who I would be up against)? What would it have done to my self esteem and self respect, either way?
I realize that I probably wouldn't have been able to lose the weight earlier than last year, therefore, I would probably have lost the competition if I had joined, as I would be unable to lose the weight then. Kinda reiterates that everything that has happened to me has been for a reason. I don't know if God really takes this much care over each individual in the universe, but I assume He does and I'm inclined to think that He's quite amazing.
Monday, November 29, 2004
but first, a little vanity
I mentioned it here, so I have to update my thoughts on the matter here as well.
If you remember, I wrote about a recent photo shoot where I felt particularly ugly and unattractive and unphotogenic. Luis even sent me an SMS after reading it that I had no right to feel that way (but in his sweet, gentlemanly manner, of course). Still, I felt really panget in that photo shoot and I was inconsolable.
First why? - The photog didn't want me to smile my normal smile. He kept saying, "Not too big, smaller smile..." and I couldn't do it, and he had to make me blow air from my mouth to relax my lips and "Now, small smile." I was not accustomed to this and felt like a freak.
Fast forward a few months to the release of Isang Bagong Bituin souvenir programmes. Most of the photos used in the company artists section were from that photo shoot. I had seen most of them before in the MB programme, but not mine because we had, well, been on leave. In this programme, I was very shocked to see my photo - I was gorgeous. Not even just okay looking, given how bad I felt about the photo shoot, but I was so stunning (as in, I stunned myself) that I couldn't keep my eyes off it.
You know how there's a certain way you know you can look in pictures and wish you looked like that 24/7? Or, at least, in every picture taken of you? This was the very look I always wanted.
I loved it so much that my Dad was making fun of me. At first, while staring at myself in the programme, I kept saying, "Shit, ang ganda ko! Grabe!" And he would say, "Sino naman nagsabi na ang ganda mo?" And I would smile and say, "Ako, baket?"
Mom said, "Sanay na sanay ka na sa Daddy mo no?" and I said, "You know, Ma, I think I kinda look like you here..." because something about the photo looked really familiar to me. And Daddy said, "Ay, ang kapal ng mukha mo!" Amid the laughter, I finally got it and said, "I know now! I look like Mamia's portrait!"
Mamia has this big painting of herself as an early 20-year old hanging in her living room. She's very gorgeous in it that she jokes that it's not even her. "Tisay ka na pala," Mom chides as Daddy exclaims, "Nako, ang ambisyosa!!!!"
Later, Mom tells me how all her sisters-in-law are always saying that Mamia's old pictures all look like me. "Maybe you'll also look more tisay when you get older," she adds. Ha, pigs will fly. But then, I guess there must be a really valid reason why I'm Mamia's favorite in the first place, other than I'm her first granddaughter.
If you remember, I wrote about a recent photo shoot where I felt particularly ugly and unattractive and unphotogenic. Luis even sent me an SMS after reading it that I had no right to feel that way (but in his sweet, gentlemanly manner, of course). Still, I felt really panget in that photo shoot and I was inconsolable.
First why? - The photog didn't want me to smile my normal smile. He kept saying, "Not too big, smaller smile..." and I couldn't do it, and he had to make me blow air from my mouth to relax my lips and "Now, small smile." I was not accustomed to this and felt like a freak.
Fast forward a few months to the release of Isang Bagong Bituin souvenir programmes. Most of the photos used in the company artists section were from that photo shoot. I had seen most of them before in the MB programme, but not mine because we had, well, been on leave. In this programme, I was very shocked to see my photo - I was gorgeous. Not even just okay looking, given how bad I felt about the photo shoot, but I was so stunning (as in, I stunned myself) that I couldn't keep my eyes off it.
You know how there's a certain way you know you can look in pictures and wish you looked like that 24/7? Or, at least, in every picture taken of you? This was the very look I always wanted.
I loved it so much that my Dad was making fun of me. At first, while staring at myself in the programme, I kept saying, "Shit, ang ganda ko! Grabe!" And he would say, "Sino naman nagsabi na ang ganda mo?" And I would smile and say, "Ako, baket?"
Mom said, "Sanay na sanay ka na sa Daddy mo no?" and I said, "You know, Ma, I think I kinda look like you here..." because something about the photo looked really familiar to me. And Daddy said, "Ay, ang kapal ng mukha mo!" Amid the laughter, I finally got it and said, "I know now! I look like Mamia's portrait!"
Mamia has this big painting of herself as an early 20-year old hanging in her living room. She's very gorgeous in it that she jokes that it's not even her. "Tisay ka na pala," Mom chides as Daddy exclaims, "Nako, ang ambisyosa!!!!"
Later, Mom tells me how all her sisters-in-law are always saying that Mamia's old pictures all look like me. "Maybe you'll also look more tisay when you get older," she adds. Ha, pigs will fly. But then, I guess there must be a really valid reason why I'm Mamia's favorite in the first place, other than I'm her first granddaughter.
mishaps, gluttony and wasn't watching how you spend money a new year's resolution?
My phone crashed again. Keep two hundred messages in the inbox and guess what happens. Anyway, I should by now learn my lesson about my cellphone crashing because it's not cheap to get it fixed.
I had a really tough weekend (yeah, what else is new) and part of it was feeling that I was indeed spoiling myself too much and what kind of glutton I have become. But not having a cellphone over the weekend made me realize how important it still is to me; perhaps not as important as when I was organizing press interviews and photo shoots for Tata Young, but important still.
The punished glutton in me was also feeling very bad about not earning enough money to the kind of lifestyle I had become accustomed. Either I find more means or I learn to live within them. Here's where my phone fits in. I may have mentioned I have a second job: it's freelance work and it hasn't really kicked in yet, but rushing myself to meet deadlines was quite difficult if I didn't have a way to talk to my editor, who has a first job similar to mine. So while I was feeling guilty that my phone was good for nothing and deserved to be on the fritz, panicking over the article I had to submit last Friday reminded me not to give in to melodrama as everything has its own importance some way or other.
Yes, I notice that I'm starting to talk like some weird zenmaster. That's just me, coping.
----
By the way. Since my phone stores numbers and messages in the phone and not on the SIM and I have no idea how to transfer them to either SIM or memory card (what for to have a 32 mb memory card? To store pics and videos, of course...), I lost all (almost all) your numbers again. Do me a favor please and send me a text, but let me know it's you. I still have the same number. Thank the lord for small favors. And thank you! Mwah!
I had a really tough weekend (yeah, what else is new) and part of it was feeling that I was indeed spoiling myself too much and what kind of glutton I have become. But not having a cellphone over the weekend made me realize how important it still is to me; perhaps not as important as when I was organizing press interviews and photo shoots for Tata Young, but important still.
The punished glutton in me was also feeling very bad about not earning enough money to the kind of lifestyle I had become accustomed. Either I find more means or I learn to live within them. Here's where my phone fits in. I may have mentioned I have a second job: it's freelance work and it hasn't really kicked in yet, but rushing myself to meet deadlines was quite difficult if I didn't have a way to talk to my editor, who has a first job similar to mine. So while I was feeling guilty that my phone was good for nothing and deserved to be on the fritz, panicking over the article I had to submit last Friday reminded me not to give in to melodrama as everything has its own importance some way or other.
Yes, I notice that I'm starting to talk like some weird zenmaster. That's just me, coping.
----
By the way. Since my phone stores numbers and messages in the phone and not on the SIM and I have no idea how to transfer them to either SIM or memory card (what for to have a 32 mb memory card? To store pics and videos, of course...), I lost all (almost all) your numbers again. Do me a favor please and send me a text, but let me know it's you. I still have the same number. Thank the lord for small favors. And thank you! Mwah!
Friday, November 26, 2004
first, last, always
I stole this meme from LJ. Whee.
First name: Joelle
First nick name: Joelle
First school: Benedictine Abbey School for just a year.
First word(s) spoken: Ma, probably
First CD purchased: I have to really think about this. I only started buying CDs late in life because I would rather buy tapes for my walkman. And then I got jobs where I get them free. Argh, I hate having to think when I happily wasn't prior to.
First job: Teacher Joelle when I was thirteen.
First time on TV: my dad's students and I danced on Discorama, back when Aga Muhlach and Gretchen Barredo were still an item and singing/lipsynching to each other on TV hahaha
First time in the newspaper: I'm sure it was ballet related. I kinda remember a press release for a show under my dad's school. The earliest one I kept is also a press release for another show, for my college dance company, and I don't look like myself.
First screen name: Joelle Jacinto, now a legend. Seriously, it really creeps me out when anybody says to me, "You're Joelle Jacinto?!" (Enter hirit: "How could you not know?" hahahaha...)
First pet: I got them together, so two dogs, Starsky and Hutch.
First piercing/tattoo: Ears, I was two, I think. Or earlier. My mom's a sadist.
First credit card: I'm careful with my Dad's, hehe.
First enemy: Grade school, I wouldn't go to this girl's house. She said bad things about me to people. Later on, we have a confrontation and become friends again. She was very pleased when I went to her house to hang out. I remember thinking she must be very lonely.
First big trip: I know my dad took me to Cebu on a commercial flight while my mom and sibs took a cargo plane. My dad said I threw up on him.
First concert: In high school, Violent Playground and the other Ten of Another Kind bands played in our school gym. I was impressed there were a lot of local bands who were not the Dawn.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: toss up between Led Zep and Pink Floyd.
First house you lived in: The flat behind my grandparents' house that my Dad had built and lived in as a bachelor pad before marrying my mom. We stayed there three years.
First room color: I remember it was light blue.
First time drunk: Damn, I'm so old that I can't remember. I must have gotten drunk before popping tequilas with my cousins around 1989, but I don't remember.
First time high: I think I was high second hand a lot most of my life. On my own, it was around 95 or 96, it's hazy...
First grade teacher: Ms. Almeda. She was beautiful! She changed her name when she got married.
First time on a roller coaster: the Space Shuttle at Enchanted Kingdom in 95; I was a big Octopus fan before that.
Last car ride: Home to the Las Pinas house from a date, yihee.
Last good cry: Right after the second movement of Classical Symphony during the Saturday matinee because my heels were killing me. I guess people are bothered, seeing me cry, as I'm supposed to be a pillar of strength or something like that. Erica told Mitzi, "I want to cry too!" as Mitzi swatted her face.
Hmmm. Though I did shed a few tears last night. Just a bit. They weren't sad or anything.
Last magazine you read: It's been a while. I haven't looked at a magazine in months.
Last library book checked out: An actual book - Ways of Seeing by John Berger.
Last movie seen: King Arthur - panalo! It's so strange, I always favor the bloke who DOESN'T get Guinevere; in this version, kinikilig lang ako watching Lancelot cast furtive glances on her but not making any moves because he's Arthur's friend.
Last TV show watched: Parts of Extra Challenge and a Ginebra-FedEx game which is how my sister watches TV.
Last card game played: I won my first game of Pusoy more than five years ago. Stopped playing cards since.
Last cuss word said: "Putangina!!!" while watching the leader of the Saxon army kill Tristan.
Last words spoken: "Hey, Miss World is on."
Last kiss: Last night.
Last hug: Last night.
Last sleep: Last night. Many things happened last night.
Last food consumed: Spinach and Mushroom pizza from Sbarro.
Last phone call received: a few minutes ago.
Last phone call made: Last night to tell Mom I was going home to the summer house that night.
Last cigarette: This is something I know for sure I will never do.
Last time drunk: Hahaha, I was being handed San Mig Lights August 2003 because I thought I was being cheated on. I've never been that drunk since; I instead get only slightly tipsy.
Last time showered: Yesterday. I will again soon.
Last shoes worn: My white shoes.
Last shirt worn: a black shirt with tiny rainbow-y stripes.
Last pants worn: Do shorts count? If not, it would be Wednesday that I wore my khaki slacks.
Last CD played: Frou Frou! "I'm high enough from all the waiting to ride a wave on your inhaling... 'Cause I love you..."
Last CD bought: Pearl Jam bootlegs. This was a couple months before I was employed in Sony but I wouldn't be able to acquire them anyway, because each bootleg is one copy of its kind, well, in this country at least. I like the ones I got.
Last item bought: Coffee in the House of Expense. And I wonder why I'm so broke.
Last annoyance: Wanting sleep and being unable to get any.
Last amusement: Lancelot's running joke that the other knights would one day be wondering why their kids look like him and the spot on exchange with Guinevere before facing the Saxon army on the ice --
Last thing written on paper: A phone number.
Last key used: The key to my Las Pinas house.
Last person spoken to before sleep: I thanked a handsome man for the ride home. Everyone at home was pretty much conked out by the time I entered my house. I know he isn't a person, but I did pat Doggie on the head and say, "Good Doggie," before I went into the house.
First name: Joelle
First nick name: Joelle
First school: Benedictine Abbey School for just a year.
First word(s) spoken: Ma, probably
First CD purchased: I have to really think about this. I only started buying CDs late in life because I would rather buy tapes for my walkman. And then I got jobs where I get them free. Argh, I hate having to think when I happily wasn't prior to.
First job: Teacher Joelle when I was thirteen.
First time on TV: my dad's students and I danced on Discorama, back when Aga Muhlach and Gretchen Barredo were still an item and singing/lipsynching to each other on TV hahaha
First time in the newspaper: I'm sure it was ballet related. I kinda remember a press release for a show under my dad's school. The earliest one I kept is also a press release for another show, for my college dance company, and I don't look like myself.
First screen name: Joelle Jacinto, now a legend. Seriously, it really creeps me out when anybody says to me, "You're Joelle Jacinto?!" (Enter hirit: "How could you not know?" hahahaha...)
First pet: I got them together, so two dogs, Starsky and Hutch.
First piercing/tattoo: Ears, I was two, I think. Or earlier. My mom's a sadist.
First credit card: I'm careful with my Dad's, hehe.
First enemy: Grade school, I wouldn't go to this girl's house. She said bad things about me to people. Later on, we have a confrontation and become friends again. She was very pleased when I went to her house to hang out. I remember thinking she must be very lonely.
First big trip: I know my dad took me to Cebu on a commercial flight while my mom and sibs took a cargo plane. My dad said I threw up on him.
First concert: In high school, Violent Playground and the other Ten of Another Kind bands played in our school gym. I was impressed there were a lot of local bands who were not the Dawn.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: toss up between Led Zep and Pink Floyd.
First house you lived in: The flat behind my grandparents' house that my Dad had built and lived in as a bachelor pad before marrying my mom. We stayed there three years.
First room color: I remember it was light blue.
First time drunk: Damn, I'm so old that I can't remember. I must have gotten drunk before popping tequilas with my cousins around 1989, but I don't remember.
First time high: I think I was high second hand a lot most of my life. On my own, it was around 95 or 96, it's hazy...
First grade teacher: Ms. Almeda. She was beautiful! She changed her name when she got married.
First time on a roller coaster: the Space Shuttle at Enchanted Kingdom in 95; I was a big Octopus fan before that.
Last car ride: Home to the Las Pinas house from a date, yihee.
Last good cry: Right after the second movement of Classical Symphony during the Saturday matinee because my heels were killing me. I guess people are bothered, seeing me cry, as I'm supposed to be a pillar of strength or something like that. Erica told Mitzi, "I want to cry too!" as Mitzi swatted her face.
Hmmm. Though I did shed a few tears last night. Just a bit. They weren't sad or anything.
Last magazine you read: It's been a while. I haven't looked at a magazine in months.
Last library book checked out: An actual book - Ways of Seeing by John Berger.
Last movie seen: King Arthur - panalo! It's so strange, I always favor the bloke who DOESN'T get Guinevere; in this version, kinikilig lang ako watching Lancelot cast furtive glances on her but not making any moves because he's Arthur's friend.
Last TV show watched: Parts of Extra Challenge and a Ginebra-FedEx game which is how my sister watches TV.
Last card game played: I won my first game of Pusoy more than five years ago. Stopped playing cards since.
Last cuss word said: "Putangina!!!" while watching the leader of the Saxon army kill Tristan.
Last words spoken: "Hey, Miss World is on."
Last kiss: Last night.
Last hug: Last night.
Last sleep: Last night. Many things happened last night.
Last food consumed: Spinach and Mushroom pizza from Sbarro.
Last phone call received: a few minutes ago.
Last phone call made: Last night to tell Mom I was going home to the summer house that night.
Last cigarette: This is something I know for sure I will never do.
Last time drunk: Hahaha, I was being handed San Mig Lights August 2003 because I thought I was being cheated on. I've never been that drunk since; I instead get only slightly tipsy.
Last time showered: Yesterday. I will again soon.
Last shoes worn: My white shoes.
Last shirt worn: a black shirt with tiny rainbow-y stripes.
Last pants worn: Do shorts count? If not, it would be Wednesday that I wore my khaki slacks.
Last CD played: Frou Frou! "I'm high enough from all the waiting to ride a wave on your inhaling... 'Cause I love you..."
Last CD bought: Pearl Jam bootlegs. This was a couple months before I was employed in Sony but I wouldn't be able to acquire them anyway, because each bootleg is one copy of its kind, well, in this country at least. I like the ones I got.
Last item bought: Coffee in the House of Expense. And I wonder why I'm so broke.
Last annoyance: Wanting sleep and being unable to get any.
Last amusement: Lancelot's running joke that the other knights would one day be wondering why their kids look like him and the spot on exchange with Guinevere before facing the Saxon army on the ice --
Lancelot: You look nervous. There are a lot of long-lonely men in that army.
Guinevere: Don't worry, I won't let them rape you.
I love witty repartee. I want to marry it.
Last disappointment: Being tsked at again by people I don't want tsk-ing at me, few weeks ago.
Last soda drank: Coke with pizza.
Last thing written on paper: A phone number.
Last key used: The key to my Las Pinas house.
Last IM: Right now.
Last ice cream eaten: Hmmm, not for a long time. We must rectify that.
Last person spoken to before sleep: I thanked a handsome man for the ride home. Everyone at home was pretty much conked out by the time I entered my house. I know he isn't a person, but I did pat Doggie on the head and say, "Good Doggie," before I went into the house.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
and i hate math enough to not care about counting the points
I saw a bit of an ice skating competition this morning while cleaning my apartment. I normally don't like watching ice skating as I'm worried they'll fall on their butts on the cold ice, but that's just me. I have never wanted to ever ice skate, not even when Megamall was the only place that had ice skating and it was a fad to go ice skating. I have enough of a problem with balance without teetering on bladed shoes on slippery surfaces, thank you very much.
This time, however, I was drawn to the ice skating comp on TV and felt myself thinking lots of comparative stuff to ballet. I'm still not, YAY ICE SKATING! but I concede that it's not easily dismissable. What these girls are doing is Hard. They jump in the air, turning multiple times, and they have to make perfect landings or else they don't get points. The US champion who just came from the Olympics (I think she won the gold) is Michelle Kwan and she did this incredibly difficult leap (so said the commentator) not too well and so she was ranked second place for this heat. I thought she was stunning - she was very expressive and artistic (I loved her, hikbi) and just because she didn't perfect a landing, she was graded poorly. There's gotta be something wrong there.
At this moment, there's a NAMCYA competition for ballet and Tiff, Tara and Jared are all competing. I was thinking lately about how arbitrary competitions are and how grades and points do not capture your measure as a dancer. Sure, I'm very hard on myself when I don't execute a step perfectly, but I sure as hell am glad I'm not graded for each thing I do.
From the last show, I've been thinking that all this nitpicky perfectionism is just for me. The artistry and expression is for the people watching. Put 'em all together and I'll feel like I won a competition. I don't need points or anything - I would know. And so would the people who watch and like what I do.
While waiting for her scores, Michelle Kwan looked bummed; when she saw her scores, she was shrugging and looked, "Oh that's okay." Interviewed, she said, "I have time to relax and regroup, I'll be able to concentrate more for the long program." If she were a ballerina performing onstage, I'm pretty sure she would have gotten screams of "Bravo!!!" and may be a little disappointed, but she might have been happier.
There was this one girl who did a number inspired by Holly Golightly - Breakfast At Tiffany's set to Moon River, and after her piece, she was super happy with what she did. That's what I would feel like: super happy that I had danced my best, never mind what points I get. A couple weeks ago, Tiff and Tara were talking to me about their competition concerns, then Tiff sighed and said, "I don't care if I win, I only hope that I do well." I hope, as she completes her variation, she'll feel like she was super happy that she had danced her best, never mind the points.
Update on my poor heels: they've adequately dried up and I danced in my Gaynors pain free today in a performance of Fiesta. I like that I'm starting not to care too much about the tiny things I didn't do perfectly. Nobody's keeping score anyway.
This time, however, I was drawn to the ice skating comp on TV and felt myself thinking lots of comparative stuff to ballet. I'm still not, YAY ICE SKATING! but I concede that it's not easily dismissable. What these girls are doing is Hard. They jump in the air, turning multiple times, and they have to make perfect landings or else they don't get points. The US champion who just came from the Olympics (I think she won the gold) is Michelle Kwan and she did this incredibly difficult leap (so said the commentator) not too well and so she was ranked second place for this heat. I thought she was stunning - she was very expressive and artistic (I loved her, hikbi) and just because she didn't perfect a landing, she was graded poorly. There's gotta be something wrong there.
At this moment, there's a NAMCYA competition for ballet and Tiff, Tara and Jared are all competing. I was thinking lately about how arbitrary competitions are and how grades and points do not capture your measure as a dancer. Sure, I'm very hard on myself when I don't execute a step perfectly, but I sure as hell am glad I'm not graded for each thing I do.
From the last show, I've been thinking that all this nitpicky perfectionism is just for me. The artistry and expression is for the people watching. Put 'em all together and I'll feel like I won a competition. I don't need points or anything - I would know. And so would the people who watch and like what I do.
While waiting for her scores, Michelle Kwan looked bummed; when she saw her scores, she was shrugging and looked, "Oh that's okay." Interviewed, she said, "I have time to relax and regroup, I'll be able to concentrate more for the long program." If she were a ballerina performing onstage, I'm pretty sure she would have gotten screams of "Bravo!!!" and may be a little disappointed, but she might have been happier.
There was this one girl who did a number inspired by Holly Golightly - Breakfast At Tiffany's set to Moon River, and after her piece, she was super happy with what she did. That's what I would feel like: super happy that I had danced my best, never mind what points I get. A couple weeks ago, Tiff and Tara were talking to me about their competition concerns, then Tiff sighed and said, "I don't care if I win, I only hope that I do well." I hope, as she completes her variation, she'll feel like she was super happy that she had danced her best, never mind the points.
Update on my poor heels: they've adequately dried up and I danced in my Gaynors pain free today in a performance of Fiesta. I like that I'm starting not to care too much about the tiny things I didn't do perfectly. Nobody's keeping score anyway.
time offline
Relaxing in the Las Pinas summer house after the show. A little birdy (not me, though it's possible) used up all the internet, but I didn't skedaddle getting new creds for the dial up as I was doing other stuff that I've been neglecting. I finished a load of laundry, organized my closets, repaired my nice ballet shoes, tinkered with my laptop, started writing my new assignment for job #2. I also wrote in my offline journal - important stuff I want to keep to myself, thoughts about my show, conversations I've been having with my favorite man, plans I want to make. I feel good.
I also relaxed my heel. In my last entry, I complained about my heel bothering me, well here's why: there's a blister the size of a ten cent coin on my right heel, it hurt slightly the first two shows but really nearly killed me on the Saturday matinee and I couldn't walk or jump. Then, on the evening show, my other heel felt left out and started to open up a blister all its own.
Why I got them: my Gaynors are too small for me? Tara says she also got blisters on her heels the first time she wore Gaynors so it's not quite a foreign thing; she advised me not to peel off my callouses if I wanted to be able to use my Gaynors for a long time.
After dancing this weekend trying to zen myself from all that pain, I realized that my pain threshold must have gone up a bunch of notches. BDS&M, here we come.
Well, if I wanted to, of course, hehehe.
I also relaxed my heel. In my last entry, I complained about my heel bothering me, well here's why: there's a blister the size of a ten cent coin on my right heel, it hurt slightly the first two shows but really nearly killed me on the Saturday matinee and I couldn't walk or jump. Then, on the evening show, my other heel felt left out and started to open up a blister all its own.
Why I got them: my Gaynors are too small for me? Tara says she also got blisters on her heels the first time she wore Gaynors so it's not quite a foreign thing; she advised me not to peel off my callouses if I wanted to be able to use my Gaynors for a long time.
After dancing this weekend trying to zen myself from all that pain, I realized that my pain threshold must have gone up a bunch of notches. BDS&M, here we come.
Well, if I wanted to, of course, hehehe.
Friday, November 19, 2004
happy opening night!
I could nitpick and enumerate everything that went wrong with my dancing tonight(there were three, hehe), but I will not do that. Instead, I will recall one of the nice things that happened.
It's the last movement of Classical Symphony and standing on the side too long has made me forget to smile. It also has me wanting to get the dance over with already.
Then, Aileen temps leves into my line of vision and I watch her dance and see how animated and full of joy her face is even though I know she's always freaking out at this part because she can't seem to remember where to put her arms. She does it flawlessly of course and I am reminded why I'm dancing. It becomes easier to dance from that point onward.
We have two other ballets to complete before the end of the show. The audience loved Isang Bagong Bituin and everyone is happy kissing and hugging each other after the curtain has stopped going up for our bows. I am happy - more than, actually - but I don't go kissing and hugging, I'm already thinking about tomorrow's show, hoping it's better than tonight, not just as good as. Also, my damn heel is killing me, so I bend over on my way out to the dressing rooms, and pull the heel off my pointes.
Then someone grabs me and shakes me and says a very heartfelt, "Hoy, congrats sa 'yo!" I look up and it's Aileen, the original Bituin. I'm stunned and it dawns on me that tonight really was a job well done.
That's just one of the nice things about tonight. There are lots. In the long run, those happier things, and not the tiny mistakes that no one even notices, are the ones that really matter.
It's the last movement of Classical Symphony and standing on the side too long has made me forget to smile. It also has me wanting to get the dance over with already.
Then, Aileen temps leves into my line of vision and I watch her dance and see how animated and full of joy her face is even though I know she's always freaking out at this part because she can't seem to remember where to put her arms. She does it flawlessly of course and I am reminded why I'm dancing. It becomes easier to dance from that point onward.
We have two other ballets to complete before the end of the show. The audience loved Isang Bagong Bituin and everyone is happy kissing and hugging each other after the curtain has stopped going up for our bows. I am happy - more than, actually - but I don't go kissing and hugging, I'm already thinking about tomorrow's show, hoping it's better than tonight, not just as good as. Also, my damn heel is killing me, so I bend over on my way out to the dressing rooms, and pull the heel off my pointes.
Then someone grabs me and shakes me and says a very heartfelt, "Hoy, congrats sa 'yo!" I look up and it's Aileen, the original Bituin. I'm stunned and it dawns on me that tonight really was a job well done.
That's just one of the nice things about tonight. There are lots. In the long run, those happier things, and not the tiny mistakes that no one even notices, are the ones that really matter.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
i want my sleepyhouse... but first i blog...
I had a horrible last three days, mainly due to ballet and trying to get my life to fit everything I wanted to throw in. I was awake too long and my body needed the sleep pretty badly as I'm in too many dances this show and I have to be awake early to teach still. I don't get enough rest. I had a few hours sleep both Friday and Saturday nights and all day Sunday, I wanted to curl up somewhere nice and warm and just fizz out. I got to bed only around 6:30 in the afternoon and when I woke up the next morning, it still didn't feel like it was enough.
When I got to CCP, I felt like one of the walking dead. I waded through Anatoli's class like I was watching it in a movie instead of real participation. I blocked the dances so quietly, I was expecting people to think an alien invaded my body and didn't know what a loudmouth I usually am.
I perked up during the run-through. Although there are sections that were confusing - getting used to the stage the first day is always confusing, but add all the changes they keep putting in - I was back to my old self and was dancing happily.
The way there is hard and I should've stayed away from fries and mayo tonight, but dancing rocks. I do believe I enjoy it more when I'm the only one I have to think about.
I gotta hit the sack. I finish enrollment tomorrow and I have to get everything done by noon. Wednesday morning, I watch Saranggola ni Pepe. And in between all that and production week, I have to write an article about businesses preparing for February. Now that I've acknowledged I'm not Supergirl (or Elastigirl, hoho), I realize what a dork I am doing all this the week of my show. God give me strength.
When I got to CCP, I felt like one of the walking dead. I waded through Anatoli's class like I was watching it in a movie instead of real participation. I blocked the dances so quietly, I was expecting people to think an alien invaded my body and didn't know what a loudmouth I usually am.
I perked up during the run-through. Although there are sections that were confusing - getting used to the stage the first day is always confusing, but add all the changes they keep putting in - I was back to my old self and was dancing happily.
The way there is hard and I should've stayed away from fries and mayo tonight, but dancing rocks. I do believe I enjoy it more when I'm the only one I have to think about.
I gotta hit the sack. I finish enrollment tomorrow and I have to get everything done by noon. Wednesday morning, I watch Saranggola ni Pepe. And in between all that and production week, I have to write an article about businesses preparing for February. Now that I've acknowledged I'm not Supergirl (or Elastigirl, hoho), I realize what a dork I am doing all this the week of my show. God give me strength.
Friday, November 12, 2004
which brings us right here
The strangest thing happened to me the other day and, stranger, it only bothered me today. Well, it sort of bothered me the other day, but I pushed it from my mind because I had rehearsals and I had other fun stuff to do and I seem to have a filter for the bad things that happen to me, at least recently. But I got to thinking about it today, during rehearsal, and I decided I wanted to say something about it and then leave it in peace.
The reason why I'm blogging about it is it's about my blog. Well, about my last blog, not The Sleepyhouse. But it's related to why The Sleepyhouse exists, so there.
I ran out of masking tape and went to the office to scrounge for some and while taping my feet, administration (well, it's just Cherie, Tito G and Angie now) were all aflurry with getting press releases and invites to the press. Tito G was non-stop, "Text brigade!!! And get it on the internet, email details, whatever you can! 50% off!!!!" I said, "I put it on my blog already."
As soon as I said that, I was a bit glad that everyone may not have heard me because 1. I didn't want to really get into what a blog was and 2. I wasn't going to show Tito G what I wrote about him not finishing his choreography on my blog. And then Cherie sweetly said, "I've seen your blog, Joelle."
First thought was, oh well, Tito G may find it cute the way I said it. Then, Cherie continued and said, "It was an entry about being happy that everyone were like one big happy family and the company being close-knit."
WTF?
I then realized, she meant my last blog, Joelle So Far on jete.blogspot. It was an entry I wrote during La Bayadere. I meant it at the time, but that was before certain people thought we had stabbed them in the back.
Because of my killing Jete, I vowed never to blog about people who work my nerves and why; most especially people in the community I work in. But can I just say that whatever I blogged that day, I super take it all back. One big happy family my fat ass.
In rehearsal, though, I felt a small compensation to see that what happened because of our disappearance did not turn out to be so bad. Quite the opposite. As a result, certain people got chances to dance things that they normally wouldn't have enjoyed. And I found I could do things beyond all known philosophies. Cryptic, I know, but I don't want to go into detail, lest Cherie googles a word or two in the future and finds this blog.
In a nutshell, may I reiterate: the universe knows what's due us. Peace out.
The reason why I'm blogging about it is it's about my blog. Well, about my last blog, not The Sleepyhouse. But it's related to why The Sleepyhouse exists, so there.
I ran out of masking tape and went to the office to scrounge for some and while taping my feet, administration (well, it's just Cherie, Tito G and Angie now) were all aflurry with getting press releases and invites to the press. Tito G was non-stop, "Text brigade!!! And get it on the internet, email details, whatever you can! 50% off!!!!" I said, "I put it on my blog already."
As soon as I said that, I was a bit glad that everyone may not have heard me because 1. I didn't want to really get into what a blog was and 2. I wasn't going to show Tito G what I wrote about him not finishing his choreography on my blog. And then Cherie sweetly said, "I've seen your blog, Joelle."
First thought was, oh well, Tito G may find it cute the way I said it. Then, Cherie continued and said, "It was an entry about being happy that everyone were like one big happy family and the company being close-knit."
WTF?
I then realized, she meant my last blog, Joelle So Far on jete.blogspot. It was an entry I wrote during La Bayadere. I meant it at the time, but that was before certain people thought we had stabbed them in the back.
Because of my killing Jete, I vowed never to blog about people who work my nerves and why; most especially people in the community I work in. But can I just say that whatever I blogged that day, I super take it all back. One big happy family my fat ass.
In rehearsal, though, I felt a small compensation to see that what happened because of our disappearance did not turn out to be so bad. Quite the opposite. As a result, certain people got chances to dance things that they normally wouldn't have enjoyed. And I found I could do things beyond all known philosophies. Cryptic, I know, but I don't want to go into detail, lest Cherie googles a word or two in the future and finds this blog.
In a nutshell, may I reiterate: the universe knows what's due us. Peace out.
first thought: ew, those baby angels? ew!!!!
Let's take a break from all this ballet angst and breathe. Here's the most wonderful Quizzila quiz ever!
What Angel on the Hierarchy are you?
brought to you by Quizzila
What Angel on the Hierarchy are you?
brought to you by Quizzila
Thursday, November 11, 2004
other people would call me sexy
Jacqui was walking behind me the other day and suddenly said, "Grabe, Joe, ang payat payat mo. But... (scary pause here) you have pwet. And boobs." I look back at her to see her studying me skeptically. When she sees me looking at her, she continues her train of thought and says, "Isn't that great?"
I'm not too worried about my boobs, they'll shrink when I get my period. But I'm not as happy about my supposed kapayatan as my sister is.
I don't feel thin. But I think it's just perspective. I'm PMS-ing and therefore feel the need to stuff my face every five minutes. I feel like I have a huge tummy that I have a hard time sucking in (hence the messed up center). On the upside, I seem to have thinner ankles.
I have always had a complex about my ankles. People give me really cute anklets that I never wear because they make my already thick ankles look thicker. Yes, I've been told that I'm hallucinating, I don't have thick ankles, but yo, these are my legs. I would know. Okay, they're not Nordic peasant girl ankles but they're thick for the size of my legs and if you have short legs like mine, you kinda notice the things that make them them shorter.
In this regard, it may interest you then that my ankles seem to have shrunk somehow. (Well, it interests me!) They're not as thick as they used to be and I do look like I have longer legs. I read somewhere (in my ever endless quest to lose weight) that there are parts of you that get smaller first before other parts do, hence the idea of the trouble spots. I guess, before my trouble spot - my tummy - it's safe to say that fat leaves my body in so far the following sequence: chest, face, arms, back, hips, legs (and by association, ankles).
Now if only my stomach will get with the program.
I'm not too worried about my boobs, they'll shrink when I get my period. But I'm not as happy about my supposed kapayatan as my sister is.
I don't feel thin. But I think it's just perspective. I'm PMS-ing and therefore feel the need to stuff my face every five minutes. I feel like I have a huge tummy that I have a hard time sucking in (hence the messed up center). On the upside, I seem to have thinner ankles.
I have always had a complex about my ankles. People give me really cute anklets that I never wear because they make my already thick ankles look thicker. Yes, I've been told that I'm hallucinating, I don't have thick ankles, but yo, these are my legs. I would know. Okay, they're not Nordic peasant girl ankles but they're thick for the size of my legs and if you have short legs like mine, you kinda notice the things that make them them shorter.
In this regard, it may interest you then that my ankles seem to have shrunk somehow. (Well, it interests me!) They're not as thick as they used to be and I do look like I have longer legs. I read somewhere (in my ever endless quest to lose weight) that there are parts of you that get smaller first before other parts do, hence the idea of the trouble spots. I guess, before my trouble spot - my tummy - it's safe to say that fat leaves my body in so far the following sequence: chest, face, arms, back, hips, legs (and by association, ankles).
Now if only my stomach will get with the program.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
i'm a flash in the pan
I realized something about myself. I can do the amazing tricks, like jumping really high and turning while jumping really high and all sorts of aerodynamic stuff, but I can't do the basic stuff. Okay, not can't but I have a hard time. It's being in class doing adagio that I can't perfect. For girls, adagio should be the most basic thing - even if you're killing yourself lifting your leg that high and moving it around your body. I realize that it may feel like killing myself to me, but other people may have an easier time with it.
It's not only that I'm not centered. I'm not, but there it is again, another basic thing that I have problems with. I think the bulk of my training is we were made to be soloists - to perform steps that the principal dancers do. I am very impressive when it comes to variations. To the layman, a variation is a solo; we call it that because there's always a standard solo in ballets but it varies from ballet to ballet (at least, I think that's why it's called that). I can do all sorts of nifty variations, perfectly (as I've been restaging entire ballets for the last ten years, I know most of them by heart). But I suck during the adagio combinations in ballet class. There's something wrong there.
Mikah told me this story about this guy asking Pablo Casals what he was practicing. The master cellist replied that he was doing basic exercises over and over, which stunned the guy who asked him but made perfect sense to Mikah and myself. Well, I'm not sure how exactly it made perfect sense to Mikah (hehe, I may have stopped listening to him at this point) but to me, if you can do the basics well, everything else should follow.
I guess it's a given that I know many tricks ("Tricksy hobbitses!!!!" Yes, that's me.), but dancing isn't just about being able to do tricks and making audiences stand up and erupt into applause. That would be nice, but it's something I want to veer away from at the moment. I'm not a principal dancer so there's not really much space for me to be doing any tricks.
Right now, I want to work on the basics. I've been frustrated in ballet class too much last week for me to want to get my shit in gear. I will work on this slowly; I started with the adagio combination in class today. Anatoli doesn't usually let us repeat the combination to give time for other stuff, I decided to take things in my own hands (and legs) and repeated the combination with the second group, just so that I got a chance to. I then notice that when I repeat it, I become more comfortable with the alien-seeming steps and I figure out better ways to do them. A complex version of practice-makes-perfect.
I really want to stop being frustrated with myself; I've been too impatient too long that it's sucking the joy out of dancing. I'm glad I'm more aware that I should work on the more basic stuff (thank you Mikah and Pablo!) and I'm glad my body isn't deteriorating yet for me to worry that even the basic stuff won't help me now.
Also, it's been an ongoing thought of mine recently that the kind of dancing I want to do is more the kind that moves the audience to tears. It's the basics that will get me there. Anyway, all my flashy jumping is just, usually, for me.
It's not only that I'm not centered. I'm not, but there it is again, another basic thing that I have problems with. I think the bulk of my training is we were made to be soloists - to perform steps that the principal dancers do. I am very impressive when it comes to variations. To the layman, a variation is a solo; we call it that because there's always a standard solo in ballets but it varies from ballet to ballet (at least, I think that's why it's called that). I can do all sorts of nifty variations, perfectly (as I've been restaging entire ballets for the last ten years, I know most of them by heart). But I suck during the adagio combinations in ballet class. There's something wrong there.
Mikah told me this story about this guy asking Pablo Casals what he was practicing. The master cellist replied that he was doing basic exercises over and over, which stunned the guy who asked him but made perfect sense to Mikah and myself. Well, I'm not sure how exactly it made perfect sense to Mikah (hehe, I may have stopped listening to him at this point) but to me, if you can do the basics well, everything else should follow.
I guess it's a given that I know many tricks ("Tricksy hobbitses!!!!" Yes, that's me.), but dancing isn't just about being able to do tricks and making audiences stand up and erupt into applause. That would be nice, but it's something I want to veer away from at the moment. I'm not a principal dancer so there's not really much space for me to be doing any tricks.
Right now, I want to work on the basics. I've been frustrated in ballet class too much last week for me to want to get my shit in gear. I will work on this slowly; I started with the adagio combination in class today. Anatoli doesn't usually let us repeat the combination to give time for other stuff, I decided to take things in my own hands (and legs) and repeated the combination with the second group, just so that I got a chance to. I then notice that when I repeat it, I become more comfortable with the alien-seeming steps and I figure out better ways to do them. A complex version of practice-makes-perfect.
I really want to stop being frustrated with myself; I've been too impatient too long that it's sucking the joy out of dancing. I'm glad I'm more aware that I should work on the more basic stuff (thank you Mikah and Pablo!) and I'm glad my body isn't deteriorating yet for me to worry that even the basic stuff won't help me now.
Also, it's been an ongoing thought of mine recently that the kind of dancing I want to do is more the kind that moves the audience to tears. It's the basics that will get me there. Anyway, all my flashy jumping is just, usually, for me.
hey friends... watch me dance... please...
There's a scene in Tito Gener's Isang Bagong Bituin (which he has yet to finish choreographing) wherein Mama Joel and I get married. We're just a prop in the lead character's monologue/dream sequence - she has to choose between love and a ballet career, and we're standing in the corner as one of the things she wants to do and is torn about. In the piece before that, she dances with a gauzy cloth; the cloth is set aside for the next dance. Mama Joel and I walk in during the chorus ("Kailan maghihintay ang walang hanggan...") and walk off again. We wait at the side of the studio where the cloth is. Mama Joel picks it up and says we should use this as a veil. I told him, "You wear it." He was extremely pleased and I was extremely amused.
I'm just announcing in case there are any takers, Isang Bagong Bituin will premiere next week at the Cultural Center of the Philippines Main Theatre. Shows are slated at 8pm on November 18, 19 & 20 and at 3pm on November 20 and 21. Included in the programme are Classical Symphony, Tzigane and David Campos Cantero's Carmina Burana. You can get tickets at half price if you buy yours from the dancers (like me, for example).
(Actually, I think it was an incentive thing for us to sell tickets; they'll give it to us at half price, we sell them at full and then we get to keep our half. But, like I've said a million times, I'm not dancing for the money. And anyway, it might be easier to get my friends to watch if they knew they were getting bargain tickets. Right, friends?)
I'm just announcing in case there are any takers, Isang Bagong Bituin will premiere next week at the Cultural Center of the Philippines Main Theatre. Shows are slated at 8pm on November 18, 19 & 20 and at 3pm on November 20 and 21. Included in the programme are Classical Symphony, Tzigane and David Campos Cantero's Carmina Burana. You can get tickets at half price if you buy yours from the dancers (like me, for example).
(Actually, I think it was an incentive thing for us to sell tickets; they'll give it to us at half price, we sell them at full and then we get to keep our half. But, like I've said a million times, I'm not dancing for the money. And anyway, it might be easier to get my friends to watch if they knew they were getting bargain tickets. Right, friends?)
Monday, November 08, 2004
a molder of minds. eee, scary.
Kiara and Zeena, "conversing" as palace guests at Princess Aurora's birthday party in The Sleeping Beauty
In Act 2 of The Sleeping Beauty, a hundred years after Aurora falls asleep, the Prince walks through the forest and is surrounded by forest nymphs who show him a vision of the Princess. There's a soft Lilac Fairy's leitmotif when the nymphs swoosh on and off the stage. In this section, I give Kiara a little solo. She's one of my Primary kids, one of the smartest ones (actually, I could challenge that; I'm pretty sure she's the smartest, given that she's only five years old and she's smarter than some of the kids a couple years older than her). All she does is run in, wave her arms a little while doing a little courus in place, and then run back out.
The reason why I believe Kiara is uber-smart is because she knows the dance after learning them and doing them once, she knows it perfectly with the music, the exact steps to the exact counts. Beyond that, if she could run the rehearsal and take my job, she'd be the happiest five year old ever. My favorite moments are when Daddy is rehearsing and he asks one of the lost kids, "What are you supposed to do there?" (to establish that they should independently memorize their steps) and Kiara pipes up, "She's supposed to do this!" and demonstrates. She cracks me up.
And how many five year olds do you know dance and perfectly hum the music along?
So I give her her little solo. She is sooooo adorable. As she runs offstage, Daddy says after her, "Ang galing naman ni Kiara. Parang si Teacher Sol." She kinda looks disappointed and we older people laugh (Sol is especially amused). So Daddy says, "Sige. Parang si Teacher Jacqui." Kiara looks at Jacqui, Jacqui waves back at her, Kiara looks at my Dad with still the disappointed look on her face. So Daddy says, "Sige na nga, parang si Teacher Joelle." And she smiles and nods.
Daddy hollers, "Sipsip!"
It kinda makes me think about how impressionable my students are and how many students I have impressed so much over the years. We did The Sleeping Beauty over ten years ago and they were all a different set of kids except for our oldest student Mimi, who just celebrated her debut last week. A friend of mine tells me, "Hey I met this girl who reminds me of you," and she turns out to be a student of mine, more than ten years ago.
The part about her reminding my friend of me has been making me think. From the testimonials my former students have written about me on Friendster, I would say I played a big part in their formative years. It makes me rethink about my entire teaching persona and regret all those times that I've ever lost my temper. These are kids and they looked/still look up to me. Even if it seems strange, I must have made a really big impression on their lives. And I continue to do so, apparently.
No more losing my temper in class, I swear. Next time it rises up, I shall flash an image of Kiara in my brain and calm down.
Friday, November 05, 2004
things to do
I made sure this time and checked that reg in UP has started, will go on till today, after which late reg is officially on until the sixteenth. They keep telling me, "Check the website, check the website..." as if it's common knowledge what the URL is, and when I called to ask if reg had started and what the URL was, my secretary friend from my department didn't know either because she said, "the UP website." I had to google it and came up with www.upd.edu.ph. You can check the class you wish to take on CRS, which stands for Computerized Registration System (this is the URL: http://crs.upd.edu.ph/). This is my class:
13927 Art Stud 299 MIJK
3.0 M 1:00p-4:00p lec CAL 202
It's the Research class. By its course number, you can tell that it's what comes right before the thesis, which is coded Art Stud 300. This sem, I want to take Research and Thesis at the same time. We'll see if whoever advises me this reg will agree.
I bought Lucas' laptop. Well, since he's my brother, he's giving me a really good installment plan. He says he only needs it for presentations to clients and will only borrow it from me in that event. But, he insists, I need it more as I have that new regular racket for Rhea and my thesis to write. I want to also be able to connect to the internet on it so that I can surf and chat during my ballet breaks but Lucas told me that WIFI is a hundred bucks an hour. Man, that's steep.
Anyway, I have a new very gorgeous laptop, I have extra work, I have schoolwork this semester. Additionally, I have ballet and my love to keep me warm. Even if shallow dorks live in my midst, I should be okay.
Oh, and my brother wants to drop by and say Hi!
All you jabronis out there, can you smeeeeell what Quincy is cooking?
13927 Art Stud 299 MIJK
3.0 M 1:00p-4:00p lec CAL 202
It's the Research class. By its course number, you can tell that it's what comes right before the thesis, which is coded Art Stud 300. This sem, I want to take Research and Thesis at the same time. We'll see if whoever advises me this reg will agree.
I bought Lucas' laptop. Well, since he's my brother, he's giving me a really good installment plan. He says he only needs it for presentations to clients and will only borrow it from me in that event. But, he insists, I need it more as I have that new regular racket for Rhea and my thesis to write. I want to also be able to connect to the internet on it so that I can surf and chat during my ballet breaks but Lucas told me that WIFI is a hundred bucks an hour. Man, that's steep.
Anyway, I have a new very gorgeous laptop, I have extra work, I have schoolwork this semester. Additionally, I have ballet and my love to keep me warm. Even if shallow dorks live in my midst, I should be okay.
Oh, and my brother wants to drop by and say Hi!
All you jabronis out there, can you smeeeeell what Quincy is cooking?
Thursday, November 04, 2004
selfish, graceless, centerless happy me
I need to fix my center. The center is from where everything moves. I need it to transfer weight from one position to the next, to change positions more fluidly. I am so bad at that. My biggest thing is I need more control - I need everything to move in one seamless motion and still have high legs, perfect execution, grace. I need grace, dammit.
Hats off to Daddy. Because of all the rigid training I had to undergo learning his choreographies, being choreographed by any other choreographer is a piece of cake. Tito G is working on his new piece "Isang Bagong Bituin" and in the couples' group dance, he would set the choreography on me for the other people to learn. I wonder how other dancers survive, without the same kind of training. It's probably easier and more difficult at the same time. More difficult because they learn things the hard way. Easier because they don't have to deal with my father. I should consider myself lucky.
The NAMCYA has included ballet as a competition category this year. From PBT, three dancers have joined and made it through the first elimination. Second elimination is middle of this month, after our show. One of the three is kind of asking me to mentor her. In the current company ballet heirarchy, she is getting better roles than I am. I'm thinking it's too weird that she looks up to me as an authority figure when I can't even get my own dancing into gear.
Okay, okay. I know it's not that weird, because I did leave ballet for a significant time but I was still a ballet teacher all throughout the time I was gone. Many teachers never really made it to the principal level; they retired early from dancing and opted to teach instead, and many teachers are actually better teachers than dancers. Many principal dancers don't really make good teachers. I had a long argument with Marga about this idea; she couldn't understand how you couldn't teach something you can do well or how you can't do something you teach well. In ballet, it's different. You can have an eye for what's correct technique, yet you can't execute it yourself because of the limits of your body.
I know I can probably train this girl for her competition. But I don't want to. I want to focus on myself. I know, that sounds really selfish, but I have a few years left and this girl is only half my age. There are things that I am just now figuring out about dancing and I don't want to impose them on impressionable girls who were doing fine without me. And I can see it happening: I'd be very concerned about her, perhaps more than I would be with myself and I don't want the shift in priorities right now.
When I was her age, I wasn't mentored. It came a year later, when I entered UP. My mentor had long ago turned her back on dancing and ran her own school while teaching in UP. Similarly, I didn't need all that much mentoring, just a lot of reminders about my center and my attack/approach to the dance, a lot of direction for the kind of dancing I wanted to do, for the kind of dancing that I was capable of and didn't know it. I am grateful for that, never mind the training I endured from my father, without this pushing from my college technique teacher, I doubt I'd be the dancer I am now. I don't think I'm ready to be responsible for someone that way, not yet.
I need to work on myself first. I want to be selfish, while I still can.
Hats off to Daddy. Because of all the rigid training I had to undergo learning his choreographies, being choreographed by any other choreographer is a piece of cake. Tito G is working on his new piece "Isang Bagong Bituin" and in the couples' group dance, he would set the choreography on me for the other people to learn. I wonder how other dancers survive, without the same kind of training. It's probably easier and more difficult at the same time. More difficult because they learn things the hard way. Easier because they don't have to deal with my father. I should consider myself lucky.
The NAMCYA has included ballet as a competition category this year. From PBT, three dancers have joined and made it through the first elimination. Second elimination is middle of this month, after our show. One of the three is kind of asking me to mentor her. In the current company ballet heirarchy, she is getting better roles than I am. I'm thinking it's too weird that she looks up to me as an authority figure when I can't even get my own dancing into gear.
Okay, okay. I know it's not that weird, because I did leave ballet for a significant time but I was still a ballet teacher all throughout the time I was gone. Many teachers never really made it to the principal level; they retired early from dancing and opted to teach instead, and many teachers are actually better teachers than dancers. Many principal dancers don't really make good teachers. I had a long argument with Marga about this idea; she couldn't understand how you couldn't teach something you can do well or how you can't do something you teach well. In ballet, it's different. You can have an eye for what's correct technique, yet you can't execute it yourself because of the limits of your body.
I know I can probably train this girl for her competition. But I don't want to. I want to focus on myself. I know, that sounds really selfish, but I have a few years left and this girl is only half my age. There are things that I am just now figuring out about dancing and I don't want to impose them on impressionable girls who were doing fine without me. And I can see it happening: I'd be very concerned about her, perhaps more than I would be with myself and I don't want the shift in priorities right now.
When I was her age, I wasn't mentored. It came a year later, when I entered UP. My mentor had long ago turned her back on dancing and ran her own school while teaching in UP. Similarly, I didn't need all that much mentoring, just a lot of reminders about my center and my attack/approach to the dance, a lot of direction for the kind of dancing I wanted to do, for the kind of dancing that I was capable of and didn't know it. I am grateful for that, never mind the training I endured from my father, without this pushing from my college technique teacher, I doubt I'd be the dancer I am now. I don't think I'm ready to be responsible for someone that way, not yet.
I need to work on myself first. I want to be selfish, while I still can.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
you don't know what's comin' at ya...
IF YOU WERE A GUY...
1. anong name mo?
Angel. My girlfriend will call me Devil when she wants to get some.
2. style ng hair?
I want Ethan Zonn curls! But if I were a boy and I still had straight hair like mine is, I'd keep it short and out of my face. I probably would have bangs.
3. Local & foreign male celebrity lookalike mo?
I don't want to look like anyone. One of my mom's friends was once looking at one of our souvenir programmes and asked, "Which are your children?" She pointed at us. Friend said, "He's really handsome..." pointing to me. Meaning if I were a boy, I'd be more handsome than either Quincy or Lucas. Panalo. So, I'll look like myself still.
4. height mo?
Not too tall. I'm one of those cute medium sized boys that girls can't resist.
5. talent mo?
Matinik ako sa chicks!!!! I'd probably still write. I'd probably make more pirouettes, hopefully seven.
6. sinong gf mo?
Joelle Jacinto. And I would love her so much.
7. skin complexion mo?
Creamy, with the tendency to get all peachy-reddish due to heat, embarrassment or overexertion. Joelle kinda digs that color in guys, now that she thinks about it.
8. gwapo, cute, fair?
I'd be more gwapo than cute. Like now.
9. career mo?
Timpani player. Assuming that if I were a guy, I have more coordination than I do as a girl. I don't like how this implies that there are some careers that men do that women can't. I know there are, like what woman would want to tweak breasts for a living? I guess if I had enough coordination, I'd also be a timpani player if I were a girl. But lacking the right coordination, I would say I would still be a writer. Also, ballet dancer and I'd feel so inferior to Lucas and Quincy. But I will find solace in the fact na mas gwapo ako sa kanila and I have such a dishy and extremely brilliant girlfriend who never gives me a hard time.
10. age ka magpapakasal?
Joelle doesn't want to get married so I'll humor her and let her string me around for the rest of her life.
11. built ng body mo?
I have wide shoulders. And a nice Angel Corella round ass.
12. formal, informal?
Not too much of either. Just right.
13. hair color?
black
14. style ng bag mo?
Backpacky or mailbag. Doesn't really matter, so long as it's blue.
15. usual get-up mo?
t-shirt and jeans, collared shirts and jeans (but bought in People Are People or G2000 because their men's collared shirts are REALLY nice), I'm pretty sure I'll have really nice colored shirts. And really nice sneakers.
16. sports aside from basketball?
I can't play basketball. I'll be a swimmer or a middle-distance runner. Yeah, I have endurance, baby.
17. nick mo?
Loverboy.
18. almost perfect sa physical mo?
Care to find out? *wink*
19. first step sa first day ng pagiging guy mo?
I'd stare at myself in the mirror for a while. Take pictures of my face and beautiful chest. Take my shirt off and walk around in front of people. I'm not saying I want to do that as a girl, but I was thinking being able to do that because I was a guy would probably be neat.
20. last step sa last day ng pagiging guy mo?
I'll be harassing Kitch to sleep with me till the end, which she'll pretend to go for because that's her nature, but I bet the weirdness of it - additionally, that I will turn back into a girl, her very homophobic friend, the next day - will creep her out. I'm not sure if I will sleep with Kitch if she does agree to sleep with me. I'm not really sure how I would feel about my homophobia if I were a guy and my homophobia would be nil because Kitch would be of the opposite sex. And then there are the moral issues - how will I still be friends with Pye if I do? Factor in the knowledge that Joelle, whom my heart belongs to, will never speak to me again because I slept with one of her best friends. Ah, so many considerations.
Yes, I'll be spending my last moment as a boy shaking my head.
1. anong name mo?
Angel. My girlfriend will call me Devil when she wants to get some.
2. style ng hair?
I want Ethan Zonn curls! But if I were a boy and I still had straight hair like mine is, I'd keep it short and out of my face. I probably would have bangs.
3. Local & foreign male celebrity lookalike mo?
I don't want to look like anyone. One of my mom's friends was once looking at one of our souvenir programmes and asked, "Which are your children?" She pointed at us. Friend said, "He's really handsome..." pointing to me. Meaning if I were a boy, I'd be more handsome than either Quincy or Lucas. Panalo. So, I'll look like myself still.
4. height mo?
Not too tall. I'm one of those cute medium sized boys that girls can't resist.
5. talent mo?
Matinik ako sa chicks!!!! I'd probably still write. I'd probably make more pirouettes, hopefully seven.
6. sinong gf mo?
Joelle Jacinto. And I would love her so much.
7. skin complexion mo?
Creamy, with the tendency to get all peachy-reddish due to heat, embarrassment or overexertion. Joelle kinda digs that color in guys, now that she thinks about it.
8. gwapo, cute, fair?
I'd be more gwapo than cute. Like now.
9. career mo?
Timpani player. Assuming that if I were a guy, I have more coordination than I do as a girl. I don't like how this implies that there are some careers that men do that women can't. I know there are, like what woman would want to tweak breasts for a living? I guess if I had enough coordination, I'd also be a timpani player if I were a girl. But lacking the right coordination, I would say I would still be a writer. Also, ballet dancer and I'd feel so inferior to Lucas and Quincy. But I will find solace in the fact na mas gwapo ako sa kanila and I have such a dishy and extremely brilliant girlfriend who never gives me a hard time.
10. age ka magpapakasal?
Joelle doesn't want to get married so I'll humor her and let her string me around for the rest of her life.
11. built ng body mo?
I have wide shoulders. And a nice Angel Corella round ass.
12. formal, informal?
Not too much of either. Just right.
13. hair color?
black
14. style ng bag mo?
Backpacky or mailbag. Doesn't really matter, so long as it's blue.
15. usual get-up mo?
t-shirt and jeans, collared shirts and jeans (but bought in People Are People or G2000 because their men's collared shirts are REALLY nice), I'm pretty sure I'll have really nice colored shirts. And really nice sneakers.
16. sports aside from basketball?
I can't play basketball. I'll be a swimmer or a middle-distance runner. Yeah, I have endurance, baby.
17. nick mo?
Loverboy.
18. almost perfect sa physical mo?
Care to find out? *wink*
19. first step sa first day ng pagiging guy mo?
I'd stare at myself in the mirror for a while. Take pictures of my face and beautiful chest. Take my shirt off and walk around in front of people. I'm not saying I want to do that as a girl, but I was thinking being able to do that because I was a guy would probably be neat.
20. last step sa last day ng pagiging guy mo?
I'll be harassing Kitch to sleep with me till the end, which she'll pretend to go for because that's her nature, but I bet the weirdness of it - additionally, that I will turn back into a girl, her very homophobic friend, the next day - will creep her out. I'm not sure if I will sleep with Kitch if she does agree to sleep with me. I'm not really sure how I would feel about my homophobia if I were a guy and my homophobia would be nil because Kitch would be of the opposite sex. And then there are the moral issues - how will I still be friends with Pye if I do? Factor in the knowledge that Joelle, whom my heart belongs to, will never speak to me again because I slept with one of her best friends. Ah, so many considerations.
Yes, I'll be spending my last moment as a boy shaking my head.
Monday, November 01, 2004
raining aaaall the tiiiime...
On our way home from our ballet school the other week, Daddy played a CD of really sad jazz tunes sung by some of the best torch singers around - Billie Holiday, Dinah Washington, Nina Simone, Ella Fitzgerald. I then started to notice that if I were heartbroken (which, by all accounts, I should be, but it's strangely not the case), I would be hating this CD. It was all sad songs, starting with "Cry Me A River" and peppered with "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes," "La Vie En Rose," and that song that goes "Though I can't dismiss the memory of his kiss..." and the "Stormy weather... since my man and I are not together..." song. Even the version here of "Come Rain or Come Shine" is totally depressing. And then, strangely again, there was Etta James singing "At Last" right smack in the middle of it. A sliver of bright light in the midst of gloom.
I was sitting in the backseat and just listening, being grateful that I wasn't heartbroken and thinking how strange it would be to mix such a CD; the theme would be too sad to listen to. I mean, I would make a happy CD for when I feel happy, I would make myself a feel-good healing CD for when I feel sad (yeah, Razorback!!!). But I wouldn't make myself a CD of all the saddest songs in the world, what am I, suicidal?
Stranger then when I realized that Daddy got this CD from Twinkle, my brother's new ex-girlfriend. They had just broken up a couple of months ago; there was much ado about how this relationship ended and I don't plan to get into it here. Suffice to say that during the break up, he managed to give us a lot of stress and now he's happy with someone new. Should it have been that easy? we wonder.
Anyway, I wondered if Daddy was aware he was playing sad songs from the CD Twinkle gave him, and if he's doing this on purpose: playing sad songs for Twinkle. He didn't even like Twinkle that much, but I wouldn't put it past him to do anything to irk his own children - perhaps, someone should mourn Twinkle a bit.
The other day, again on our way home from ballet, he played a different CD, another one that Twinkle burned for him. It kept skipping, as some burnt CDs do. After a while, Daddy ejected it from the player and said, "Ever since Quincy broke up with Twinkle, her CDs don't work anymore."
My dad has a rule about not wanting to meet our chicks unless we're absolutely sure this is the one. He hates the idea of getting used to somebody only to have this person ejected out of his life because they were ejected out of ours. Or at least, that's his explanation to the boys. He had met Twinkle and had gotten used to her, now he wonders why he was so polite when he went to visit. And he had met Erica and is always making jibes about her and Lucas getting back together.
As far as I know, my dad has never wanted to meet my (ex-)boyfriends. There was never any idea of the possibility that he may get used to them one day. I'm not even his baby. I can't wait till Jacqui falls in love.
I was sitting in the backseat and just listening, being grateful that I wasn't heartbroken and thinking how strange it would be to mix such a CD; the theme would be too sad to listen to. I mean, I would make a happy CD for when I feel happy, I would make myself a feel-good healing CD for when I feel sad (yeah, Razorback!!!). But I wouldn't make myself a CD of all the saddest songs in the world, what am I, suicidal?
Stranger then when I realized that Daddy got this CD from Twinkle, my brother's new ex-girlfriend. They had just broken up a couple of months ago; there was much ado about how this relationship ended and I don't plan to get into it here. Suffice to say that during the break up, he managed to give us a lot of stress and now he's happy with someone new. Should it have been that easy? we wonder.
Anyway, I wondered if Daddy was aware he was playing sad songs from the CD Twinkle gave him, and if he's doing this on purpose: playing sad songs for Twinkle. He didn't even like Twinkle that much, but I wouldn't put it past him to do anything to irk his own children - perhaps, someone should mourn Twinkle a bit.
The other day, again on our way home from ballet, he played a different CD, another one that Twinkle burned for him. It kept skipping, as some burnt CDs do. After a while, Daddy ejected it from the player and said, "Ever since Quincy broke up with Twinkle, her CDs don't work anymore."
My dad has a rule about not wanting to meet our chicks unless we're absolutely sure this is the one. He hates the idea of getting used to somebody only to have this person ejected out of his life because they were ejected out of ours. Or at least, that's his explanation to the boys. He had met Twinkle and had gotten used to her, now he wonders why he was so polite when he went to visit. And he had met Erica and is always making jibes about her and Lucas getting back together.
As far as I know, my dad has never wanted to meet my (ex-)boyfriends. There was never any idea of the possibility that he may get used to them one day. I'm not even his baby. I can't wait till Jacqui falls in love.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
100 things
Here's the deal. I found this list in my files; I had posted it in my old blog last new year. I was reading it again and saw how much my life has changed since. Thought you might be interested.
Legend: Those in red don't apply anymore. Those in blue stay the same. If it's in bold font, it's a big change or non-change.
100 Things
1. I want to be less than 100 pounds
I hit 98 a couple of months ago.
2. I want to be prima ballerina the level of Alessandra Ferri and I will, mark my words
I probably won't but I'm improving. Hope you didn't mark my words.
3. Right now I am wearing glasses that are slipping off my nose.
I'm in my contacts, but my glasses usually slip off my nose still.
4. I normally wear contact lenses because I am legally blind
5. and my mom thinks I am ugly wearing glasses but
6. Caloy fell in love with me while I was in glasses so I can't look all that bad
Well, he did fall in love with me that way, so that stays.
7. I have 97 friends on Friendster
I now have close to 200, I think
8. I am somewhere between 5'1 and 5'2 but never bothered to figure out how tall exactly
9. I wear mile high heels and wedges
Not anymore, my legs get too tired from ballet class to try to walk in heels.
10. until Blue said to me "Bakit ang tangkad mo?"
11. I own so many bags that my sister has banned me from buying anymore
12. I believe that a girl can never have enough bags
13. I also believe in world peace
14. I am watching the CSI Miami marathon because I love Rory Cochrane who plays Lucas in one of my favorite movies Empire Records
15. I don't have too nice feet for somebody who wants to be on the same level of Alessandra Ferri, who has fabulous feet
My feet have gotten really nice.
16. I am 29 years old
I am 30 years old.
17. I love changing my friendster profile, and it's my favorite thing to do on friendster. Friends? What are those?
I hardly check Friendster now.
18. Just kidding about the friends. I have the fiercest, most loyal, most amazing friends in the universe.
19. If ever I get married, I shall have 9 bridesmaids.
20. But I doubt I'll get married.
21. I love coffee. I drink it while eating meals, like it was water.
22. I am Bubbles, the easy Power Puff Girl
23. I have beautiful legs
24. and beautiful shoulders
25. I fall for chiseled faces
26. and that eyelock-then look away thing
I've found other things to fall for.
27. I am so easy.
28. I am a monster when I get angry.
29. I will try not to get angry anymore.
Well, I'm still trying.
30. That's why I want to quit my day job.
Mission accomplished, April 2004.
31. I love fast rock and roll
32. and moving full orchestra ballet music
But I love jazz too. I'm rediscovering.
33. I love taking long hot baths wherever I can find bathtubs
34. I love looking at buildings and furniture
35. I love looking at Blue dance
I actually do, still, but I hardly see him dance anymore. And it's not as intense as it used to be.
36. I love buying books, and should read them before I buy any more
I haven't bought a book since I made that list. Yay.
37. I am more like Psylocke than people think I am
I like to think so. Humor me.
38. But I would never break up with Angel because he rocks
39. I think I have found my soul mate and I am patiently waiting for him to figure out what HE wants
How could I have thought that? The world wonders.
40. I do not like to think I'm waiting for nothing.
I've owned up to it. It's cool.
41. Hence, Blue.
42. I have one of the loudest laughs in the universe
43. I am not ashamed if people can pick out my laugh in movie houses
44. I am not ashamed to say that I like Meteor Garden
45. But I'm finding that the second season can be tiresome to go through again in its entirety
46. I am becoming impatient with this list and I'm not even halfway through
47. I used to not be able to live without my phone
I can't live without it. It's holding some gears and springs together.
48. I can make fabulous print ads in an hour, 30 minutes if I'm motivated enough
I'm not sure anymore; I used to, but I think I'm out of practice. May take two hours now.
49. I write well and I know it
50. I dance mediocrely and I know it
51. I'm actually waiting for somebody to say "No, you dance so wonderfully!!!!"
Haha, this made me smile.
52. I love Roswell so much, I like to think that they're my friends
53. When I was a kid I told my mom to call me Angelica
54. I am now apalled at my taste, blech!
55. I love my name. Joelle. Yum.
56. I hate spicy food
57. I hate wearing earrings and I lost a million earrings from when I was an infant.
58. But I wear them if somebody special gave them to me.
59. I wear only 3 pairs of earrings: one from Aphrodite, another from Jacqui, another from Mamia
I lost the pair Mamia gave me, sob!
60. I used to have breasts
61. I now wonder where they went.
I still have breasts. They're smaller, but they're there. They're well appreciated.
62. I still have a perky butt.
63. This list is taking me forever.
64. I love traveling. I think I have wanderlust.
65. But no place beats my bed.
66. I have the funniest, smartest supergodchild in the world.
67. I love to chide my best friend about spoiling my supergodchild to get on her nerves, hehehehe.
I don't get to anymore. Aw.
68. I have insomnia over the weirdest things
These days, I'm only insomniaic if I'm writing. I've lost a lot of angst, thank God.
69. I love to eat, but it always depends on what I'm in the mood for
70. I don't normally like sweets unless it's chocolate bars, vanilla ice cream, cheesecake, mousse or silvanas
71. I always cry when I watch Love Affair. Always.
72. Love Affair and Sleepless in Seattle are the movies that fixed my relationship with my Dad
73. I love Hugh Grant, and believe he has the most appalling taste in women because he hasn't met me yet.
74. I am in the process of writing my first novel. But it's all written out in my head already.
75. I need more time.
The time is now.
76. I need new shoes.
77. Actually, I don't need new shoes, I just like buying new shoes.
I did need shoes but I've bought new pairs just today and I'm happy.
78. I would take vanilla over chocolate any day.
79. I love white chocolate.
80. I could live on salami.
81. I love strawberries and cream and it's a wonder how I will ever get to below 100 pounds at the rate I'm going.
82. I like to take artsy photographs, meaning not the kind where everybody bunches together and says "Cheese!"
83. I love cheese.
84. I have to stop thinking about food.
Well, I do have to lose weight still.
85. When I was a kid, I used to pretend I was an elf and nobody could see me because I moved so fast.
86. I was so afraid of vampires that to this day, when I am scared, I cover my neck.
87. I used to like bacon until I cooked them myself and got sick of it.
I like bacon again.
88. I love the beach.
89. I love kissing.
90. I miss kissing.
I wish I could be kissing right now.
91. I love blogging.
92. I put three teaspoons of sugar in my coffee.
93. I used to only drink cappuccinos but lately I've been broadening myself
I drink the coffee of the day now. It made more sense.
94. I hate "going out"
Well, I don't hate it.
95. Unless it's a quiet catch-up thing with close friends
96. I love looking at stars, fireworks and Xmas lights
97. I believe I would be a great mother and an awesome wife
98. But I don't want it to happen anytime soon.
99. I believe I have time.
100. I am so glad this is done because I have the hardest time keeping still.
Legend: Those in red don't apply anymore. Those in blue stay the same. If it's in bold font, it's a big change or non-change.
100 Things
1. I want to be less than 100 pounds
I hit 98 a couple of months ago.
2. I want to be prima ballerina the level of Alessandra Ferri and I will, mark my words
I probably won't but I'm improving. Hope you didn't mark my words.
3. Right now I am wearing glasses that are slipping off my nose.
I'm in my contacts, but my glasses usually slip off my nose still.
4. I normally wear contact lenses because I am legally blind
5. and my mom thinks I am ugly wearing glasses but
6. Caloy fell in love with me while I was in glasses so I can't look all that bad
Well, he did fall in love with me that way, so that stays.
7. I have 97 friends on Friendster
I now have close to 200, I think
8. I am somewhere between 5'1 and 5'2 but never bothered to figure out how tall exactly
9. I wear mile high heels and wedges
Not anymore, my legs get too tired from ballet class to try to walk in heels.
10. until Blue said to me "Bakit ang tangkad mo?"
11. I own so many bags that my sister has banned me from buying anymore
12. I believe that a girl can never have enough bags
13. I also believe in world peace
14. I am watching the CSI Miami marathon because I love Rory Cochrane who plays Lucas in one of my favorite movies Empire Records
15. I don't have too nice feet for somebody who wants to be on the same level of Alessandra Ferri, who has fabulous feet
My feet have gotten really nice.
16. I am 29 years old
I am 30 years old.
17. I love changing my friendster profile, and it's my favorite thing to do on friendster. Friends? What are those?
I hardly check Friendster now.
18. Just kidding about the friends. I have the fiercest, most loyal, most amazing friends in the universe.
19. If ever I get married, I shall have 9 bridesmaids.
20. But I doubt I'll get married.
21. I love coffee. I drink it while eating meals, like it was water.
22. I am Bubbles, the easy Power Puff Girl
23. I have beautiful legs
24. and beautiful shoulders
25. I fall for chiseled faces
26. and that eyelock-then look away thing
I've found other things to fall for.
27. I am so easy.
28. I am a monster when I get angry.
29. I will try not to get angry anymore.
Well, I'm still trying.
30. That's why I want to quit my day job.
Mission accomplished, April 2004.
31. I love fast rock and roll
32. and moving full orchestra ballet music
But I love jazz too. I'm rediscovering.
33. I love taking long hot baths wherever I can find bathtubs
34. I love looking at buildings and furniture
35. I love looking at Blue dance
I actually do, still, but I hardly see him dance anymore. And it's not as intense as it used to be.
36. I love buying books, and should read them before I buy any more
I haven't bought a book since I made that list. Yay.
37. I am more like Psylocke than people think I am
I like to think so. Humor me.
38. But I would never break up with Angel because he rocks
39. I think I have found my soul mate and I am patiently waiting for him to figure out what HE wants
How could I have thought that? The world wonders.
40. I do not like to think I'm waiting for nothing.
I've owned up to it. It's cool.
41. Hence, Blue.
42. I have one of the loudest laughs in the universe
43. I am not ashamed if people can pick out my laugh in movie houses
44. I am not ashamed to say that I like Meteor Garden
45. But I'm finding that the second season can be tiresome to go through again in its entirety
46. I am becoming impatient with this list and I'm not even halfway through
47. I used to not be able to live without my phone
I can't live without it. It's holding some gears and springs together.
48. I can make fabulous print ads in an hour, 30 minutes if I'm motivated enough
I'm not sure anymore; I used to, but I think I'm out of practice. May take two hours now.
49. I write well and I know it
50. I dance mediocrely and I know it
51. I'm actually waiting for somebody to say "No, you dance so wonderfully!!!!"
Haha, this made me smile.
52. I love Roswell so much, I like to think that they're my friends
53. When I was a kid I told my mom to call me Angelica
54. I am now apalled at my taste, blech!
55. I love my name. Joelle. Yum.
56. I hate spicy food
57. I hate wearing earrings and I lost a million earrings from when I was an infant.
58. But I wear them if somebody special gave them to me.
59. I wear only 3 pairs of earrings: one from Aphrodite, another from Jacqui, another from Mamia
I lost the pair Mamia gave me, sob!
60. I used to have breasts
61. I now wonder where they went.
I still have breasts. They're smaller, but they're there. They're well appreciated.
62. I still have a perky butt.
63. This list is taking me forever.
64. I love traveling. I think I have wanderlust.
65. But no place beats my bed.
66. I have the funniest, smartest supergodchild in the world.
67. I love to chide my best friend about spoiling my supergodchild to get on her nerves, hehehehe.
I don't get to anymore. Aw.
68. I have insomnia over the weirdest things
These days, I'm only insomniaic if I'm writing. I've lost a lot of angst, thank God.
69. I love to eat, but it always depends on what I'm in the mood for
70. I don't normally like sweets unless it's chocolate bars, vanilla ice cream, cheesecake, mousse or silvanas
71. I always cry when I watch Love Affair. Always.
72. Love Affair and Sleepless in Seattle are the movies that fixed my relationship with my Dad
73. I love Hugh Grant, and believe he has the most appalling taste in women because he hasn't met me yet.
74. I am in the process of writing my first novel. But it's all written out in my head already.
75. I need more time.
The time is now.
76. I need new shoes.
77. Actually, I don't need new shoes, I just like buying new shoes.
I did need shoes but I've bought new pairs just today and I'm happy.
78. I would take vanilla over chocolate any day.
79. I love white chocolate.
80. I could live on salami.
81. I love strawberries and cream and it's a wonder how I will ever get to below 100 pounds at the rate I'm going.
82. I like to take artsy photographs, meaning not the kind where everybody bunches together and says "Cheese!"
83. I love cheese.
84. I have to stop thinking about food.
Well, I do have to lose weight still.
85. When I was a kid, I used to pretend I was an elf and nobody could see me because I moved so fast.
86. I was so afraid of vampires that to this day, when I am scared, I cover my neck.
87. I used to like bacon until I cooked them myself and got sick of it.
I like bacon again.
88. I love the beach.
89. I love kissing.
90. I miss kissing.
I wish I could be kissing right now.
91. I love blogging.
92. I put three teaspoons of sugar in my coffee.
93. I used to only drink cappuccinos but lately I've been broadening myself
I drink the coffee of the day now. It made more sense.
94. I hate "going out"
Well, I don't hate it.
95. Unless it's a quiet catch-up thing with close friends
96. I love looking at stars, fireworks and Xmas lights
97. I believe I would be a great mother and an awesome wife
98. But I don't want it to happen anytime soon.
99. I believe I have time.
100. I am so glad this is done because I have the hardest time keeping still.
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